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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my best friend to make more effort with my LG

64 replies

popsadaisy · 21/03/2019 12:21

Background: I have been best friends with her since we were 7 years old and we have both been through a lot together. We speak almost daily via text message, live in the same town (about 5 mins from each other) and see each other most weeks at a gym class we go to.
My LG is 11 months old and she has met her probably a handful of times. My LG has no idea who she is and this upsets me considering we are so close. She will ask me occasionally how she is doing but other than that it's like she doesn't exist (she doesn't have children of her own yet). It is unreasonable of me to expect her to make a bit more of an effort to get to know her?

OP posts:
Contraceptionismyfriend · 21/03/2019 12:25

YABU. She wants to be friends with you. An interesting adult who she shares common ground with. Not an infant who she shares nothing with and would possibly annoy or cause an inconvenience.

I'm pregnant with my third. My friends did the obligatory first meeting at birth and I don't think they've seen them since.
Brilliant. Our time together is grown up time. I also have next to no interest in my other friends children. I'll ask if they are well but other than that I want to discuss cocktails.

MolyHolyGuacamole · 21/03/2019 12:26

YABU.

doIreallyneedto · 21/03/2019 12:28

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. She asks how she is doing so doesn't ignore the fact she exists.

Some people just aren't into children, particularly if they don't have kids themselves. And, lets face it, babies are pretty boring if you're not related. She might become a bit more interested as she gets a bit older but she's your friend, not your child's friend, so you need to decide if you want to let this ruin your friendship.

BeanBag7 · 21/03/2019 12:30

YABU, it can feel hurtful but some people just aren't that interested in kids or don't know what to ask. Before I had kids I wouldn't know what to ask beyond "how are they?". I wouldn't know whether an 11 month old would be crawling/walking/talking or not and wouldn't want to look stupid by asking the wrong thing.

SandyY2K · 21/03/2019 12:30

Your DD doesn't need to know who she is. Maybe as she gets older this will change, but not everyone is into babies like that.

Jebuschristchocolatebar · 21/03/2019 12:30

Other people’s babies are of zero interest to most adults. I would rarely mention kids when I am talking to my best friend who also has kids. That’s how our friendship is so good in my opinion. Don’t become that person who is so obsessed with their precious child that it consumes their lives. You will be 40 and wonder where all your friends went

tippyteapot · 21/03/2019 12:30

Shes YOUR friend, not dds! To you your baby is your world. To your friend no matter how close.....she is just a baby. As she gets a bit more interesting as she grows your friend may take an interest, but why should she?

Newyearnewme2019 · 21/03/2019 12:31

Im with Contracept on this, i love my friends but have no interrest in their children.

I will listen and advise if they want to discuss them but i don't want to talk about them or their husbands or my children and husband when i'm with them. i want to have a laugh and a giggle and forget about home life a little while

And i don't except anyone to want to know what my kids have been upto or what mark they have got in a test unless its GP or Dad (or Aunties/Uncles at a push!)

ijustdontunderstandher · 21/03/2019 12:32

YABU, it sounds horrible but to other people your kids really aren’t that interesting. My best friend from nursery has never met any of my kids, and my eldest is 6!. She doesn’t have her own DC so wouldn’t know what to ask about them. It may all change when she has her own DC, but she’s probablt just not that interested in children

DolorestheNewt · 21/03/2019 12:32

Yes, that is an entirely unreasonable expectation.

Lifeover · 21/03/2019 12:32

Oh for heavens sake! Your child might be the centre of your universe but in the nicest possible way is of little consequence to anyone outside immediate family.

Your friend hasn’t ignored your child she’s asked.

This is normal behaviour tbh. Even if it wasn’t there would be numerous other reasons she doesn’t fawn over your child. I suspect she doesn’t have to ask a thing about your DD as you probably fill her in regardless.

WonderTweek · 21/03/2019 12:32

I think especially if your friend doesn't have kids she's probably just not too interested in them and wants to maintain what you had pre-kids. Before I had my son I never felt like I had to spend time with my friends' kids as I wanted to spend time with my friends. Smile They were happy with the arrangement too and seemed pleased to just have a bit of time away from the kids. Now that I have my son I'm really not bothered if my friends want to bond with him or not. Some mates from my mummy groups know him as our kids play together, but I can't see my child free friends wanting to hang out with my son more than they have to. Grin It's just different interests I suppose.

DoneLikeAKipper · 21/03/2019 12:32

With all due respect, I think you’re unreasonable. I’m not sure how you expect your friend to ‘get to know’ your baby, bar occasional visits and asking after her (which she already does). Other people’s babies are not always interesting to others, especially if they are child-free themselves. You’ll have mum-friends in times to come, appreciate this relationship for what it is. Do you think she’s interested in children at all? I wasn’t pre-kids, and even now I can just about hold a conversation about other people’s kids without dropping off to sleep.

Demaindeslaube · 21/03/2019 12:34

She's only 11 months, after a couple of weeks she'd forget again who your best friend is. Unless you want her with you everyday ?

Feb2018mumma · 21/03/2019 12:34

I have friends who love my baby and friends who want to see me without him! It's just life, can't expect everyone to love your child and spend time with it unfortunately!

NoooorthonerMum · 21/03/2019 12:36

Sometimes put close friends become like aunt's or uncles to your kids and it's lovely but that can't be expected of them as standard.

I would hope that she would take an interest in your DD (come visit when she was born and ask after her occasionally) as you would about anything that was important to her.

Stawp · 21/03/2019 12:37

My 11 month old barely remembers her own family she sees about once a month. Your friend is Your friend not your daughter's. If she doesn't feel anything towards her that's not abnormal. At least she isn't faking it. YABU.

Hollowvictory · 21/03/2019 12:37

Yabu. It's nice to have your own grown up friends not everything can be about babies

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 21/03/2019 12:40

I agree with the other posters on here - she is your friend, not your child's friend, and other people's children aren't going to be the centre of her universe.

And I also think it is good for you to have friends who are outside your Mum world - because you are still a person in your own right, as well as being a mum, and whilst your daughter will, of course, take up a lot of your time and attention, it is good for you to focus on yourself too, and not be completely consumed by being a mum.

Alsohuman · 21/03/2019 12:46

While I absolutely loved mine, other people’s kids are a source of supreme indifference to me. If I were you, OP, I’d enjoy the adult relationship that cherishes you as a person where your motherhood is irrelevant, God knows it defines you in most areas of your life.

Magenta82 · 21/03/2019 12:46

Other people's kids are interesting when they are newborns and you can have a lovely cuddle, after that they are dull until they talk and you can do things with them.

chillpizza · 21/03/2019 12:48

I only see my nephew on special occasions (birthdays/family celebrations and gatherings) we live 10 minutes away and I don’t ask about him either his around a year younger than my Youngest.

Nobody else cares about your child as much as you think they should. Parents and grandparents sure but passed that it’s just another baby/toddler/child.

amusedbush · 21/03/2019 12:56

I have absolutely no interest in other people's kids. I don't have or want my own either. I want to be friends with my friend, not their child.

I don't find them charming when they scream and drool and touch my things with sticky hands. Sorry Grin

PutyourtoponTrevor · 21/03/2019 12:57

Yeah, I only see my best friend without her kids. I'm not a fan of kids, I don't know how to interact with them, talk to them, play with them so the deal is we meet without them. I get them birthday cards and presents but in all honesty, I have no interest in them

Original poster
popsadaisy · 21/03/2019 12:57

@Lifeover the opposite actually I don't mention my child unless asked. I don't want to bore people.

OP posts:
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