Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I taking advantage of my boyfriend? (money related)

116 replies

confusedholiday · 20/03/2019 20:59

New boyfriend and I are both in our early 30s. We met just before Christmas, so the relationship is very new. We have both been swept up in it and it has been a complete whirlwind. Despite it only being 4 months we have both said that we love each other. We have amazing chemistry in every way. We've talked about the future, getting married, children, moving in with one another. We speak about one another as 'us'.

I know it seems too fast but I have never felt this way about anyone, nor has he. We very much feel as though we have both met 'the one' and have told one another this.

Without being too outing, he is in a very high position within a well known company and earns a very high salary - six figures. I earn a fraction of that amount. And I mean a fraction. He lives a very different life style to my own and wants to share that with me. He takes us to very expensive restaurants, bars, experiences - and though I always offer to pay half - he always pays as he knows it would be a struggle financially for me. He says is happy to pay because he wants us to do these things together. I will pay for what I can afford - a couple of drinks when we go out, cook him a nice meal when he is over, pay for the taxi, buy him little gifts etc. But I will admit it is disproportionate.

We have arranged to go on holiday with one another. It is something that I would love but is very much out of my price range, which I explained before the holiday was booked. I offered lots of alternatives for where we could go that would be cheaper and I could comfortably afford to pay half. He insisted that he wanted to take me to the best place as its our first holiday together, and I can just contribute whatever I can afford, not to worry about it because he sees it as a shared pot anyway. So he went ahead and booked the holiday, I am contributing but its a nominal amount in comparison.

I met up with some friends today for coffee and told them about upcoming holiday. They were all absolutely aghast that I had let this go ahead. That I should have insisted on the cheaper holiday, and I am taking advantage of him. That I need to scrape together, by hook or by crook, the money to pay my half. I do not feel like I am taking advantage, it's hard to explain to people that aren't in the relationship we are in. But I am worried about the perception that others will have - particularly his friends and family who I am yet to meet!!

OP posts:
TheBigFatMermaid · 20/03/2019 21:50

It honestly sounds like you have the beginnings of a lovely relationship, relax and enjoy, while still contributing what you can.

I am willing to bet that is the contributing what you can that is making him fall for you. I imagine he is fed up to the back teeth of dating women willing to just let him pay for everything 'because he can'.

Solina · 20/03/2019 21:50

I think when you earn enough to have quite a bit of spare money you want to treat people you love. Me and DP have a good wage and plenty of spare money each month after saving some. I love to treat my friends and family to a meals or gifts etc once in a while and dont expect anything back from it. If I was in your BF situation I would certainly happily pay so that I could share my success with someone I loved.

Hillaria · 20/03/2019 21:54

Oh, OP. I'll swap with you any day. Failing that, just enjoy it!

Heartofglass12345 · 20/03/2019 21:55

Me and my husband were sort of like this when we met, although he doesn't earn anywhere near that, he had a lot of savings when I met him. He had been single for about 15 years and basically been a hermit. I had been private renting for 6 years so didn't have any savings. He paid for us to go to London a few times, to see shows etc and generally spoilt me. He paid for the deposit on our first house together as I didn't have any savings. I didn't ask him to do any of this, he wanted to. My family used to say I was spoilt etc but they were happy for us really. If he wants to do it who are you to stop him, your friends are probably jealous

rosinavera · 20/03/2019 21:56

Don't give your friends another thought - I think they are jealous! You and your fella sound lovely!! :-)

MsVestibule · 20/03/2019 21:57

From his POV, he wants to go on 5 star holidays but if you go on a holiday that you can afford, it will only be 3 star (for example). So if he wants to go on a 5 star holiday with you, he pays. TBH, paying an extra couple of thousand pounds probably doesn't mean that much to him.

I was financially independent for 20 years and have only ever gone out with men who earned a similar amount to me. However, I think I could have coped with having a rich boyfriend, as long as he was as nice as yours appears to be!

Catren · 20/03/2019 22:00

You've made it really clear how you feel about it, that you want to contribute (and follow through) and made suggestions for cheaper options. There's no way you're taking advantage- someone taking the piss would insist on fancy options, gifts, etc. and never contribute. It sounds like despite your different circumstances you've found one another so please enjoy it.

As long as he enjoys it when you treat him without the pound signs (as you said you cook for him etc.) and he really does respect you for you (not condescending or dismissive of your work or income) and doesn't try control you with his money (which it doesn't seem like) then I really think it's fine.

Lucky you!

tiredandcold · 20/03/2019 22:00

Yanbu
Your friends are dicks. Possibly jealous.
It's not their business
Go ahead and enjoy yourself.
You would be taking advantage if you weren't committed to him, didn't love him or were stringing him along.
I don't earn mega bucks but have always earned much more than my husband. Both our wages go into a joint account and we both have cards for it and full access to.
It's a family pot. Our money. I cringe when I hear couples speak about my money and his money. If you're in it for the long haul then you're in it together.
Congratulations and have a great holiday

shitholiday2018 · 20/03/2019 22:03

Yep, jealous friends there! Your relationship sounds fab, you don’t want to take advantage and are aware of it. It’s nothing to him as he earns so much more - let him do it but do keep contributing as you are.

My partner earns about 20x what I do. It’s our money. He has never once called ‘ my money’. From the beginning he contributed more. I did exactly what you do now.

When you’re relationship endures, this will be irrelevant. And get rid of those jealous friends.

shitholiday2018 · 20/03/2019 22:05

And his family/friends will have no idea about financial arrangements or what you’re paying so please don’t worry about that.

expat101 · 20/03/2019 22:10

Go and enjoy the holiday! Maybe shout dinner from time to time or an activity? Contribute in a way towards something that you will both enjoy.

miranda1511 · 20/03/2019 22:12

Jeez, don't feel guilty for ffs. If you are committed to each other in the way it sounds like you are it's hardly taking advantage! He wouldn't have booked if it was an issue. Enjoy x

Ellisandra · 20/03/2019 22:15

I earn 4x my husband and happily fund most of our social life and holidays. It can be fine.

I have a slight niggle though that it sounds like this man is over-riding you. Why do you have to go to expensive bars all the time? Why NOT let you choose a cheaper place? Does he have any way of treating you well that doesn’t involve money?

It’s fine to let him pay if you both want that - but don’t let him call the shots on everything you do all the time!

And... time to stop telling your friends so much!

ReanimatedSGB · 20/03/2019 22:16

For the moment, enjoy yourself and stop worrying. If he can afford this holiday and wants to pay for you because he wants you to enjoy it with him, that's fine.
If he later turns out to be controlling, or starts acting like he's basically bought you and you have to obey him all the time, you can walk away.

Elloduckie · 20/03/2019 22:19

@confusedholiday You're not taking advantage because you are offering and he likes this it throws away the gold digger vibe and I think he appreciates it. Ignore what you're friends will say regarding this. In all likelihood they'll probably be jealous. Be careful who you talk to about him, don't put his wealth etc upfront. Be discreet, don't outright hide but some discretion will be good if you want this relationship to last. Learn about his world and teach him about yours. Take this from someone speaking with experience. Enjoy what he offering but also step your game up. Work on you self improvement etc, not saying match him salary wise (though you can if you want) but match in terms of having drive and being the best version of yourself etc.

iolaus · 20/03/2019 22:19

He;s suggesting it so it's fine

If you were suggesting he pay for an inclusive holiday to the Seychelles when otherwise you'd have a B&B in Blackpool for a weekend then I'd agree you were taking the piss - if he wants to take you then let him

I'd probably surprise him with something in return (so if originally your plan that you'd pay for was a fortnight in spain you can probably pay for both of you to have a weekend in Prague or something)

Fair doesn't mean the same

Coronapop · 20/03/2019 22:20

On a 6 figure salary your BF has plenty of money to spend on luxuries without worrying . If he's happy to spend it on a holiday with you then that is fine. It would be absurd for you to try and pay half given that the holiday is out of your price range.

alwaysthinkingofsleep · 20/03/2019 22:23

Your "friends" are jealous. You're honest about your circumstances, he will have expectations from a holiday & is clearly happy to pay the extra to have you there. Have fun, be yourself & don't bankrupt yourself to keep up with him x

cdtaylornats · 20/03/2019 22:29

he isn't prepared to do cheaper things with you that's a worry

Rubbish, why should he put up with a lower standard of living so the OP wont feel guilty?

Ellisandra · 20/03/2019 22:33

Because cheaper things isn’t a lower standard of living, and because making sure his girlfriend doesn’t feel guilty is a very good reason?

Occasionally going to a local nice pub, rather than an expensive new bar isn’t a lower standard of living.

I didn’t say they should never do anything expensive. But why not sometimes go somewhere cheaper?

AlpacaLypse · 20/03/2019 22:36

He sounds lovely. And well up for working together as a team. Best wishes xx

chickensub · 20/03/2019 22:39

My dh earns 10x what I do. Not because my salary is shit, but because he's a very high earner. I could never match his. We have a lifestyle I could never afford on my own, but what's the alternative? He keeps his money all to himself and we pretend it doesn't exist?

Your friends sound a tad jealous op, don't share anything financial with them again. People get like that very easily over money. If you get married it will all be one pot, and quite frankly none of their business how you handle your finances.

chickensub · 20/03/2019 22:43

And if I tried to make my dh stay in a hotel I could afford he wouldn't be happy when we got there! It wouldn't be what he was used to and he'd complain!

Iwrotethissongfor · 20/03/2019 22:46

Do you mean that you haven’t met any of his friends and family 4 months in or that you’ve met some but those of them that you haven’t met might take a dim view of it? If the former i’d say that’s a concern particularly re friends as would expect to meet st least one of them by the 4 month mark, even if not as serious as you describe. I have been the lower and higher earner and I don’t think there’s anything morally wrong with the things you describe as long as you don’t take it for granted and you contribute proportionately (and equally it important you don’t start to feel like you have to earn it by agreeing to everything he wants etc). Personally though I would struggle with a man buying me loads of stuff. I preferred it when I was the higher earner treating my boyfriend as I felt, it sounds silly, strong and independent. I would struggle with this and would probably refuse some of the things offered as I hate feeling indebted. My husband is the higher earner now though not a huge gap (15k-29k difference). But I have a crying child on me now and and I’m inclining towards fuck it, enjoy it!

StoppinBy · 20/03/2019 22:46

I think you should tell your friends to hold their jealous tongues.

Lucky you, the man you love and who loves you back has a lot of free money and lives a lifestyle that he loves to share with you. From the sound of it if the roles were reversed it would make no difference to you and you would be just as generous and in my mind that is actually what matters.

I hope you have a long and happy life together.