Got the baby 24/7

[MH1975]

So, I have a beautiful 15 week old baby boy who obviously I love to bits and he’s amazing and fortunately a really good baby - sleeps well and not at all whingy etc

However, I have him 24/7 - DP has carried on his life with no change basically
He goes to the gym 5 times a week and tonight for example he went off to the pub
I have absolutely no problem with any of this but he won’t look after DS so that I can do anything?!
I do go out for the odd lunch with friends but always take DS with me
I have a horse which I’m not managing to ride and have to do all the stable jobs etc with DS in tow in his pushchair
Whenever I bring the subject up DP tries to make out that I’m trying to stop him doing stuff - I’m not, I just think we both should be able to do things?!
He reckons he doesn’t want to have him in an evening or weekend as that’s his “chill” time - he does work hard yes, but when am I supposed to get any “chill” time? I’m only asking for an hour here and there!
Bearing in mind the horse is at home so he can soon come out to me if there’s a problem
He’s had him a couple of times but if DS so much as grizzles DP comes out shouting at me and I have to go and get DS so it’s honestly more hassle than it’s worth!
I keep trying to discuss this with DP but he just tries to make it out to be that I’m moaning at him for going out etc which I’m not! Or tries to guilt me and say “that’s your little boy, why don’t u want to look after him”?!
It’s all just so one sided - he’d never put up with it if it was the other way round
Also annoying that it was him that really wanted to have this baby - I’ve already got a 17 yo DD from a previous relationship, so I’ve literally started all over again just as she turned independent!
He is out of order isn’t he??

[Hotterthanahotthing]

I would probably find that I was too busy to do the admin for his business.After all if he carries on like this he will need to know how to do it himself.

[Tolleshunt]

Take two pieces of paper. Draw a table with seven columns on each, one for each day of the week, split into three rows, titled 'morning', 'afternoon' and 'evening'. Keep a diary on these tables for each of you, noting when each of you has time off/leisure time, that is purely to yourself.

At the end of the week, sit him down, and show him, visually, how much time he has had to pursue his hobbies/to himself, and how much you have had. Ask him why he thinks this is acceptable. Explain that it isn't acceptable. Explain that from now on, you will both be taking equal leisure time. And will both be taking responsibility for caring for your DS. Make it clear that if he doesn't stop being a lazy, selfish, chauvinist pig and a crap father, you will be leaving. And mean it.

[PBobs]

This is insanity. I'm a hard working independent woman but I would have a bloody problem with 5 nights gymming, pub, etc. If it were me I'd refuse to do the admin for his business anymore - just say you don't have time anymore. I'd also get a cleaner if you don't have one already and get "D"H to pitch in half the cost.

[Toomuchworking]

I'd suggest that since you are expected to work with DS in tow he can do the same, 50/50. If he can't do that then he can pay for childcare for his share of time.
In the long run though it's him who will miss out as your child will always prefer you. Then you'll get the blame for that too no doubt. Honestly, I'd leave him.

[Preggosaurus9]

I don't get why you are doing all this work. Your birth recovery and baby sound unusually "easy" if you're able to do all that. Imagine if you had a more difficult baby and a longer recovery. You wouldn't have been able to carry on working like that. I guess I'm just scratching my head a bit as to why you are carrying on doing all this when it's not reasonable at all.

DP sounds like a manchild. Very unattractive. A tactical meltdown might work. Counselling isn't the point is it!

[Nanny0gg]

However, I have him 24/7 - DP has carried on his life with no change basically He goes to the gym 5 times a week and tonight for example he went off to the pub I have absolutely no problem with any of this but he won’t look after DS so that I can do anything?!

Why don't you have a problem with this? You should be raging.

[BitOfFun]

How does he fancy parenting a toddler at weekends from a bedsit? Because that's where he's heading.

[Aquamarine1029]

I find it very hard to believe that his selfishness has never reared it's ugly head until you had his child.

[user764329056]

Bloody hell OP, you have more patience than me, I couldn’t handle him being like that for any length of time, what a complete idiot, hope you get it sorted but he sounds totally ignorant

[tympanic]

That whole “don’t you want to look after him?!”... really grinds my gears. It’s designed to guilt trip you. Like we don’t have enough mother’s guilt as it is.

Your situation sounds a lot like mine. I wish I’d set the standard from the get-go, but two years on I’m still doing the bulk of caring. I’m getting tougher on my husband now but it’s difficult to break the pattern. Ironically, he complains our son doesn’t warm to him like he does to me. Calls him a “mama’s boy”.

Don’t buy into the guilt trips or any of that other crap. You’ve done really well to do everything on your own so far, but that doesn’t mean you should have to continue. Don’t ask for a break. Just tell him. I get the concern about your DS. My husband has a temper too, probably because he gets his own way if he shouts. Which is probably why my son now shouts to get his own way. :(

Don’t let him tantrum his way out of things. Perhaps start small and build up. “Watch DS while I go to the bathroom/have a shower/make lunch/go to the shops/meet friends” etc until you get a good whack of time to yourself.

I realise you shouldn’t have to covertly condition him into it, but you know what they say about (some) men.

[MH1975]

Seriously, he was never selfish like this before! Although before I had the baby obviously I could do what I wanted when I wanted so there wasn’t an issue

For those of u saying I should have problem with him going to the gym etc - I don’t mind him doing that as long as I get to do something for myself - it’s the double standards that piss me off

Re back to work - we’ve got our own businesses so have to just crack on! Fortunately the baby is a really good one! (Labour was horrendous though!)

[floribunda18]

Yep, YANBU, he is. When DD1 was little I had nights out and used to go running and to the gym.

[MH1975]

Maybe the writing leisure time down as suggested is a good idea - maybe he will understand if it’s in black and white in front of him - I just don’t seem to be able to get my point across even when I try and be very clear - I’ve even texted it all to him before to see if that would finally get into his thick skull but didn’t make any difference 🤷‍♀️

[Sparrowlegs248]

You need to sort this out if you can OP. My husband was the same. We're been separated 18 months and are getting divorced. I also have a horse, he went out on loan .

I went on to have a second child and was on my own with 2 under 2, and it was so much easier than living with a petulant grumpy arsehole of a husband.

[mathanxiety]

I agree with Crabbyandproudofit you need to turn his words back on him.

Yes indeed you are trying to take 'his time' away from him.
Ask him why this is a problem now that he is a parent.
Ask him if he really thought becoming a father would never involve any contact with his baby or time commitment.

And YY ask him to visualise parenting the baby eow from a bedsit (BitOfFun).

For your part, you need to look at your tendency to be a martyr. You have given him the impression that your role is 'doormat' here. You had expectations of his demeanour while you were pregnant that he did not fulfill - did you communicate this to him? Did you communicate your disappointment to him when he fell short? You went way above and beyond the call of duty at the time the baby was born - why?
Agree with Preggosaurus9 here.

[Sparrowlegs248]

Oh and yes , now that were separated, I get every Sunday "off" and he comes to see them 2 evenings a week . If I were you with the horse at home I could be riding 3 x a week. Makes separation quite an attractive prospect!

[CheshireChat]

Nottalotta I came to say the same thing.

Just tell him if you separate he'll have to do loads more so maybe he should be more appreciative.

I do realise that practically speaking the above isn't technically true, but it might drive the point home.

[Ofthread]

Divorce/separation, clearly.

[joliejoleen]

He has a little baby and doesn't want to spend time with him? Wtf. He's an absolute bellend, no doubt about that. I'd be looking for the exit if I were you. As a matter of fact, I was you. 4 years ago. I'm a single parent now and so much better off.

[TTQuestion]

Would you leave him over this? If so, give him an ultimatum which involves leaving. I think the nuclear option is all that may get through to the lazy bastard.
If you don't consider it a leaving offence I think you have no option but to accept that this is your life now. He knows how utterly selfish and unreasonable he's being but does it anyway, because he can, so I can't see how any amount of reasoning beyond what you've already done (which any normal person would have found compelling enough already) is going to make any difference.

[CheshireChat]

You could always ask him why his leisure time is so much more important than yours...

[PBobs]

Unless he is incredibly unintelligent, he did get it in his thick skull and he does understand it. He is choosing to ignore it. Possibly because you are. You are carrying on as though there is no issue. Yes. You should have an issue with the gym nights precisely because you are not getting the same deal in return - I would hope most of us don't demand everyone give up everything when a baby arrives. The point is he'll just carry on as usual because you allow it.

Why are you texting him? Collar him when he comes home, sit him down, show him a schedule of your day and then tell him what is left to do that evening. If he doesn't agree to 50-50 then I'm not sure where you go from there to be honest.

[steff13]

If you hadn't said it was his idea to have the baby, I'd have thought he hadn't wanted a baby. He sounds very selfish.

[flyings0l0]

I’ve even texted it all to him before to see if that would finally get into his thick skull but didn’t make any difference

I bet he does understand and be knows. but he is selfish dick.

just leave the baby with him and go out. force it onto him.

[YouSayPotatoesISayVodka]

OP you’re not unreasonable to be pissed off. I can only assume your aunt has set the bar really low for herself regarding what constitutes a good man/father. Sad for her, irritating beyond belief for you.

FWIW I am a single parent. That’s how I view myself. I don’t much care if other people agree. My children go to their dad once a fortnight. There is no contact in between. He is an abusive cunt (we were in refuge because of him) and as a result I can never fully relax while my children are with him. I make all parenting decisions for the children, (he hasn’t shown any interest in doing so at all) I buy them everything, and I am not in a position where I can ask him for help with anything. As I said, he is abusive. I’ve been advised not to ask for any kind of favour from him by professionals. I wouldn’t anyway.

It’s all my own fault obviously. Silly me, knowingly choosing such a loser to have children with