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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder why women say this

58 replies

brizzlemint · 20/03/2019 17:05

IRL and on threads I often see things like 'DH tells me off for....' or 'DH says I can't do....' or, the one that really annoyed me when I saw it 'DH sent me to bed' (which is obviously very weird)

Is this the norm for DH's to tell their wives off or that they can't do something rather than discussing it and agreeing not to?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 20/03/2019 17:08

Its normal for women with shit husbands
My dh doesn't think he's my boss so I don't make any comments like this

ILoveMaxiBondi · 20/03/2019 17:12

I’ve never said any of those phrases in my entire life.

Women don’t say these things. People in relationships with domineering partners say these things.

PurpleDaisies · 20/03/2019 17:13

Women say it because it’s true for them. Confused

forestafantastica · 20/03/2019 17:14

I heard men say that kind of thing too. Some couples seem to be comfortable with a weird power imbalance parent/child kind of thing going on in their relationship. Not my cup of tea, but equally, not my circus or my monkeys.

DPotter · 20/03/2019 17:15

Some men say it to and mean it

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 20/03/2019 17:16

The one that bugs me is 'DH won't let me go xxxx in the dark' like their DH is their keeper and responsible for keeping the little lady safe.... so patronising!

My DH is happy for me to make my own decisions thankfully

Ohnonotuagain · 20/03/2019 17:16

I've never heard one of my female friends say either of those phrases, I don't think it's common.

mummamaker · 20/03/2019 17:17

I think it depends on context for example if I wanted to buy a new hoover and it was expensive I would run it by my husband first as we share money and it should be a joint decision , but if I went ahead and bought it with out mentioning it ( not asking ) he probably wouldn't be very happy as like I said is joint money

BeanTownNancy · 20/03/2019 17:18

Sometimes it's just poor wording. I might jokingly say that my husband "sent me to bed" if he turned to me and suggested I go to bed because I'm tired - but in all honesty, sometimes I get distracted and need a bit of a prod - I absolutely wouldn't consider going if I didn't actually want to. I might also say he "tells me off" for forgetting or being too distracted to eat my lunch, because I'm pregnant and diabetic and he is just trying to keep me and the baby healthy. Nothing sinister or controlling, I'm just a forgetful and easily distracted individual - good thing I married a guy who helps me take care of myself to be honest!

lottiegarbanzo · 20/03/2019 17:19

I've never heard a woman say this. I hear men say stuff like this a lot. And joke about 'she who must be obeyed', 'not allowed out tonight' etc.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 20/03/2019 17:20

I did once find a message on my EXs phone telling his friend “the missus (that’s me) won’t let me go”. In further inspection his friend has invited him out to something and he didn’t fancy it but he was too chicken to tell his friend the truth so blamed me. He had never even mentioned the event to me!

BloodyDisgrace · 20/03/2019 17:23

I've been wondering this too, whether it is actually what he said or the poster's way of expressing it (while the husband used a different phrase). Sad that it happens. I kicked a fuss at work once because of the wording in some official notice that "people will be sent home" ...

greenpop21 · 20/03/2019 17:26

Maybe they mean it in a jokey way?

megletthesecond · 20/03/2019 17:27

I've heard it from friends and colleagues. Some people have shit partners.

PurpleDaisies · 20/03/2019 17:28

Why are you pissed off with the women, not the partners?

Skypatrol · 20/03/2019 17:29

I've literally never heard anyone say this.

Unless as pp have said it's referring to a large purchase or something.

Kungfupanda67 · 20/03/2019 17:30

Not everything needs to be taken so seriously Hmm my husband often ‘tells me off’ for leaving my clothes all over the bedroom floor - he’s not abusive or controlled, he just takes the mick out of my housekeeping abilities. He also sometimes sends me to bed, if you want to put it like that, because we have 3 young kids and if he thinks I’m knackered and staying up to watch something because he wants to as well he’ll tell me to go up (I also do the same to him if he’s falling asleep on the sofa).
Lots of people on mumsnet seem to see abuse and controlling behaviour where there probably isn’t any

Gone4Good · 20/03/2019 17:31

A woman told me once, when she saw my new puppy, "I'd love a dog but Dan said we can't have one". I think she caught herself because she gave me an embarrassed look afterwards.

eightoclock · 20/03/2019 17:31

Men and women both say this sort of thing. I think people like saying it - it makes them feel loved and also sometimes gets them out of things they don't want to do!

SilverySurfer · 20/03/2019 17:35

I'm in my 70s - have never said those words but then I never had relationships with arseholes.

Jinglejanglefish · 20/03/2019 17:37

I've found its far more common to hear men say it tbh, often to do with women being painted as nags. I've only ever seen women say it on MN, never in real life.

Dp used it to get out of something he didn't want to do recently, 'jingle won't let me go'. Absolute bollocks, I've never told him he's not allowed to do anything but obviously I'm the girlfriend so I get blamed.

Gatehouse77 · 20/03/2019 17:38

This might be semantics but I would say that DH 'had a go' at me for something - as I would for anyone for anyone. It's essentially a telling off but not in a superior/inferior sense but I've pissed someone off. Might be over stacking the dishwasher, not putting shoes away, not reading/listening to something carefully enough and jumping to conclusion...anything.

AcrossthePond55 · 20/03/2019 17:38

Nope, never said this with current DH unless I was looking for an excuse to get out of something. And it's really pretty sad how most women will simply accept it without saying "Won't let? Really?".

There are just some people who think that their spouse 'forbidding' them to do something is a sign of how much they 'care' about them, since it's usually couched in that kind of language. You know "DH won't let me go, it's not safe at night", "DH won't let me go because men are predators", "DH won't let me go, the DC won't 'settle' with him, they only want me". That kind of shit.

ShakeYourTailFeathers · 20/03/2019 17:40

DH tells me off when i stick a knife in the toaster Grin

MaiaRindell · 20/03/2019 17:41

Some women like that they are supposedly being looked after