To feel so sad for this little boy?

[ODGU]

An (old) friend is expecting her first baby with her husband who already has a seven year old son from a previous marriage.

On the surface friend comes across as a good step parent ('if a bit performance parenty on social media') but has become increasingly negative about her step son behind the scenes, to the extent I'd say she's being very cruel.

She is forever complaining about him saying what a little @%$! he is, calling him names (to others) and mocking his appearance (for example his clothes or haircut). She's also making pre conceived assumptions that he's going to end up homosexual because he's very feminine, whiny and a mummies boy and complaining to her H about him being around so often and how H babies him.

She's seemingly oblivious or doesn't care that the new baby news may be impacting his behaviour and he might be feeling a little insecure and pushed out.

Friend doesn't like the boys mother which I believe is a catalyst to her attitude towards the son, but the boys mother is oblivious and believes then get on well and have a good relationship.

My feelings toward said friend have began to sour as I can't condone the way she's speaking about an innocent little boy (as a mother of a very sensitive DS I feel terribly sad for him) and i feel he's only going to be further demonized and pushed aside once her baby arrives if she has her way.

I don't know her H well but from what I can tell he's a good father who wouldn't stand for this sort of thing if he were totally in the loop, but she leads him to believe she loves his son very much.

Would you say something to her in defence of the child, say something to the child's mother, or should I mind my own business? I don't like confrontation but feel so sorry for him.

@snowball28 But surely if there was bad behaviour, his stepmum would have been only too eager to tell her friend about it, to justify her animosity towards the boy? But she doesn't do that, she mocks his appearance, suggesting he'll end up gay (surely a homophobic comment as well?).

I really can’t answer that, I don’t know the woman, her behaviour traits or expected behaviour. Maybe she would of maybe she wouldn’t. Only her (or OP) can possibly answer that.

I simply asked a question which is evidenced if you read my posts, OP answered it until she did answer it I had no idea. Just because she hadn’t written it in her original post doesn’t mean it wasn’t a factor so therefore I simply asked. OP said she didn’t know, so that leads me to believe it’s stemming from elsewhere which again I’ve mentioned in my posts and offered solutions and practical suggestions.

I never usually bother responding to nonsense but when I’ve clearly said the behaviour is not okay and I don’t condone it at all and someone says I am simply because I asked a question, that’s not on.

This is so sad, and utterly disgusting. You really must find a way to let the father, and preferably also the mother, know.

My friend's brother remarried after the death of his wife. Hearing how the new wife treated his very young children, especially after the birth of their new joint child sickened me. I can't remember how it all came to a head/what the turning point was, but the father thankfully eventually came to his senses and divorced the step-monster. Last I heard he was seeking full custody of the joint child.

This is such a sad thread @ODGU

Unfortunately I don't think it's that uncommon. My Ex married after we separated and his wife was a nasty piece of work towards DS ( who was 7 at the time). He was going through a tough time behaviour wise but he didn't deserve the treatment he got from her. Took me a long time to get out of him what was wrong. I then made it clear to my Ex that DS was not to be left in her care. Things did calm down after that time but DS was never really happy until they eventually split up when he was 12. Even now she still talks in a derogatory way about him.

On the back of that I've ended up particularly sensitive about children and step parent relationships. I had a friend - almost best friend- who was nasty about her youngest step son. Never had a nice word to say about him, would encourage her DH to cancel contact. He was always in the way, wasn't as perfect as her DS etc. Suffice to say I said something ( along the " please don't say stuff about him to me, it is upsetting ") and we now don't talk. Suits me, I don't need friends who think talking about innocent children like that is acceptable.

Please send any messages you have to the little boys mum, I'd want to know if he was my son x

To be honest.. i would send screenshots to the father at least and the mother too.

I know that’s very confrontational and will cause drama. But what if she says anything along these lines to the actual child while his dads not around? She may have been being cruel to his face behind his dads back for years and if so you need to stop that.

I would absolutely NEED to know if someone so close to the family was being so cruel about one of my children possibly to their face.
Are you not worried she’s being curled to him in person too? I can’t inagine how bad it’ll be when the new baby comes.

This is a pivotal time in a child’s life and i wouldn’t want it to be shaped by this women at all.

Show both parents.

I would screenshot the fuck out of her messages, then tell her what a cunt she is and block her. Then I would send the evidence to the mother and the father.

Who the fuck does she think she is

Another one whose stepmum was insanely jealous of their (dead) mum and got very weird, over protective and hostile when her own children were born. Me and my sibling both left before we were 18. We have both been affected by how we were treated. My half-sibling has also struggled in life partly due to their upbringing.

Please do something. Please tell her it's not acceptable and tell the parents. She doesn't have to love him as her own but she doesn't have to be horrible about him either. Hi

Please send the messages. My sisters ex mil is crap but she stepped up to tell my sister when her exes girlfriend (and ex allowing! ) was treating her dd terribly, making her anxious and stealing clothes that my sister sent with dd. My sister stopped contact and could protect her dd.

Can you call the husband?

I'd absolutely tell the boys mother.

First I think you need to tell this friend it's out of order the way she behaves , how would she like it if someone spoke like that to her child ? It's disgusting this is a young child not a teenager or adult which would be just as bad . Tell her if she doesn't stop this poor treatment she will tell his mum & dad .

I'm 50/50 on this.

Yes, ideally as a n adult she should be able to handle this better.
But he could genuinely be a nightmare and her and dh struggle to agree on parenting tactics. It may be that she is super anxious about her pg and upcoming motherhood.

Alternatively, if you really think it is just her being unpleasant and you are prepared to let the friendship go and want both parents to know what she says, you can contact them both via messenger and tell them you are going to add them to your conversation.

The consequences of this though could he horrendous for all of them and cause unnecessary conflict between his mum and dad if mum blames dad for letting this go on etc.

Personally I think I would give her a call for catch up and see how she is then.

Again no excuse, but I wonder if she has preggo rage at the moment...

he could genuinely be a nightmare

He could. In which case, a moan about the child’s behaviour would be appropriate. Mocking a child, name calling etc. is something quite different.

Please do tell this boys mum. He needs as many people in his corner as possible. My daughter is almost 7. She still seems so small and the idea of this happening to her breaks my heart.