To ask how you manage a relationship with in-laws you dislike?

[MrsMuffins]

I didn’t want to use the word ‘hate’, but honestly I’m not far off. We’re going to visit them tomorrow (FIL & step-MIL) and I’m dreading it - my anxiety has been steadily ramping up all week, and honesty I feel sick at the thought of staying there overnight. I’ve posted on here before about how dysfunctional DH’s relationship is with them, but there’s no chance of going no contact, so... how do you manage it when you have to see them?

They are emotionally unavailable, make no effort to contact us or visit us, no effort to build a relationship with DS (which means when we do visit he’s clingy and I’m sure they think I’m a massively overprotective mother ). They have extremely differing views to me, and will often say things that they know I find offensive or upsetting - about killing animals, LGBT+ rights, fucking Brexit, etc. They will often sit in silence which I find uncomfortable, and I live on my nerves when we are there - every time I give myself a talking to, but I still find it so stressful. Help!

Op you and your dc are his meat shields. If he won't go alone then why should you be forced to so that he doesn't get the brunt of their behaviour.

I'm not too sure what you want from your posts, but I hope you receive the help and support you need.

You have asked; "AIBU to ask how you manage a relationship with in-laws you dislike?".... and been given a variety of answers.

You say you are not far off hating them.
Your anxiety has been steadily ramping up all week, and you feel sick at the thought of staying there overnight. You know you're DH's relationship with them is dysfunctional, and that you feel he isn't in the right place to acknowledge the FOG cycle and/or consider going NC.

You say you live on your nerves when you are there.

You want to go because you don't feel your DH can manage it without you. What i'm hearing is that you're doing a thing that seems highly detrimental to your mental health, in the name of supporting your DH. And that you don't feel able to ask your DH to confront his issues around his parents. So you're going to support him in physically maintaining contact by continuing to go along to the visits that send your anxiety through the roof for a week or more beforehand, leave you on constant edge while you're there and actively submit to being in a situation where you know people will say offensive things and you will feel stressed throughout. While he, presumably, goes through much of the same. It's bern 10 years and nothing has changed.

What would you say to a friend in your shoes?

I don't agree with half the shit my in-laws say and some of the family dynamics are pretty toxic but I try and ignore that stuff and look for whst is nice about them. No-ones perfect.

@MrsMuffins he didn’t talk about it for years. I don’t think he even realises just how crazy his family was until he met my normal family. Since having our own kids he talks about it a lot more but he has no desire to ever confront his now fairly elderly parents. It’s sad but I don’t think he will get any closure on the matter until they are gone

@LeesPostersAreInFrames I really, really appreciate you hearing what I’m saying, and reading it back puts it into perspective. The problem is, I know all this, but it’s a whole other ballgame to ask DH to confront these issues.

Snap except they're coming here for three nights, I've been the same re anxiety. I'm really struggling with B feeding at the mo and feeling v depressed with it and don't want want guests or audience of anyone let alone judgey people 😑 just been sat in car crying covered in baby vom crying because I don't want to go home as I know they'll be there.

@Jebuschristchocolatebar gosh this is exactly the same - my family are polar opposites to DH’s, and it took him a long time to adjust and feel comfortable with them. Now I think he’s closer to my dad than he is to his own. And I don’t think he’ll get any closure either - for the limited involvement they actually have in our lives, I’m not sure it’s worth the massive emotional stress for him to confront it.

@SchnitzelVonCrum sending , you have my total sympathies that you have to deal with them in your house! I used to use BF as the perfect excuse to go and feed/hide in the bedroom!

I really, really appreciate you hearing what I’m saying, and reading it back puts it into perspective. The problem is, I know all this, but it’s a whole other ballgame to ask DH to confront these issues.

What if it were to be possible that you could protect yourself and your children, and signpost your DH to a healthier path without asking your DH to confront deep childhood trauma (unless/until he is ready)? What might that look like, if it were possible?

What if the greatest gift you could give to him was to show him what self-care and appropriate boundaries looks like in his most dearly loved and appreciated human, his wife?

What if you not tiptoeing around facilitating dysfunction to continue, were to be the greatest gift he's ever received?

DH might find it easier to start breaking away if he is protecting you.

I expect he defends them if you complain. Maybe try saying when MIL talks about gay people it makes be uncomfortable and anxious, would you rescue me when she does it? Change the subject, take me for a walk, give my hand a squeeze, or something like that?

This gets him noticing the behaviours. He's not having to stand up to them but is subtly protecting you. He'll start to see it more clearly himself then.

How often do you have to go? How old are they?

I think these are a few factors in how you handle it. I think of its not often grin & bear it because there is no point in thinking they will change.
I think as your child gets older that will present more challenges as you won't be able to tolerate their influence on DC.
This is what I massively struggle with, loathe the values they demonstrate and normalise. My DC are now older so at least able to have a debate