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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU stay in one morning to see what happens?

61 replies

LoopyLou1981 · 21/03/2019 06:42

I got a promotion a few months ago. This meant increasing my hours but I go in really early so I get to leave a bit early to pick the kids up from nursery.
This means that I’ve left the house before the kids are awake and dh gets them up and dressed and in to nursery.
The thing is, he never hears them if they wake in the night (I believe he’s not trying it on, he’s snoring while I wander around in the early hours putting them back in bed) and, at weekends, he doesn’t wake up when they do in the morning.
He swears that they come into our bedroom in the morning and he wakes up at whatever time and starts getting ready. The problem is, I don’t believe him! Our eldest doesn’t come out of his room in the morning (he sits in bed and calls that he’s awake) and our youngest doesn’t either (she tends to walk into the landing and sit there singing 🙄).
They both get upset (they’re still only toddlers) if there’s no response after a couple of minutes and it breaks my heart to think that they’re waiting however long for him to clock that they’re awake.
WIBU to stay behind and go in late one morning without telling him to see what happens in the morning?
(I suspect that I am but I’m feeling like a crap mum for not being there in the mornings as it is and I want to know that they’re ok)

OP posts:

TheInvestigator · 21/03/2019 07:41

Phone the house at 6.10 one day and say "I think I left the straighners/stove/something else hot on. Will you check?"

If he says you woke him up then you'll know he didn't get up with the kids.

Or yes, just stay one morning but then you won't see because you'll run upstairs as soon as you hear them. I agree they shouldn't be left to their own devices at that age so he better be getting up.

Mummymummymummmeeeee · 21/03/2019 07:51

I get up with DS2 in the night who still breast feeds and DH gets up with DS1 who sometimes wakes up needing a wee or having a nightmare etc. We subconsciously filter out the child that we aren't responsible for - I genuinely don't wake up usually if DS1 shouts and DH sleeps through when I get up with DS1. It's amazing what you can sleep through when your subconscious knows it can ignore it! Both DS1 and DS2 also behave differently for both of us for some things because we do things differently. DS1 aged 3.5 also gets upset sometimes if I go to him in the night instead if DH if I'm up anyway with DS2 just because it's normally DH that's there in the night for him, even though there's nothing wrong apart from it not being the same parent as usual. I'm sure everything will be okay when you're not there in the morning. Maybe when everyone is settled into the change you could tell your DH you want a lie in one day at the weekend and tell your children DH will get them up in the morning and you can see that way how it all goes to really put your mind at rest

Eattothebeat · 21/03/2019 07:53

Leave your bedroom door open and some very noisy toys on the landing.

PigWhisperer · 21/03/2019 07:58

Next weekend, don't respond to them when they wake up in the morning. See what happens. I bet they just wander into your room! Then you will know.

MRex · 21/03/2019 08:06

It's actually good for toddlers to learn to play by themselves for a bit, are you worried that they'd get into mischief or does something else concern you? Mine is much younger and we often send him across the bedroom to the toy area when he wakes up, then we just tune out the drums, vtech toy noises etc and go back to sleep until he starts crowing that he's doing something he's not supposed to. They'll shout when they need him and probably just play for a bit. Ideally a nappy change and drink would be nice of course, but it's a short enough time.

MadAboutWands · 21/03/2019 08:14

Honestly? He doesn’t hear them at night ecause it’s not his problem so he switches off.
In the am, when he KNOWS you aren’t there and therefore he has to step up, suddenly yay, he can hear them and gets up.
I suspect he has his alarm on too which means he isn’t late with nursery etc...

And yes I wouod be very passed off with him here hearing the kids waking up at night but sudden,y being able to hear them when you are not here. It sytsaya everything you need to know about how he isees his role and yours. And his lack of team playing. Basically yu have let him get away with murder and he has proven it to you.

No need to stay over to check thatkne either btw.

But what are you going to do about the night waking and him ‘not hearing them’??

Floralhousecoat · 21/03/2019 08:15

Op fathers often have a different, more relaxed approach to looking after the kids and it is actually good for dc. Leave them all to it. As long as dc are not hurting themselves, its fine for them to play by themselves for a bit. That in itself is an important skill.

Atkinson1910 · 21/03/2019 08:15

I wouldn't check up on him as this could cause many problems. You will have to trust him. I am sure the kids are OK and well looked after. Remember Men are from another planet and we have to still love them the same way. Checking up might put your own job in jeopardy and you could be told to do the job yourself. Take care.

Dillydallyalltheway · 21/03/2019 08:24

I think it’s because you feel guilty, and you mustn’t. I’m sure hubby is doing fine with them in the mornings. I imagine that he’s very much more alert than what he is when you are at home. As long as they are safe, and not screaming because they are upset then try not to worry, it will do them good to to learn to be a bit patient.

woodcutbirds · 21/03/2019 08:26

YABU. Don;t micro-manage his parenting. It may be different from yours. It may not be what you want him to do, but it's how he does it. Have there been complaints that the children aren;t turning up or are turning up unwashed, undressed, dirty and hungry? If not, leave him to it and enjoy being in charge at weekends.

CherryPavlova · 21/03/2019 08:31

Hes probably being the more effective parent and teaching them to wait as the whole world doesn’t revolve around them. He’s teaching them independence and resilience.
Far from catching him out you might want to consider whether there is anything you can learn from him.

Shoxfordian · 21/03/2019 08:33

Don't borrow problems for yourself
They're not late to nursery. They're fine. Enjoy your promotion

NutElla5x · 21/03/2019 08:35

Can't you just tell your little ones to go and jump on daddy as soon as they wake up in the morning? I thought all toddlers jumped on/in their parents bed in the morning anyway or was that just mine?

Stompythedinosaur · 21/03/2019 08:41

Alternatively he doesn't get up when you're around because he knows you will do it.

This is what I think is happening.

HennyPennyHorror · 21/03/2019 08:58

Well if they're on time for nursery, what does it matter if they wake up a bit before he does?

It shouldn't "break your heart" to think that your toddlers aren't being tended to immediately upon waking!

Mine certainly weren't! I got up around 6 daily with mine. Anyone awake before then had to bloody wait!

HennyPennyHorror · 21/03/2019 08:59

Hes probably being the more effective parent and teaching them to wait as the whole world doesn’t revolve around them. He’s teaching them independence and resilience.

This. 100%

Badwifey · 21/03/2019 08:59

15 mins is fine at that age. Surely their rooms are safe. I get where you are coming from though. My DH never heard our dd waking at night. When it was his turn to get up to her I would literally have to push him out of the bed. My dd is almost 5 now and rarely comes out of the room herself

NeverTwerkNaked · 21/03/2019 09:02

I would bet good money he does wake up when you are there, he just doesn’t react because he knows you will deal with it

Nanna50 · 21/03/2019 09:05

I understand, as I have a DH who sleeps like the dead and this was the case as a father and grandfather. The DC/GC soon learned that I am the person who is up first and therefore always (all of them) come to my side of the bed first.

Hes not ignoring them, there are many examples over the years when he has slept through bigger disruption than a toddler or two.

They all let dad / granddad have a lie in even if it meant playing or reading or snuggling in to him for a bit wtf? Honestly they pick up on stuff so quickly. He has always set an alarm to wake him when he needs to be up with them. Why does your OH not do this?

I also think you can let your imagination run wild with worst case scenario. I don't think you should undermine him by setting a trap, its possible that he might not know your there but the DC's will sense it and blow your cover .

TwoShades1 · 21/03/2019 09:09

He doesn’t hear them when your there because he doesn’t need to, your there! I sleep much more lightly if I’m alone with my step kids over night as I know that I need to wake up if they need me. When DP is here they always go to him so I don’t need to be so alert.

Notgoodatchoosingnames · 21/03/2019 09:27

My DH NEVER gets up in the night. Never hears DS if he shouts out and as a baby slept through every feed unless I specifically woke him. BUT, when I am away for the night he does. I think as he knows I always do it when I am there he switches off whereas when I am not he tunes in.
Mum guilt is a curse x

Butterfly84 · 21/03/2019 09:27

You could wake him before you leave to make sure he's up.

But don't your DC go in and wake him up?

I agree that you're projecting you're feelings onto the situation. You feel guilty that you're not there for them in the mornings and you're over-worrying.

Butterfly84 · 21/03/2019 09:29

If he is a heavy sleeper, he's a heavy sleeper. Not much will change that. Some of us are. I am.

What about baby monitors next to his bed as well?

AbriaFern · 21/03/2019 09:34

Why don’t you tell him how horrible you feel every morning leaving them and that you want to buy a £30 camera off amazon so you can watch them sleep in and get ready for nursery on your commute and alleviate your own guilt.

You will be able to listen to what’s going on, etc. And if they’re sat in bed screaming for daddy who doesn’t wake up...you can mention to him... hey, did you realise you’re sleeping through them screaming?

He might say yes I do. I’m doing it because....

Cornettoninja · 21/03/2019 09:36

On balance I think YABU.

I completely understand why you feel the need to investigate it and absolutely understand the guilt that comes from a statement like that from your dc, BUT exactly what is it going to achieve? Are you going to have a productive conversation with your dh where he’ll change or you’ll become accepting of how he does things or is it more likely to come off as nagging and micromanaging. Are you going to change your working pattern to take on the mornings yourself (DO NOT do this).

Ultimately he’s getting them out of the house and to nursery on time. It isn’t the way you’d do it but it’s getting done. If the greatest injury is some bruised toddler feelings then hard as it is, that’s acceptable.

It’s normal for kids to have a preference for one parent in the best of scenarios, it doesn’t necessarily mean the rejected parent has done anything wrong. That alone shouldn’t trigger super sleuthing.

This is one of those things where you need to back off imho. (And start kicking dh out of bed for some of the night wakings)

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