To think DP is too strict with dc

[Iusedtobecarmen]

He is like a flipping a sergeant major
All serious. Shouty. Booming voice.
Always kills the mood by getting serious about everything.
He says I'm too soft that I'm
trying to be friends with dc . I'm not.

I'm softer than him. Not soft
Just pick my battles. It's like he looks to nit pick.
I'm probably not right. He isnt either though. Can't seem to get a middle ground.

Is it possible that you've gotten into a cycle where you're to soft because you think he's too strict, and he's too strict because he thinks you're too soft? Have you discussed discipline strategies?

Sounds a bit like my dad. My mum and dad are divorced and I don't exactly have great relationship with my dad thanks to his behaviour following their break up.

But he was actually a Sergeant... and a bit of a bastard.

Not saying the above will happen though.

Have you tried to talk to him about it?

How old is your child? Sounds like he needs to lighten up a bit.

I've got 3 dc of various ages drom teenage adult to primary age
Stef
Think that's exactly it.tried talking strategies. He wants them to listen more and is always enforcing something or other when they dont come off PlayStation etc
I agree but it's the way he does it. Looks like hes in a bad mood and losing control.
I calm things down and he gets huffy saying I'm too scared to take control. A d that im undermining him.

It usually works well to have one parent stricter than the other. Neither one is always right so it gives balance.

No. It works better to have two parents who have agreed an approach. Not good cop bad cop.
Decide on the house rules and consequences together. He sounds like he makes a big deal out of everything. But you sound like you ignore some issues rather than dealing with them.

wolfieYes he make a a huge deal of every misdemeanour
And yes I do chose to ignore certain things rather than have a row.
Particularly with my eldest
I don't know what the solution is.

It's the stage now where they say they hate it when I'm at work as he's so grumpy and always telling them off.
His argument is that it's just boundaries.

I'm not a total pushover and we have rules but it's like his rules overrule everything!
Causing friction and dc hear us bickering

DP has a tendency to do this- every little thing needs to be turned into this learning experience and boundary imposing mess.

So a minor thing becomes a major argument and a bad vibe for nothing.

Have you told him explicitly that the kids no longer want to be around him? Does he think that's good, healthy parenting and a way to gain respect? Or rather they'll just think dad's an arsehole.

Could you agree to let the other one finish what they started. Eg you Say time to come off playstation, he doesn’t get involved. He says time to come off, you don’t get involved. It will be a different approach but you won’t be undermineing each other.

cheshireyes I've told him and he hears the dc say it. That would be enough for me to back off!Not him
He seems more determined to make his point.
lifetothefull yea we do that to an extent. If he has started something I won't get involved and vice versa to a degree.
However, this too,goes wrong.
He will,for example say "dc has misbehaved today and done X so tomorrow I'm taking Y off them"
"So do you back me up on this?"

So what does he say when he hears they don't want him around?

It's even worse with teenagers as they need to know they can come to you for help and that you won't flip for nothing.

Would he be willing to read any parenting books?

He says they need to learn and he's not strict just want to have good s behaviour and for them to listen.
Doesn't seem disturbed that.they prefer to be around me.
A parenting book might be a good idea
For me too

Just think sometimes for gods sake shut up. You don't need to say that!!!

I know a lot of posters like to Talk so Teens will Listen & Listen so Teens will Talk [[https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1853408573/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_XGxKCbH5WZEE4?tag=mumsnetforu03-21 this book]].

You might want to look for some that focus on the impact of having a parent like him as well.

How would he react if you simply excluded him and went out or similar? You known like you say to little kids- if you're mean, no one will want to play with you.

to Talk so Teens will Listen & Listen so Teens will Talk [[https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1853408573/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_XGxKCbH5WZEE?tag=mumsnetforu03-214]]

Pfft!

I think that there is a difference between strict and aggressive. I am very strict and at times nit picky but my daughter still seeks out my company and often says she loves me just randomly as were sitting together. Could you make sure that your dh knows that you agree with what he wants from them just not how he's going about it?

Is he their biological father?

Yes biological dad to all of them.
Yes I've tried saying I totally agree that certain behaviour isn't acceptable but I don't like his approach
I also admit that my way isn't right either and can we compromise
Sometimes he agrees (though nothing changes)
Mostly he either says I'm too soft or goes all funny and says you deal with it them and storms off.
It's not like we got the worst kids in the world!!

It sounds a bit like 'me big man. You listen to big man' and he thinks you should listen as well.

Quite frankly, if you end up shouting you've already lost control of the situation as a parent

Maybe agree on a list of consequences for common misdemeanors and you both stick to that? Involve the kids as much as possible and set some ground rules for everyone.

They can then air their grievances and say if there's something they find unfair and try and find a compromise.

Has he always been like this or is it recent?
If recent, has something happened at his job that makes him feel like he's losing control? Like a potential redundancy?