Am I taking advantage of my boyfriend? (money related)

[confusedholiday]

New boyfriend and I are both in our early 30s. We met just before Christmas, so the relationship is very new. We have both been swept up in it and it has been a complete whirlwind. Despite it only being 4 months we have both said that we love each other. We have amazing chemistry in every way. We've talked about the future, getting married, children, moving in with one another. We speak about one another as 'us'.

I know it seems too fast but I have never felt this way about anyone, nor has he. We very much feel as though we have both met 'the one' and have told one another this.

Without being too outing, he is in a very high position within a well known company and earns a very high salary - six figures. I earn a fraction of that amount. And I mean a fraction. He lives a very different life style to my own and wants to share that with me. He takes us to very expensive restaurants, bars, experiences - and though I always offer to pay half - he always pays as he knows it would be a struggle financially for me. He says is happy to pay because he wants us to do these things together. I will pay for what I can afford - a couple of drinks when we go out, cook him a nice meal when he is over, pay for the taxi, buy him little gifts etc. But I will admit it is disproportionate.

We have arranged to go on holiday with one another. It is something that I would love but is very much out of my price range, which I explained before the holiday was booked. I offered lots of alternatives for where we could go that would be cheaper and I could comfortably afford to pay half. He insisted that he wanted to take me to the best place as its our first holiday together, and I can just contribute whatever I can afford, not to worry about it because he sees it as a shared pot anyway. So he went ahead and booked the holiday, I am contributing but its a nominal amount in comparison.

I met up with some friends today for coffee and told them about upcoming holiday. They were all absolutely aghast that I had let this go ahead. That I should have insisted on the cheaper holiday, and I am taking advantage of him. That I need to scrape together, by hook or by crook, the money to pay my half. I do not feel like I am taking advantage, it's hard to explain to people that aren't in the relationship we are in. But I am worried about the perception that others will have - particularly his friends and family who I am yet to meet!!

It’s his money, he can spend it how he likes. Do your friends have green eyes?

I'm in your position too. I have been with him for 6 years. Initially, I felt awful but I'm gradually getting used to it. To try to redress the balance in a tiny way, I'll cook and bake but financially, I can't match him in any way possible and he's happy with the situation. Like your bf, he says that he wants to share what he can afford with me. Perhaps you'll get used to the imbalance.

What I find though is that I never ever initiate dates nor do I ever suggest restaurants or holidays etc because it's inevitable that he'll pay so there is a loss of freedom and imbalance. For all the advantages, I do sometimes wish that we were on a more similar financial footing.

Fuck that, enjoy it :)

My partner didn't earn a lot but he would spend every penny on me if i wanted, He loves buying me things and treating me to things and it was nice as i wasnt used to it, were now married with children and we no longer have that kind of money as neither of us are in work at the moment due to other issues but i'm still in love with him .

I was in your situation when I met my DH. I was 19, renting, and earning a pittance. He was 26, in a well paid job, and living rent/mortgage free. From the start, he always took me to lovely restaurants, and on fabulous holidays with business class flights.

I did find it a bit tough at the start but I really loved him very much and knew I would still want to be with him if he was broke, so I don’t think I took advantage.

Plus, I did always contribute. If he bought cinema tickets, I got the drinks and popcorn. If he bought dinner, I left the tip and was first to the bar. If he paid for a 5* hotel, I paid for the theatre tickets etc.
He appreciated my contribution.

Now, things are much more even salary-wise so we can treat each other, but he never once used his financial position against me.

I presume the guy is a grown man who earns his own money and can choose when and where to spend it?

His money. His decision.

Be gracious. And enjoy. :)

Its not your friends business. What do they think will happen? Do you really see them turning it down if they were offered? Me neither!

He is happy to do it, you sound in tune with one another.
From his POV , he won’t want to go on a holiday thats well below the standard he can afford, plus he wants to spoil you.

You’ve offered to pay and suggested alternatives, and you are cont4ibuting towardsit.

Enjoy and bring back the sunshine

Agree I think your friends are jealous. Carry on with your plans.

You’ve offered alternatives and pay for taxis and drinks so you aren’t sitting back expecting everything to be paid for. Go any enjoy the holiday!

Don’t over think this, your boyf wouldn’t offer if he didn’t want to. Have a fabulous holiday.

Totally fine your friends are just jealous!

Im in the same job as dp, so earn the same but hes better at saving, wheras i have credit card, overdraft and loan from parents debt. Not massive amounts, but a little bit on each.

Weve been together 9 months and have jyst moved in together. Hes said that he can cover the mortgage and bills (its his house that he bought before we got together) and i can concentrate on clearing my debt.

I feel similar to you, slightly guilty that im living rent and bill free while clearinf off my debt, but it was definitely his decision to offer, and if he didnt want to do it, then he didnt need to offer.

Go on your holiday and enjoy it!

Of course you are not taking advantage. He earns a lot more and knows you can't afford the things he can, but he enjoys a certain lifestyle. If he wants to share that with you, fantastic. Keep offering when you can, but let him treat you if he wants to and can easily afford it. If he wants and can afford a luxury holiday, why should he have to rough it with something much cheaper and less desirable if he's willing to pay for you to join him? Your friends just sound jealous.

@op

He loves you, that's all. Most of us would do whatever we could for our loved ones. I have no doubt he values your endeavours to try to pay, which is probably another reason why he takes your relationship so seriously.

Good luck on your hols.

Why would you share the financial details of your relationship? It's none of their business.
Your bf is happy to pay so what's the issue here? Jealousy I think. The lovely thing about being better off is that you can treat those around you.
Your friends sound like joy suckers.

I don’t see it as a problem but I have always seen my dh money as our money even from very early on we pooled resources (we started dating at 14/16) so I’m talking first part time jobs etc we always shared

They are all whiny jealous buggers

Have a fab time

OK I'm in a situation like this. My dp is a high earner and I'm a single mother struggling most of the time to pay bills. I'd be fairly independent however and would avoid expensive dates and such. His stance early on was if I paid the babysitter it was enough.
We are 12/13 years down the line. I'm a bit better off financially and the kids are now adults.... Now he's always taken back when I pay for a night out meal or takeaway or drinks... He's treated me for years and now I can repay it in a small way, it's nice. I still can't match his earning potential but I find making the effort is appreciated.
A few of his mates have made the odd sarcastic comments but I've put them straight on it being none of their fucking business. And if we were married nobody would bat an eyelid. So they can all fuck off.... He knows I don't take advantage even when he has offered ridiculously expensive holidays, gifts etc

Enjoy but be careful

I know someone who was and is unemployed but met a self-made millionaire and they're now happily married. She let him pay for her as she literally had nothing. He was always happy to, despite her protestations.

If he's happy to, go for it. I agree, your friends could well be jealous. I'm not jealous of this woman I know at all. Definitely not.

I don’t think you are taking advantage of him. It’s not like you lied to him or pretended to have more money initially.
And I wouldn’t share details about money with your friends in a future.

I think your friends may be a bit jealous Op!!

I always earned a lot more than dh and when we first met I was happy to fund most of our leisure activities. I wanted to enjoy and share wonderful moments with him , he couldn't afford it but I could so why not!
13 years later we are married and I still fund most of our expenses but he adds value to our family in non monetary ways which are just as valuable as my finances.
Obviously don't suggest anything luxurious and always offer to contribute a fraction of what you can but don't stress over it. He most prob enjoys treating you and doesn't mind xx

It's fine! I was the higher earner when I met DP, I'd have far rather subsidised a killer holiday with him than gone on a less-good one; especially since it would have been a holiday I'd have gone on anyway, but having him there made it much more fun. Go! Enjoy the honeymoon stage of whirlwind holiday shagathon times! Send a postcard to your jealous friends!

I earn 3 times what my husband does and always have (although both on higher than average)

I pay for most holidays, contribute more to monthly outgoings and I am more than happy to do so.

Jealous "friends" OP? The clue is in the word partnership which is usually what a relationship is. Met and married my DH in 8 months so don't worry - when you know, you know! Enjoy yourself, life's too short and you've only got one.

I blame feminism for this attitude.
I think it's perfectly okay. You didn't arrange to meet him so you'll have a better life. And you have no idea what life will throw at you two.
When I met my husband he was in uni, I was working. He moved in after 2 weeks with me to a 9sqm room with my parents. For many years (more than 5) I supported us, he was doing odd jobs while at uni. Then he got a proper job, we got equal. Then I went on mat. leave and things went south. His boss still owes him a big 6 figure sum.
I went back, supported us. He was always promised that the next big contract would pay out. It never did. I decided to move countries, came here alone, left him and our son for 6 months to set everything up. They came, he got a job that paid half of what I was earning. Then got another, and another and in 3 yrs we were equal again. Another 3 years and my crohn's acted up to the point that I had to stop working. It's been 2 years now that he has 2 contracts simultaneously and I don't work (looking to go back soon though). At what point should I have pulled the plug on this relationship because of the money? It's not been a fair thing on me for more than a decade. And now it's not fair on him.
It's not about money. All the time that I was the breadwinner he compensated with non-monet stuff. Being kind, cooking dinner (daily when needed), cleaning, etc... without a word. It needed to be done, he had time. Atm I do everything (really) without a word. I don't bring money, but I put food on the table, get everything organised and done. In a healthy relationship it's not about money, but the effort each party puts in.

It's this overrated feminism that makes women want to be equal in every way. I think you don't need to be that equal. You'll never be: you'll be the one having the children, changing nappies (mostly), etc. You will have to be absolutely trusting and depending on him whilst on mat. leave. If it's okay then, why is it not okay now?

Think your approach of thoughtful but smaller gifts is right. It is awful paying for things you can’t really afford. The holiday could be spoiled if all you were thinking about was the effect on your savings/credit card. Enjoy the holiday!