Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not letting ex see DC again?

63 replies

Bobbycat121 · 19/03/2019 14:26

I know the title seems unreasonable so hear me out.

I have 4 children with ex, just under 2 years have passed and he has had absolutely no contact, that has been his choice. I havent seen or heard from him, no messages or calls on birthday christmas...nothing, no maintenance either. Hes seen our youngest child 3 times in her life, (almost 2 years old). As I said he hasnt paid a penny and has left me to raise them alone. This isnt the first time he has done this he disappeared when I was pregnant with the youngest and had no contact but came back after I had given burth and foolishly I allowed him to see them again only for him to disappear around a month later. Ive left him to it and just got on with things and havent contacted him. Last night I had an email from him asking for contact. I havent responded and quite frankly I do not want him back in their lives. He upped and left and hasnt made any attempt at all in 2 years. He was abusive to me (not to them) and he would never take them to his house. (only ever seen them at my house, again his choice. My 4 year old and 2 year old have never been to his house.) I know he would never take me to court for access so that isnt something I would worry about, wibu to ignore him? I had to pick up the pieces when he left and I dont want to do that again. I also wouldnt trust him taking them anyway for various reasons.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 19/03/2019 14:36

No, YANBU.

I'd reply something brief and stern saying that no, given his previous behaviour in appearing and then disappearing you are not willing to allow contact without a defined court order, as it's not in their best interests to be messed around and will be very damaging for them now they are old enough to realise what's going on. You will be delighted if he makes a court application as you would be very pleased to see that he might be more serious about regular beneficial contact than he has been in the past. Once he starts the court process you will also apply to CMS for maintenance.

You won't see him for dust. He just wants to keep vague tabs. He doesn't give a shit about the children, so don't offer them up for heartache.

OurChristmasMiracle · 19/03/2019 14:41

I would just ignore the email. I mean after 2 years you might not even be using that email anymore right? If he’s Serious about seeing his kids let him go via a solicitor to do so.

He might try to write to you or turn up but at that point you then say that due to him having abandoned the children multiple times previously you require something formally set up for him to have access to them.

KC225 · 19/03/2019 14:41

What Fizzygreenwater says.

ThatFalseEquivalenceTho · 19/03/2019 14:42

YADNBU

Fuck him

Original poster
Bobbycat121 · 19/03/2019 14:44

they are all still quite young and honestly I dont think they even remember what he looks like.

burth should be birth* not sure what happened there.

OP posts:
Omzlas · 19/03/2019 14:46

I'd ignore it too, I would go to CMS for maintenance though. He should be paying his share towards their keep.

Original poster
Bobbycat121 · 19/03/2019 14:47

Should also add the last time he had contact he got a job then told me he wouldnt be able to see them anymore as he works on the weekend and they are at school during the week?! that resulted in an argument and thats the last time I heard from him.

OP posts:
Ribbonsonabox · 19/03/2019 14:50

YANBU let him go through court if he really wants to... that way he can show actual commitment... they would make him build up contact gradually too, first letters and phone calls then supervised visits... theres no way they would allow random unsupervised access after a two year gap!!
If you dont think he will go to court then fair enough really... it's up to him to prove himself not you. You owe him nothing and if hes the type of dad who is just going to see your children once in a blue moon out of guilt then hes not worth your time or worth beingnin their lives....
If hes really serious and wants a relationship with them he will go through court and do it properly.

I wouldn't give him the time of day tbh. Block his number.

purpleboy · 19/03/2019 14:51

Ignore the email, he has shown how unreliable he is, don't allow him to damage them anymore.
If he was to push for contact via court etc.. then possibly he has changed and wants to provide a more stable relationship for them, but make him jump through hoops as that will really show if he is committed to them or just on another whim.

FizzyGreenWater · 19/03/2019 14:53

You could totally ignore the email, also quite reasonable.

BUT - when your kids ask, and they will - you want to be able to say - I didn't ignore, but I also wasn't going to let him mess you around when you were little.

It honestly sounds as if he just wants to know roughly if you're still there, what his kids look like maybe, get a pic - but he doesn't see himself as a parent in any way and isn't interested in being one. Two years?!

Men like this are just damage and nothing else. It's not 'better' to have 'any father' than none, as this IS none. He may be the DNA giver but that really is it. What he will give will be uncertainty, false promises, lies, heartache. Unless he has changed significantly (hint: people don't). If he has, then he'll be jumping at the chance of a court order and having them, as a parent, to care for, for proper amounts of time, and all will be well.

If you email, you've done your bit and if he popped up again accusing you of keeping his children from him, you'd have an email to blandly re-send with a 'Fuck off with that shite' message.

Scumbag.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 19/03/2019 14:55

What Fizzy said

BarbarianMum · 19/03/2019 15:00

Id respond to his email to say that, in future, any access will be court directed and tell him to instruct a solicitor.

Then Id go to the CMS - you owe that to your children.

InnerCircle · 19/03/2019 15:06

How are you supoorting 4 children?

Original poster
Bobbycat121 · 19/03/2019 15:06

I have a case with cms but he doesnt work or claim benefits apparently Hmm so no maintenance . Been that way for years. He did work briefly as I said but quit because “standing for 4 hours was too hard” Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Bobbycat121 · 19/03/2019 16:51

I had to give up work as it was impossible due to caring for my oldest 2 with disabilities and no help with childcare.

OP posts:
InnerCircle · 19/03/2019 16:59

So, how are you supporting 4 children. 50% disabled and without working?

Original poster
Bobbycat121 · 19/03/2019 17:00

Why is that relevant?! I am a carer hope thats ok for you. This is about my ex.

OP posts:
TriciaH87 · 19/03/2019 17:06

My suggestion so you can say you tried to your children is this. You tell him if he wants access he goes through a contact centre. Before you set this up he starts to support his children financially as in you contact cms right now. Access ir not he should be paying and they will tell you 2 seperate things he still has to pay even without contact. If he lets them down at a contact centre even once game over. My ex was very much like this in and out like a yoyo. 7 years of not seeing his son now over a year without a message that was not asking me to reduce his payments so he can plan another child. I told him he does not bother with the one he has so i will be doing him no favours. End of the day you know best but it may be worth suggesting all the above as if his not serious he won't set up access.

VeronicaDinner · 19/03/2019 17:10

Having had a parent cut out of my life, I don't suggest you ignore the email.

You might not want him around, but your children might. What if you didn't let them see him and he died?

Order654 · 19/03/2019 17:10

InnerCircle - benefits obviously if she’s unable to work.

DLA for 2, carers allowence, tax credits/housing benefits or universal credits with the added elements.

TriciaH87 · 19/03/2019 17:11

If his not working or claiming i would be asking how his stayed alive for 2 years with no income.

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 19/03/2019 17:19

Ignore it.

snowball28 · 19/03/2019 17:21

@TriciaH87 probably works cash in hand/for himself and doesn’t file his tax return like my useless ex.

Original poster
Bobbycat121 · 19/03/2019 17:21

InnerCircle obviously has an agenda so I wont be engaging.

When I said that to CMS TriciaH87 I was told he could be being supported a partner.

OP posts:
Worried2019 · 19/03/2019 17:26

I'm in the same situation but I would say that you absolutely have NO right to stop him seeing them kids. I get he's been awol and not paid maintenance but not paying for them doesn't remove his parental rights. They're not pay per view!
Regardless of what people say on here, any Judge in any court in the land would agree with me on that as that is the law! Your kids have a right to see their Dad!!!!