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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU stay in one morning to see what happens?

61 replies

LoopyLou1981 · 21/03/2019 06:42

I got a promotion a few months ago. This meant increasing my hours but I go in really early so I get to leave a bit early to pick the kids up from nursery.
This means that I’ve left the house before the kids are awake and dh gets them up and dressed and in to nursery.
The thing is, he never hears them if they wake in the night (I believe he’s not trying it on, he’s snoring while I wander around in the early hours putting them back in bed) and, at weekends, he doesn’t wake up when they do in the morning.
He swears that they come into our bedroom in the morning and he wakes up at whatever time and starts getting ready. The problem is, I don’t believe him! Our eldest doesn’t come out of his room in the morning (he sits in bed and calls that he’s awake) and our youngest doesn’t either (she tends to walk into the landing and sit there singing 🙄).
They both get upset (they’re still only toddlers) if there’s no response after a couple of minutes and it breaks my heart to think that they’re waiting however long for him to clock that they’re awake.
WIBU to stay behind and go in late one morning without telling him to see what happens in the morning?
(I suspect that I am but I’m feeling like a crap mum for not being there in the mornings as it is and I want to know that they’re ok)

OP posts:
Gizlotsmum · 21/03/2019 06:45

Why don't you believe him? Are the children old enough to get out of bed if they wanted too? Maybe they know that it's dad so they go and get him rather than wait for you to come?

Original poster
LoopyLou1981 · 21/03/2019 06:47

They’re 2 and 3.5.
I don’t believe him because he’s so rubbish during the night and at weekends. I just can’t see how this amazing change has occurred!
Plus our eldest has started getting upset and saying he wants me to be there in the mornings but he’s not old enough to explain why.x

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 21/03/2019 06:49

Children often behave differently with different parents.

They don't come in to you because they know you will come in to them. They go in to him because they know he won't go in to them.

By all means go in late to put your mind at rest but

  • you need to think up a good lie as to why you are doing this, ie you woke up ill and need the Doctors, because if your DH realises you are testing him it won't go well.
  • be prepared for the DC to sense you are there and behave like they always do for you, which means your test would be invalid anyway
FoofFighter · 21/03/2019 06:49

Would the nursery not say if they were regularly late? Or check the sign in register as it should have a time?

DillyDilly · 21/03/2019 06:50

Why don’t you just leave your bedroom door open in the mornings and tell your kids to go straight into their Dad when they wake up. If your DD can get as far as the landing, surely she could go a few steps further.

GarthFunkel · 21/03/2019 06:52

Alternatively he doesn't get up when you're around because he knows you will do it.

Original poster
LoopyLou1981 · 21/03/2019 06:54

Oh they’re not late for nursery. The kids tend to be up around 6ish at the moment and nursery isn’t until 7.30. Even dh couldn’t ignore them that long!
I just think that’s it’s likely that there’s possibly a 15-30 minute gap when they’re awake and on there own which I’m not keen on.x

OP posts:
Whoopsies · 21/03/2019 06:57

Yeah, he always hears them, but when you're not there he doesn't get up. So on the weekday mornings I bet he gets up no problem because he has to!!

Original poster
LoopyLou1981 · 21/03/2019 06:59

Ha! Now I think I’d be just as pissed off if I find out he does get up!! 😂

OP posts:
WFTisgoingoninmyhead · 21/03/2019 07:03

It is different as there is no back up there. When you are there, he doesn’t have to bother, don’t check up on him, he won’t appreciate it😛

KMoKMo · 21/03/2019 07:04

Set an alarm so he’s up at 6 every day Hmm

Danni91 · 21/03/2019 07:05

I think it is just an awareness, my OH will snore and sleep through all night feeds unless he is doing them (usually once a week) and he wakes up to him!
He's sleeping because he knows you are there and he doesn't have too and hes waking up when he knows he has too!
It's weird i dont get it and there is probably a bit of fibbing going on from them about not hearing sometimes but im sure your children are absolutely fine :)

PregnantSea · 21/03/2019 07:07

This is a bad idea. If you're at the point where you want to set a secret trap for your husband to test whether or not he's telling you the truth then I think the time might be better spent with the two of you sitting down talking honestly about your marriage and parenting responsibilities. This isn't normal.

KateMadikane · 21/03/2019 07:07

I think a 15 minute gap is fine unless they are sat there emptying the contents of their nappies. As Pp say he doesn’t HAVE to get up on the other days so he doesn’t need to har them (consciously or subconsciously).
Well done on your promotion!

Everydayimhuffling · 21/03/2019 07:08

It's hard to see how it's going to help anyone if you do discover he isn't waking up. You can't be there because of work, he won't be able to change anything if he isn't waking up, and you would be interrupting any process of your kids learning that they have to come in now to wake daddy up. You could also hugely undermine him in his new job of getting them up and make him feel you don't trust him even if he is doing everything. Is it really worth all that?

adaline · 21/03/2019 07:09

Of course he hears them the rest of the time - he just knows you're there to deal with it!

anniehm · 21/03/2019 07:10

They are old enough to get out of bed and make themselves heard, don't worry. Your elder has started the classic playing mum against dad tactic because it sounds like you are the soft touch in his mind. Unless they are ill there's no reason why they should be wandering at night and if they use the bathroom they can put themselves back to bed - I learnt the hard way as I did get up to mine but I wasn't working, it makes a difference

Original poster
LoopyLou1981 · 21/03/2019 07:14

Thank you for bringing back down. I’ll just have to learn to trust him.
I think mum guilt is playing a big part in this. I feel like I should be there for them (whilst completely forgetting that the promotion means that they get a fun holiday this year that they’ll love 🙄)
Thanks all 🥰

OP posts:
Creamwhite · 21/03/2019 07:14

I think you are projecting some feelings you have onto this issue.

There's nothing wrong with you not being there in the morning. You are working hard to support your family, you should be proud of that - not guilty. You leave early so you can pick them up from nursery -that's great you get to do that for them. You're a great mum. Their other parent looking after them in the morning is totally fine and great. You are both setting a good example to them about shared responsibility and equal gender roles.

I think your kids are absolutely fine and if you get rid of the guilt you will see that. X

Xenia · 21/03/2019 07:17

Just leave him to it. If you leave the bedroom door o;pen and they go into the landing anyway they can go a few more steps into his room (or perhaps they might even stay in bed until it is time to get up which is not exactly bad parenting surely?

Well done for returning to work. I have always worked full time even with babies and toddlers and it has benefited the family including the children so very much in our case.

brizzlemint · 21/03/2019 07:22

Set an alarm so he’s up at 6 every day

and superglue it to somewhere he can't reach it from the bed Grin
OP I'm sure it's fine.

Stormyday · 21/03/2019 07:32

If they get to nursery on time washed and dressed I think you have to assume that whatever he is doing is fine, even if it’s not the way you do it.

pootyisabadcat · 21/03/2019 07:35

I'm with Xenia, leave him to it.

zingally · 21/03/2019 07:36

As long as they're not late for nursery, I don't particularly see the problem. It absolutely won't do them any harm at all to have 20 minutes with their own thoughts if dad isn't awake. And it's not like they're screaming in cots for someone to get them. If they are able to get to the landing, if they were particularly upset, they'd get themselves into the room with dad.

I get the sense there is something else at play here... Some worry/guilt that it's not YOU doing the morning routine? Let it go.

EngagedAgain · 21/03/2019 07:38

I don't see why not, as you're concerned about it. I don't know how you can do it though without any of them knowing, so you get a true picture of what's happening. Presume you could quietly stay downstairs? Don't tell your dh unless it turns out you have genuine concerns afterwards. Also as a PP said children will react/adapt differently to someone else's way of doing things.