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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Got the baby 24/7

101 replies

MH1975 · 22/03/2019 23:16

So, I have a beautiful 15 week old baby boy who obviously I love to bits and he’s amazing and fortunately a really good baby - sleeps well and not at all whingy etc

However, I have him 24/7 - DP has carried on his life with no change basically
He goes to the gym 5 times a week and tonight for example he went off to the pub
I have absolutely no problem with any of this but he won’t look after DS so that I can do anything?!
I do go out for the odd lunch with friends but always take DS with me
I have a horse which I’m not managing to ride and have to do all the stable jobs etc with DS in tow in his pushchair
Whenever I bring the subject up DP tries to make out that I’m trying to stop him doing stuff - I’m not, I just think we both should be able to do things?!
He reckons he doesn’t want to have him in an evening or weekend as that’s his “chill” time - he does work hard yes, but when am I supposed to get any “chill” time? I’m only asking for an hour here and there!
Bearing in mind the horse is at home so he can soon come out to me if there’s a problem
He’s had him a couple of times but if DS so much as grizzles DP comes out shouting at me and I have to go and get DS so it’s honestly more hassle than it’s worth!
I keep trying to discuss this with DP but he just tries to make it out to be that I’m moaning at him for going out etc which I’m not! Or tries to guilt me and say “that’s your little boy, why don’t u want to look after him”?!
It’s all just so one sided - he’d never put up with it if it was the other way round
Also annoying that it was him that really wanted to have this baby - I’ve already got a 17 yo DD from a previous relationship, so I’ve literally started all over again just as she turned independent!
He is out of order isn’t he??

OP posts:
Verynice · 23/03/2019 04:10

I love this video.

Not sure if there's a newborn equivalent, but it might help him realise that you're fucking exhausted too.

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka · 23/03/2019 04:13

Wrong thread. Damn insomnia sorry OP! Blush

Verynice · 23/03/2019 04:14

This one is good too lol.

youknowmedontyou · 23/03/2019 05:33

Did he not want this child....he's a complete wanker a dreadful husband a a disgrace as a father!

NoineNoine · 23/03/2019 05:45

Don't talk. Talking gives him an excuse to emotionally blackmail you and it gets nowhere. He knows what your stand is, so just leave the baby and go. He'll learn you mean business soon enough.

Ninabean17 · 23/03/2019 06:15

I wouldn't even try and negotiate. Get up in the morning, "just going out to xyz" and leave. He's a father now, surely he must understand he has to step up and do something?!

Butteredghost · 23/03/2019 06:31

He's a wanker, but so are all men. You might be able to force or nag him in to doing the absolute minimum, but he won't do it willingly or happily.

My advice to women is, never have a child you aren't prepared to take care of 99% of the time (at least).

Yes that's very pessimistic. Yes that's letting men off the hook. But it's reality.

youknowmedontyou · 23/03/2019 06:32

@Butteredghost He's a wanker, but so are all men

No they're not....utter bullshit!

Butteredghost · 23/03/2019 06:35

I have a 10 month old, his dad has taken care of him solo 3 times in his life. It hasnt been an issue before as I don't go out much so I guess I never really noticed. My mum babysits when needed.

Today DH was at home doing nothing, I said I'm going to the gym for 40 minutes. He said to take the baby with me.

Although it's a small thing, honestly with that one sentence I lost all love and respect for him, and really all hope for the male kind. They don't love us or the dc and the sooner we accept that and get on with life the better.

Butteredghost · 23/03/2019 06:36

youknowmedontyou Fair enough, if I meet one that actually contributes without being forced, I'll happily change my opinion. I'm 35 and haven't yet.

youknowmedontyou · 23/03/2019 06:40

@Butteredghost to state all men are wankers is ridiculous! You haven't met a decent man in 30 + years? Not saying Bern in a relationship with one, but never come across a nice man? I find that impossible to believe.

Your partner choices may be off but your statement is ludicrous.

Treaclepie19 · 23/03/2019 06:40

@Butteredghost my DH is the complete opposite and would do anything for us. Good men do exist.

OP I'd agree with above. Remind him that if you weren't together he would be solo parenting much, much more.

BobIsNotYourUncle · 23/03/2019 06:48

Butteredghost no I’m afraid you’re making sweeping generalisations Your man is a selfish twat. Leave him and teach your child this is not how you treat other people in relationships. Be the positive role model.

My DH could not be more the opposite. We are a team. He adores our children.

Also, maybe set your bar higher.

MangoBiscuit · 23/03/2019 06:48

Butteredghost, you need to meet my DH. We're 50/50 with the DCs. He did nappies and night wakings from the start. He does all the kids parties. He knows their teachers, and their friends. He does half the ferrying about. He can even plait their hair (took a while to learn!)
We occasionally argue about housework, but never about the parenting load.

OP, your OH is being a selfish man child, and a pretty shitty dad. You're not asking him to give up anything. He already agreed to that when he asked to have a child with you.

keepforgettingmyusername · 23/03/2019 06:49

He's being a total prick. The mistake you are making is telling him you aren't stopping him doing stuff. You should want to stop him doing stuff, and tell him so. Gym 5 times a week is ridiculous.

BeanBag7 · 23/03/2019 06:52

@Butteredghost
My husband works part time, 3 days, and so do I. We both have hobbies we do in the evenings. We share childcare, housework and finances.
I know plenty of men who share childcare and a few who are stay at home parents.
Don't excuse the behaviour of some idiot men by saying That's just what men are like, because it's not.

ApolloandDaphne · 23/03/2019 06:53

You have had a baby with a selfish arsehole.

MrsTeaspoon · 23/03/2019 06:57

Ugh what a horrible attitude he has!! Please do not put up with it any more. You deserve equality, respect and kindness within a relationship...he is manipulative and selfish and lazy. Simply do not respond to insinuations you do not love your child - how repulsive! Tbh if my DH ever behaved/spoke to me as he does you I’d be going and he knows it.
It must be a huge shock for you that he is like this - I did the same, had more children after a huge gap so my husband could have children - but he is showing his TRUE colours now and you have to say no more. My DH spends almost all his spare time with me/kids, he is so proud of having a family finally...and from birth, and after very long shift-work/nights, and at 4am with illness etc he simply is gentle and loving and considerate. Again, if he wasn’t he’d be out on his ear as I won’t be used. Don’t wear blinkers lovely.

ukgift2016 · 23/03/2019 07:11

My stbeh was the same. He just refused to 'get it'. We split up.

He is still not a great father, he does not have that parental urge many parents do but he sees our DD one day a week.

Some men just do not like family life. I got more breaks when I split with my ex, living together I was like a single mum so the split actually freed me.

sar302 · 23/03/2019 07:15

Unless he's stupid, he does understand, he just doesn't care. Which makes him a fairly disgusting human being.

For every hour of leisure he gets, you get one too. As there aren't 12 nights in a week, it looks like he no longer gets 5 nights at the gym and one at the pub. So two leisure sessions each, and alternate who goes out the 5th night, then spend a couple of evenings together.

And he can look after his son for an hour. Calling you as soon as he grizzles is pathetic and designed to make it impossible for you to leave your baby for any period of time.

He's lazy and manipulative. You need to spell out to him what it's going to happen from now on, and be prepared to leave if he doesn't follow through.

I'm so cross on your behalf!!

Ragwort · 23/03/2019 07:17

Butteredghost I’d hate to be in your circle if you say you’ve never met a father who does his fair share Hmm. Why do you accept such low levels of support?
My DH has always contributed at least equally to child care & raising our DS, as well as earning enough to enable me to be a SAHM for years, our DS is a teenager now but DH is the one taking him to a uni open day today & I am enjoying a weekend away Smile.

septembersunshine · 23/03/2019 07:27

Sounds like your dh is not that interested in his son. Just wants nothing to do with him. I would worry about this. He doesn't sound like he is engaged with fatherhood at all. Does he show his son any love at all?

I just wonder how he will be when he is older? Probably more of the same. You might want to point out if he carries on like this even when his dc is a small boy he might not bond or care for his dad at all.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 23/03/2019 07:27

Hi OP

He is horribly selfish and sexist. You've had some decent advice on here but I'm not sure it will work because you've already been quite clear with him why this isn't fair and the effect it's having on you - he knows, and he doesn't actually care, because he thinks it's your job because you're a woman. He thinks it's fine for one half of a couple to have all the leisure time if they're a man. He is happy with a baby being brought up by only one parent if it's the woman.

I'm not sure what will work with someone with such engrained awful views. You could try counselling like you've suggested. I think though the only thing that has a chance of getting through to him, is giving him an ultimatum and meaning it and sticking to it. It sounds like your life won't be much different if you split. However whatever it takes to change his behaviour I think I'd struggle to be with him, knowing he would actually rather be doing anything else than being a parent, I'd struggle to let go of the resentment.

My husband and I make sure we get equal leisure time, time off, we do equal stuff with the kids - the nice stuff, the mundane (nursery runs, tidying toys etc) and the hard stuff (time off when sick, night waking etc). I didn't have to force him or ask him it was always just assumed 50 50 because we both made the decision to have children, and he gives a shit about me

flingingmelon · 23/03/2019 08:20

I don't think your DH is lazy or selfish, I think he's scared of looking after the baby.

When baby is settled and DH is in the house have an 'emergency'. If you're running out of the house he hasn't time to kick off.

Four hours spent facing his fear should help a lot!

Good luck OP Smile

lablablab · 23/03/2019 08:26

The problem here is that you're 'asking'. You need to tell him that on this date, every Sat morning for example, you'll be going to such and such. You'll be back at 1pm.

This baby is his child too and he needs to take responsibility. And you need some down time.

If you leave him, he'll have to have him on his own a hell of a lot more! So it's in his best interests to keep you happy!