So worried about DD, what can I do to help her? And AIBU to think school is wrong?

[OldhamAndCheese]

She's 16 and in Year 11. She has never been in the "popular" group at school, but she's always coped perfectly fine. She was very alone at the start of Year 7 as we had moved house just at the beginning away from all her of her friends, but by the time she was halfway through Year 7 her and a few of the other "oddballs" (hate calling them that but the group used to describe themselves as such things with pride!) had formed a group. There were about 7 of them and they were really solid. Beginning of Year 10 she even got a BF who was part of their group. Things were great for a few months, she was always out with friends and had a great social life etc. But halfway through Year 10 a friend in the group decided she liked DD's boyfriend and made the rest of the year hell for DD. This girl was a lot more gobby than DD and did all sorts to try and split them up, telling BF she'd seen DD with another boy and the like. Thankfully her BF was an absolutely lovely lad and told this girl where to go. This however resulted in the couple being ostracised from the rest of the group as the other girl managed to get them all on side.

It was a shame but DD didn't seem too phased. Her and her BF stuck together. I tried to encourage her to make other friends so that she wasn't relying on BF too much, saying that she needed other people to spend time with if BF finished with her. She kicked off at me for suggesting that, being 15 she was of the opinion that her and her BF were unbreakable. At the end of Year 10 the BF's mum decided to move in with her long term partner who lived on the other side of our city (very big city, so it was still 35 miles away). DD was understandably devastated, as was her BF at the time. They agreed still to be in a relationship and spend weekends with each other. Planning more days in the week once Year 11 was out of the way. So off he went. DD didn't see anybody except him over the Summer hols. Started Year 11 absolutley miserable with no friends and was starting to get very depressed.

Then in January she confided in me that BF had been getting distant. She told me she'd say she had missed him and he'd only respond "Aw :(". Also he had somehow managed to get into the popular group at his new school and suddenly had a very active social life and less time for her. There were plenty of girls he was hanging around with. 1 week after we spoke about it he text her saying "I don't think this relationship is sustainable anymore. The distance is too awkward." DD begged him to stay with her but he unfollowed her on everything. The next day she saw he'd changed his relationship status to say he was now with a girl he'd be hanging around with. DD was in absolute bits, and ended up taking an overdose.

She spent 2 weeks in hospital and then a further 6 weeks out of school on mental health grounds as she had been threatening to hang herself among other things. Her ex BF is aware of this and has made no effort to get in contact. She has only very recently gone back and has been the talk of the school. Rumours going around that she is pregnant, a drug addict etc. Jealous ex friend has been having a field day with it all and has been giving DD hell day to day. Today has been the last straw. She's come home bloody distraught because she had spent lunchtime in the toilet to avoid people and some girl made up a rumour that she was in there for the hour performing an abortion on herself ffs. We were asked to go into the school at 6pm later on today for a meeting expecting it to be about this. Nope, they brought us in to tell us they would not be letting DD sit her GCSE'S as she has missed too much and they think she should be focusing on her mental health.

DD been in bits all evening. She keeps seeing pictures of her BF and his new GF on social media (told her to stop stalking him but she does it anyway), she's being harassed and threatened by peers, she just in the past couple of days found out her absolute arse of a father who doesn't bother with her has had a new baby with someone she knows nothing about (not getting in to that, a whole other thread!), and now she's been told she can't do her GCSE'S which means she won't be able to get onto the college course she's been so looking forward to. The thought of going to college and meeting new people had been saving her. I tried to tell school that I believe taking her GCSE's will benefit her and DD tried to tell them as well, but they wouldn't have it.

I am dreading the rest of Year 11. I don't know if I should send her back to school or not. What's the point? If the bastards aren't going to let her take her exams then why should she go? If she had friends who she wanted to go in and see then it would be different but she doesn't. And now I'm also left not knowing what to do with her once Year 11 finishes. She really does need to go to college. She wants to go. Is it possible for her to start in September as would everybody else her age despite having no GCSE's? Or does she have to get them first? I don't want her to have to start college a year late and I certainly can't afford for her to be doing GCSE'S privately!

And exams aside, it's also meant to be a really exciting time over the next few months for people her age. She should be excited about getting GCSE results with friends...the end of Year 11 prom...the endless fun and exciting plans that Year 11 like to make for the holidays once they've finished school...looking forward to college...considering part time jobs...all the other Year 11's I know are going to music festivals with friends in the Summer to celebrate GCSE's ending...all of this has been ripped away from DD and we are left facing months of isolation, loneliness, worry about her future, uncertainty, and she has to watch everybody else have fun while she's dealing with it. It's breaking my heart. I have £1500 tucked away in inheritance I got after a relative died which I planned to give DD when she turned 18. However I'm considering booking us a mother/daughter trip to New York for a week with the money. I'll probably plan it around the time prom would be. She's always wanted to go to New York and I just want to give her something to look forward to. Should I, or is it impulsive?

I am so disgusted that this treatment of children is still happening in school. My anger says use the 1.5k to fight the school legally. But I’m sure the academy has deep pockets and this would be wasted money. I would also be questioning the legality and wonder if the school will be recording this as your dd withdrawing on mental health grounds. Instead of dealing with the bullying they are blaming the victim. Give your dd a big hug and let her know we think her happiness is worth very much to us.

As for the holiday, your dd does need to have something to look forward to. That is very important. Only you know if she will be able to cope with this trip. If you are sure she will cope, I would definitely book it. If you have doubts it may be better to plan taking her away somewhere cheaper that week in case she can’t cope and doing the NY trip at a later date. She doesn’t need pressure of any kind of failure if she them feels unable to go.

As for college, will she be getting away from these people?

Look into outreach teaching as well. That is another way your DD might be able to do her GCSE’s. That is a service for kids who are unable to attend school for some reason (usually mental health) and they do their schooling at home. They send a teacher out to your home once or twice a week to supervise your kid’s work and set the next set. It’s an extremely valuable service - and you don’t have those bitchy girls to deal with.

Focusing solely on the exams, as everyone has expressed what I would about the bullying...as you said, the school told you that due to the amount of work that hasn't been done, they don't feel it would be in her best interests to do the exams.

Can you imagine how failing everything would impact on an already fragile teenager?

If she can catch up, or do them elsewhere, fine. But I agree that right now, exam stress on top of everything else will probably only compound the problems.

How does she feel about doing some of her exams? What does she need to get to the college she wants to go to?

I don't think £1.5k will give you the holiday in New York that you think it would - after flights and hotels you'd have nothing left. I'd save the money.

I feel bad for your DD, I hope you get something sorted. You need to approach the school about the bullying like...yesterday. the fact that it's gone on so long and allowed your daughter to isolate herself to this extent is awful.

The school environment is toxic and I would not let her ever set foot in there again.

There are always other options. I'd start by ringing the education department and colleges. For her to feel in control of her life again she needs to know she has choices.

I'd also look into her possibly getting a part time job, finding activities that she really enjoys and spend a lot of time outdoors (off of social media!). She needs to connect with herself again, so she can be confident in her own identity which has nothing to do with the nasty people.

And yes, a change of scene like a holiday can work wonders. She needs to see that there's an entire world away from that toxic school.

Given they've been absolutely useless re the bullying I'm inclined to think that they don't want her to take the exams for fear her results would reflect badly on the school?

I would let her decide whether she wants to go to school or not, but use the money you would be spending on NY to pay for some private tuition regardless.

I agree with others in that I'd be looking at how that money could be used to try and get her some GCSEs

So what is the school’s plan if not GCSEs? Is she still to go to lessons?

Surely they can’t mean all GCSEs? Not even English language and maths?

Op. id save the money. Remove dd from school. They sound unsupportive and she doesnt need that stress. Time off and some tlc and next sept enroll her in a local college to do her gcses. She needs to stop following ex bf if she can. Does she have any interests eg dancing, pottery, reading, music, horse riding. Good luck and hugs xx

If she’s being targeted and subjected to bullying I wouldn’t be keen to send her in to that environment every day. Poor girl.

Perhaps she should take 3/4 GCSE's and the £1500 could go towards that - or therapy.

I'm a bit shocked about a serious boyfriend in Y10. How much did you and dd discuss GCSE's before the school said "no". Did you think about moving schools for rhevsake of her education when the friendships wobbled.

I'm sorry to hear what your DD has been through but here is what you need to do now... (Senior teacher with a background in Mental Health).

You need to contact the school and ask for a meeting with the Deputy Head in charge of Curriculum and the SENDCO. At that meeting you need to talk about the options of virtual school or a host school (often known as a 6 week placement but in this case, it will be until study leave starts). The other option would be letting her go in early study leave and releasing her to you. Your daughter has a right to full time education though.

Next you need to talk about her exams again. They have withdrawn her as exams cost money and they think she is going to fail. Ask them to put her in for the ones she thinks she can do ( maths and English would be best but probably the most difficult to catch up on). You could offer to pay for her entry, if that's an option for you. You want the SENDCO there as you need all the evidence you can get for an EHCP request.. more on that in a bit.

Next, you need to contact your local college ( or ask the careers advisor in school to do it) and sort a pathway for next year. You can definitely do level 2 courses without GCSEs and some level 3 too, depending on the college. The college will be able to advise you and your DD in the way forward and don't worry about her being behind a year, college will be full of all sorts of people so no one will notice her age.

Once she is at college, you can then start the ball rolling on an EHCP on SEMH grounds, using the evidence from school, college and camhs. This will potentially stay with her until she is 25, giving her access to funding to meet her needs at college and for things like counselling sessions etc, if she needs them. It will be a long road to get one but will be worth it, if you can.

I hope that's helpful and sorry if I'm repeating things you already know.

Feel free to PM me if you need to

@mintycedric As a GP, I wouldn't write a note saying someone was "fit to take GCSEs". What if she makes a further suicide attempt? What if she's successful in that attempt? I have no way of knowing what will happen. Even if I wrote a factual note about the DD's health, if would be private work and OP would have to pay a fee. Given that a note from the GP is unlikely to be useful to OP's cause, I wouldn't recommend wasting the money getting one.

They don't want her to sit them due to the fact she 'might' not get the grades she was predicted it all adds to their performance so the engineer it with kids who won't pass to not do them or do certificates and not exams. I had a similar problem with my dd and she ended up in an alternative provision. They are so good with her they have made sure she knows that whatever she gets she will progress to the career she wants. She's prepared to work hard though and is! She's come through some awful stuff which resulted in medication and all sorts to make her feel better about stuff. A few months down the road your dd will have forgotten all about the boy who broke her heart and the friend who turned on her I guarantee it x

Is there an option for her to study at home and just go to school to take the exams? Hopefully they can accommodate that and there are loads of resources on line ( bitesize, gcsepod youtube etcetc). We've had loads of issues with DS and his behaviour at school (lovely at home, hates school) so have looked at loads of options. Can you appeal to the school governors? Seems ridiculous to stop her taking the exams?? Pm me if you want to chat more. So sorry for you and DD x

How many gcses does she need to get on her college course? Many are four gcse including maths and English, I believe.

Is she focused? How likely is she to get a level 4/5 in several subjects including the crucial math and English? If you think she's capable of passing the minimum requirements then id withdraw her from school and spend that money on a bit of tutoring and enter her as an outside candidate at a nearby centre. Check out if you can force school to let her sit them there. If legally school have to allow her to do them then insist she does them in a separate room to the bullies. A holiday will be a sticking plaster, spending the money on exams and tutoring will treat the wound.

If you think she'd struggle to pass or if she's not mentally strong enough, then write off this year and make practical plans for next year. Be that a new school to resit year 11 or preferably college to sit gcses. Don't go back into that toxic environment this year and yes book something to look forward to. But the best thing is to sort a route for next year so that she can draw a line under this year. Whatever that may be, she knows can move on and not worry about school for now.

I would go to the LA rather than the school. School sounds like they are just worrying about their league tables, whereas you need to advocate for your DD by going above them.

Look at your Local Authority's provision for 'education other than at school' - this is very different to home ed. I'm pretty sure they have a legal obligation to provide education once a child has been out of school for 5 days. Hold them to account to provide it. Don't get pushed into saying you will home ed unless it is what you want/can do.

From the schools pov she will still be on roll and count on their figures so for them to suggest not taking them is quite a big deal. Unless they're taking her off roll.

I think this is about the schools performance too.

Is there any way of moving her schools and resitting year 10?

What SuperHeroMum said.

Do you think ncs would be good for her to look forward to?
www.ncsyes.co.uk/?gclsrc=aw.ds&&gclid=CjwKCAjwstfkBRBoEiwADTmnEOEWzAvDs2iEOREIEdiuUrzPMCxl-KDZAfgr4OgywZy0d99rwkfg8hoCYPsQAvD_BwE

Has she realistically got the emotional resilience to bounce back from catastrophic failure of her GCSE’s - if she sits them and it goes wrong?

Can you ask the school what ones she has a realistic prospect of passing and take it from there?

Talk to the school re the bullying - read their anti bullying policy first and make sure you know what they should have done.

You’ve been a bit unfair on her former BF. Him contacting her would have been a very bad idea. He’s entitled to move on, you and me and a man going by on a horse knows it wasn’t likely to last once he moved - which his mother was entitled to do and it might have been for the secondary reason of shifting him someowhere new where he could make different friends.

Good luck.

And as to all the stuff she would have been doing, the lifestages stuff - she wasn’t going to be doing that anyway, harsh as it sounds, because she doesn’t have friends to do it with - I’d concentrate on getting her through what gcse you can and getting her somewhere else for sixth form where she (hopefully) will make new friends.

They have withdrawn her as exams cost money and they think she is going to fail.
All about the bottom line and credibility then. This is very dangerous reasoning by the school, isn’t it? In that case, will it end? Some people aren’t academically minded and will also fail. Should schools therefore unilaterally be able to decide a student will fail and remove them? I don’t think so. Education is free in this country. Taking GCSE exams (at least in mainstream school) in this country is a right, not a privilege, isn’t it?

Not trying to pick fault with your post btw SuperHeroMum. Just wondering if this is a “natural” consequence of business running education.