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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how you manage a relationship with in-laws you dislike?

86 replies

MrsMuffins · 22/03/2019 08:47

I didn’t want to use the word ‘hate’, but honestly I’m not far off. We’re going to visit them tomorrow (FIL & step-MIL) and I’m dreading it - my anxiety has been steadily ramping up all week, and honesty I feel sick at the thought of staying there overnight. I’ve posted on here before about how dysfunctional DH’s relationship is with them, but there’s no chance of going no contact, so... how do you manage it when you have to see them?

They are emotionally unavailable, make no effort to contact us or visit us, no effort to build a relationship with DS (which means when we do visit he’s clingy and I’m sure they think I’m a massively overprotective mother ). They have extremely differing views to me, and will often say things that they know I find offensive or upsetting - about killing animals, LGBT+ rights, fucking Brexit, etc. They will often sit in silence which I find uncomfortable, and I live on my nerves when we are there - every time I give myself a talking to, but I still find it so stressful. Help!

OP posts:

LizzieSiddal · 22/03/2019 12:56

He knows it’s shit and their relationship isn’t normal, but he’s not in a place where he feels he can cut contact. And yes, going ‘as a team’ is exactly how I feel - it’s supporting each other rather than codependency, isn’t that what marriage is about?!

Yes it is what marriage is about. Go along, support each other and then get out and enjoy the rest of your day.
Also my Dh went for therapy. It’s taken him a long time but he now understands his relationship with his parents is not his fault and he can handle them much better, which makes my life easier!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 22/03/2019 12:56

You have a few choices then - you go and carry on as you have been doing and let them annoy you and count down till you leave or you calmly stop them in their tracks when they start talking bollocks.

You’ve said you are always as sweet as pie which is probably why they feel they can carry on with their behaviour because nobody ever pulls them up!

Idreamofpizza · 22/03/2019 12:56

After many years of being tolerant and smiling through gritted teeth I hit a wall. I realised that while I was making an effort and trying to maintain a good relationship they were doing exactly what they wanted. I also realised that I don't care what they think of me as their opinion doesn't matter to me. I also told my dh very honestly how I felt and why. It helped that my kids are now old enough to have their own relationships with their grandparents without me having to manage it. I now see them as little as possible and never actively engage with them.

puppymouse · 22/03/2019 12:57

@BelleEButton I'm controlling about many things but I need to trust DH to parent DD. That means he will make some different choices to me but overall I know we're on the same page and he needs to approach this as he sees fit. I know he will protect her and do his best. I would add emotion to the situation which she would pick up on.

Hollowvictory · 22/03/2019 12:58

Seriously I would not go. I don't go to my I laws I don't like their house. Dh doesn't go to mine. We don't inflict each others parents on eachother! Stay home, you have a choice here, use it.

BertrandRussell · 22/03/2019 13:00

“Genuine q for those saying send DH + kids - if you think your PILs are a nasty piece of work, don’t you want to be there to manage their interactions with the kids at least? ”

Nope. Their dad is there. I’m not boss parent.

Jebuschristchocolatebar · 22/03/2019 13:01

I get you op. I have a similar relationship with my pils. Ds has a fucked up childhood with some boarding school thrown in for good measure. He has buried it all deep down and we go for the sake of some duty to his parents I suppose. I just bite my tounge, support him and zone out when the conversation turns to something racist, xenophobic, homophobic or whatever rant they are currently on and I ensure they are never alone with my kids. That’s my sole reason for going on visits so I can ensure if they say or do something mad I can politely step in and manage the situation. My dh would never go no contact with them

Drum2018 · 22/03/2019 13:01

@Annasgirl I see your point, but flip this round - if FIL died tomorrow, would I regret not supporting DH to have the best relationship possible with his dad? Yep

Bull - he doesn't have a good relationship with his dad so what are you supporting? You are supporting your Dh to continue a shit relationship with his parents. He had a shitty childhood all round - why not support him to seek help to overcome the memories of this instead of visiting the people who made his childhood shit. You are not supportive, you are complicit in continuing a dysfunctional relationship.

Annasgirl · 22/03/2019 13:03

Yes @Mrsmuffin I agree with you, but after many years of being you I had a long chat with my DH and he agreed it was too much to ask me so he now goes alone.

Could you even skip every second visit? DH and I are together 20 years and I have only pulled back recently and I still go to some events but mostly I leave it to him.

Hollowvictory · 22/03/2019 13:07

Agree with this^^
The relationship is broken there's nothing to support. He had a bad childhood. Neither of you are under any obligation to visit them you choose to due to fog.
If you said 'you know what dh, we do t like visiting pils, let's just not do it any more' then that would be more supportive! It doesn't mean going nc, it just means not trekking to see them.
I have not seen my mother in 8 years. Best decision ever. Its bliss. I'm free if her toxicity. If she died tomo would I feel guilty? No I wouldn't. I'm not responsible for her choices.
Just tell him you're not going and you'll sup him to stay home if he feels tye same or if he still wants to go, so be it. If it's really throwing yourself to the wolves do t bloody go, you're an adult. It's so liberating when you realise you can choose not to go!

Phineyj · 22/03/2019 13:08

I find it hard to believe (if you are in the UK) that there is no budget hotel within an hour's drive of these people. If you feel you must go, limiting the time will help a lot and make aspects f the trip fun. I like my PIL but other members of their family are irritating. Booking hotels and friends to visit on the way has helped a lot. It's great to have a plausible excuse to leave/not stay for lunch.

I also put up with it as my DFamily are a little trying so DH has to do a bit of tolerance too.

Happynow001 · 22/03/2019 13:12

After 10+ years nothing is going to change unless you or your DH changes it, sadly.

honestly I would feel like I was throwing DH to the wolves if I made him go alone!
^^ Would you actually be making him though? He's an adult and can surely do this alone? What do you owe his toxic parents after all - you have tried for so long and seem to get nothing positive back.

How healthy is it for you to feel the way you do before these visits?

I've seen the FOG referred to often on MN - perhaps they could be a source of more information for both you and your DH before too many more years go by.

https://outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guiltt_

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/toxic-relationships/201808/12-signs-toxic-parentt_

If you do go and visit, however, I hope it goes well.

Original poster

MrsMuffins · 22/03/2019 13:28

@BelleEButton somehow managed to miss your post - thank you for the really helpful advice, I really appreciate it (and the !)

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsMuffins · 22/03/2019 13:30

@Happynow001 it is 100% the FOG cycle - but how on earth do I just drop that on DH? He’s nowhere near acknowledging/recognising it. He might consider counselling - what type would people recommend?

OP posts:

BelleEButton · 22/03/2019 13:32

Thanks @Bertrand and @Puppy. It’s not about being controlling or boss parent, more the situation the OP has where she says the DH & PILs have a poor relationship which seems detrimental to DH and the DH can’t seem to extracte himself / improve things (not blaming him, FOG, stately homes etc). If the DH can’t protect himself I don’t think it’s controlling to be concerned that he may not be able to protect the children and therefore for the OP want / need to go too

Original poster

MrsMuffins · 22/03/2019 13:35

@BelleEButton yep 100% this, I don’t feel that DH can stand up to them sometimes and so I don’t like him being there without me.

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsMuffins · 22/03/2019 13:36

@Jebuschristchocolatebar are we married to the same man? Sorry your DH has also had a shit time - do you talk to him about it much? I do talk to DH, but I find it hard not to feel like I’m opening a can of worms. Having our DS has been the best thing that’s happened to him in terms of opening his eyes to what’s ‘normal’.

OP posts:

Hollowvictory · 22/03/2019 13:40

Well if you don't like him being there without you, that's rather controlling. Leave him to it. He survived being brought up by them he can manage a night. Or not go. His choice. Putting you through the pain of seeing them doesn't lessen his pain it makes it worse

Original poster

MrsMuffins · 22/03/2019 13:41

@Hollowvictory did you not read @BelleEButton‘s post?!

OP posts:

Hollowvictory · 22/03/2019 13:47

Yes. I would not be taking the kids either. Why would you!?
8 years ago this was me asking these questions here about my own mother. I then took the advice. I haven't seen her for 8 years nei have my kids. I don't expose them to toxic people.

Loopytiles · 22/03/2019 14:02

Much here depends on what you regard as “support” for DH.

Lots of free resources on the Stately Homes threads, and (often private) counselling recommendations too.

Loopytiles · 22/03/2019 14:08

Eg my DH has FOG with an alcoholic parent and when around them doesn’t always make sensible decisions with regard to the DC, including on occasions on safety - he prioritises his parent’s feelings

When DH visits that person I therefore want to be there too, or for DH to visit them alone (without our DC) primarily for the DCs’ sake, but mine and DH’s too.

This has caused conflict between DH and me over the years, as DH would still rather do what his parent would prefer, doesn’t “see” the issues. But DC’s safety and wellbeing is more important.

I guess what I’m saying is that “support” doesn’t necessarily mean doing what the person with the tricky parent wants. and sometimes involves challenge or even conflict.

MrsStock · 22/03/2019 14:08

I tried the being nice tactic with my MIL for years and it got me absolutely nowhere. I would dread seeing them and would worry afterwards that I had said or done something that would give them ammunition to be nasty about me behind my back, but I realised that I could be the perfect DIL and they would still be horrible!

Things started to improve and I would feel less anxious about future visits when I started sticking up for myself.

outpinked · 22/03/2019 14:15

I’d let your DH visit with DS if necessary but stay home. Not worth the stress.

BertrandRussell · 22/03/2019 14:15

“, I don’t feel that DH can stand up to them sometimes and so I don’t like him being there without me.”

Why not? What’s he going to do?

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