To be sick of DH's lack of budgeting skills

[singsong777]

DH and I spent beyond our means last year on a few short breaks away, going to restaurants a lot and that kind of thing. It left us with a £3.5k credit card bill at the end of the year, which we paid off straightaway but left a big dent in our savings.

This year I'm determined that we live within our means, putting away £400 per month between us into savings and living off a strict but decent budget. We essentially have about £80 per week each to spend on frivolities after all other bills (including food) have been paid.

However, DH is struggling to stick to this and now, a week before payday, is badgering me about money, asking if we can take £50 each out of our savings to get us through the week. We both have about £30 for the next seven days, which will have to buy a few cheap bits of food, a bus ticket here and there but not much else. Ok it's not a huge amount, but IMO it's perfectly adequate considering we have all other expenses paid.

DH thinks I'm being ridiculous as we have almost £7k in savings and says "£50 here and there won't hurt". But like I say, I'm really keen to build up our savings this year to make up for last year's overspending. I'd also like to buy a new bathroom and make other improvements to our house.

We own our home (mortgaged) and have no DC.

AIBU to force DH to stick to this budget or should I give in and let him take £50 out of our savings?

Splitting finances only works well when you don't have children or you earn roughly the same amount.

Money is so often the most contentious area of a relationship. Please do try to address it now and not five years down the line when you've got young kids, are taking a career break and your DH is prioritising his spending on fun stuff while you eke your reduced income on the essentials.

It's a depressingly common scenario on the MN relationships board.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea OP has already mentioned that she doesn't have kids. With regards to couples who don't earn roughly the same amount, splitting finances is definitely still viable (they can maybe structure it so that the higher earner contributes a larger proportion to their joint account) and I'm a huge proponent of the financial independence it brings.

Maybe talk about having joint savings for specific goals like holidays, house improvements etc? You could both put however much a month towards those and then whatever is left over, you can both fritter on whatever you want.

But surely this is what's happened? It's just that he's spent all his leftover money and now wants to use the agreed savings

It sounds to me as if you’ve decided all this and left him with no choice. I’d be pretty pissed off if I were him.

It does seem like you have completely different perspectives on money which is likely to be problematic longterm. I'm more like your husband tbh.

It sounds like you have decided and you are demanding obedience. That is neither ethical nor sustainable and please bear in mind that financial control can tip into abuse.

Also, people who are obsessed with penny-pinching and saving for the sake of saving are fairly repellent. If you are earning good money, spending is better than hoarding, both for your own wellbeing and for that of the economy (the biggest cause of the widespread economic mess is wealth hoarding by the rich.)

But surely this is what's happened? It's just that he's spent all his leftover money and now wants to use the agreed savings.

I think the question here is if the purpose of the aforementioned savings was something they both agreed on. OP said "I'd also like to buy a new bathroom", does he want that too? I'm also not too sure if this account is their entire savings or if they both have their own in addition to it. That's the most important bit imo.

we have almost £7k in savings and says "£50 here and there won't hurt".

£50 here and there is how you got £3.5k on a credit card bill, which I hope you weren't paying interest on.

What's going to happen with the holidays this year? Are you budgeting for them, or will you have to dip into savings or put it on the credit card?
How about having a separate savings account for holidays?

Also, 7k in savings is nothing. It's only a few months if one of you loses their job, maybe a second hand car with a few years on, some work done at home.

Also, people who are obsessed with penny-pinching and saving for the sake of saving are fairly repellent.

What a horrible thing to say.

People who jeopardise their shared future for the sake of frittering money away on a daily basis are hardly covering themselves in glory. There's a middle ground, and it doesn't involve such a nasty statement about someone exercising financial prudence.

Whenever I see a thread like this regarding people who spend like the OP's husband, I think, 'I bet their version of 'afford it' doesn't include a decent pension allowance or savings for retirement'. Because in my experience it hardly ever does, and it all goes tits up when they lose work or retire.

So no need to be so rude about someone who IS trying to address their bad spending habits - they got into £3.5k debt last year behaving this way, so no they can't fucking afford it.

If you are earning good money, spending is better than hoarding, both for your own wellbeing and for that of the economy (the biggest cause of the widespread economic mess is wealth hoarding by the rich.)

It's hardly this case. They are already allocating over £8000 per year for non-essential spending, and as it seems not budgeting for holidays.
Borrowing too much is also terrible for the economy (see last and every economic crisis).

Also, people who are obsessed with penny-pinching and saving for the sake of saving are fairly repellent

how nasty, and untrue.
The OP and her partner already have big debt: it's called a mortgage, and needs to be paid every month. Having a few months worth of income saved is the least you can do if you want to avoid any big financial trouble.
Being home owner, they will have to fork out for roof repair, new boiler, unblocked drain or whatever home emergency happens, they always do.

Using your existing savings mean you are living above your means, can't blame the OP for not wanting to put up with that. If her Dh wants more disposable income, he's free to get a small job this weekend to earn the extra cash!

To answer some PPs' questions:

DH and I earn exactly the same amount and we're comfortable but by no means wealthy. We have one joint savings account and then two separate current accounts (so no joint current account).

We paid off the £3.5k credit card straightaway (so no interest) but it came out of our savings, which is why I'm trying to "pay ourselves back" this year, IYSWIM.

I pay for the monthly food shop (around £230) as I know that I'm better with money than DH and can budget more effectively. So he actually gets about £115 more for frivolous spending than I do each month. If we split the food shop between us he'd have been even more broke this month!

To the PP who said saving for the sake of saving is "repellent" - read my OP. I'm not just saving for the sake of it, but am hoping to refurbish the bathroom and maybe book a nice holiday this year (both of which DH has said he's keen to do too).

I just wish he was on the same page as me with these things, but perhaps I do need to be less rigid with my saving goals so DH can have more fun day-to-day.

@paisho I know there's no kids now, my point was to try to resolve this before having kids.

I don't think anyone can tell from the posts whether OP is penny pinching or if the H is reckless. But it's clear there's an issue where he's begging her for extras spends like a teenager.

I know you're being very sensible but you just can't have this level of financial control over someone

^this

You need to compromise on a approach that works for both not expect him to do it your way because it seems more sensible. To you.

X post. Why are you enabling him by paying for the food shopping? It should come out of the joint account surely?

I know you're being very sensible but you just can't have this level of financial control over someone

the partner has his own separate current account... No one is telling him how to spend his own cash.

I just wish he was on the same page as me with these things, but perhaps I do need to be less rigid with my saving goals so DH can have more fun day-to-day.

Bollocks to that. You are feeding this selfish fucker because he can't be bothered to perform a fucking BASIC adult skill for the sake of petty frittering.

You're not even asking him to live a life of penury. Just to try and make sure the perfectly decent amount of money he has to spend lasts.

I'm fumng for you now. How dare he ask to chip away at joint savings when YOU BUY THE FUCKING FOOD because he's not decent enough to agree a workable plan between you.

If you carry on your way - you build up your financial position, and enjoy things more securely. If you follow his - you're on the pathway to cutting another £3500 off your savings at the end of the year.

@UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea ah okay, gotcha. My apologies for the confusion!

I just wish he was on the same page as me with these things, but perhaps I do need to be less rigid with my saving goals so DH can have more fun day-to-day.

I think you need to really think about what you want out of life and if you can live with this incompatible spending. FWIW I do think you're approach is perfectly sensible and I don't think anyone is knocking you choices at all.

• Are you willing to save less yourself so you both save equally?
• If not, are you ok with paying more for practicalities while he focuses on other priorities?
• If not, are you ok with compromising and not getting the things that are your priority?

If you can't answer yes to any of those questions I'm struggling to see a road for you that doesn't end in bitterness and a feeling that you haven't got what you wanted out of life later down the line. I don't mean to be harsh at all because you sound like a sensible woman who knows what she wants and how to get it. Certainly an admirable trait.

It doesn't seem fair that you pay for all the food. Why don't you just pay in the same amount each to the joint account to cover it?
Why were you using your credit card when you had enough in savings to just pay for it all?

Keep talking to DH and explain that if one of you became ill or was made redundant your savings would only last a few months. If you needed to replace your car, boiler and washing machine in the same month (happened to me!) your savings would be seriously dented again.

Why the fuck are you subbing him £115 a month on food?!!!
That is just madness.

He should be ashamed that you do that.

Why is he entitled to your money?

That’s more of an issue than his save or spend choice.

Start saving separately. Never use your savings to sub him (e.g. paying more than half of a holiday because you have savings and he doesn’t). If you buy a house together, see a solicitor to have a greater % in your name to reflect the bigger deposit you bring.

He has to come to his own realisation that he needs to save. And that’s even less likely to happen whilst mummy is buying little Prince’s din dins for him.

I missed the point that you are paying for food! That sounds ridiculous and sorry to say it, op, but you don’t sound compatible with this man.

So he actually gets about £115 more for frivolous spending than I do each month.

Sod him twice over then.

Make him pay for the food too. He's living off you.

Tell him to get a higher paid job or work extra hours if he wants to spend more.

And it's true that you shouldn't control other people's spending, but you're already sacrificing your spending in relation to him, and I bet he'll dig into savings when he needs a new car or holiday.

Worst case, consider the future of the relationship if he can't keep to a sensible spending/saving plan and you'll always be fighting over money or living pay cheque to credit card.