Sexual assault in school

[WeakAsIAm]

So my 15 DD has been sexually assaulted by another pupil during a lesson at school.
The incident has been reported to the school and the boy has been removed from shared lessons.

I've met with the school today; the boy will return to normal lessons in 2 weeks, my DD has been offered mediation with the boy before he returns to discuss their issues.

During the meeting I was so upset for my DD that I just wanted to get her out of there and make sure she was safe.

Now the anger has set in, AIBU to think the school should be doing more about this and not passing it off as a slight misdemeanour?

I really want an example setting of this boy, I feel he should be permanently excluded, be reported to the police and let this be an example to all other pupils this behaviour is not acceptable.

Am I over reacting, I don't feel I am but I'm so upset about it maybe I'm not thinking straight?

If I am reasonable how can I get the school to take this seriously?

[QueenOfTheTofuTree]

If he is feeling remorseful then chances are he has admitted it. So with that in mind you should definitely contact police. They have no leg to stand on if he has admitted wrong doing.

[cheesenpickles]

Def report to the police. When I was 14 I was sa by another pupil on a residential trip. I told my teachers what had happened and was told I was "mistaken" and. It to mention or discuss it again. Being young I effectively believed I was making a big deal and said nothing. Now I have two daughters and I'm still extremely angry I was made to feel like that and led to me not reporting other things later on. Please do what's best for your daughter and prevent this from happening to anybody else.

[CaptainNelson]

I agree with loads of what PPs have said and I don't think you should let this go, OP. You should also raise it directly with the board of governors, if you haven't already, because then it has to be minuted and reported on and can't be hidden from other parents or inspectors. And I say this as a parent of boys - whatever the consequences, no-one should be allowed to get away with harassment or abuse of any kind.
I'd add that I've seen a tendency in schools to focus a lot on the perpetrators of bullying/abuse and very little on the victims. The idea seems to be that if you attend to the bully, you've dealt with the problem. I think this is common in schools, perhaps because this is the way in which the problem has been presented to them, I don't know. It can be a hard fight to get the victim's side taken seriously. Good luck and I hope you DD and you come through it all

[ReanimatedSGB]

I think it does matter what the boy did (though obviously OP is under no obligation to give details.) Because, while no one is doubting that sexual assault is wrong, there are different levels of it and it would be wrong to treat all kinds of unwanted touch exactly the same. (As a PP said, theft is theft, but you don't treat the person who shoplifted food for their hungry kids the same way you treat an armed bank robber...). There's a difference between an immature kid egged on by peers to harass another student and a calculating predatory bully, for example.

If you're not happy with the school's treatment of the incident, OP, you can complain to the school governors - the website should have a) a copy of the complaint policy and b) the names of the governors. Write a letter to the chair of governors and deliver it to the school office - by law the governors must investigate the matter.

[cantkeepawayforever]

Reanimated, the additional point is that there is a written school policy that states what should have happened.

The policy has not - yet - been followed. The OP's first approach should be to demand that they follow their own policy. There is much less wriggle room in 'you should have followed your policy' than in 'I think this event meant that you should in my opinion have called the police', and governors' roles in ensuring policies are carried out are also much more clear cut than in a 'judgement call' type issue.

[IC4nSeeYourPixels]

When a boy tried to get under my skirt in high school I slapped him and told him to go to hell. In front of class/teacher (got banned for 2 days). But I stood up for myself. (and few more times after as well). Why aren't we teaching our girls to do so?

Or we teach boys to alter their behaviour and how to sexually assault someone instead of telling girls to change how they react at the time.

Some girls and women feel scared, humiliated ashamed to challenge her attacker one on one let alone in a classroom full of people. Not everyone feels able to fight back and they react in a way their instincts tell them too.

[QueenOfTheTofuTree]

We can teach our girls to fight back and stand up for themselves all we want but that doesn't mean they're going to be able to do that when placed in this sort of situation. Freezing is a very common reaction in this sort of situation.

I was sexually assaulted at work a few years ago and I physically couldn't fight back. My mind just went blank and I completely froze. And I am an adult, not a teenage girl.

I imagine if she had slapped him she would also be at risk of a counter claim of physical assault.

[Pieceofpurplesky]

If an incident happens between two pupils reparation not mediation usually happens to ensure the two can be around each other HOWEVER not in a sexual assault case

[Candleglow7475]

Definitely report to the police. Also when you meet with them again say you want their formal response to the incident in writing, outlining how they will ensure this boy does not have the opportunity to do this again and ask them to explain why haven’t followed their own policy if reporting to the police for sexual assault.

[WeakAsIAm]

Yes I totally agree it doesn't matter what happened and I'm not trying to justify how serious it was.

She was grabbed between the legs (above clothing), there had been no flirting any behaviour from DD to encourage him to do this. Not that I even feel it would anywhere near excuse him doing this.

I just think it was a total violation of her body.

[JiltedJohnsJulie]

Definitely report to the police. Also when you meet with them again say you want their formal response to the incident in writing, outlining how they will ensure this boy does not have the opportunity to do this again and ask them to explain why haven’t followed their own policy if reporting to the police for sexual assault. This and cc in the school Governors.

[Happygolucky009]

I was sexually assaulted by another child, no action was taken.

The boy taunted me, held control of me and used his previous behavior as a threat for years. It wasn't til I called him out as a rapist, that he staggered less but it took years for me to get the courage to stand up to him and I certainly could not complete mediation. You need to report to the police.

[babyno5]

OP you must must must report this to the police! Your poor DD.
If he "has form" for this he will do it again until he is stopped.
There was a case about 13 years ago when a boy violently raped a teacher (she is so traumatised she hasn't taught since) and he was sent to prison. There had been previous incidents which went unreported to the police.
Sending hugs to you and your daughter xxx

[poppycity]

This is a police matter. In my opinion the school is failing your daughter by not ensuring you know that is a valid (and in some ways "right" (understanding that's hard for victims) option and I'm surprised their safeguarding policies doesn't demand this happens).

No victim should have to sit opposite the person who did this or worry about bumping into them in the corridor. Police then involve the LEA.

[cantkeepawayforever]

I would allow the school a short additional period of time to follow their policy by reporting it to the police - so for example by 12 tomorrow - and by the end of tomorrow for safeguarding.

If you report to the police yourself without allowing the school to do so once reminded of the fact that they themselves have decided that they must, in an agreed policy, then the nub of your complaint against the school - that they did not follow their own written policy - is weakened.

Of course if they don't report by the deadline you set,. then you must, and make it clear that is because they failed to follow their own policy.

[poppycity]

Also I think happygolucky009's experience is something to learn from. In anger or to ensure no one knows about his actions, there's a likelihood he would spread rumours about your dd. It's a very likely outcome. And probably a reason to ensure that can't happen.

[Monkeybusiness2]

I work in school.This is not good enough. Take it further if nothing else will be done by the school. I would not mediate with any person who has abused. In fact this is precisely why, in divorce proceedings, mediators will not work with victims of abuse!! No different for a child.

[Thurmanmurman]

In response to those asking how a sexual assault can take place in class. I was 14, it was a woodwork lesion and we were all standing up whilst the teacher was demonstrating what we had to do. Everyone was stood closely together watching the teacher and this boy stood behind me put his knee up between my legs from behind and was rubbing it up and down. I was too embarrassed to make a fuss in front of the class and never told anyone. I don’t think it’s affected me massively in life but the fact it was 25 years ago and I still remember shows it’s obviously had some impact.

[MTGGirl]

@IC4nSeeYourPixels
well said. As a mom to a boy I do try and wish all others moms would be the same. If my son did this (and I would think it is a major thing) I would drag his sorry little arse to the school next morning and make him apologize publicly to the girl. No matter what the school does. He would need to feel ashamed of what he had done and learn from it that it is never acceptable to do so. If it was a minor thing I'd just drag him to the family and make him apologize to the girl in front of them.
And he's surely be punished at home.

And then the grey area comes in. Kids learn through trial and error. It might have just been an idiotic teen thing where the other boys "dared" him to do it. How do you deal with that? Does that really deserve a permanent record? Everybody does stupid things.... It really is hard to decide and each case is different i guess.

Then again...what do we expect in a society where one of the largest nation's leader thinks it's okay to grab woman by the pussy..... It seems that morals are falling rapidly and there are less and less sane ppl around.

[Anothertempusername]

I echo the PP's saying to report to the police. The school leadership is very, very stupid for not reporting it themselves. I hope appropriate sanctions are handed out to the teachers who have made the decision not to contact the police, and I hope the boy gets expelled. Little fucking shit.

Wishing you and your daughter well OP; a really shitty thing to happen to her.

[StoppinBy]

With regards to what happened, yes I would report that to the police and I would be seriously angry at the school.

Your child and this boy do not have combined issues, this boy has an 'issue' that the school, his parents and the police need to sort out.

If your DD has concerns or is upset about having him back in the class or even in the school then the school should also be taking that seriously.

[Fatasfook]

A boy came up behind me when I was sat working at my desk, leaned over and grabbed at my chest whilst we were in class when I was a teen. Quiet discreet and no one noticed. Assault can definitely happen in classrooms.

[Chouetted]

This happened to me at school, and it was horrendous. I had to start wearing shorts under my skirt to stop it.

I wish I'd had the guts to report it, and I still relive it from time to time. I believe it's seriously affected my ability to be intimate with men.

They absolutely must take this more seriously. Mediation would not be appropriate - this isn't two boys having a punch up in the lunch break, for Pete's sake.

[Pantsomime]

OP report to police. I was assaulted as you describe totally unexpectedly from behind in a crowded street as an adult. I bristle in a crowd even now many years later and think of it. You have to report it so DD feels validated, taken seriously, no guilt and equal to men - they cannot do this and get away with it. If no one finds out he’ll think it’s ok. Whatever the outcome your DD will always feel vulnerable even if briefly as I do sometimes because we are!!! At the very least she’ll know that although we don’t have the power to fight them off, it’s taken seriously and the power of the law will descend upon him and moreover it’s saying to society - all boys This. Is. Not. Ok. This. Must. Stop