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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

would you think less of a man who would not date a single mum?

75 replies

theman · 10/07/2007 15:10

just wondering. if a man was going out with a woman and lets say after a couple of dates she told him she had a kid/kids. would you think less of him for ending the relationship?
or would you understand his reasons and respect his personal choice?

OP posts:

Snaf · 10/07/2007 19:25

It does sometimes seem like a short-sighted narrowing of one's horizons (especially if I fancy them...) But I can see why men don't want to.

After all, until you've had your own how can you possibly fathom the bottomless depths of joy children bring? Or not.

flibbertyjibbet · 10/07/2007 19:26

I'm not reading the whole thread so don't know what the rest of you have said, BUT putting the shoe on the other foot, after a couple of bad experiences with separated/divorced men who had kids, 10 years ago I just decided, no-one with kids. I would have been bloody annoyed if a man kept it quiet for a couple of dates, so on just the grounds of sneakiness I would have ended it!

FioFioJane · 10/07/2007 19:27

yes would be very suspicious of someone without baggage

flibbertyjibbet · 10/07/2007 19:41

I admit there is a fine line between a suspicious person with NO baggage at all, and a nice man who doesn't have kids.
If someone said he didn't have kids but still lived with his mum past 30, now that would be suspicious.
If a man was divorced or had lived with someone but just not had kids with them then that is acceptable 'history' but I wouldn't class it as baggage.

Pebblemum · 11/07/2007 00:39

Taking on another man (or woman's) child is always going to be hard even if that child only visits once a week/fortnight. People need to know what is involved before it goes too far and especially before the children become attached to them. In some cases the children have been abandoned by one parent and if they then get attached to someone else who then walks away a few months down the line it can be very damaging. Therefore I think its important to be honest from the start.

I was a single mum before meeting dh and always made it clear from the onset that I had a child and what having a relationship with me would mean ie no going out at the last minute, accepting that my son would always come first etc and if anyone thought they couldnt handle it then I admired them for their honesty and it didnt occur to me to think any less of them.

Before meeting me dh had dated someone with a child who had basically used him as a babysitter while she went out and cheated on him and therefore dh had vowed that he was staying away from women with kids!! He knew before we met that I had a son but as he wasnt looking for a relationship (neither was I, we just went on the blind date for something to do lol) it ddnt bother him, he wasnt planning on seeing me again. The funny thing is we hit it off really well, he decided he wanted to marry me, hit it off with ds1 and now we have just celebrated our 5th anniversary and have a 3yr old ds and 7wk old dd of our own so it just goes to show anything can happen

TranquilaManana · 11/07/2007 00:56

being a stepparent is hard. you dont want to go jumping into that without being sure.

i only ever had one boyf before who said e had a child after a few weeks... and i dumped him b/c i couldnt understand why he wouldnt do everything in his power to be in the child's life (he lived in london, the child, a baby, was in manchester, from whence he came). i told him why, too.

KerryMumbledore · 11/07/2007 01:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MinistryofMamamagic · 11/07/2007 01:39

Initial reaction is that yes, I would think less of him (but I am a single mum, so am biased).

Being a little more level-headed about it, I suppose it depends on his reasons. If he doesn't like kids then it's probably best to end things sooner rather than later.

Why would a woman wait for a couple of dates to tell him anyway? If she'd told him in the beginning maybe there wouldn't be this situation?

Earlybird · 11/07/2007 06:52

Agree completely with MI and Fio.

No question, it's easier to date someone without kids. When you're young (or relatively), you can 'demand' that as one of your conditions for a potential partner. But, once you are in your......oh, mid/late 30's? or older.....it is most likely that anyone you date (assuming they're not hugely younger) is likely to have children and an ex in the picture.

As a single mum, do I want to date someone with all that 'baggage'? The answer is no, because it's hard and complicated and emotional. But I am aware that uncomplicated probably means younger. Frankly, at this point (in my 40's), I expect that any potential partner will have children and simply hope that he will accept dd and also help me to integrate into his existing family (if it gets to that point, of course).

Earlybird · 11/07/2007 06:54

I can't imagine going on a couple of dates before I mentioned that I have a child. It's certainly not all I talk about, but is absolutely the central fact of my life.

OrmIrian · 11/07/2007 10:19

That is true I suppose MI. Friend of mine got together with a man of 51 who had never had a long-term relationship - no baggage at all. She found out very soon why he had never had a long-term relationship. Terminally self-centered.

expatinscotland · 11/07/2007 10:20

Baggage is one thing, towing an invisible UHaul self-hire moving van behind them is another.

FioFioJane · 11/07/2007 10:20

my dh had baggage when i met him, he was 26 at the time. You cant really choose who you fall in love with tbh

Pixiefish · 11/07/2007 10:21

Before I met dh I dated a couple of chaps who had kids and tbh I decided that I would never do it again. If dh had had kids then I would never have got involved with him so NO I ouldn't think any less of a bloke who didn't want to get involved with someone who had kids- total respect to him for being honest

Reallytired · 11/07/2007 10:45

Choosing who you go out with is a very personal. Its not an area of life where it is fair to apply the rules of equal opportunities.

I would think less of a man who went out with a woman with kids because he felt sorry for her. It would be leading her on unfairly and ultimately she and the childen will end up hurt than if it was ended early.

Kewcumber · 11/07/2007 22:01

Anyone who dated me would very quickly owrk out I had an 18 month old from the height of the snot stains on my trousers.

aloha · 11/07/2007 22:03

I fell in love with a man with a daughter and it didn't put me off in the slightest. Actually I though, 'hooray, he's a great father!'
But people are different and it is best to be honest upfront. I think kids are first date stuff tbh.
the first words I ever heard my dh say (before I'd even met him) were 'It's OK, but I miss my little girl'.

Kewcumber · 11/07/2007 22:20

Ah now you see Aloha - if any man amitteed they missed their kids to me I'd be putty in their hands! See things very differently now I have one myself.

aloha · 11/07/2007 22:24

We were on a beach in St Lucia at the time, so it was even more potent!

aloha · 11/07/2007 22:25

(must say here, partner left him four years previously for another man, dh brought up his daughter as single parent for 2.5 years after she left)

LordPan · 11/07/2007 22:27

and, it is possible to use it flexibly, yes, to one's own advantage....

if you are being 'pursued' by someone you are 'interested in, it's fair to make children known, at a time of your choosing, and delicately.

if the pursuer is not to your liking, you can bang on endlessly about how the little one(s) take up ALL of your time and money, and there "simply isn't room for anyone else, I'm afraid!"..and smile forlornly.....

chonky · 11/07/2007 22:34

Totally, totally agree with MI and Fio . My radar always goes off around the approaching 40 bachelors who have 'no baggage' supposedly . Highly suspicious IMO that they haven't had a long term relationship and/ or kids (yes, yes, I know there can be exceptions to the rule and all that).

However, far better that a bloke is honest rather then gets involved and then realises that he feels 'uncomfortable' about the fact that you have kids.

agnesnitt · 11/07/2007 23:26

As a lone parent I'd probably appreciate the honesty.

However, I'm not actually bothered about men types as anything more than mates right now, so I'm probably not the best person to ask

Agnes

frapachino · 11/07/2007 23:34

I'd understand.
Pre dh and ds I would not date a man with kids as 1. I don't like baggage and where there are kids then usually there is an ex partner.
2. I like to be no. 1 and a partners kids would rightfully have to come first and so I'd feel insecure.
3. I wanted kids and wanted to share the experience with someone not do something with them they have done with someone else years ago.

Having had my own children I have completely changed my mind about all of the above but I am older and wiser and have my own baggage now

madamez · 11/07/2007 23:42

Not as less as I'd think of the type of man memorably defined in Viz as a 'cocklodger': bloke who targets single mothers in the hope of getting a roof over his head, his meals all cooked and the opportunity to sit on the sofa watching DVDs all day in return for the occaisional bit of doggy-style.

Not everyone lieks children or has any inclination to parent, after all, and it's better to be honest about it. Mind you, if you're a single mum out on a rare night's clubbing and you cop off, and all you want is an uncomplicated bonk then you might well decide not to mention the DCs as it can put off a bloke who might otherwise be a fun one night stand - same as being visibly pregnant can cut down on your chances of enjoyable casual sex unless you hang out with swingers.

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