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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not letting ex see DC again?

63 replies

Bobbycat121 · 19/03/2019 14:26

I know the title seems unreasonable so hear me out.

I have 4 children with ex, just under 2 years have passed and he has had absolutely no contact, that has been his choice. I havent seen or heard from him, no messages or calls on birthday christmas...nothing, no maintenance either. Hes seen our youngest child 3 times in her life, (almost 2 years old). As I said he hasnt paid a penny and has left me to raise them alone. This isnt the first time he has done this he disappeared when I was pregnant with the youngest and had no contact but came back after I had given burth and foolishly I allowed him to see them again only for him to disappear around a month later. Ive left him to it and just got on with things and havent contacted him. Last night I had an email from him asking for contact. I havent responded and quite frankly I do not want him back in their lives. He upped and left and hasnt made any attempt at all in 2 years. He was abusive to me (not to them) and he would never take them to his house. (only ever seen them at my house, again his choice. My 4 year old and 2 year old have never been to his house.) I know he would never take me to court for access so that isnt something I would worry about, wibu to ignore him? I had to pick up the pieces when he left and I dont want to do that again. I also wouldnt trust him taking them anyway for various reasons.

OP posts:
Worried2019 · 19/03/2019 17:29

Remember, it is NOT about his rights it's about the children's rights!!

Original poster
Bobbycat121 · 19/03/2019 17:38

Then he can take me to court for contact worried, he wouldnt though.

OP posts:
Worried2019 · 19/03/2019 17:42

That's disgraceful......

Your kids will resent you for this in years to come.

Original poster
Bobbycat121 · 19/03/2019 17:50

So how many times should I allow him to swan in and out worried? he hasnt seen them in 2 years!!! thats whats disgraceful. My children wouldnt even recognise him. Hes ignored birthdays, how can a father do that? his childs birthday is the day after his. He has seen his 2 year old daughter THREE times! and im disgraceful Hmm

OP posts:
VeronicaDinner · 19/03/2019 17:50

This isn't about how you feel, OP.

ChanandlerBongsLeftShoe · 19/03/2019 17:52

Worried, I agree to an extent that it is the children's rights to see their father that should be considered not his however, surely there comes a point when it stops being in the children's best interest to have someone waltz in and out of their lives over and over? And as the only parent who's around to support them and whilst they are too young themselves, that decision has to fall with the OP.

OP you say you had to pick up the pieces last time, I assume you mean your children took it badly last time he disappeared? I would say YANBU if you genuinely feel this is better for your kids. If it's just because you don't like him and he's not paid maintenance, I'd day YABU despite him sounding like an absolutely awful human being.

I know your youngest is two but how old is the oldest? Are they old enough to ask whether they might want to see him?

If contact were agreed could you meet somewhere for the day like the park for example rather than having him in your house?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 19/03/2019 17:53

Keep telling yourself that worried if it makes you feel better about not trying to solve your kids deadbeats commitment issues.

But you might want to avoid trying to convince rational people who understand that trying to encourage even a vague tiny bit of commitment in the form of court orders and supported by services contact is desirable when kids don’t even know the bloke is an actual thing

Original poster
Bobbycat121 · 19/03/2019 17:54

I wouldnt met up with him due to DV in the past. Oldest is 7 but has autism and limited verbal communication/understanding.

OP posts:
ChanandlerBongsLeftShoe · 19/03/2019 17:59

I wouldnt met up with him due to DV in the past

Absolutely understandable!

Chocolateheaven123 · 19/03/2019 18:03

I normally support at least trying to encourage some contact with the dad barring abuse of any kind. However, I this case, I think you shouldn't. The youngest two don't know him and the two older ones have disabilities. Their 'father' coming and going out of their lives is NOT in their best interests. It can cause massive upset for them.

However, could you just reply, short and simple, along the lines of 'if you wish to see the children, I think it's best that it's done through the courts. As you have been absent for the last two years, it's better for the children that any contact is sorted through the correct legal channels'
Or something to that effect.

thefirst48 · 19/03/2019 18:04

An absent father is better then one who is out in and out of a child's life. Who's to say he won't fuck off again after a couple of months. You are doing the right thing protecting your children, I would do exactly the same. You can't trust this man. If he is really serious then he can arrange mediation/court. Ignore the email or better yet change your email if you can.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 19/03/2019 18:26

I’m normally the one who says a father should ALWAYS have the right to see his dc regardless of what’s happened with the mother.

However in this case, I’d do exactly what the OP is proposing to do, tell him to go to court to sort out access. This way, she will completely see if he’s serious about being in the children’s lives.

This is about the dc and how his sporadic visits affect them. Trust me, an absent father is far better than one who turns up, begins to form attachment with a child and then disappears again. This does far more damage than one who isn’t around at all.

Original poster
Bobbycat121 · 19/03/2019 18:28

I do not want to be around him, I said in my op he was abusive to me. I do not wish to be around someone who strangled me. He also lives in a house that he owns but rents out the 3 rooms to people off the internet (spare room, gumtree etc.) So they couldnt go there even if he would have them, which he never did anyway as he preferred keeping them down here and seeing them in my place then going home when he had enough. He didnt want to take them. So not even sure how contact would work.

OP posts:
TriciaH87 · 19/03/2019 18:58

Sorry but the op is correct here. If a person treats their child like a toy and picks them up when it suits then walks away and keeps that child dangling like a yoyo on a piece of string you cut the f**king string so the child can be happy. My son was treated like this by his father. I warned him you walk out again your done. He went. When my son turned 5 he asked to see his dad. I contacted him n let him back in 2 months later he walked out again its been 7 years without seeing him. No cards nothing. I do the decent thing and tell my child he can see him if he would like but at 12 my son is far more grown up than his biological father. His answer is he has two parents who love him at home and he does not want to see a person who could not be bothered with him. Keep doing what your doing OP. Just give your children the choice once they are a bit older.

GPatz · 19/03/2019 19:05

Worried2019 What is disgraceful is a man who hasn't seen or paid for his children for two year, and expects to waltz back into their life. His ex has had to deal with two children with disabilities! How disgusting is it that he simply washed his hands of them!

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 19/03/2019 19:06

OP if I were you I’d email back and say that moving forward if he wants to be apart of the children’s lives then supervised access in a contact centre would be the next steps.

Your not refusing him contact, if he wants contact then he works for it, it is then his responsibility to build up a relationship with the children’s.

Also contact is for the children not for the father, irregardless of his PR

flirtygirl · 19/03/2019 19:09

It's far worse for a child to be picked up then dropped.

It leaves an awful feeling of not being good enough. Their parent didn't bother with them or visit when they said they would or give a damn in between their long absences.
It's horrible.

Ignore worried in her high horse. Her kids will end up resenting her for visits that don't happen or are far and few between.

Op you are definitely doing the right thing. Especially as the kids would not know who he even is.

TheFunkyFox · 19/03/2019 19:11

I’m having this issue atm. Ex husband hasn’t seen them in nearly 2 years. No Xmas/birthday presents or cards or anything. No child support either. But he emails once a Sunday to ask “whatbare the kids upto”. Never replies back to me and I’m sure he does if to make himself feel better.
My two are 9 and 11 though and don’t want anything to do with him or his new gf.

Except his mum rang me last week and asked if they could have the kids and take them to xh. I was so caught off gaurd (unknown number) I said yes. Now the kids are fuming with me and don’t want to go! Dd has asked if I can say she’s sick the day before😩🙈

I don’t know what to do!

maddiemookins16mum · 19/03/2019 19:12

What was he like when you had your first two, before the last two were born?

Blessingsdragon1 · 19/03/2019 19:13

Agree with Haud - contact center - you are under no obligation to facilitate this but it is better if you don't actively 'block' it either. He will do nothing x

ScruffGin · 19/03/2019 19:16

I'd ignore the email completely. If he persists, suggest court and a contract centre, obviously after maintenance has been paid... I bet he won't come back again!

Original poster
Bobbycat121 · 19/03/2019 20:39

maddiemookins16mum

He had a mental break down after the 3rd child, he is mentally unwell and has been sectioned in the past (another reason for my lack of trust) He has been sectioned twice but this is when he hasnt been in my life so im not that sure on the details. He wasnt like this until then, alot of it is down to MH but it is not an excuse. I tried to help him and support him at first but he wouldnt accept there was anything wrong. I always thought he has depression but it seemed to become worse and he became extremely paranoid and honeslty I believe he was/is suffering from schizophrenia.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 20/03/2019 07:28

Honestly OP, make him go to court for access. You're instincts are spot on, protect your children.

Stawp · 20/03/2019 07:41

I think it's worse in my own experience to have a parent show up randomly when they want to play parent then ignore you the rest of the time.

Kids need routine and stability, ignore his email.

Mumshappy · 20/03/2019 07:47

He would need to prove consistency and support in my eyes. Tell him hes to pay maintenance and arrange supervised access in a contact centre. If he really wants to be in their lives he will do this. Leave the ball in his court.