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AIBU?

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Original poster

Not letting ex see DC again?

63 replies

Bobbycat121 · 19/03/2019 14:26

I know the title seems unreasonable so hear me out.

I have 4 children with ex, just under 2 years have passed and he has had absolutely no contact, that has been his choice. I havent seen or heard from him, no messages or calls on birthday christmas...nothing, no maintenance either. Hes seen our youngest child 3 times in her life, (almost 2 years old). As I said he hasnt paid a penny and has left me to raise them alone. This isnt the first time he has done this he disappeared when I was pregnant with the youngest and had no contact but came back after I had given burth and foolishly I allowed him to see them again only for him to disappear around a month later. Ive left him to it and just got on with things and havent contacted him. Last night I had an email from him asking for contact. I havent responded and quite frankly I do not want him back in their lives. He upped and left and hasnt made any attempt at all in 2 years. He was abusive to me (not to them) and he would never take them to his house. (only ever seen them at my house, again his choice. My 4 year old and 2 year old have never been to his house.) I know he would never take me to court for access so that isnt something I would worry about, wibu to ignore him? I had to pick up the pieces when he left and I dont want to do that again. I also wouldnt trust him taking them anyway for various reasons.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bobbycat121 · 20/03/2019 07:49

Thanks im going to go with ignoring it. I think worried is deluded, its definitely more damaging to kids having a dad pick them up and drop them when he feels like it (which he has done twice and not for a couple of months but a couple of years) I had to pick up the pieces and my children have taken a long time to get over it. He needs to be supervised for contact anyway so if he wants it he will have to go through court.

OP posts:
Flightywoman · 20/03/2019 08:05

It's not your responsibility to make his relationship with his children.

If he wants to do the right thing and be present in their lives in a positive way then he can get a court order, which you will honour, of course.

I wouldn't say a flat no, but I wouldn't roll-over and just hand them over. He has to prove he's doing it for their benefit and will be committed. Kids aren't a hobby, you don't just pick them up when you fancy or when you want to show yourself as a good dad/person.

And frankly, if you wouldn't leave them with anyone else they've never met why would you leave them with him, DNA or not?

Youseethethingis · 20/03/2019 08:29

Who are these appalling women upthread attacking you for protecting your children?? I’m honest shocked at some of the comments puting the sperm donors right to play daddy once in a while when it suits over the rights of innocent children to be protected from emotional fuckwittery Angry
Stay strong OP - if he wants them he can fight for them, just as I imagine you have had to fight for everything you need to provide for them alone.

Spiritinabody · 20/03/2019 08:40

Just a couple of thoughts on your comments:

  1. Paranoia happens in quite a few MH issues and not just Schizophrenia (although, if it is that, be aware that is often a hereditary illness).

  2. If he is letting out a property he owns then he does have income. Why have CMS not picked up on this income you are aware of?

  3. So, although he hasn't been in contact with DC in nearly 2 years, you do actually know where he lives.

Original poster
Bobbycat121 · 20/03/2019 10:04

He said it was psychosis but it seemed abit more than that to me, but obviously im not a doctor.

CMS said there was nothing they could do about his house and that I should report him to hmrc but I wont be doing that.

He lives in the opposite side of london to me around an hour and a half away, I reckon he still lives there.

Thanks Youseethethingis I was shocked by some of the comments this man is a virtual stranger, I wonder if they would hand their kids over to someone they didnt know.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 20/03/2019 10:12

He is a complete stranger to your kids.

Either totally ignore, or do as @FizzyGreenWater suggested in the first reply to your post.

It is not in the best interests of your kids to have him float in and float out of their lives. I've seen this happen to a friend's kids (now 18 and 14) and he's still doing it and they are in pieces every time he disappears again. And it's left to Mum to pick up the pieces... just awful.

IdaIdes · 20/03/2019 10:19

I'm in the ignore camp. He's an adult. If he wants to be in their lives he can go through court and build up from supervised access at a contact centre. I wouldn't be letting him in your house. At this point he needs to prove he's reliable and willing to build their trust. I wouldn't be blocking but I wouldn't be facilitating either.

AliceLiddel · 20/03/2019 10:32

He also lives in a house that he owns but rents out the 3 rooms to people off the internet (spare room, gumtree etc.)

wouldnt this count as income?

QueenEhlana · 20/03/2019 10:43

If he REALLY wanted to be in their lives, he could start by sending them cards and letters (and even a present or two!). If he managed to do that consistently for a period of time, then he could arrange supervised contact in a contact centre.

However I would assume that would all just be 'too hard' for him.

Original poster
Bobbycat121 · 20/03/2019 11:05

Its all cash in hand, CM wont do anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bobbycat121 · 20/03/2019 11:07

He has said he would never go to court for access so thats something I wont have to worry about, Im just going to ignore. My children are happier without him.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 20/03/2019 18:30

He also lives in a house that he owns but rents out the 3 rooms to people off the internet (spare room, gumtree etc.)

tax evasion too eh?

FrancesHaHa · 20/03/2019 18:51

If he wants contact he needs to do it through solicitors/ court, as it's clearly unsafe for you to be around him given the history.

In the circumstances you describe courts really would / should be looking at short periods in a contact centre given that the children don't know him and he has a history of violence and mental health issues.

Children are a responsibility not a right, and he could do all sorts of things to start taking responsibility for them, including paying money for them to live on, but he hasn't bothered has he? It's not your responsibility to facilitate him being a parent

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