Nightmare neighbours! Intrusive, aren't they?

[leaveyou]

This is the second time now I've been questioned "Is everything okay?" with a concerned face to boot!

And I've only moved in recently.

It's about DS, he has absolutely turned a switch. He became 15 months old and suddenly my sweet, innocent boy went. He is now a very loud screechy thing. Lots and lots of tantrums. It sounds like I'm murdering him at times. The reality is I'm trying to put his clothes on, or more annoyingly for him, his nappy.

From birth, he has always been one of those babies who's cry sounds heartbreaking and severe. All cries sound very dramatic, like he's seriously hurt. Family always find it quite funny. You can never tell if he's actually hurt himself because all cries are equally dramatic as the next 

I love being his mum but these toddler times are testing me, and I'm sure the worst is yet to doom upon me.

However, it's really difficult when I now know very well that next door thing I'm bloody abusing him or just not coping.

I was first asked by next door and his partner "Is everything okay?" A little whilst ago. And now, I've just been asked again. He knocked on my door to ask!

I answered and he said something like "Is everything alright? I've heard a lot of crying".

I explained DS had to get out of the bath and wasn't impressed. Therefore, he puts on a show of absolute hysterics.

The response I got was "Okay, please let me know if there's anything I can do, or anything you need". And off he went.

AIBU to say it's a bit intrusive? It's really stressing me out. DS must have two personalities because he's quiet, smiley, kind and a shared in public and with friends/family.

I think they sound like perfectly reasonable neighbours.

Ive been on both ends of this

Someone reported my screaming child to social services and didn’t bother asking me anything, and I know they only did it as petty anger over parking areas in a cul de sac! My HV knew us very well and reassured SS all was ok - I have a very noisy DD. Shes 16 now and still very loud and prone to a tantrum. If someone asked me if I was ok I would appreciate it

But this clouded my judgement when I lived above a woman with 2DC. I was really worried at times about the types of noise I would hear - also her going to town on 2 little kids by shouting, the various men living there and I never approached her or did anything because I was too afraid to. I knew how it felt on my end and I didn’t want to be wrong or malicious.

It did turn out eventually that the child disclosed something at school and SS and police were involved on a serious level. (I know this sadly as very small place and it became gossip ]) but I think I probably should have said something to someone a lot sooner - I could have helped that child. Mum might have lied to me but my instinct wasn’t wrong. I just didn’t act

They were probably having a nice quiet life until you moved in, and now they are hearing hysterical screaming all the time.
They are gently giving you warning that they are being disturbed at all hours and you are calling them the nightmare?
I think you need be a bit kinder and thoughtful

Sounds like nice neighbours looking out for you and your child. Some neighbours would have gone straight to the council with a noise complaint.
I know somebody that complained to their landlords about a neighbour putting on a machine every night and the noise irritated her. Turned out the kid was on a ventilator. Now that to me is a nightmare neighbour.

I think the neighbours are being good neighbours. Your toddler might be fine, but
A) you might really need help. And it’s good that the asked.
B) it might have been a kid who wasn’t in a good situation.

I know it’s annoying, because it’s stressful and then having people look on. I know I have a SN child who sounds like he’s being murdered! For the smallest thing like brushing teeth. In fact, why haven’t the neighbours been around?!

Grin and bear it.

Also, on the topic I have a friend with a teenager SN child who has had the police called out on her several times by neighbours. Because of sounds that her son makes. And she doesn’t mind at all, as she’d rather the neighbours be vigilant than not. I think that’s a good attitude, the police know her now and even though there’s been no risk they have never told off said neighbours as they would rather err on safety.

She has a similar Drama Queen to me, although hers is now 4. She shouts "Mummy you're hurting me" if her mum says no to something like giving her a chocolate.

DD1 can still do this now and she's 7 - she had all the staff in school deeply concerned about her screeching "STOP IT MUMMY DON'T HURT ME!" the other day.

I was removing a sticky plaster.

Thankfully the staff all came to investigate (as they should do), and immediately burst into fits of laughter when they realised what the dramatics were for... and I think a large "DO NOT USE PLASTERS ON THIS CHILD COS YOU'LL NEVER GET THEM OFF" note has gone on her school records as a result.

My nightmare neighbours called SS within six days of us moving in with ASD DS (he wasn't diagnosed then). Then she came round four months later and ranted on my doorstep about me "beating my child". Apparently because he was saying no mummy no (I was saying I was going to phone his grandma and tell her he had bad behaviour). Now THAT's a nightmare neighbour.

I have also had a previous neighbour put a note through my door saying is everything ok and I invited her round for a coffee. She was nice. I think your neighbour is being nice.

Agree with other they just sound like they are offering a helping hand should you ever need it but I too would hate it if my neighbours knocked on my door asking if everything was okay. I'd just say 'yes, fine' then shut the door mumbling under my breath about the nosey cunts next door and then moan about it to DP.

I've had my DS scream the house down some mornings when he doesn't want to get dressed and we usually leave the house at the same time as next door neighbour, the most he's ever said in regards to the screaming crying is 'wrong side of the bed?' followed by a small laugh which actually made me feel better because I was seething inside about the dramas that had happened so for it to be made as a joke made me remember DS tantrum was not the end of the world! Usually though he just gives me a 'been there, got the tshirt' look because he's got 4 kids, youngest only a couple years older than DS which I also appreciate because, well, at least he's not moaning about the noise!

I've got to be honest and say that I'd be a bit annoyed and 🙄 if my neighbour asked more than once if everything was ok after hearing my toddlers tantrum.

The first time I wouldn't think anything of it and would've explained "oh god you'd think I was murdering him every time I'm washing his hair or changing him wouldn't you? He's such a drama queen. Sorry about the noise, I do try and distract him"

If they came round again after my explanation and apology I'd start to get quite pissed off I think. Like what are they going to do to help you? Take over bath time? Change all his nappies? Be his nanny?

If I heard out of character screaming from next door I’d be tempted to go round.

If it helps, DS threw himself into a foetal position on the floor and sobbed like his heart was breaking yesterday. He'd managed to get hold of the TV remote and turned on Jeremy Kyle before being told "no Jeremy Kyle".

No one coming to the door in concern would ever believe that story, he's only just turned one

They are asking you to get your baby to be quiet, nothing else. If you are struggling I'd buy those sound proofing boards and put them up, they don't cost much.

One of my neighbors reported me to the police one. We had been on holiday and DS was out of his routine. When we got back he screamed blue murder half the night.

The next day a police officer called round and said they had reports of a child crying through the night. I explained why and he asked where DS was. He was fast asleep in bed having been up half the night! I showed the police officer sleeping DS and that was the end of that. I was glad that someone was concerned for my son. We should all be more concerned for the children around us and maybe there would be more intervention when it is needed.

I would find that quite annoying.

They are asking you to get your baby to be quiet, nothing else. If you are struggling I'd buy those sound proofing boards and put them up, they don't cost much.

Wouldn't that impact the look of my decor etc? Or do they go beneath flooring?

DD1 can still do this now and she's 7 - she had all the staff in school deeply concerned about her screeching "STOP IT MUMMY DON'T HURT ME!" the other day.

I was removing a sticky plaster.

We’ve had this. See also brushing hair!

And one where we needed to use a steri needle on her. This girl has Botox injections in her legs every 6 months but a tiny needle to gently remove the stuff from a sore, nope. It was nowhere near her and she was screaming.

Hint: for plasters there is stuff you get which removes the sticky stuff. It is marvellous!

Thanks all for the replies

On reflection, I'm happy to leave it at them just being kind etc.

But if it carries on, it will piss me off. Because what on earth am I suppose to do? I shouldn't have to answer to someone every time DS has a hissy fit

I would guess your neighbours are just having trouble coping with the sound intrusion from your house. What you described would drive me up the wall if I was your neighbour.

If you think they're intrusive, OP, you'll have a small idea of how they're feeling!

I know there's no easy solution, but I'd be going bonkers if I were them. There's no blame on either side; just a set of difficult circumstances.

"But if it carries on, it will piss me off. Because what on earth am I suppose to do?"

Put in some soundproofing?

Meh. I'd probably find that a bit annoying. Next time just do a big smile and say "yes fine, just the usual fun and games of parenthood" and if they offer to help say "sure, roll your sleeves up and give me the night off maybe?!".....that should send them running!

It’s 22 years ago but I still fondly remember the neighbour who knocked on the door when 10 weeks old dd and me were both in hysterics. She ignored the fact I answered the door covered in two lots of snot with red eyes and just said ‘would you like to come over now for a cup of tea, I’ve just made a cake?’ She fed me tea and cake and dangled dd over her shoulder for an hour while I had the first hot drink I’d had for about 2 months. We’ve never become great friends, but we’ve always been cordial neighbours, and I’ve often thought it was so kind and thoughtful of her to take the risk.

Well if they ask you if you need any help, cheerfully answer ‘yes please’ and take them inside. An innocent ‘if you know what to do to make him not screech I would be very grateful. Ever so kind of you to help’ and then get on with your housework.

Nightmare neighbours scream in your face that they are going to drive you out of your house. Nightmare neighbours make false allegations to the police, social services and RSPCA. Nightmare neighbours send your husband an anonymous ( but handwritten) letter saying you are having an affair. Nightmare neighbours make false allegations about you to an organisation you volunteer for. They come into your garden when you are at work and move things round just so you know they can. And they do all this because you asked them not to feed your cat and leave it locked in their house when they go away.