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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

would you think less of a man who would not date a single mum?

75 replies

theman · 10/07/2007 15:10

just wondering. if a man was going out with a woman and lets say after a couple of dates she told him she had a kid/kids. would you think less of him for ending the relationship?
or would you understand his reasons and respect his personal choice?

OP posts:
Lauriefairycake · 10/07/2007 15:15

Depends - do you know why you don't want a relationship with someone who has children?

If you didn't know why then it would signal to me that you weren't very mature or knew yourself well.

If you could explain your reasons then no, not at all, not even slightly would it bother me.

mytwopenceworth · 10/07/2007 15:20

No. I would think it was good he was honest that that is not what he is looking for.

I would think less of a man who dated a single mum but was not good to the kids.

bossykate · 10/07/2007 15:21

depends on his reasons i suppose. hypothetically, i wouldn't be that keen to date a man who had kids.

LittleBoot · 10/07/2007 15:22

No I wouldn't.

I'm a lone parent and I could perfectly understand if a man didn't want to get involved.

snowwonder · 10/07/2007 15:22

no i would rather know sooner than later,
just like some ladies wouldnt want to date a man who has kids....

personal choice like everything

mother2b · 10/07/2007 15:22

me and my DP had agreed that we probably wouldnt have gotten together if one or the other of us had children, it our choice, we didnt want the responsibility of somebody else's children and now we are having our own

we're both 20 and didnt want the responsibility esp if the child wasnt our own ifswim. it our preferance

oliveoil · 10/07/2007 15:22

no

I would rather someone was honest tbh

JeremyVile · 10/07/2007 15:22

I woould not think less of him, its his choice and only he knows what he is willing to accept. The exception to that would be if the guy had children himself then he's a complete prick.

Kewcumber · 10/07/2007 15:22

no - I would absolutely understand it. Having a child in your life changes you and your prioritoes and IME means you are less devoted to new partners - they need to be mature about the demands of a child. Better to be honest than let things drag on dishonestly. I am always upfront about having a child.

suezee · 10/07/2007 15:23

i can understand where he may be coming from...it can be hard to join a ready made family.

expatinscotland · 10/07/2007 15:23

No.

When I was a single woman with no kids, I would NOT go out with a man with kids.

It just wasn't my thing. Some folks could handle it, I knew it was a dealbreaker for me.

If I found out he had kids after a couple of dates, I ended things there and then.

I'm with MTPW, he was honest that that wasn't for him.

Fair play.

Original poster
theman · 10/07/2007 15:23

just wondering not in/ever been in the situation just looking for opinions.
lets just say the reasons might range from he's too young to want to be involved with kids (i know she might not even want him involved but if it gets serious it's inevitable) or maybe he has a fairly flexible lifestyle and doesn't want to have to live his life around babysitting/school terms.stuff like that.even just simply not liking kids that much or not wanting the extra strain/baggage it would bring.

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 10/07/2007 15:23

I now prefer men who have children as I think it makes them more understanding.

bossykate · 10/07/2007 15:24

actually, i retract my comment. i don't think the reasons matter, best to be honest.

SSSandy2 · 10/07/2007 15:24

No I think it's fair enough if you know that it isn't what you want. Despite being a dm myself, I don't think I would like to take on a man with dc of his own from another relationship TBH

expatinscotland · 10/07/2007 15:24

What does it matter what the reason is? A person doesn't have to justify that it's just not their cup of tea.

Kewcumber · 10/07/2007 15:24

why are you looking for opinions about something you haven;t experienced and seem seem to be looking for

LittleBoot · 10/07/2007 15:26

hmm, not necessarily JV.

It might be that he's seen what a nightmare it is to be a step-parent and has decided it's too much like hard work.

Wouldn't blame him. Wouldn't blame anyone for not wanting to take on that role, whether they have kids or not. Being a parent is totally different from being a step-parent.

FlameDelacour · 10/07/2007 15:27

No.

If I went on out with a guy a few times and then found out he travelled to Australia 6 months out of the year, I wouldn't be wanting to do it either. Tis up to you why you don't want to be involved with someone

thomcat · 10/07/2007 15:27

I would think - this man wants a casual relationship with no strings, no complications, just fun and sex etc, and didn't want to get up the hopes of the woman who had children as he thinks it would be unfair and ddin't want to meet her kids and then not be around in a months time so best to get out now before anyone gets hurt.

Lauriefairycake · 10/07/2007 15:28

I don't think its about justifying but instead being able to be comfortable with saying that its not for you.

I think its good that if you end a relationship you say why and give your reasons. Just seems emotionally healthy to me.

Original poster
theman · 10/07/2007 15:29

"why are you looking for opinions about something you haven;t experienced and seem seem to be looking for "

there are many things i have never experienced but appreciate opinions on.finding out others views on social matters can help to expand your way of thinking and perhaps provide a point of view or angle of reasoning that you may not have come up with yourself.

OP posts:
JeremyVile · 10/07/2007 15:30

Fair point LB - i didn't think of it from that angle.

expatinscotland · 10/07/2007 15:30

I went out with men who I found out had small penises and I dumped them, too.

Not just the kids thing that was a dealbreaker .

Lauriefairycake · 10/07/2007 15:31

expat - but what if they had a ten inch tongue and could breathe through their ears

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