Sexual assault in school

[WeakAsIAm]

So my 15 DD has been sexually assaulted by another pupil during a lesson at school.
The incident has been reported to the school and the boy has been removed from shared lessons.

I've met with the school today; the boy will return to normal lessons in 2 weeks, my DD has been offered mediation with the boy before he returns to discuss their issues.

During the meeting I was so upset for my DD that I just wanted to get her out of there and make sure she was safe.

Now the anger has set in, AIBU to think the school should be doing more about this and not passing it off as a slight misdemeanour?

I really want an example setting of this boy, I feel he should be permanently excluded, be reported to the police and let this be an example to all other pupils this behaviour is not acceptable.

Am I over reacting, I don't feel I am but I'm so upset about it maybe I'm not thinking straight?

If I am reasonable how can I get the school to take this seriously?

[NunoGoncalves]

Maybe I'm missing something because my kids aren't secondary school age yet, but if one of them was a victim of a crime at school, I would immediately report it to the police as I would if they were a victim to a crime in any other place. Why would I not do that just because it took place at school?

[SnowyAlpsandPeaks]

Echoing what everyone has said, but overall I hope your dd is copying okay, she’s shown she is strong and knows how serious this is by reporting it.

(I’m not saying those that don’t report aren’t strong, I just couldn’t think of another way to articulate what I wanted to say, apologies if I offend anyone, that’s not my intention)

[PinkCrayon]

Your poor dd @WeakAsIAm.
It seems like the school isnt taking this seriously at all and I think either way you have no choice really if they arent capable of realising how serious it is also your recent post further stating how he is behaving sounds really worrying, hopefully ringing the police will stop him for good.

[dreichuplands]

pinkcrayon The headteacher will have the support of a LADO to help them with this safeguarding issue, they wouldn't have to do it by themselves.

Youth offending have very good programmes for young sex offenders, they can be accessed via the youth justice system.

[VelvetSpoon]

I'm astonished by the naivety of some posters...you can't see how a sexual assault can happen in a lesson? You obviously went to a very different school to me. Because in my school it was pretty commonplace and used as a form of bullying, and every teacher ignored it. With the exception of 1, who told boys in our class to lie under our chairs and look up our skirts and how to grope our bottoms (genuinely this happened...he was later outed as a paedophile who had abused his own children and left the school very abruptly). I had boys trying to touch me pretty much every day for the first 3 years of secondary school. I was young for my age, I didnt want to be touched in any way. Not to have an arm put round me, my bra strap pinged, my bum pinched or groped, or my boobs touched. It made me feel sick and dirty. But despite me saying no, pushing them away, getting upset or angry ot whatever it still happened...and teachers turned a blind eye. I wasn't the only one. We never reported it because if a teacher seeing it happen in a lesson would either ignore it , or dismiss it as boys having a laugh or being friendly, then what was the fucking point? At primary school I was never afraid of boys, they were my friends. By the end of secondary school I was actually quite frightened if men and didn't have a proper relationship until my mid 20s. Which I see now is at least in part due to all the crap I went through at school.

Report to the police. This boy needs to be stopped, and your DD needs to feel supported and that there is nothing she did, or didn't do, which caused this to happen.

[Jamiefraserskilt]

His eagerness to not let other pupils know is just ass covering. He is not sorry for grabbing her, just sorry he was caught. His fear now is that others will speak about their assaults and he will be in really bad trouble.
Give the school a day to investigate, report and produce proof they have followed their own policy. A report to the police will result in a crime number. You need that.
If they fail to produce evidence of their compliance then lea, Ofsted and governors are next after the police.
Mediation is for those with disagreements not those who have been sexually assaulted. your daughter has no "issues" to discuss with him and to use mediation is entirely inappropriate in this case.
your daughter's embarrassment and guilt stems from a natural reaction to someone's off the scale behaviour. She probably wants the whole thing to go away and not to be the main subject of discussion amongst her peers. He cannot be allowed to continue at the school whilst a threat to other pupils. His reaction to being caught and confronted is proof that he is still a risk.
When you see the Head, do insist that her pastoral support (form teacher)and parent liaison/HOY are present. You need their input as to why the policy is not being followed. His HOY will usually have the measure of him after 4 years in the school.
Your lovely daughter needs to stand up for those who have been on the other end of this but felt they could not report it. To send a clear message to makes and females in the school that this behaviour cannot, should not and will not be tolerated. No person should feel violated by another or feel FOG when facing their abuser. Remember, he chose to do this. She did not.
Sending you and your daughter strength and resolve for the right outcome.

[Gizmo79]

I am so sorry this has happened to your daughter.
For both her and the perpetrator this needs to be reported to the police. Hopefully that may stop him repeating his behaviour and will also hopefully reassure your daughter that she has done the correct thing by informing you, thereby protecting her and others in the future.x

[Dishevelled09]

Similar situation but different circumstances here. School should have a member of staff responsible for safeguarding. I'm reluctant to post on here but you can pm me.

[IAmNotAWitch]

Fuck that. Report him to the police.

If he doesn't want a record/reputation then he should not assault people. It is not on your DD to protect him.

It is really really easy to not sexually assault people. Super easy, no effort involved at all.

[CordeliaEarhart]

I'm all for the police in these situations. The school have a requirement to consider the education of the boy - fortunately the police have no such constraint. Even where they can, schools often simply refuse to take this seriously (despite updates to safeguarding requirements for them to take peer on peer abuse seriously) so I'd take it above them.

[WattdeEll]

I’m a school governor and after a recent similar story where a girl had to be in the same class as the young lad who assaulted her I asked if our policy was tight enough to protect the person who had been assaulted. It is. We’d be on to the LADO and the lad would be perm x’d pending a governor panel. We have zero tolerance for such incidences.
I’d be on to the Police if this was my child too.

[MissLadyM]

Police depending on what 'sexual assault' it was. These days it can be anything from a pat on the bum to rape

[SuchAToDo]

Op i agree with those saying report to the police,

And if anybody tries to minimise it to you/your daughter and brush it off, ask yourself and them this question

If you was in public and a stranger came up to you put his hand between your legs what would you do....

I bet amongst the reactions of being angry, upset , scared, swearing, slapping him etc they would say they would go to the police

And that's exactly what you should do, just because your daughter knows him and this happened in school doesnt make it any less serious, and don't let anyone try and say that to you,

In fact if he is prepared to do that to your daughter in front of others in class (sexually assault her)...can you imagine what he is capable of I n private...

Go to the police, he needs to know and learn stuff like this is not acceptable and actions have consequences,..otherwise if this is left to slide what's to stop him going in to rape /sexually abuse women as an adult man...

Go to police, don't allow it to drop

[Crabbyandproudofit]

I would concur that this should be treated much more seriously by the school. Reporting it to the police shows everybody - perpetrator, DD, school - that this is not acceptable and we should all speak out when it occurs.

I think, however, that DD should have a say in what action the OP takes. I'm not suggesting her mother would railroad her but it's important that she feels empowered and listened to. Also, sadly, sometimes the police don't/can't achieve the result we might hope for so be prepared for that, it doesn't mean you were wrong to report it.

[Crabbyandproudofit]

Also, I am beyond horrified by all the stories that this sort of behaviour is commonplace in so many schools! What sort of message does this send to both girls and boys? Why do teachers ignore it?

[BunsOfAnarchy]

for you and DD.
I truly hope she is coping as well as can be given these horrible circumstances.
I cannot believe that this shit still happens in schools. I am beyond disgusted at how the school have reacted. And to state they will put her in the same room as him to mediate? Are they fucking cuckoo?
This unpleasant, rancid little boy is not stupid, whether he has done this before or will do it again isn't even the point. He's already done this to your DD. He needs to understand the consequences.

Police. Police. Police.

[TalkingintheDark]

Crabby
What sort of message does this send to both girls and boys?

The message that boys are superior in status to girls. That boys matter more. That boys have more societal power than girls. That boys have the right to treat girls as if they were not actually autonomous human beings, but simply objects there for boys to use as they wish. That girls’ needs are always less important than boys’ rights to own the world, and that there’s often bugger all girls can do about it.

The same message that men have been sending to women - male people have been sending to female people - for literally thousands of years. And are still doing now.

The very fact that sexual assault and harassment of girls by boys in mixed sex schools is so commonplace and ubiquitous is one of the clearest indicators there is that feminism has still got a long, long way to go. And the fact that we hear stories of girls having to still be in the classroom with boys who have sexually assaulted or even raped them - or even that the girl is the one who gets moved into a different class, away from all her friends and regular routine, while the boy is allowed to stay in the class and have life go on as normal.

OP, I’m so sorry this happened to your DD. I agree with the others, get the police involved. Not that they’ll necessarily deal with it well (too many stories of women and girls being failed by the police/justice system) but to give the school a kick up the arse at least.

I wonder if there’s any way to get any of the other girls he’s targeted to speak up too? That would obviously build an even stronger case but I know the obstacles to that; it’s heartbreaking to read the accounts here of women being assaulted themselves in school but not saying anything out of embarrassment. Because whatever advances we have made as a society, the norm is that the shame of sexual assault is still tragically and horrifyingly carried by the victim instead of the perpetrator.

[WeepingWillowWeepingWino]

I agree with everyone else to report to the police, and do this yourself, don't let the school do it for you and don't allow them to fob you off.

You are your DD's advocate, stay strong for her OP.

[Stawp]

Contact police then a solicitor to help you navigate things.

[namechanger2019]

Hope the school or OP have called the police this morning.

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

I hope you call the police OP- absolutely disgraceful how this has been handled by the school!

[SomewhereInbetween1]

I got assaulted countless times at school as a teen, mostly by one or two individuals and then sadly by a teacher. The school NEVER stepped up and their safeguarding policy was an absolute joke. Take this is far as you can, the little prick who did this deserves everything he gets. How dare he invade your DDs body like this. I hope she feels better soon.

[Beeziekn33ze]

OP Your thinking looks straight to me!

[OKBobble]

Of course the boy wants it kept quiet because otherwise his previous victims may speak out and hopefully also because he will be ostracised by the other boys.

[WeakAsIAm]

Hi everyone, thanks for all the messages of support. It's surprising how quickly I can minimise this, but your messages make me realise it's just years of conditioning that as females we accept this. Not for my DD

DD gone to school today we've agreed a safe word that she only needs to text me once and I'm there to collect her no questions asked. Don't care what the school to say either.

I did ask at reception for the school to contact me when I dropped her off (decided to drop and pick her up this week at least so she doesn't need to travel on a bus) as I've had no response to my email yet

Think I will give them until lunch then I will message again and give them a deadline to inform police & social care before I do.

DD seems ok this morning but time will tell I suppose, let's see what today brings.