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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be repulsed by sex?

58 replies

ThePriceOfSugar · 17/03/2019 10:17

I'm in a new relationship (2 months) with a 10/10 kind of man. Very romantic, kind, highly educated, and so handsome that strangers comment on it to me. We have great conversations for hours at a time and spend time together most days.

But when it comes to sex, I am completely uninterested. I don't even like kissing him. I'm not gay or asexual and he is not bad by any means, but I just don't want to do it. It feels exploitative when he says we need to "up our game" and do it more. After sex, I can't help but be cold and turn away like he's taken something I wasn't willing to give. I only want to do it when we've been drinking.

He's rightly confused and hurt by my lack of interest. It's causing problems already in the otherwise very nice relationship.

I have accepted money for sex in the past (curiosity about the sugar baby phenomenon in university) and wonder if this has something to do with it.

How can I solve this? Or should I just cut his losses and move on?

OP posts:
Tinkobell · 17/03/2019 11:27

Look. This is just a personal thing but if I was with someone and they said "Up our game" I wouldn't find that a real turn on. Maybe it's just a subtlety of syntax but those words sound sort of competitive and pressured. That wouldn't work for me. "I really want you" or "can't wait to be together" would be ...well more exciting!

StoppinBy · 17/03/2019 11:33

2 months in to a r/ship is early to even be sleeping together so i don't know where he gets off thinking that you are not having enough sex.

It sounds to me like it was too much too soon and it is the expectation of sex rather than the actual sex that is a turn off, avoiding any foreplay activity like kissing is a way of avoiding sex if that is where it always leads.

If you wanted to stay in the r/ship but want to cool things sexually it would not be unreasonable to take sex off the table for as long as needed while you work out where you are otherwise, just be honest and communicate how you feel, if he is in it for the long run he will accept it and if he takes off well you know where you stood anyway.

JinglingHellsBells · 17/03/2019 11:38

You are over-intellectualising it all. You want this to work cos he ticks the 'right' boxes for a partner- BUT-

Compatibility is more about 'tick boxes' of the kind you list.

Your first post is a give-away- you say he's this that and the other- but not that you want to tear his clothes off .

It's ridiculous that someone above has said 'two months in and your sleeping together'. FFS this is the 21stC- many couples have sex on dat 1 or at least after half a dozen dates.

I know what he means by 'up your game' though that's a weird use of language if it exactly what he said.

I guess what he means is he wants to have hot mind-blowing sex which is what a lot of couples are doing in the first flush of lust.

You sound very young- early 20s maybe? How old is he?

You are just not that into him- despite his good character traits.

Leave him- it's not fair on him.

SheSaidNoFuckThat · 17/03/2019 11:42

It can work out on paper as much as you like, but unless you actually have chemistry etc there's no point. It's a relationship not a business proposal

TatianaLarina · 17/03/2019 11:43

I have been sexually attracted to my previous partners. My last relationship in particular was super erotic and satisfying, but ended traumatically. I guess this contributed to my current state too

It sounds like a subconscious form of self-protection.

And also maybe you just don’t fancy him.

JinglingHellsBells · 17/03/2019 11:47

@thepriceofsugar

I think your past experience of being paid for sex so it equals a transaction and you felt emotionally detached, is a red herring.

Possibly!

You know the difference between real love and being a call girl/ escort/ prostitute.

If you don't and feel men are using you no matter how 'nice' they seem, then you need psychotherapy if your previous behaviour has left you damaged.

The fact a man is kind, good looking, romantic and you can talk for hours, does not mean you are compatible. Your guts are not engaged- you are choosing him with your head.

RosemarysBush · 17/03/2019 11:47

Do you think you’ve moved on since your last relationship?

category12 · 17/03/2019 11:57

You've got a boyfriend but you don't fancy him. So ditch. It shouldn't be this hard. And having sex you don't want to have will make things worse.

busybarbara · 17/03/2019 11:57

2 months in to a r/ship is early to even be sleeping together so i don't know where he gets off thinking that you are not having enough sex.

Agreed. Without being graphic I would have "opinions" about someone already having sex that early into a relationship, it has clearly been rushed. You need to get to know each other first.

BeersAndBassGuitars · 17/03/2019 12:01

I posted because I really want this new relationship to work out. The present and the future are really positive with him on paper, but the sex thing is holding me back. I want to believe it's fixable.

The problem is that you're just not that into him.

You can't force a relationship just because you think it will work on paper. He deserves to be with someone who is sexually attracted to him and not with someone who just thinks that, together, they could have a 'good future'.

BeersAndBassGuitars · 17/03/2019 12:02

busybarbara

You think 2 months is too soon in a relationship for adults to be having sex?

Why on earth would you think that?

I'd rather know if I was sexually incompatible with someone before I became too emotionally attached, to be perfectly honest with you!

americandream · 17/03/2019 12:04

I am stunned at the '2 months into a relationship is too early to be shagging' comments!

I have read sooooooo many threads on here where posters say it's normal and very common to shag by the third date! And that you're a bit weird if you haven't by at least the fifth date!!!

I know someone will say 'there are loads of posters on here, and those same posters may not be on this thread' but that's a cop out IMO. I always see posters on threads (about how soon you shag a new partner,) claiming they shagged their partner within the first week, (many on the first date!) and they are still together 5-10 years later etc etc etc.

Weird! The mind boggles. Confused

DemelzaPoldarksshinerrefiner · 17/03/2019 12:05

Sign up to speak to a sex therapist - the traumatic ending of erotic affair sounds much more relevant than curiosity over the sugar daddy phenomonon imo.

MIA12 · 17/03/2019 12:07

You just aren’t that into him. No matter how good he looks on paper, and in person, you can’t control whether you have a chemical attraction. I don’t think there’s any coming back from someone you feel repulsed by, especially when the relationship is so new and should be exciting and fun.

tennisracquet · 17/03/2019 12:16

Have you googled Attachment Styles? It sounds as if you might be avoidantly attached. This theoretically ideal man is offering you intimacy which my result in a close, long term relationship, and you feel appalled. This is something that happens in childhood but does not have to happen forever. Counselling, or just reading up about it, and then taking it slowly with a kind person can rewire your attachment style.

Of course it could also be your body telling you to get out, I don't know enough to say, and I am definitely not saying you are "at fault" in any way. I don't like the slightly pressuring-sounding "up our game"

supersop60 · 17/03/2019 12:22

"up our game" - yuk.
I echo previous posters - you just don't fancy him. If you are not desperate to tear his clothes of this early in a relationship, then you probably never will be.
It would be better for you both to end it and find someone more compatible.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 17/03/2019 12:24

Agreed. Without being graphic I would have "opinions" about someone already having sex that early into a relationship, it has clearly been rushed. You need to get to know each other first

Is this serious? Confused

JinglingHellsBells · 17/03/2019 12:31

I too cannot believe people are raising eyebrows at sex after 2 months.

Most people I know got down to it within the first few dates.

If you are adults, consenting and fancy each other, why not?

Foxmuffin · 17/03/2019 12:39

Sounds like the chemistry isn’t there!

Original poster
ThePriceOfSugar · 17/03/2019 12:46

:( the verdict seems pretty clear. I guess I'll give the relationship a little more time to prove itself, but I get that it's probably a chemical thing. The guy is completely different to my usual type, so it makes sense.

OP posts:
yanboo · 17/03/2019 12:53

Just curious - have you told him about the being paid for sex in the past bit? Or are you going to leave that umm... in the past?

Jaxhog · 17/03/2019 13:56

Unfortunately, we can't control who we are attracted to. Maybe it's a matter of the pheremones just not being right. The only fair thing to do, is to end it.

BlimeyCalmDown · 17/03/2019 13:58

I think you need to explain to him then otherwise you may lose him anyway (and then get help of course)

Flowers
Missingstreetlife · 17/03/2019 14:04

A couple of sessions at relate could help you work out if it's in your head. You can go alone. If not jack it in. Not worth it in a new relationship, if you were married years might be worth persevering.

MirriVan · 17/03/2019 14:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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