Got the baby 24/7

[MH1975]

So, I have a beautiful 15 week old baby boy who obviously I love to bits and he’s amazing and fortunately a really good baby - sleeps well and not at all whingy etc

However, I have him 24/7 - DP has carried on his life with no change basically
He goes to the gym 5 times a week and tonight for example he went off to the pub
I have absolutely no problem with any of this but he won’t look after DS so that I can do anything?!
I do go out for the odd lunch with friends but always take DS with me
I have a horse which I’m not managing to ride and have to do all the stable jobs etc with DS in tow in his pushchair
Whenever I bring the subject up DP tries to make out that I’m trying to stop him doing stuff - I’m not, I just think we both should be able to do things?!
He reckons he doesn’t want to have him in an evening or weekend as that’s his “chill” time - he does work hard yes, but when am I supposed to get any “chill” time? I’m only asking for an hour here and there!
Bearing in mind the horse is at home so he can soon come out to me if there’s a problem
He’s had him a couple of times but if DS so much as grizzles DP comes out shouting at me and I have to go and get DS so it’s honestly more hassle than it’s worth!
I keep trying to discuss this with DP but he just tries to make it out to be that I’m moaning at him for going out etc which I’m not! Or tries to guilt me and say “that’s your little boy, why don’t u want to look after him”?!
It’s all just so one sided - he’d never put up with it if it was the other way round
Also annoying that it was him that really wanted to have this baby - I’ve already got a 17 yo DD from a previous relationship, so I’ve literally started all over again just as she turned independent!
He is out of order isn’t he??

[AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo]

While 'all men' is obviously hyperbole - and, considering her situation, I think that can be forgiven -, Butteredghost is not wrong that there are far, far too many men - plenty of whom look very liberated initially - who behave like this. And I say that as one of those with a 'good one', who pulls considerably more than his weight with the dc and house and is an equal parent in every way that matters. Blaming her (or, for that matter, OP) for her 'choices' is disingenuous, considering the weight of societal expectation on women to make relationships 'work' and be good mothers. All these men are doing is exploiting that (OP's is tapping into it, quite possibly deliberately, when he pulls the mother's guilt emotional blackmail shtick). That doesn't mean it's OK or acceptable or inevitable. We (women in general) need to stop accepting this. But it does mean it's not our fault.

OP, serious talk time. Don't disappear off out (he may do literally nothing with your ds and then turn it onto you and your selfishness when you get back). Tell him the balance is entirely unequal, you cannot and will not keep going on like this, he is losing the opportunity to bond with his ds as the equal parent he should be, and state (if that is what you want) that you are going to relationship counselling. I think you need to be prepared, however, to decide where your boundary is if he doesn't change.

[Stawp]

You're basically a single Mum with a lodger.

[BobIsNotYourUncle]

I would be asking him why he wanted a baby when he seems unwilling to do any actual parenting. Why did he bother.

[CurlsandCurves]

DH was a bit like this when our first arrived. One comment he made was ‘things don’t change that much, do they?’ No, I always used to be up in the middle of the night, several times a night!

The final straw was when he uttered the words ‘It’s my day off’. I went ballistic. He soon saw the light and began to pull his weight.

Sounds like he’s not worked it out for himself, so you’ve got to spell it out for him. We have a child now, things have changed and you need to change too.

[Cherylshaw]

I'm actually ragging for you! You have to tell him how you are feeling and that it's making you dislike him as he is being incredibly selfish.

[KM99]

OP - he's either selfish or scared, either way his behaviour in gaslighting you each time you bring it up is unacceptable.

If it were me I'd be telling him clearly that you won't be in a relationship with a man who won't parent his child and he needs to decide what he wants.

[EmrysAtticus]

My DH has his faults but he is a fantastic dad buttered! Does 50% of the parenting without a doubt and does far more bedtimes than I do as I hate bedtime. He also happily takes DS out for a couple of hours on a weekend so I can have time to myself and I do the same for him. He is 100% confident in caring for DS on his own and I have never been concerns when he has DS on his own.

[user1480880826]

It sounds to me like he knows he’s out of order because whenever you try and talk to him his knee jerk reaction is to complain that you’re trying to take away his “chill time”. People with babies don’t really get chill time I’m afraid. Tell him to grow the fuck up.

[Creamwhite]

Incredibly out of order.
Break up with him and then you'll get joint custody. Even if he only has him every other weekend that'd at least be a break for you.

[frankiefirstyear]

This is so common!! I hate that men are like this. This is exactly what I had to deal with until in company when 'dad of the year' act would be played out in full force. I used to say here you go (hand over baby) and say going in the shower/to shop/for a cuppa with xyz. Unfortunately my ex had anger issues so wasn't actually worth it and it became clear he couldn't be trusted with his child anyway. I LTB and tbh after the initial hatred and blaming I decided to let go of those emotions and it was actually easier because the disappointment of being constantly let down had vanished.

[Butteredghost]

Well it's good to hear everyone on this thread (apart from OP) has partners that do equal childcare from day 1 (sorry that sounds sarcastic but I sincerely mean that) but just have a read of this forum to see that it isn't the norm.

Its not just me or my friends, I'm part of a "due in x month" fb group from mumsnet, there are 90 women in the group. There are maybe 2-3 of those women that say their partners contribute equally without being forced.

Its not that these men aren't "nice", my DH is quite nice and does his share of house work and that type of thing. He says all the right things about feminism, etc. But he just doesn't see children as his responsibility. Deep down that male privilege is still there. This is really common and it's something we have to confront as a society. Saying "oh well you've got bad taste in men" isn't going to solve this deeply entrenched problem.

[youknowmedontyou]

but just have a read of this forum to see that it isn't the norm.

Not the norm on this forum because people only post "issues". Can you imagine the AIBU thread saying "my OH is an equal parent, I never feel pressured into doing everything myself, it's an equal partnership".......

This forum is not reflective of real life and every couple in it!

[Butteredghost]

Not the norm on this forum because people only post "issues".

Not really, there are hundreds of thousands of members who are here for talk about humour, recipes, fitness, children, economics, feminism, the environment, pets, books, parking, politics, basically everything you can think of. There are people posting about how to get by the next two weeks on £3, and people posting about how much to offer their nanny to accompany them on an international ski holiday. There are people with 7 kids and people who are child free.

It's a cross section of society. It's not just a bunch of down and out people sharing stories of horrible husbands.

[youknowmedontyou]

@Butteredghost you come across as extremely bitter, don't teach your children misandry!

[youknowmedontyou]

And as I said @Butteredghost it's a cross section but people don't post to say "oh my OH is so normal and reasonable" AIBU to think I'm the only one?

[Ihatehashtags]

He won’t??? Sorry that’s bullshit. He can, but he doesn’t want to. Just tell him you’re off to the shops for the morning and leave without your son !!!! I think that’ll get the message across.

[ChiaraRimini]

Has anyone had a Dh like this who actually changed?
Mine was a selfish arsehole like this and I tied myself in knots trying to get him to understand that the balance wasn't fair. I thought it must be something wrong with the way I was explaining it. Nope, he just didn't want to know
We are divorced now and he fucked off to live with his new girlfriend miles away so only sees the kids EOW, but now at least I get 2 days a fortnight off instead of zero.

[Butteredghost]

youknowmedontyou I'm not bitter but I accept reality.

Oh well then OP I guess you better ltb as apparently 99.9999% of men out there do equal domestic work and childcare, and your DH is an extreme rarity! Apart from in your household there is perfect equality between the sexes, and the internationally renowned and discussed book wife work was just a joke - because it couldn't be further from the truth!

Meanwhile back on planet earth...

[InternetArgument]

I don’t understand how your DH can avoid seeing how much you need him to help now. So sorry to hear this

One thing I’ve got from MN is how common this kind of behaviour is nowadays

[CheshireChat]

Have you managed to talk to him OP?

[Purpleartichoke]

my DH was great in some ways and awful in others. He did eventually become a better parenting partner.

[Motoko]

Oh, just dump the cunt. He's not going to change, and if you leave your son with him, he'll make sure you regret it.

It's abuse. He pushed for you to have a baby, so you'd be tied to him, and find it hard to leave. Abuse typically starts during pregnancy, or once the baby is born.

Check out The Freedom Programme.

Oh, and it's advised that you should not have joint counselling with an abuser.

[youknowmedontyou]

@Butteredghost get a grip not ALL men are as selfish and useless as the men you've settled for! My husband and sons are living proof. I'm hoping you don't have sons that you're going to bring up teaching them as men that they can act like that!

[AgentJohnson]

Op, it’s not that he doesn’t know how you feel, it’s just that he doesn’t care how you feel. Start putting verbs in your sentences and play him at his own game. You need your leisure time as much as he does and start taking it. Every time he starts to complain and makes excuses, smile and nod and say he’s our baby not just my baby.

His obvious strategy is to wear you down to the point that you STFU, so don’t!

[flumpybear]

Perhaps he's scared?