Am I taking advantage of my boyfriend? (money related)

[confusedholiday]

New boyfriend and I are both in our early 30s. We met just before Christmas, so the relationship is very new. We have both been swept up in it and it has been a complete whirlwind. Despite it only being 4 months we have both said that we love each other. We have amazing chemistry in every way. We've talked about the future, getting married, children, moving in with one another. We speak about one another as 'us'.

I know it seems too fast but I have never felt this way about anyone, nor has he. We very much feel as though we have both met 'the one' and have told one another this.

Without being too outing, he is in a very high position within a well known company and earns a very high salary - six figures. I earn a fraction of that amount. And I mean a fraction. He lives a very different life style to my own and wants to share that with me. He takes us to very expensive restaurants, bars, experiences - and though I always offer to pay half - he always pays as he knows it would be a struggle financially for me. He says is happy to pay because he wants us to do these things together. I will pay for what I can afford - a couple of drinks when we go out, cook him a nice meal when he is over, pay for the taxi, buy him little gifts etc. But I will admit it is disproportionate.

We have arranged to go on holiday with one another. It is something that I would love but is very much out of my price range, which I explained before the holiday was booked. I offered lots of alternatives for where we could go that would be cheaper and I could comfortably afford to pay half. He insisted that he wanted to take me to the best place as its our first holiday together, and I can just contribute whatever I can afford, not to worry about it because he sees it as a shared pot anyway. So he went ahead and booked the holiday, I am contributing but its a nominal amount in comparison.

I met up with some friends today for coffee and told them about upcoming holiday. They were all absolutely aghast that I had let this go ahead. That I should have insisted on the cheaper holiday, and I am taking advantage of him. That I need to scrape together, by hook or by crook, the money to pay my half. I do not feel like I am taking advantage, it's hard to explain to people that aren't in the relationship we are in. But I am worried about the perception that others will have - particularly his friends and family who I am yet to meet!!

All my serious relationships started like that, emotionally.

You are not taking advantage. When I first met DH I earned significantly more than him and always paid more to ensure we could do nice things together. You will both benefit from the better holiday. Your friends may be jealous.

Not sure whether its jealousy or not but I'd ignore what your friend said. Its your relationship and your deal. And I say that as someone whose always paid her own way and gone dutch. But in your situation it makes sense and he is happy to pay for it - the amounts wont mean anything to him and everything to you.

I had a friend with a very rich boyfriend for about 5 or 6 years and she ended up with huge financial problems because she insisted on paying her half. It was nuts.

Your friends sound jealous.

Years ago my now husband was like your partner, much richer than I and would always offer to pay,etc. But back then I would stick to my guns and insist on not doing things if I couldn’t afford them. Now that I am older and wiser I have learnt the error of my ways!! It is not taking advantage it is allowing both of you to create some great shared experiences and memories. Things that I missed out on. It doesn’t sound like you are taking advantage and you treat him back when you can. Don’t under estimate cooking dinner, etc. You don’t need lots of money to show love. You have an amazing partner who has a very generous nature. Would you do the same for him if the role was reversed? Enjoy every moment and ignore your jealous friends. Who I am sure given half the chance would leap at the same opportunities.

Your relationship your business, you would know if you are taking advantage. He would know that too. Keep on offering, keep on doing the little things that don't cost much but often mean more. It's his money some people just are generous. Just don't discuss it with others i suppose it can cause jealousy in some. It's not like you've let him pay for it all you've contributed a proportion you can and he is happy with this I presume? Enjoy your holiday!

Only read the first half of the thread, but my thought would be that there's nothing wrong with accepting his offer to take you on a fantastic holiday. What worries me more, really, is the level of intensity you've hit within four months. If your earning positions are likely to remain very disparate, I would be really careful that you don't gradually get into a position where you're expected to run around after him because you can't afford to keep pace with his choice of holidays and that starts to be seen as your part of the bargain.
To that end, I would regard it as a bit of a red flag if he won't ever come down to your financial level and enjoy a cheap weekend for which you can pay half. I don't quite know how to explain it, but there's a kind of respect somewhere that would be lacking if he can't ever step into your world and enjoy it. Hope that makes some kind of sense!
Just to be clear, after only four months, for God's sake enjoy the holiday!

My dh and I had the exact same situation when we first met. He also wanted a life partner to share that with. Here we are a decade later and he is still providing well for me and our DC.
When I worked, my salary was so tiny compared to his. I contributed to the smaller Bills whilst he paid the big ones. And even then he would split his disposable income so that we equally have the same.

These sorts of things are fine and lovely when you're at the lovey dovey stage you're at, and will become a stick to beat you with as soon as he is unhappy in the relationship. It isn't taking advantage as I'm sure he's lovely and happy to treat you, but at some point do have a discussion about how he sees this long term, as while it's fancy restaurants and holidays now, in the future this will be a power imbalance in your relationship that you want to avoid.

My first long term relationship was one where I earned a lot more than DP and we agreed to go halves on everything to avoid the perception of advantage being taken.

It eventually left me absolutely miserable. It's not just that we never got to enjoy expensive things like meals out and holidays that I was willing to pay for; we actually went without a lot of things we needed and could easily afford. We slept on a mattress on the floor for our last six months together because DP couldn't come up with 50% of a bed frame to replace one that broke. And when we split up, we divided joint possessions 50-50 and I ended up throwing most of my stuff away because they weren't things I'd wanted in the first place.

I'm now in the position where I'm a SAHP and not contributing financially. I'm very conscious of being financially dependent, and contribute in other ways wherever I can, but don't feel that I'm taking advantage.

@DolorestheNewt I agree re being careful with the intensity of it. I met my now ex in the September, engaged by the following summer, married the summer after that. The money thing was great at the time and I didn't heed advice of my friends to be careful. Once we were married with his heir and spare he changed. He tried to keep me with money. I wanted more from life than that.
I am now engaged to a man who earns marginally less than me but treats me with respect. We are skint but settled. Money can't buy true happiness.
Not for one second saying your bf will turn out like my ex but I urge you to maintain your financial independence as much as possible until you are more certain this is going to be a long-term relationship that is equal in every other regard. I am glad I did as I needed my career when I became a single mum to two little boys and not a penny from my ex.

Think about it as proportion of income, wears a wildly expensive trip to you is a weekend at centerparcs to him, in terms of cost and the percentage of his salary it utilises. You've offered, he's insisted, actually he might not want to go to a cheap holiday which is his prerogative, it's not like you're asking for anything. I'm not someone who likes to be paid for but in this circumstance I think it's ok

Your boyfriend is choosing to his spend his money as he wants. If he wasn't happy then he would tell you or not spend his money on you.

Just enjoy it. He's happy, you're happy, no one else's business.

A holiday doesn't have to cost a lot to be awesome though ☺

similar situation but other way around, I earn approx 4 times that of DH - I think people can tell when they are being taken advantage of & probably haven't got to where they are by letting people treat them unfairly.

@confusedholiday - where are you going out of interest?

I was in the same situation when I first met dh, he was earning well and paid for a wonderful holiday in mauritius. We've been together 10 years and since then I've brought financially more to the table as well as taking principle responsibility for our dc.

If ends up being 'the one' then your relationship just needs balance, if your job is less long hours/stressful you may end up being the one who usually cooks dinner.

I think so long as you're not taking it for granted and there's balance it's OK. Later in the year you could maybe surprise him with a lovely day out with a picnic you've made, which doesn't have to cost a lot.