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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Mother in Law

79 replies

mothersandsons · 22/03/2019 07:20

Hi. I’d be grateful for your thoughts on the dilemma we face...

Keeping a long story short my MIL is someone who compares (outwardly) what she has against what each of her boys have and also each of her sons against the other. Forever, she’s unhappy and makes a point of making an situation awakard and unhappy.

As an example, we had invited everyone to our first house warming party. She made it all about her and bossed my husband and I around, ruining a special moment for us. She was outwardly critical of our house and of the arrangements we had made, my clothes so on...! When we had our LO (preterm) she was nasty and told us his arms and legs would fall off...!!

I think it’s fair to say I really dislike her. Lol

When we bought our second house, we didn’t tell her. We said we were renting to avoid questions about how much it cost and how much each one of us had paid towards the deposit and then our individual wages. She had done exactly this with our first home. My husband didn’t even want them visiting us, for fears of how she has ruined things. I’ve said he’s fine to ask them to come over whenever, but he doesn’t want to.

We are now in the process of starting work on our home (extending and renovating)... and we don’t seem to be able to decide when to ask them over... FYI whenever she comes she brings univited guests (usually around an additional 10 people).

So... do we

  • get her in and out before the extension starts
  • get her in and out whilst the extension is going on
  • or after the extension finishes

We have no intention of telling them we own the property... that last time she cried (in sadness) when we bought our home because her eldest didn’t have his own home... then she cried, again, and told me I would spend my life crying about my LO after he was born because her eldest didn’t have a boy!!

Thoughts ladies...

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 22/03/2019 09:06

Yes listen to your husband. Why are you even thinking about her coming over?

Sicario · 22/03/2019 09:06

Sounds like she might be from a traditional/cultural background where MILs seem to have no boundaries? If so, it's your house and your rules now.

Personally I'd just not bother with her any more. Not your mother, not your problem.

IggyAce · 22/03/2019 09:07

I think your husband has the right idea, let him take the lead in contacting and arranging visits for his mother.

pootyisabadcat · 22/03/2019 09:07

Don't invite her at all! Your H doesn't even want to.

Billben · 22/03/2019 09:07

I'd keep her at arms length ... unless they fall off 😬

^This. If your DH doesn’t want her over and you don’t like the woman, why do you even give this any headspace?

PregnantSea · 22/03/2019 09:08

She won't believe that you are renting the house if she sees the extension, so maybe just have her over before it starts.

Why you are having her over at all is beyond me... She sounds absolutely vile. But I'm guessing that you're just trying to include her because she's the DC's granny. Just be aware that as the children get older her influence may become very poisonous. Cutting her out may become a necessity to protect your DC.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 22/03/2019 09:11

Don't invite her - and if she ever decides to invite herself (with a phalanx of "guests"), don't let her in.

What is the matter with her? (There must be something seriously wrong with her.)

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 22/03/2019 09:13

I am sorry OP but she sounds like she needs some professional help! She sounds slightly warped.....Do the work,invite her round and say you liked the place so much you bought it...then go make a coffee whilst she wails to the heavens!!!!

VampirateQueen · 22/03/2019 09:17

She cried because you had a boy and her eldest doesn't? She sound Batshit.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 22/03/2019 09:21

If that is true then she obviously is in need of help. Nobody of sound mind turns up with 10 uninvited guests, or makes comments about body parts falling off.

Bluetrews25 · 22/03/2019 09:27

OP, I'm guessing you get on well with your own non-crazy DMum.
DMIL is crazy and your DP clearly does not wish to see her as she upsets you both. She is not going to change, all that you can change is how you handle her. You do not have to see her at all, there is nothing to be gained from meeting her. Your DP is telling you this. Listen to him. He is far more important than MIL and your imaginary 'should be' but never going to be normal relationship with her.
Let your DP decide, not you.
I would also go for option 4 and love a bit of digging. Grin

Contraceptionismyfriend · 22/03/2019 09:33

Why don't you both put your big girl pants on and shit her down?

"We are inviting you a t X date at Y time. Do not bring uninvited guests. If you do you will be turned away"

"Yes we do own the house. Our finically details are none of your business. Biscuit"

If she persists "MIL do you mean to sound so rude? We've told you to stop. Now either stop or leave"

buckeejit · 22/03/2019 09:37

Oh never invite her. She's possibly the worst mil I've heard of & I love a good mil thread. My own mil is great. I'd probably give her an ultimatum of be normal or go NC.

Are you British? It's far from normal to bring 10 unannounced guests with you, but I know other cultures might be 'the more the merrier'

Drum2018 · 22/03/2019 09:50

Why in earth are you even considering inviting her over? Your Dh doesn't want to - he should get his way in this instance. Instead of inviting her to intrude in your life, I'd be keeping my distance from her.

user1486131602 · 22/03/2019 09:53

I believe she has 'uninvited' herself!
Move on with your lives and let her do the same, elsewhere!

Purplecatshopaholic · 22/03/2019 09:56

Another vote for 'dont have her anywhere near you ever again'! However she is your DP's problem, not yours, let him sort it out!

sue51 · 22/03/2019 09:58

Keep her away from you, your home and your children. She sounds either unhinged or deliberately malicious.

PanamaPattie · 22/03/2019 10:00

Don't invite her. Simple.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 22/03/2019 10:00

Whatever you do, don't ever ever ever bring her to the Sistine Chapel.

I'd also go with @CalmDownJanet and then tell the others that you've sent her on a never ending cruise so she can't ever be contacted again.

thecatsthecats · 22/03/2019 10:01

Respect your DH's wishes. It's tough having nutty relatives, and it's important to allow people to find their own normal with these people rather than abiding by cultural conventions.

I'm lucky that my MIL was absolutely fab with understanding that my sister is NC with my parents and all the batshittery that entails.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 22/03/2019 10:02

@Contraceptionismyfriend -
Why don't you both put your big girl pants on and shit her down?

A smidge extreme, no???

Contraceptionismyfriend · 22/03/2019 10:03

@WhatchaMaCalllit I am genuinely staring at it trying to think how the hell my auto correct made that decision. Usually it's extremely PC and I spend my life telling people to Duck Off.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 22/03/2019 10:05

You're in a fortunate position here OP. I say fortunate, because at least you have your DH onside. It took the best part of two decades for mine to come out of the FOG and see what others who haven't been brought up in the same environment see.

Your DH knows her best: take your lead from him, support him, and trust that he is likely dealing with his mother in a way that's best for all concerned. Inviting people such as these into your lives is inviting nothing but trouble.

You'll be sorry you did it, if you do. And I speak with the hindsight of bitter experience.

OneDayillSleep · 22/03/2019 10:07

Can I add an option “D” you just don’t invite this deranged woman around and keep her away from your house, forever? Seriously she makes my mil sound sane (she’s not). Just don’t engage with her, you’ll be much happier for it.

Bookworm4 · 22/03/2019 10:29

@whatchmacallit
I nearly spat my tea out at your Sistine Chapel remark, was that thread deleted? 😂☕️