Mother in Law

[mothersandsons]

Hi. I’d be grateful for your thoughts on the dilemma we face...

Keeping a long story short my MIL is someone who compares (outwardly) what she has against what each of her boys have and also each of her sons against the other. Forever, she’s unhappy and makes a point of making an situation awakard and unhappy.

As an example, we had invited everyone to our first house warming party. She made it all about her and bossed my husband and I around, ruining a special moment for us. She was outwardly critical of our house and of the arrangements we had made, my clothes so on...! When we had our LO (preterm) she was nasty and told us his arms and legs would fall off...!!

I think it’s fair to say I really dislike her. Lol

When we bought our second house, we didn’t tell her. We said we were renting to avoid questions about how much it cost and how much each one of us had paid towards the deposit and then our individual wages. She had done exactly this with our first home. My husband didn’t even want them visiting us, for fears of how she has ruined things. I’ve said he’s fine to ask them to come over whenever, but he doesn’t want to.

We are now in the process of starting work on our home (extending and renovating)... and we don’t seem to be able to decide when to ask them over... FYI whenever she comes she brings univited guests (usually around an additional 10 people).

So... do we

• get her in and out before the extension starts
• get her in and out whilst the extension is going on
• or after the extension finishes

We have no intention of telling them we own the property... that last time she cried (in sadness) when we bought our home because her eldest didn’t have his own home... then she cried, again, and told me I would spend my life crying about my LO after he was born because her eldest didn’t have a boy!!

Thoughts ladies...

Don't invite her at all.
I'd never have anyone round again if they bought 10 extra people with them every time.
Learn to set some boundaries with her.
None of her behaviour is normal and you don't HAVE to put up with it.
If DH wants to keep in contact with her, then great.
But you don't have to!

Just don’t invite her ever. Your dh doesn’t seem bothered about inviting her. If she thinks you rent how will you explain the extension. There is no need for her to visit

Don’t invite her

@CalmdownJanet I love that suggestion 🤣. If only is thought of that while I was married

I suggest after the work as if you invite before then she comes after she will find it odd that your landlord built you an extension.

Thank you, ladies.

I’d rather not have her in my life at all. It started after we got married, and has carried on since. After all, she called us on our honeymoon to complain to us about what she wasn’t happy with the wedding!

Anyway, the reason for having her over... isn’t for nicety. She calls DH and argues with him about how he doesn’t come to see her often that she only has one child etc. There was on time when her whining made the poor man nearly crash his car!!

We visit her, and DH says that’s a way of keeping her at bay. Yet he says “My parents have never been to our house”. So... I don’t really know what he truly wants.

Do we keep going to theirs, and not let her come over?
I’m just worried it would take its toll on our marriage given DH changing his stance from time to time.

It’s a headache I could do without! This woman is nasty and I’d rather have nothing to do with her... I’m stuck for not allowing her to continue being disruptive

Option 4: never

DH this morning doesn’t like the idea of never allow his parents to visit...

So, what’s are best option?

Meant “our” not “are”...

Let him invite them over and you go out for the day, then he can answer all her questions and deal with the drama

He spends time with them alone. He doesn't get to use you as a meatshield

And out of the house.

Stop asking him about it! Stop discussing it. Either he will invite her over or he won’t. But stop making it a topic of conversation or something to worry over. (Hopefully he’ll just never actually get round to it!)

Get her in and out quickly.

Your DH doesn't have too answer the phone

He should start to answer it less and less... too gradually reduce it.

Leave it up to him then.
It is not a woman's job to organise all things to do with family (especially if it's his family).
Likelihood is that he will not bother to do it and then it is not your problem

-missing the point completely-
But what was her reaction when she thought you went from owning to renting? Did she approve or cry?

Why does strike through never bloody work for me?!

She calls DH and argues with him about how he doesn’t come to see her often that she only has one child etc.

What's does this mean? She has other sons. Or is she discounting your DH as she doesn't see him much?

If he wants them round, he needs to be very clear that she is not to bring anyone else to your home.

Can I ask if she behaves like this in front of other people? I was just wondering if you could invite others at the same time, which might make her shut up and not be nasty.

Don't get cornered alone with her and if she does make any rude or offensive comments, either ignore or call her out on it.

Responses like "Really MIL?" OR "Could you say that again MIL. For a minute I thought you said xyz, but that's so nasty, I must have misheard you"

tell him he can sort it all out....
and when he does
be busy..... have a hair appt/manicure booked or something/anything

you do not have to see her ....you do not have to wait for him to sort himself out .....you sort yourself out....

Owing to renting:
In my opinion, more content. Her eldest had bought is own property by then.
She kept telling us how wonderful our old home was (having told was it was crap) and how selling it wasn’t good. Lol

The issue with DH... is that he wants us to do most things as a family. As in sit through things together!

I don’t get why but this has resulted in significant “discussions” that are quite frankly a headache!

As the bottom line is... he would like them over at some point and has agreed on doing this as a formal invitation (to avoid randoms). The question is do we do this “gathering” before, during or after the extension/renovation?

I have no intention of being around if they choose to come after that, and also will obviously be limiting mine and DS contact with them.

Call her out on it, every single time. The worst thing that could happen is that she gets upset and never visit again, which might not be a bad thing considering!

"This house is awful"
This is our home and and we would appreciate it if you didn't criticise it as that is very offensive.

"I don't like your dress"
Did you mean to be so rude mil? You shouldn't criticise people's clothes.

"My eldest son will be so upset"
That's really his issue and nothing to do with us. We won't be changing our actions and will continue to do what's best for our family.

"why did you buy a house?"
Our financial decisions are really none of your business.

"Your baby is/will/do (insert something offensive)?"
Wow I'm really shocked by that comment. Really upsets us that you would say something like that about your gc.

Etc etc. Do not facilitate this behaviour at all. Tackle it, face it and deal with every single comment.

Don't have her over at all, she sounds awful.

The extension question is a bit random and the least of your worries imo. But as someone who's just had an extension I would say definitely before.

Extensions are hard work and very stressful. Our 6 month build turned into 13 months.
Your whole house will be topsy-turvy during the works which makes hosting difficult and they always always always over run. You'll be stressed out trying to get the house finished in time for this date. Definitely before.

@Bookworm4

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3178898-DH-embarrassed-by-my-sensitivity

I think it was nominated for classics but never moved there.