Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you manage a relationship with in-laws you dislike?

86 replies

MrsMuffins · 22/03/2019 08:47

I didn’t want to use the word ‘hate’, but honestly I’m not far off. We’re going to visit them tomorrow (FIL & step-MIL) and I’m dreading it - my anxiety has been steadily ramping up all week, and honesty I feel sick at the thought of staying there overnight. I’ve posted on here before about how dysfunctional DH’s relationship is with them, but there’s no chance of going no contact, so... how do you manage it when you have to see them?

They are emotionally unavailable, make no effort to contact us or visit us, no effort to build a relationship with DS (which means when we do visit he’s clingy and I’m sure they think I’m a massively overprotective mother Confused). They have extremely differing views to me, and will often say things that they know I find offensive or upsetting - about killing animals, LGBT+ rights, fucking Brexit, etc. They will often sit in silence which I find uncomfortable, and I live on my nerves when we are there - every time I give myself a talking to, but I still find it so stressful. Help!

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 22/03/2019 10:41

I leave any and all interactions to DH, apart from if he asks me to help him out by sending flowers for Mother’s Day etc (before anyone is outraged at me doing “wifework” he works long hours and is often away and I work PT from home so I don’t mind)
Apart from that if she messages me I just reply that she needs to speak to DH. I did go and visit at Xmas as the dc asked me to and probably would t have gone without out me but I won’t again and I’ve told DH that if mil comes up I’m going out

BlooperReel · 22/03/2019 10:45

10 years' of this would ahve driven me off the edge by now.

I think it's time you made an assertive decision:

  1. Go, be yourself, don't pussy foot around them, call them out on any bullshit they come up with (and be prepared for the fall out.)
  2. Don't go at all, tell DH you are sick to the back teeth of these awful visits and if he feels he must go, he can do so without you.

or

  1. Carry on for DH's sake (though it sounds like he goes out of duty more than want), bite your tongue and be forever frustrated and pissed off when these visits occur.

I could not live with 3.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 22/03/2019 10:45

Do NOT stay overnight. That's asking for issues even in harmonious in-law relationships, especially if there are children on board as well.

If distance makes a day trip impossible can't you stay in a hotel and maintain your own space whilst incorporating a long visit to them during the day? Then at least you have somewhere to escape to if things really do become intolerable.

Compromise is the answer. If you're putting yourself through this for the sake of your DP then it's fair you do so on terms which are more comfortable for you. Only if he's unwilling to compromise in any way would I then consider backing off and letting him deal with them on his own. And frankly, if things reach that stage then he'll have brought it on himself.

Spiritinabody · 22/03/2019 10:47

Do you have to stay there overnight? Couldn't you visit tomorrow then stay in a Premier Inn and enjoy time with your DH and DS on Sunday doing something different before you come home?

It doesn't matter if they think you are an over-protective mother. It doesn't matter what they think about anything.

If I didn't like them I would probably wouldn't visit them and would expect DH to visit them alone.

Could DH not tell them in advance that he doesn't want to discuss controversial issues as they are divisive and you want to enjoy the stay with them?

Original poster
MrsMuffins · 22/03/2019 11:31

Unfortunately yes we do have to stay overnight - they live in an extremely rural location so we can’t stay anywhere else locally.

OP posts:
puppymouse · 22/03/2019 11:34

I wouldn't be going and staying over if it was me. DH can take DS to see them.

My MiL was always annoying but meant well so I gritted my teeth through the irritating bits and smiled politely as much as I could. They lived close by so no need for longer interactions than a few hours but we saw them at least a couple of times a week.

Then there was a massive fallout (not to do with me but lots of nasty comments were made and things twisted that I'd said). It's been very sad and difficult to manage but I've held my nerve, kept my distance and let DH continue the relationship as he sees fit and take DD to them. Not my circus or my monkeys.

Takemetovegas · 22/03/2019 11:40

You go but "do your own thing". Make plenty of local plans to fill in your time (borderline rude like) and they can come or not (they won't and they won't care either).

This way you've each done your duty.

thecatsthecats · 22/03/2019 11:50

I was the grandchild in this situation. I didn't have a bond with my grandparents, but I wasn't traumatised by it either.

Personally if I were going for my husband's sake, I would go, but robustly as myself. I don't think I have anything to apologise for in being myself, nor my opinions. If it bothered them... well, it's up to them not to invite me back.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 22/03/2019 12:03

but honestly I would feel like I was throwing DH to the wolves if I made him go alone

Oh for goodness sakes, he's a grown man and you're a grown woman. If he wants to see his parents and you dont then he can go alone. Stop mollycoddling the bloke.

they live in an extremely rural location so we can’t stay anywhere else locally.

Do you drive ? or is this a public transport saga?

Isitweekendyet · 22/03/2019 12:08

At arm's length and with my own limitations firmly in place. It's taken a long time for us to stop making excuses for MIL.

I was once told 'you can't change how people treat you, but you can manage your own expectations of how their treatment affects you.'

As hard as it is, I try not to let it bothers me. They are the way they are and I cannot change them, nor alter their perspective or attitudes.

Original poster
MrsMuffins · 22/03/2019 12:18

@PlainSpeakingStraightTalking not mollycoddling, but he had a fairly shitty childhood all round, and I don’t think it’s unreasonable to support him and stand by him? Asking him to confront this issue is huge, and I’m pretty sure it would take more counselling than we can afford to deal with it fully! And yep we drive, but if we stayed somewhere else it would take so long to get there and back it wouldn’t be worth going!

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMuffins · 22/03/2019 12:19

@Isitweekendyet thank you, that is definitely a thought that I need to hang on to!

OP posts:
TapasForTwo · 22/03/2019 12:22

If you can't stay locally, surely there must be somewhere within half an hour/an hour that you can retreat to? Otherwise I would just let your husband go on his own. These people won't change, so I don't understand why he keeps torturing himself (and you) by continuing with these visits.

Loopytiles · 22/03/2019 12:26

For the time being you have chosen to comply with DH’s wish to visit them despite their behaviour. There are other choices available to you.

It doesn’t sound like DS will benefit from spending time with his GPs.

There are lots of useful, free resources listed on the Stately Homes / dysfunctional families threads in relationships.

Grumpbum123 · 22/03/2019 12:28

Check out mentally
Smile and write fuck off with your tongue on the roof of your mouth a lot

LizzieSiddal · 22/03/2019 12:34

Having over 30 years of experience of this I would second BelleButtons excellent advice.

I’d also add that you and DH have to go in as a team and feel you have each other’s backs.
Your Dh should be aware of your anxiety and should be making your visits easier. He should suggest walks/activities and pick sister and his parents up if they make any disparaging comments about you or your parenting.

Good luck.

LeesPostersAreInFrames · 22/03/2019 12:42

honestly I would feel like I was throwing DH to the wolves if I made him go alone

I just wasn't to gently encourage you to check this. Sounds like codependency over being actually helpful - of course I could be wrong.

BertrandRussell · 22/03/2019 12:44

Be unwell. Let do go and take ds. He can set off early, and have to come back the same day because you’re not well.

Trinpy · 22/03/2019 12:47

I don't bother going to my PiL's anymore because I got tired of the drama, but when I did I used to bring a couple of long novels with me and read those while his family shouted at each other and threw strops around me. I'm fine with him taking the dcs with him because they enjoy going but I probably wouldn't push it if they really hated it.

In general I find just laughing off their insults and bad behaviour is the best way. It's a ridiculous way for a couple of adults to behave and I don't let it get to me anymore.

PBobs · 22/03/2019 12:47

Take a stack of magazines or books with you and sigh and exclaim how pleased you are to have the time to read? Then read.

Original poster
MrsMuffins · 22/03/2019 12:47

@LizzieSiddal DH is very aware of how I feel - to a point, I’m careful I’m not just adding to his stress about it all - and he’s really supportive. He knows it’s shit and their relationship isn’t normal, but he’s not in a place where he feels he can cut contact. And yes, going ‘as a team’ is exactly how I feel - it’s supporting each other rather than codependency, isn’t that what marriage is about?!

OP posts:
Annasgirl · 22/03/2019 12:47

Do not go - I learned in my 40's (and later on Mumsnet) that "No" is a complete sentence.

If you died tomorrow would you regret spending time with them? If yes then take ownership and let your DH go alone (he is an adult I presume).

I no longer visit my in-laws as I find it too stressful and I end up shouting at DH and DC. Now they go alone and I enjoy other things. Your in-laws really don't want to see you - at most they want to see their blood relative and his DC, so they will never feel bothered that you are not there.

Original poster
MrsMuffins · 22/03/2019 12:50

@Annasgirl I see your point, but flip this round - if FIL died tomorrow, would I regret not supporting DH to have the best relationship possible with his dad? Yep.

OP posts:
BelleEButton · 22/03/2019 12:52

Genuine q for those saying send DH + kids - if you think your PILs are a nasty piece of work, don’t you want to be there to manage their interactions with the kids at least? Not goading just asking

BelleEButton · 22/03/2019 12:55

PS Thanks @LizzyS!