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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be repulsed by sex?

58 replies

ThePriceOfSugar · 17/03/2019 10:17

I'm in a new relationship (2 months) with a 10/10 kind of man. Very romantic, kind, highly educated, and so handsome that strangers comment on it to me. We have great conversations for hours at a time and spend time together most days.

But when it comes to sex, I am completely uninterested. I don't even like kissing him. I'm not gay or asexual and he is not bad by any means, but I just don't want to do it. It feels exploitative when he says we need to "up our game" and do it more. After sex, I can't help but be cold and turn away like he's taken something I wasn't willing to give. I only want to do it when we've been drinking.

He's rightly confused and hurt by my lack of interest. It's causing problems already in the otherwise very nice relationship.

I have accepted money for sex in the past (curiosity about the sugar baby phenomenon in university) and wonder if this has something to do with it.

How can I solve this? Or should I just cut his losses and move on?

OP posts:

BooksAreMyOnlyFriends · 17/03/2019 10:23

Skmetbing is missing. Maybe you just don't actually fancy him? There's more to attraction than being handsome, kind and educated.

MRex · 17/03/2019 10:24

Maybe you don't fancy him. Somebody can be theoretically attractive but just not sexy to you.

BooksAreMyOnlyFriends · 17/03/2019 10:24

*something

Lifeisabeach09 · 17/03/2019 10:26

You need counselling or psychotherapy to help address this issue. (Have you been like this with all your partners?)

In the meantime, I'd cut him loose. It's not fair to remain in a relationship with someone you don't want sexually.

Stormyday · 17/03/2019 10:30

If you don’t want to do it don’t. But I think you should end it if you are not attracted to him. What has your sex drive been like with previous partners?

ODGU · 17/03/2019 10:35

I know exactly how you feel.

I have a somewhat chequered past not too dissimilar from your own, I've got 'issues' with sex as a result of it.

Not sure what to suggest because it's something I struggle with myself but I'd advise telling your boyfriend that you do have some intimacy issues stemming from things in your past (you don't need to elaborate at this early stage) and reassure him in the interim that he isn't the problem and it's not because of anything he's doing wrong. He can decide whether or not he's prepared to take things slowly whilst you address what issues you have.

I think therapy is a good place to start and I intend to go down that route in the near future.

MegaClutterSlut · 17/03/2019 10:36

Are you on the pill at all? the only reason I ask because whilst on the pill I was completely uninterested in dh in that way

Lweji · 17/03/2019 10:39

It looks like there's no sexual chemistry and you should be friends or you feel pushed to have sex.

Do you get turned on otherwise?

TheVanguardSix · 17/03/2019 10:39

Has this reared its head in other relationships?

I had this with one man (the only relationship I've had where I really felt the way you're describing). I think I was wanting it to work with someone who, fundamentally, was not right for me. We had such a laugh together and really, to this day, I look back and can honestly say we had very good parts to our relationship. But it was odd. I felt almost exploited after sex with him and he did nothing untoward in the least. The sex was actually very good, healthy sex on the face of things. And before him, I'd been in loving relationships, a couple of them not so loving but not bad either. I'll truly never understand why, but every part of me felt totally repelled by him after sex (and he was gorgeous). I got into a relationship with him though when I wasn't over my ex and I believe that had a lot to do with it. I felt like I was cheating on the man I loved, a man I was no longer in a relationship with but hadn't let go of. When I finally got over the ex, I didn't yearn for the guy I felt repelled by. I found love with someone new and it felt thoroughly right. Never had that feeling of repulsion again. Maybe you need to make room for a new person to come into your life, OP. Perhaps you need to process some stuff before getting into a relationship. What was your previous one like?

Sometimes, it really is just body and soul telling you, "This isn't right". Don't flog a dead horse.

ElspethFlashman · 17/03/2019 10:40

He's clearly confused and is hoping this is just an "early days" issue. But it's not. And it's hugely unfair to be essentially dating him under false pretences. And it's also hugely unfair to go cold on him afterwards without explaining why. That's a head melter.

You are stringing him along. He is a sexual being and you don't like sex. You are fundamentally incompatible and all you're going to do is wreck his head even more over the next few months.

oneforthepain · 17/03/2019 10:40

It feels exploitative when he says we need to "up our game" and do it more. After sex, I can't help but be cold and turn away like he's taken something I wasn't willing to give.

Well, if you didn't want to have sex but did because you were pressured into it (wtf kind of conversation is "we need to up our game"? Holy hell) then it would make perfect sense for you to feel like that. He doesn't sound interested in your needs or your feelings.

so handsome that strangers comment on it to me

Okaaaay, what's your point?

He's rightly confused and hurt by my lack of interest.

Confused ok, but hurt? Rightly? Nope. You've been in a relationship for two months, one that sounds more than a little intense for only two months, and he's "hurt" you don't want to have sex? And his response is about "upping [your] game"?

That's just weird. Doesn't sound kind or romantic.

I do agree you might benefit from professional support around your feelings on sex and relationships, and what's healthy in a relationship, what respect looks like, what consent is, etc.

oneforthepain · 17/03/2019 10:42

I think I was wanting it to work with someone who, fundamentally, was not right for me.

Yes, this is how the beginning of your op comes across to me.

americandream · 17/03/2019 10:51

You lost me at 'strangers come up to me and say how gorgeous my boyfriend is.'

OneStepSideways · 17/03/2019 10:54

Do you enjoy kissing him? Do you like his natural body scent? It may be a chemistry thing. There's a theory that women are sexually attracted to men whose DNA is a good match for reproducing.

Did you enjoy sex with previous partners?

Boysey45 · 17/03/2019 10:55

Cut your losses and move on OP, hes not for you and you cant force yourself to fancy someone. You either do or you don't.
Just be by yourself for a bit and wait till you find someone that you are attracted to sexually.
I'd personally spend the £50 plus per week on other things not counselling, but if you think it would benefit you then give it a try. Whatever leave him or you will make yourself sick.

MirriVan · 17/03/2019 10:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Borderterrierpuppy · 17/03/2019 10:56

Chemistry
You don’t match on that level.

PregnantSea · 17/03/2019 11:01

Sounds like you don't fancy him. You can't force that kind of thing, it's either there or it's not.

Also sounds like maybe you have intimacy issues as PPs have suggested

Lovemusic33 · 17/03/2019 11:02

Sounds like your past may be effecting what’s going on, my past effects me greatly. Maybe get some counselling?

Other than that all I can think of is that there’s no chemistry between you, have you felt like this with other men or just him?

Huskylover1 · 17/03/2019 11:05

You need to end this relationship, and get help.

Tinkobell · 17/03/2019 11:06

I'd agree with the other posters that suggest ending the relationship and do get counselling. I wonder if receiving money for sex in the past has damaged you and you just can't feel a desire from within anymore. I'm sure it's fixable in time with the right support but it sounds to me like you need help and for any sex to be initiated on your own terms in the future and not somebody else's....least not for a while. Don't be unfair to the guy, end it and get help.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 17/03/2019 11:08

Unless this is an issue that you've had with previous partners too, I think it's probably just that you don't fancy him. It's great that he's objectively handsome (in the opinion of strangers anyway) but that doesn't mean that you have to fancy him. Some people won't do it for you regardless of how attractive they are generally.

Boysey45 · 17/03/2019 11:12

Also he has a cheek saying we need to up our game. You've only just started seeing him and its perfectly reasonable for you not to have sex if you don't want to. You have no obligations to this man at all.

Original poster

ThePriceOfSugar · 17/03/2019 11:18

Thank you for your thoughtful replies. I am on the pill and have been since I was 17. My libido definitely decreased with that.

I have been sexually attracted to my previous partners. My last relationship in particular was super erotic and satisfying, but ended traumatically. I guess this contributed to my current state too.

I posted because I really want this new relationship to work out. The present and the future are really positive with him on paper, but the sex thing is holding me back. I want to believe it's fixable.

OP posts:

Tinkobell · 17/03/2019 11:23

If you have genuine feelings for him and you think those are shared; come clean with him at least and tell him about the last traumatic ending and get help. If he's a nice guy he will stick around and see what happens but it wouldn't be fair to have him think your lack of desire is all down to him, would it?

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