to wonder why women say this

[brizzlemint]

IRL and on threads I often see things like 'DH tells me off for....' or 'DH says I can't do....' or, the one that really annoyed me when I saw it 'DH sent me to bed' (which is obviously very weird)

Is this the norm for DH's to tell their wives off or that they can't do something rather than discussing it and agreeing not to?

I do wonder OP. I'm a member of a ladies running group on Facebook and in the last week I've seen two cases of this:

one lady who won a ballot place for the Oxford half marathon and was told she couldn't take it up by her DH and she could just run around 13 miles, as it was too much money for a medal;

and another lady who has a high heart rate (as do I, it's normal for a lot of people) and her husband said she can't run.

Ok maybe the second person is genuinely concerned, but he could also inform himself.

In the first case, they might not have a lot of money (I don't know), but being told you can't do something as an adult isn't really on. It should be a discussion and mutual decision.

I get irritated when my dc say “mum told me off” . It makes you sound like you just randomly felt like being horrid rather than they walked mud all over the place again.

The women who say it will be the ones who are the subordinate in a relationship because they have domineering partners. They don't usually have much say in the matter.

Another phrase that makes me cross is when men say they are 'babysitting' when their dp is going out. No, they aren't babysitting, they are looking after their own children.

I've also seen I don't let DH go out alone with female friends/to the pub/drunk too much/eat what he likes from the fridge. It's not ok but it's not just women who put up with it

I think it depends on context tbh. For instance, with the example of the walking home late at night, my DH “wouldn’t let me” do that. In the past, there was a job that he “wouldn’t let me do” as well because he thought it was unsafe / too much. I don’t think I’ve ever felt restricted by him, on a daily basis because we mostly agree, but if he did say “no” to something, I wouldn’t do it, to be honest. Unless the kids health / welfare was at stake of course, then I’d just do it anyway.

I don't see it much at all on here.

However, what I do see a lot is MNetters saying "I sent my DH to the supermarket".

Or other MNetters saying to an OP, "Just send your DH to the shop".

I don't know why but it's always mildly irritated me.

I would say oh I cant do XYZ as DH will tell me off (eat cake for breakfast for example) but it’s tounge in cheek. DH probably wouldn’t approve but he wouldn’t tell me off and even if he did say something I’d tell him to do one he knows he’s not the boss of me! But it would be the same the other way round! For us it is meant in gest.

Never heard these, apart from possibly
"DH tells me off for..." followed by either: spending a fortune on crap
or scratching his car.

Why are you pissed off with the women, not the partners?

Because it's the women who are saying it and accepting it rather than questioning it. If their DH's are really being controlling then the women need to stand up and address the issue and not just accept it. If they aren't being controlling then the women need to stop being the 'little woman' and talk in a more assertive way.

In the past, there was a job that he “wouldn’t let me do” as well because he thought it was unsafe / too much

But that isn't up to him - it's not his choice to make. If a partner told me that I couldn't do a job for whatever reason then I'd probably take it just to spite him/her.

I think it's a turn of phrase rather than a literal meaning.

I have just 'told Dh off' for putting his socks in the wash in pairs!

DH tells me off when i stick a knife in the toaster 
Ha! Mine too. Actually he says "I can't watch" and refuses to look even when I do my special jaunty knife dance near the toaster.

I have a friend who says it and she has a shit relationship. Not abusive, but no trust or mutual respect. It bothers me because she doesn't see how demeaning it is, or why she should object.

I remember once she said it in front of someone who doesn't know her that well. I was struck by the look of disbelief and scorn on the other woman's face. It had become normal for me to hear her say it.

the women need to stop being the 'little woman' and talk in a more assertive way.
But then you're being controlling and policing women's speech. Sometimes the stuff people say offhand really isn't that deep.

I hear it from men a lot, the DW has gave a time to be home, not allowed to pub etc and not in a joking manner; it's very common in young women who seem to be very jealous and controlling, my own eldest DD actually fell out with a long time friend over her controlling behaviour towards her DP.

I rarely hear women say this and those who do seem to be, for want of a better phrase, very “princessy” and seem to wear it as s badge of honour that “hubby” supposedly puts them on enough of s pedestal that he can’t bear them to use their own judgement.

There was a recent thread where many women were saying they'd “banned” their husbands from liking or commenting on other women’s social media, which was just . And there are regularly threads about so-called boys’ holidays or stag dos where plenty of women say they “wouldn’t let” their husbands to go.

I ‘tell my husband off’. For leaving the washing-up sponge bobbing in a bowl of cold, greasy water; for forgetting to take the key out of the back door, for all sorts.

I tell him he can’t do stuff that is happening when there are other family priorities that he may have forgotten about. And I tell him to go to bed when he falls asleep on the sofa. I don’t think I’m particularly controlling. He tells me off for stuff too.

For some women, this is simply the dynamic in their relationship. I once asked a woman at work to take on some extra responsibility in an area that interested her and she came back the next day and said "John says I can't - he doesn't like the thought of me doing XYZ." I had a million things I wanted to say in response but it really wasn't going to change the fact that that's how their marriage works. Very sad though and I would quite happily plough my boot into John's fragile testicles.

I think both men and women say these things without thinking or because it’s easier than explaining what the situation actually is. I’ve noticed my husband says things like this to his friends or to general people.
He’ll say ‘oh the wife won’t let me’ or ‘I’ve got to get permission from the boss’
our relationship is not like this at all. I would never ever say this to him and we have an equal relationship. I find it really upsetting and I worry what people will think.

Contesse - I’ve told DH that he can go in a strip club (eg if in a stag or work event), but if he ever went off into a booth for a private dance or whatever that would be it. And I mean it! I don’t count staying the obvious as “telling him what to do” though.

I once recall over hearing a woman (new mum) who had been a highly paid professional cite her husband saying that "they couldn't both have big jobs and she'd have to stay home and care for the kids" ....she said it gleefully and with pride. Some women like to be patronised I guess.

DH knows perfectly well that if he tried any of those tactics he'd be told to fuck right off. And that he'd need to keep his genitals out of kicking distance..

I think it's a two way street. I've never heard a woman say it unless referring to something like a house purchase in outer Mongolia that their husband took umbrage to - that being my sister and her DH.

That said, there's a sickening trend I've noticed distinctively from women who feel quite special that their husbands have to approve everything and make decisions for the both of them. These are the same women who somehow get off on the fact that they're married to a partner at a law firm or married to a CEO of sorts. Rather distasteful in my view but each to their own.

Does everything have to be labelled ‘abusive’?

My DP ‘tells me off’ for leaving cupboard doors open because it’s really fucking annoying but I always forget to close them.

I ‘tell him off’ for mixing colours in the washing machine.

It’s lighthearted (MN buzzword bingo) and part and parcel of a normal relationship.

Instances where it is not okay are things like: DP won’t let me see my family, won’t let me wear XYZ, won’t let me spend my money on XYZ.

A few women say things like that to 'add weight' to their message.

'DH won't let us go out to that evening do'. Not true, she doesn't want to go but uses DH as a get out clause.

Not many but a few.

I think you're reading more into this than it means. I might say it about my DH, but I assure you I am a very strong-willed, independent feminist! I just mean he's expressed his concern about something and as a result I've decided not to do it.