So worried about DD, what can I do to help her? And AIBU to think school is wrong?

[OldhamAndCheese]

She's 16 and in Year 11. She has never been in the "popular" group at school, but she's always coped perfectly fine. She was very alone at the start of Year 7 as we had moved house just at the beginning away from all her of her friends, but by the time she was halfway through Year 7 her and a few of the other "oddballs" (hate calling them that but the group used to describe themselves as such things with pride!) had formed a group. There were about 7 of them and they were really solid. Beginning of Year 10 she even got a BF who was part of their group. Things were great for a few months, she was always out with friends and had a great social life etc. But halfway through Year 10 a friend in the group decided she liked DD's boyfriend and made the rest of the year hell for DD. This girl was a lot more gobby than DD and did all sorts to try and split them up, telling BF she'd seen DD with another boy and the like. Thankfully her BF was an absolutely lovely lad and told this girl where to go. This however resulted in the couple being ostracised from the rest of the group as the other girl managed to get them all on side.

It was a shame but DD didn't seem too phased. Her and her BF stuck together. I tried to encourage her to make other friends so that she wasn't relying on BF too much, saying that she needed other people to spend time with if BF finished with her. She kicked off at me for suggesting that, being 15 she was of the opinion that her and her BF were unbreakable. At the end of Year 10 the BF's mum decided to move in with her long term partner who lived on the other side of our city (very big city, so it was still 35 miles away). DD was understandably devastated, as was her BF at the time. They agreed still to be in a relationship and spend weekends with each other. Planning more days in the week once Year 11 was out of the way. So off he went. DD didn't see anybody except him over the Summer hols. Started Year 11 absolutley miserable with no friends and was starting to get very depressed.

Then in January she confided in me that BF had been getting distant. She told me she'd say she had missed him and he'd only respond "Aw :(". Also he had somehow managed to get into the popular group at his new school and suddenly had a very active social life and less time for her. There were plenty of girls he was hanging around with. 1 week after we spoke about it he text her saying "I don't think this relationship is sustainable anymore. The distance is too awkward." DD begged him to stay with her but he unfollowed her on everything. The next day she saw he'd changed his relationship status to say he was now with a girl he'd be hanging around with. DD was in absolute bits, and ended up taking an overdose.

She spent 2 weeks in hospital and then a further 6 weeks out of school on mental health grounds as she had been threatening to hang herself among other things. Her ex BF is aware of this and has made no effort to get in contact. She has only very recently gone back and has been the talk of the school. Rumours going around that she is pregnant, a drug addict etc. Jealous ex friend has been having a field day with it all and has been giving DD hell day to day. Today has been the last straw. She's come home bloody distraught because she had spent lunchtime in the toilet to avoid people and some girl made up a rumour that she was in there for the hour performing an abortion on herself ffs. We were asked to go into the school at 6pm later on today for a meeting expecting it to be about this. Nope, they brought us in to tell us they would not be letting DD sit her GCSE'S as she has missed too much and they think she should be focusing on her mental health.

DD been in bits all evening. She keeps seeing pictures of her BF and his new GF on social media (told her to stop stalking him but she does it anyway), she's being harassed and threatened by peers, she just in the past couple of days found out her absolute arse of a father who doesn't bother with her has had a new baby with someone she knows nothing about (not getting in to that, a whole other thread!), and now she's been told she can't do her GCSE'S which means she won't be able to get onto the college course she's been so looking forward to. The thought of going to college and meeting new people had been saving her. I tried to tell school that I believe taking her GCSE's will benefit her and DD tried to tell them as well, but they wouldn't have it.

I am dreading the rest of Year 11. I don't know if I should send her back to school or not. What's the point? If the bastards aren't going to let her take her exams then why should she go? If she had friends who she wanted to go in and see then it would be different but she doesn't. And now I'm also left not knowing what to do with her once Year 11 finishes. She really does need to go to college. She wants to go. Is it possible for her to start in September as would everybody else her age despite having no GCSE's? Or does she have to get them first? I don't want her to have to start college a year late and I certainly can't afford for her to be doing GCSE'S privately!

And exams aside, it's also meant to be a really exciting time over the next few months for people her age. She should be excited about getting GCSE results with friends...the end of Year 11 prom...the endless fun and exciting plans that Year 11 like to make for the holidays once they've finished school...looking forward to college...considering part time jobs...all the other Year 11's I know are going to music festivals with friends in the Summer to celebrate GCSE's ending...all of this has been ripped away from DD and we are left facing months of isolation, loneliness, worry about her future, uncertainty, and she has to watch everybody else have fun while she's dealing with it. It's breaking my heart. I have £1500 tucked away in inheritance I got after a relative died which I planned to give DD when she turned 18. However I'm considering booking us a mother/daughter trip to New York for a week with the money. I'll probably plan it around the time prom would be. She's always wanted to go to New York and I just want to give her something to look forward to. Should I, or is it impulsive?

I'm not trying to state the obvious but have you got a copy of the schools bullying policy &written to the school & the governors explaining the situation, officially calling out the bullying and saying you'll raise it with the appropriate council/ombudsmen? Apologies if you've already done this but in my experience a lot of schools do nothing about bullying until it's in writing in front of senior executives.

With regards to her mental health, how much support is she receiving? EMDR therapy is astonishingly good at dealing with bullying & low sense of self, could you look into that? I know far too well that insufficiently dealt with mental health bullying can develop into complex ptsd. I'm surprised that while she was hospitalised they didn't talk to her about removing her social media for a while. Most psychs see it as highly damaging & some hospitals go as far as blocking it entirely.

PPS have give some great advice about how to deal with the GCSEs, but I think you could frame this process as both your dd getting better and taking the time to really figure out what she wants to study & where and then how she wants to go about it. She's lucky to have you fighting by her side (and I do think it's going to be a fight) but that message is something that she won't forget.

Your poor daughter. I know exactly what heartbreak from your first real love as a teenager feels like, it's horrific. I cried everyday for months and juggling school was hard. Teenage girls can be vile and thoughtless too.
Is there any way she can move school and get a fresh start?

Sorry to hear your DD has been going through so much.
Firstly, you need to put everything in writing to school so you have evidence of everything that’s said.
I would...
-Write to the governors, explaining she is fit enough to take her exams.
-Find out if they have a ‘hub’ area or similar where children with anxiety/Mh issues/SEND can go at breaks and lunch times. She can chill out there, do extra revision etc without the other kids bullying her.
-see if school will allocate a teacher she can go to and chat to/confide in about anything.

If your DD was at school for the January census then her results will count for the school even if she doesn't take any, so I'm surprised they are not letting her take them? We have some year 11 students who have very recently been transferred to hospital education in very similar circumstances (due to their mental health), they will be sitting their GCSEs with them.

I would be talking to local colleges about options for your daughter.
I think a total change of scene would be beneficial in the long term though difficult at first.

Is your daughter having therapy? If not I would look for regular therapists.
And find hobbies/interests for her to build up confidence.

I hope things begin to turn a round for you both

What course was she going to do at college? If you speak to the college it’s likely she’ll be able to take some GCSE’s along side her college course. There are also access courses for those who don’t get the right GCSE grades. For example my son didn’t do well in GCSE’s started an access catering course and stayed at college 3 years to get the highest one they offered L3 NVQ. He’s now a chef and doing well. He did English and Maths GCSE along side try to get the C or above grades.

There are ways around not doing GCSE’s but may mean a little longer in college overall.

verbena whilst I broadly ageee, I think the op needs to find out if her daughter is fit to do her exams and if so how many and which ones.

She has missed a significant amount of school and probably had difficulties prior to that due to her poor MH.

My DD had a long period out of school in her GCSE year and she dropped 2 GCSEs and didn’t sit them as there was no realistic prospect of her passing them.

She also made a clear plan of where she would go after school (to college not the sixth form) and we wrote off a holiday/the prom because she had no friends to go with and going to the prom on her own without a pre to go to would have been worse.

She went to college and flourished. She’s heading for university in September and is happy, settled, her mental health is good - she’s a different child.

I don’t think it’s fair to say the school is just not letting her take them due to their figures. They have a duty of care to their students and could honestly think that this girl’s mental health couldn’t cope with the stress of taking the exams and then the fallout if she fails them.

Personally, if my daughter had tried to kill herself a few exams would be the last thing on my mind. I would immediately pull her out of school and work on building up her self esteem and resilience, then think about the future once she was in a better frame of mind.

Good luck with it all, and I hope she’s feeling more positive about things soon.

Your post absolutely resonated with me, as my DD is also in Y11, but has missed most of this year due to mental health issues. HOWEVER, her school has been excellent and so supportive. They sent work home for her and set her up on the school virtual environment, so she has mostly kept up with peers. She wont get the grades she ought to get, but she isnt dead either, and thats all i care about. GCSEs can happen at college next year or whatever.

Its just wrong that your daughter has been so let down by her school, in so many ways, and i am genuinely so sorry.

Take superheromum's spectacular practical advice. Start 1st thing Monday morning.

And please, if you are showing your own upset at your romantic notions of how wonderful the "experiences" she is missing are then stop. This is not the reality for most teens. Even in the outwardly more "together" kids, the whole process of sitting exams, prom, leaving school, planning a so-called idyllic summer etc is stressful, anxiety-inducing and nowhere near what it is cracked up to be.

My advice with your money is to plan lots of little ongoing treats rather than a blow out, high octane trip that once over in the blink of an eye could bring on another deep low.

All the best to your and your dd. I sincerely hope the next couple of years can start to get her back on an even keel x

Surely you signed to agree to the exams some months ago? January I think?
DD has 3 weeks left of school prior to the study leave then exams

Can you ask at another centre for her to sit the exams? You may need to pay, but you could als sue the school for the cost

Can you post in legal in here to see if there’s are president for this? I don’t think they can withdraw her at this late stage! They’ve already paid

Get her out of the school. It’s toxic and is damaging her mental health. If they won’t let her sit the exams then there’s no point in her being there. Depending on how much you want to fight you could consider going to the govenors/ofsted, but completely understandable if you just want to get your daughter out of there ASAP. What a vile environment for her.

Book New York. Absolutely. Something to look forward to and plan together. It will give her something to focus on instead of stalking her ex. I can recommend the Yotel. Small but modern and very central. Much cheaper than some of the other central hotels. You can walk to Times Square in less than 10 mins.

What course is she interested in doing at college? Start by looking at their entrance requirements. Some courses don’t require previous qualifications.

If she does need qualifications, see if you can enroll her to do these at a local college or adult learning centre. Focus on the minimum that she needs for the college course. So if she only needs three GCSEs then enroll her for the three GCSEs. Don’t overwhelm her with additional qualifications that she doesn’t need right now.

Are there any local groups that are vaguely connected to what your daughter wants to do at college? Or voluntary opportunities in that field? Try to get her as close to her college goal as possible. So say if she wants to work with animals see if the local vets or animal shelters need volunteers. She’ll meet like minded people and will hopefully be much happier doing something that she wants to do.

Big hug for you mama, your daughter is lucky to have you

Hi Op I could have written your post a couple of years back although the MH aspect was no where near as bad as you’ve had to cope with. We were a year further along so AS levels. She did take them and did okish but then went to college and redid the year it was a completely different environment she thrived and is now doing very well in her first year at uni. She still gets some bad days about how her friends all turned on her.

It seems like the world is imploding in you at the moment but it is just a blip in the grand scheme of things.

The most important thing here is how is your DD, does she feel mentally strong enough to take them and does she feel prepared enough? If the answer is yes then go to the LEA and fight her corner and as pp have said you can always pay to take them privately.

Under no circumstances would I be sending her back to that school and I would definitely be putting a complaint in about the bullying that led to the issues you’ve had.

If the answer from DD isn’t a strong yes that gives you confidence in her own beliefs that she can do this start looking at other schools with a view to repeating year 11 or as has been suggested go directly to the colleges and ask for options. I have know someone who repeated year 10 for similar reasons and again different environment they thrived.

As for this summer another vote here for NCS which was mentioned upthread. It will get her mixing with people from across the district and is a perfect way to complete detach from what has been going on.

So sorry OP that is so awful for your daughter the school have failed her. I don't really have any advice except to say that if you can fight with the school and get them to let her take the exams she absolutely can results.

I missed a whole year of school (yr8) due to bullying and in years 10 and 11 had a 74% attendance due to mental health issues and walked away with 6Bs and 6Cs, not the best results in the world but absolutely enough to get on 90% of college courses. Fight the school, go to the council, tell anyone who listen and drag the schools name through the mud. Your DD can succeed despite everything and the school should be ashamed that they value their league tables more than your daughters health.

Right. I'm afraid I haven't read the other replies as I just have lots of ideas I want to share before I forget! (Baby brain!) I work in a centre just for year 11s who get referred to us because of lots of reasons but mainly an awful school experience and in need of a last chance. We just focus on four or five GCSEs and functional skills tests which get students into college places. The school should be offering her support to get these basic qualifications. If year 10 was okay surely she has some course work etc completed? Deadlines are approaching in most subjects for these so maybe stuff she could do at home!? I would think a reduced time table to focus on maths and English gcse and maybe anything she is nearly finished from before she had time off?!
If school are not compliant, contact the college and tell them as much as you can and she is comfortable with because these are exceptional circumstances and it could be possible she can do an extra year at college just starting on a lower level and then progressing? (Ask if that doesn't make sense)
Finally, and this is my cynical mind, she is going to not reach her target grades as she has had time off so schools are often worried about this reflecting in their results tables etc. We have had a few late referrals for, I suspect , this exact reason. Completely unethical but defiately happens!
I really hope some of this helps and your DD is okay. Maybe cahms waiting list for additional help, or private counselling through gp or if you can afford to pay for it.
Best of luck to both

What @superheromum said too!! Great advice! Come back if you need more! You sound like the superhero OP. Keep going

In your shoes, Id contact your l9cal FE colleges, explain your situation and look at the courses on offer. Your dd could do GCSE maths and English alongside a Btec level 2 course in, well practically anything. She could start to tailor her education to her and her interests. There are lots of pathways to succesful careers these days, GCSEs arent the be all and end all. Go to your gp and ask for a referal to a counciling service. Then, once that is sorted, I'd take her on holiday. Somewhere without wifi. Let her reconnect with herself, show her how special she is.

College is free up until the age of 19 so she would be able to spend 3 years there. 1 doing gcses and 2 doing the course she plans to do. At college she will be able to do less gcses (schools seem to make kids do 10 or so - you don't really need that many) which will be less pressure.
Forget the school. Take her out. Spend the next 6 months focusing on her mental health. Focus on things she enjoys doing, maybe some volunteering. In the summer she can do the National Citizen Scheme. She doesn't need to be a toxic school environment. Get her out of it.

My heart honestly goes out to you both. But not all is lost, far from it. This is someone who was in the same position, same age and without the wonderful support of a mum like you.

If I was in your position:

I would be finding somewhere else for her to sit the exams, no reason at all why she shouldn't (Outrageous of the school to stop her doing her GCSEs but there we are. You can put in a formal complaint once you have your dd sorted) Start with your local authority op and move from there. I am certain you will be able to find a way around this.

Deregister from her current school or have her signed off on MH grounds whatever is easiest immediately. Please do not put her through going to that school any longer. Her treatment there could ensure another suicide attempt.

Ask her to minimise all SM contact if possible (seeing the photos of the proms, her ex bf could trigger her)

Work on her GCSE together. You can support her as much as possible. There is no reason why she won't do well if she puts in the work.

Apply for college place for September.

Fly out to NY for the best mother and daughter trip ever after her exams.

Spend the summer working on her mental health, building her up and getting her ready for college. When she is feeling better, a voluntary job with animals or even some paid pt work will help.

Ask all family friends to rally around, come and visit and spend time with her. She needs to know there is life beyond the hell of school

You can do this. Massive hand hold

This sounds awful. If you think she can pass her exams then you can insist school put her forward and she can get out and start college. If she can’t then that might set her MH and confidence back further. Maybe if she needs extra tuition that’s where to put a bit of your savings towards? And definitely look at other options. Like colleges showered she could sit them. Get straight on to council about other options for her for this. Crazy schoolmsaying this just weeks away from exams starting. You should be able to say that getting her exams and leaving school in couple months is what she needs.
And so sorry you’re both going through this.

OldhamAndCheese - I can't add any more to what has already been said, though in your place, I would take SuperHeroMum's advice, though I would first try to be as sure as I could that the stress of taking exams in six weeks' time will not be too much for your DD in her present state.
for you both. I hope it works out in the best possible way, like some of the great examples some mums here have given above.

gosh, that's bad luck. IME, normally the stupid social dramatics stop by end of yr9, certainly don't continue until yr11.
Does she look back on boyf yet & say "OMG he SO wasn't worth it?" That's the first attitude change I'd hope for.

Sounds like she is very much NOT well enough to go thru exams stress.
Nobody needs to go to college more than they need to sort out their mental health.
Travel is stressful so a trip abroad is not what I'd be thinking to reduce stress.
You need to negotiate with her about what she wants to do here and now, without (adding pressure by) making it sound like anything needs to happen, other than getting onto a path to recovery from her illness.

Talk to colleges about what she can do if has no GCSEs or very poor ones; there are programmes to retake in a 1 yr compressed course at many colleges.

I'm not commenting on the practical suggestions you've had OP as I think you've got some really good advice, but I can comment on this phenomenon of bullying and ostracising.

I can really really really identify with your pain OP because I think I felt probably almost as distressed (but obviously not as) as my daughter did, just by observing the awful impact on her.

She had bullying in year 7. Prior to this she had a 'lovely' group of friends, she was always off here and there on sleepovers, they'd get the bus and go swimming, hung out at school. Then this one girl comes into the friendship group. I call this character The Agitator. They understand the power of 'the group' and it gives them great pleasure to blow up established friendships by agitating, chipping away at them, and finding that ONE person for everyone else to ostracise. And that was my DD. I would say for the child victim, it's akin to a bereavement to not only suddenly lose all your friends, but to also be cast out of what is, in effect, your family. It's devastating, devastating. My DD used to message me about 11am's when it was breaktime, from the toilets, as she had no one to hang out with.

Throughout and to her credit she retained a sense of self and right and wrong and morality. She refused to try and get back into any group that contained a girl who was a (sorry for this word, it's much overused towards women and girls but I can't think of another) - a bitch or had been a bitch or was two-faced or a stirrer. She had developed a strong sense of people who couldn't be trusted and were best to keep away from.

She had very difficult times on top of which she too never sees her dad because he's a feckless weak man. She was on her own in her bedroom for one entire summer. Even up until recently she spent 95% of her weekends totally on her own albeit things had improved a bit when she moved to sixth form.

So essentially the journey to now has included on and off 5 years of a mixture of a living soul-destroying hell, some bearable bits, and a few highlights where she went to a couple of pop concerts with someone and had a lovely boyfriend for about the last year (though I've got this feeling she's dumped him now (!!) but haven't asked her about it yet!!).

What I want to say is that it WILL, eventually, get better. Your DD needs to retain the knowledge that there will be an improvement, at some point. It will not be like this forever. Tell her this is my DD now (and she's had a fair bit of absence due to gynae-type issues plus quite a few days due to anxiety):

She has multiple people to hang out with at college
She has made new friends at college
She has people to hang out with at college
She is generally feeling quite happy about life
She has just got herself a Sat/Sun job and is earning her own money

We had some very very dark days and the schools are CLUELESS about bullying. They don't know about casting out, group dynamics, any of that stuff. They don't talk about it in school (not really, not in any detail) and their bullying policies are generally that, policies only. Policies are meant to be lived and enacted but schools often don't do this and apply inconsistent consequences and don't actually apply the policy.

I bet your DD is bloody fabulous OP. Ask her what SHE wants to do. See if she'd have a go at doing NCS or something like that (mine wouldn't, I did try!!). But it HAS got better and your DD needs to hold onto the knowledge that it will also get better for her too. It will.

I work in a centre just for year 11s who get referred to us because of lots of reasons but mainly an awful school experience and in need of a last chance. We just focus on four or five GCSEs and functional skills tests which get students into college places.

My daughter is year 11 and she started going to a centre like this about a month ago. Prior to that she'd been off school for 9 months with MH issues - I thought the support she'd had was pretty hit and miss but sounds like your family have had next to nothing. Time to channel your Mum power. Are CAMHS involved? Early Help? Educational Welfare at local authority? The school will have already entered your daughter for GCSEs so leave that as it is, she can sit them but we'll come to that later. Ask to see her Statement of Entry which will give her exam listings.

There are so many people in your position for many different reasons; at the place my daughter goes there is now an influx of year 11s unable to cope - most MN won't realise how common this is, and becoming more so. There are a few support groups that are excellent you can go on their website or facebook pages:

www.notfineinschool.org.uk

www.schoolrefusal.co.uk

I'd be taking her out of school immediately - take her to the GP, she's already made one attempt on her life I am amazed she's managed to go back to school at all it sounds like a toxic environment. She's done enough of year 10 and 11 to make a stab at those exams. What were her plans for year 12? Please tell me not 6th form at that school? Look for colleges further afield.

Finally, and most importantly, you need to contact one of the advice organisations like IAS who are funded to support families in this position they are very knowledgeable and are recognised by schools:

councilfordisabledchildren.org.uk/information-advice-and-support-services-network/find-your-local-ias-service

Don't be confused by "disability" - such a serious MH issue means that your daughter would be classed as having additional needs and the school can put her on the SEN register themselves.

There is a lot you can do next week before the Easter break, it might seem overwhelming and I can imagine you just want it all to be ok and go away so she can go back to school and sit her exams. Well she can certainly sit them but that doesn't have to mean going back to school if her mental health isn't up to it and the school have clearly tried to abdicate all responsibility for the bullying. Get angry, get advice.

I went through a similar situation about mental health and school/exams. I have legal advice from MIND which I will PM you later today.