To refuse to support DD in having hobbies anymore?

[HelenLaBloodyAnnoyed]

DD is 11 and is very sociable and outgoing. Since the age of 5 she's tried out about every extra curricular activity going. She's on the school team for every sport and loves competing in pretty much everything she can. She's also massively into drama and dance and would love to study drama at Uni.

Over the years, I've spent thousands of pounds and countless hours supporting her in all of her activities but now I'm considering refusing to do so any longer. The issue is her father - from whom I have been separated for many many years - does not support her in any activities. DD only sees him fortnightly but this has still managed to disrupt so many things for her.

For example, she took tap classes and after a year was picked to perform a solo in the dance schools annual show. She was beyond excited and was talking about it for weeks. When the show drew closer, her father said he didn't agree to her taking part (it fell on his weekend with her, I offered to swap/take and return her/him to come and watch) and she wouldn't tell him how much it meant to her, she missed it and then once she was home she was so upset - she then wouldn't return to the dance school as she thought she'd let the teacher down, and because she didn't see the point of improving if she could never perform.

Similar incidents have happened with several other activities; she'll take classes and adore them, get really good, be asked to perform or compete, be desperate to do so but then if it requires even minimal commitment on her weekrnd with her father, he'll say no and she won't stand up for herself. I have fought her corner with him for years but he won't back down, despite knowing how upset she gets, and she won't tell him she is desperate to take part.

Tonight I had to drag her 3 younger siblings to collect her from drama class at 7.45pm, they're all tired and she comes out absolutely buzzing because she's been picked for a main part in their performance. That's great, but for the last month they'll have rehearsals on Saturday mornings - which her father won't let her attend. I just feel like it's deja vu and there's no point putting me and her siblings through taxiing her around, not to mention paying out for the activities when they can never progress so she ultimately gives them up.

I've tried empowering her to speak up to him but she absolutely refuses. WIBU to say there's no point taking anything else up, or does that just make me as bad as him?

[Omzlas]

It's a load is shit for her but I simply wouldn't send her to him when it's a weekend to do an activity. Let him take you to court. Back up everything with records of him refusing to take her to X, Y or Z


Fight her corner, she's still only 11 and he sounds like a controlling, bullying arsehole

[TriciaH87]

I suggest you tell her if she does not speak up now your pulling her out before she gets to the show. She needs to tell him she wants this. If not she can't want it that bad.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

TriciaH87

She is 11 and is displaying signs of being emotionally abused and manipulated.

If this was a grown woman they would be directed to places like WA, the Freedom programme or therapy.

Growing a backbone and saying it how it is wouldn’t work for a grown woman in the midst of the FOG so I don’t think it will do anything for a young child

[Preggosaurus9]

I don't understand why you have allowed the cycle to continue to this point. Break it. You are the only one who can. DD is a child. She is relying on you to fight for her.

Get back to court, with all the evidence of the dance roles etc that he has shat on. The order already says he has to facilitate. Agree with pp ask for a prescriptive detailed amendment to that part, so it's crystal clear who's responsible for what.

You have got to act in the best interests of your child, and that means stepping in to prevent emotional abuse from her father.

She is traumatised for life if you don't.

[Chocmallows]

I agree with posters who say that her dad is showing your DD emotional abuse, but I disagree with how to deal with it. I also think DC can become stronger rather than damaged if they receive support to do so.

I am in a different, but along the same lines position. My DC tell me what happens at dads, but they do not want me to intervene to try to fix it because they know that a) it is not relating to my behaviour b) he would not listen to me and would instead take the opportunity to be nasty c) he will be worse to them afterwards.

Taking him to court will not change anything because he will have excuses for his behaviour (finance/time) and the magistrates are not then in his home every day making him be a responsible and fair parent. Through going to court, my ex and I attended Separated Parents Information Programme (SPIP) and I realised through this that co-parenting requires both parents wanting to be fair for DC. I now accept that he parents in his ways and I parent in my way. The damage he is doing damages his relationship with them, not mine with them. The DCs are only children for a short period of time and if they have space to become independent and understand that people are responsible for their own behaviour they will have freedom to make choices in the future, e.g. choices like spending less time with a negative parent!

My DD is 13, things change at this age, she has a phone and chats with friends more and spends time with them. I have found an activity that takes place every other week and so she does not rely on her dad. If she chooses to spend less time with him in the future that is down to his behaviour and is his loss.