Sexual assault in school

[WeakAsIAm]

So my 15 DD has been sexually assaulted by another pupil during a lesson at school.
The incident has been reported to the school and the boy has been removed from shared lessons.

I've met with the school today; the boy will return to normal lessons in 2 weeks, my DD has been offered mediation with the boy before he returns to discuss their issues.

During the meeting I was so upset for my DD that I just wanted to get her out of there and make sure she was safe.

Now the anger has set in, AIBU to think the school should be doing more about this and not passing it off as a slight misdemeanour?

I really want an example setting of this boy, I feel he should be permanently excluded, be reported to the police and let this be an example to all other pupils this behaviour is not acceptable.

Am I over reacting, I don't feel I am but I'm so upset about it maybe I'm not thinking straight?

If I am reasonable how can I get the school to take this seriously?

[youarenotkiddingme]

Report to police yourself.

However be prepared for it to be a fight.

My ds has a knife pulled on him in class. Boy was excluded for 2 days. Ds was petrified to return to school.

Police allow schools to deal with school stuff.
School did all they could to down play it.

Ds ended up in new school.

For ds this was best as they are a far better school.

Personally I'd say fight for what is right. Make sure everything is minutes and emailed and a paper trail. Make sure school has so far followed their behaviour plan to the letter and have done things like take witness statements.

I get the anger for your child. I've felt it. But channel it effectively to get her the best outcome for her

[WeakAsIAm]

Thanks for all the replies, I've got a copy of the safeguarding policy for the school and surprisingly it states very clearly for sexual abuse both police and safeguarding teams to be informed.
I've emailed the head for another meeting so I will see what the morning brings.

DD, thanks for asking after her, appears to be in holding up well all considering. I will see how she is in the morning

[Stefoscope]

Yanbu to take this further. I would tell the school it's not at all acceptable for them to brush it under the carpet and let this boy get away with it. I'm shocked a school would think mediation and him returning to normal lessons is acceptable. I was sexually assaulted in lessons by a boy over 20 years ago (he would make me touch him under the table and try to touch me). I used to dread being in the same classroom as him. When I finally got the courage to speak up about what was happening, the headteacher didn't take it seriously. Some other girls he was also 'pursuing' had written notes to him 'leading him on', so I must have also done this despite my assurance I hadn't and there being no evidence. I spent many years thinking I'd done something wrong and feeling worthless.

Lots of reassurance to your DD that she has autonomy over her body and has done nothing wrong, which I'm sure you're already doing.

[kateandme]

"what comes under the terms of sexual assault is so varied these days.it was a rather minimal act.making it more public would shame someone, forever seen as a monster when what he did shouldn't be on his record for life" was stated to a mother I know.ermmmmmm

[MyOtherLifeIsAFairytale]

What did the boy do?

[RabbityMcRabbit]

That's a disgrace. Report to the police for definite and I'd also take it to the governors. If you don't get a different response from the school I'd threaten to report them to Ofsted as they are failing in their duty of care to your DD

[kateandme]

knackeredandneedwine such a good point knackered.how people deal with it,believe and support you is a huge part of how you deal with it and recover isn't it.

don't let this go op.

[Otterseatpuffinsdontthey]

Nothing to add to the advice you've already been given by previous posters.
for your daughter.
for you.

[IC4nSeeYourPixels]

How can a boy sexually assault a girl in class? My understanding is that lesson/class means a teacher.
What could have happened that the teacher there didn't pick up on?
(really curious)


Well in the cases I know about if teenage girls I know (not my dd)

When teacher is writing on board, looking at other side of class the boy as stuck his hand up the skirt of the girl who sits next him, or grabbed her boobs and the girls have been to humiliated and/or scared of him to shout out to the teacher.


TeAchers are it staring at every pupil all of the time and due to the nature of sexual assaults many women and girls don't feel able to draw attention to it as it happens.

Dds school saw several of her y7 male class mates excluded for trying to force the girls to watch violent porn on their phones.


There's a bbc documentary about the increase in sexual assaults on girls by boys at school starting in primary school. What often happens is the girl is made to mediate with her attacker, is expected to consider her attackers future and the victims education and mental health ends up suffering because the boy is allowed back into classes with her.

I'd have phoned the police. He's old enough to understand consent and that you don't go round treating girls like this. Doesn't even sound like he's been removed from school two weeks, but only the ones he shared with her. Hardly a punishment at all.

[FurrySlipperBoots]

@kateandme

But it is a grey area isn't it? What about a teenage boy pinging the bra strap of a girl on passing, that there's been mutual flirting with for a while? He might see that as a cheeky progression of their intimacy whereas she, without having given permission for him to touch her bra may feel she's been assaulted. Should this boy be permanently excluded/given a record/find it hard to get into uni or get a job?

I'm not minimising what the OPs daughter has experienced today, far from it! I'm just wondering where that line is that crosses from 'acceptable' to 'assault'.

[kateandme]

FurrySlipperBoots ah yes I get that.

[IC4nSeeYourPixels]

What did the boy do?

I don't think we need specific details but "sexual assault" means something physical, that's he's physically assaulted her and it doesn't matter if it was a hand down her trousers/up a skirt or a squeeze of her arse. He's old enough to know what sexual assault is and not to do it.

[SharkSave]

Mediation to discuss THEIR issues?! Fucking hell that is outrageous.

YANBU to raise it further.

The bottom line might be that nothing changes (bar her attending mediation-worse idea I've ever heard) but your support and how seriously you're taking it might be enough for her. I hope shes ok, poor girl

[MrsElijahMikaelson1]

Definitely safeguarding issue and if he didn’t want people to talk about him he should keep his fucking hands to himself and not sexually assault girls then.

[nocoolnamesleft]

Mediation? Fucking mediation? How can mediation be appropriate when your daughter has done absolutely nothing wrong? Frankly, suggesting mediation is victim blaming.

Police.

[Stickmanslittleleaf]

Furry that's why it's difficult to judge whether the school's sanctions are appropriate and whether the police should be called because OP hasn't said what he's done. I'm not suggesting you should if you're not comfortable doing so OP! But cries of calling the police are a bit extreme with no info. In my all girls school we regularly pinged each other's bras or smacked each other on the bum if someone was leaning over a desk. Not acceptable at all but not police worthy surely? Some girls would lift skirts if the victim was standing up and shout 'breezy day!' or some shit and that's way, way not ok. Or it could have been something very intimate but we just don't know.
I hope your dd is ok, she is much better off for having a mum who has her back and will fight her corner and look after her, I hope you have a glass or cup of something you like OP.

[StoppinBy]

I also think a judgement can't be made as to the appropriate punishment without knowing what actually happened. I do think that no intrusion on her personal space without her permission is acceptable but the punishments would be different depending on the circumstances.

Kind of like giving someone who stole a loaf of bread to feed their kids the same punishment as a person who steals a car - both thieves but at different levels.

[Smurfy23]

See what school says but ultimately make sure that it is reported to the police. They may well be reluctant to do that but they cant stop you.

[sailorsdelight]

Police, immediately. Schools are more concerned with their reputations and trying not to exclude pupils in my experience. Sexual assault is a police matter NOT a school matter.

[Fatasfook]

I agree. Police

[kateandme]

Stickmanslittleleaf good point

[IC4nSeeYourPixels]

But it is a grey area isn't it? What about a teenage boy pinging the bra strap of a girl on passing, that there's been mutual flirting with for a while? Maybe we need to start teaching our sons that a girl flirting with him doesn't give him the right touch her body or her underwear as she passes by. If teenage boys genuinely believe it's ok to ping a girls underwear as she passes because she's flirted with him, then we should be having a look out what we're teaching them to think that's ok.

[burritofan]

Would the school exclude for two weeks over a bra strap ping, though?

I'm uncomfortable with asking the OP for details of the assault – know its anonymous but her DD still has the right to privacy even on this thread. This might just be me!

[MTGGirl]

When a boy tried to get under my skirt in high school I slapped him and told him to go to hell. In front of class/teacher (got banned for 2 days). But I stood up for myself. (and few more times after as well). Why aren't we teaching our girls to do so?
I'm not commenting on OP, as I have no idea what happened, but in general.
Slightly different example. My son (13) goes to an all boys school. He was badly bullied at the beginning of the year. Had many meetings with head of year and other staff members. They honestly tried to help, but let's face it: it is by instinct that males of a species will want to assert dominance. And school doesn't allow them to (they get detention for fighting, as that is the most common way of sorting out the ranks), so they resorted to bullying. And they bullied him because he let it. He was trying to "play by the book" and behave as expected. Somewhere mid nov I snapped. He came home with yet another broken ipad case (3 letters missing) and just told him to forget the rules and just stand up for himself. I will have his back. Yup, he got a detention a week later. Head of year asked me in for a meeting where I explained. I also said that I advised my kid to only kick below the crotch line and only when provoked. Eyes/face is not acceptable. Because it is not about hurting the other, but showing that he can't be pushed around. Head of year looked at me funny, but after an hour debating he did say that however much he has to say this is bad as HoY, as a parent and person he agrees with it. So as long as it is a reaction and not aggressive he will not escalate. My son had 2 more short detentions and since mid-dec everything is fine and peachy.
Funny thing is: I am a very peaceful and totally non-aggressive person by nature. I have never caused harm or hurt to anyone in my life just because I felt like it.

In OP's case maybe police is the right choice, only she knows.
But in general we should try to raise independent and strong women who know the line between self defense and being an arrogant bitch.

[cantkeepawayforever]

If their policy states safeguarding and police, then that is what they should have done.

Do not report to police and safeguarding yourself yet - ask the school, as a matter of urgency, to follow their own policy. If they refuse to, or delay, write immediately to the governors, simultaneously contacting the police and safeguarding yourself (so your letter to the governors should state 'as the head has refused to follow the school's policy, I have followed these steps myself').

Failure to follow their own policy is pretty clear-cut. It doesn't allow room for 'well, but, is it a police matter?' - if it says they should do something in a signed and agreed policy, that should be done.