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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu, or is calling someone gorgeous not a big thing

24 replies

Goodbuycat · 20/03/2019 22:10

Overthinking, I know, but, I bumped into a guy I sort of know through work, at a function on sat evening. We have met previously but only ever had a brief chat.
Spoke for a little while, and as we parted, he kissed me on the cheek and said, “I have to say it, you look gorgeous tonight.
My colleague saw this, and half pissed, questioned me about it, whereupon, she declared that the compliment was a bit more than the norm, and that he was declaring his interest. He has worked with my Dp as well, and as far as I’m aware, has a partner too.
As a fairly level headed person usually, I now find myself over thinking this, and getting a bit nervous about seeing him in the future.
Please someone tell me that I’m right, and that it was a standard compliment for him to give, and not a declaration of anything else!

OP posts:

Stargazer888 · 20/03/2019 22:13

Well I don't think I'd like it if my dh said it to another woman and I'm not someone who is that prone to jealousy. It sounds like he was hitting on you to me. Would you be ok hearing your dp say it to another woman? I guess maybe that is your answer.

AtrociousCircumstance · 20/03/2019 22:15

It was flirtatious and definitely crossed a boundary.

He’s just a slightly drunk sleazy man coming onto you a bit, knowing he’s safe to do so because you both have partners.

Don’t stress but be aware he’s a bit of a one in future.

MsVestibule · 20/03/2019 22:16

Hard to know for definite without knowing him, but I would say that was a declaration of interest! How would you feel if you knew your DP had said that to somebody? I'd be bloody furious. It's certainly more than a standard compliment.

Original poster

Goodbuycat · 20/03/2019 22:16

That is a good point. Hadn’t thought of it like that. I wouldn’t like it at all. He doesn’t strike me as a player, but I don’t know him well enough to judge that properly. Thank you, even though it isn’t the answer I was hoping for.

OP posts:

Original poster

Goodbuycat · 20/03/2019 22:22

Sorry to drip feed, but on reading replies, I should probably have said that we were both driving, therefore, no alcohol involved. Not sure if that makes any difference though.

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cunningartificer · 20/03/2019 22:27

Hmm... my nephew has said that to me—guaranteed no sexual interest or flirting! Similarly DH’s friend. Could just be warm fondness and desire to make you feel good. I’ve said it to female friends. Is ‘gorgeous ‘ really so weighted?!

chipsandgin · 20/03/2019 22:28

Wouldn’t bother me. Happened a fair bit when I was younger & doesn’t sound disrespectful: the intention could be anything from genuinely sweet & innocent to making a play - it’s entirely down to the delivery..also ultimately down to you how you react & if they aren’t pushy I’d take it as a compliment either way.

Perfectly fine to give or receive a compliment IMO - if my DH said that to an old friend or one of my sisters I’d be ok - a random not so much - again context is everything

MsVestibule · 20/03/2019 22:28

Don't stress over or overthink over it, though. You're (presumably) happy with your DP and not interested in anything with this guy. If he says anything like this again, just raise your eyebrows in a 'really?' way and walk away.

MsVestibule · 20/03/2019 22:34

cunningartificer it's not about the word used; in the context the OP described, yes, it's very much weighted! I've said to my female friends 'God, you look GORGEOUS, that dress is amazing!' I have never leaned in to give them a kiss on the cheek and say 'I have to say it. You look gorgeous tonight'. Quite different situations, IMO.

BackforGood · 20/03/2019 22:50

I'm with Cunningartificer and chipsandgin. Nothing worng with telling someone they look gorgeous when they've clearly made an effort.

As with all these things, only you were there and can judge the tone of voice / body language / facial expression etc., but, on it's own, it could easily be someone who was paying you a compliments and generally, except on MN that makes people feel good about themselves.

geekone · 20/03/2019 22:53

I call my dog gorgeous all the time, because he is misses point entirely

LimeKiwi · 20/03/2019 22:57

Oh, for goodness sake. I'd take it as a compliment.
"Aw, thanks." Or maybe that's just me.

Chouetted · 20/03/2019 22:58

Depends really. It could be flirtatious, but could be a friendly self esteem boost.

greenlynx · 20/03/2019 23:14

It’s not a standard compliment but it might be quite a standard way of talking for him. Also it was a “safe” flirting for him as he knew about your DP.

Original poster

Goodbuycat · 20/03/2019 23:15

Thanks everyone. Really appreciate the points of view. Seeing him tomorrow so was getting a bit nervous. Will take it as a nice compliment, and leave it at that.

OP posts:

AtrociousCircumstance · 20/03/2019 23:35

It’s not just a ‘nice’ compliment in a neutral way because it sexualises your relationship.

Don’t be brow beaten away from your instincts about this, you posted about it for a reason.

AtrociousCircumstance · 20/03/2019 23:36

I mean there’s nothing to be too freaked out about, but it was inappropriate from a colleague.

It’s something a bloke on the pull would say to you if you were at the bar.

notacooldad · 20/03/2019 23:40

It's a perfectly normal phrase in my circle between people between moses and females and females to females.
No one would overthink it, indeed think anything of it tbh.

Peakypolly · 20/03/2019 23:43

Have you recently been ill/stressed or something along those lines? My DH said almost exactly those words when we bumped into an ex-colleague last week. Last time we saw her she was recovering from surgery and he (and I for that matter) were so happy to see her glowing with health. Nothing sexualised about it

YorkieGirl18 · 21/03/2019 04:17

I heard a great motto for men the other day: Never say anything to a woman you don't know well that you wouldn't be happy for a man to say to you in prison!

In this situation probably not the best thing for him to say to you and regardless has made you feel uncomfortable. Maybe just be cool unfriendly with him next time you see him and he will know that if he does have any intentions they aren't reciprocated.

MaggieAndHopey · 21/03/2019 04:28

It's all about the context, just like @MsVestibule said. If he'd said in passing that you look gorgeous- I'd say that was just a compliment. But pulling in for a kiss and then saying it in the way he did - obviously flirtatious.

BackforGood · 21/03/2019 21:01

But these days, millions of people automatically greet (and say goodbye) to people with a kiss on the cheek. It isn't sexual, it is a normal greeting (and farewell) in 2019. Not always my choice as I'm old and more used to a handshake or just words across a room but it is just the way some people greet / leave everyone.

Original poster

Goodbuycat · 21/03/2019 22:00

Ok. Have had a good think about this. I am being a bit silly. It was such a sudden change in the way he had behaved in the past, and the only time we’ve spoken just the two of us, I think it just threw me a bit. I get that people kiss as a greeting all the time, he just never has before and my friend managed to get under my skin about it. God! I feel like I’m back at school. I need to be able to contact him about work, without it being awkward, so “friendly cool” it is. Thanks to everyone for their opinions.

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Thankssomuch · 21/03/2019 22:03

Just take it as a compliment and don’t overthink it!

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