To feel so sad for this little boy?

[ODGU]

An (old) friend is expecting her first baby with her husband who already has a seven year old son from a previous marriage.

On the surface friend comes across as a good step parent ('if a bit performance parenty on social media') but has become increasingly negative about her step son behind the scenes, to the extent I'd say she's being very cruel.

She is forever complaining about him saying what a little @%$! he is, calling him names (to others) and mocking his appearance (for example his clothes or haircut). She's also making pre conceived assumptions that he's going to end up homosexual because he's very feminine, whiny and a mummies boy and complaining to her H about him being around so often and how H babies him.

She's seemingly oblivious or doesn't care that the new baby news may be impacting his behaviour and he might be feeling a little insecure and pushed out.

Friend doesn't like the boys mother which I believe is a catalyst to her attitude towards the son, but the boys mother is oblivious and believes then get on well and have a good relationship.

My feelings toward said friend have began to sour as I can't condone the way she's speaking about an innocent little boy (as a mother of a very sensitive DS I feel terribly sad for him) and i feel he's only going to be further demonized and pushed aside once her baby arrives if she has her way.

I don't know her H well but from what I can tell he's a good father who wouldn't stand for this sort of thing if he were totally in the loop, but she leads him to believe she loves his son very much.

Would you say something to her in defence of the child, say something to the child's mother, or should I mind my own business? I don't like confrontation but feel so sorry for him.

If you are thinking of ending hte friendship anyway, for the sake of the boy I'd let her know how you feel about how she's been acting. She may not even realise she has an issue or that she's being out of line. EAsy enough to do if it;s all over text anyway.

I know who the mother is but we don't know one another personally, have never spoken.

I know of her name and a bit about her through 'friend'

Sadly wicked step mothers exist beyond the pages of fairy tales too.
Having watched another SM gradually drive out the young teen to live with GP because she (SM) feels stressed / needs calm etc, it's heart-breaking how a seemingly loving parent can be deceived to the point they reject their own child.
Please, be the protector this poor little chap desperately needs.

Is the mum on fb ?

As above I'd forward all the messages to her DH, she sounds an absolute count of a woman, would she like someone talking about her child like that.

As a mum, the thought of somebody new treating my own like this if I ever split with their father breaks my heart. I don't understand the spite, he's an innocent little boy

There is another thread currently on MN started by the most godawful stepmother to a 12 year old girl. Heartbreaking that people with children are marrying/starting new families with these truly nasty people.

Yes the mum is on Facebook, I looked her up out of curiosity after I posted here

**cunt not count

@talktoo do you have a link to that thread please talk, I haven't seen it but am interested to.

Would definitely tell the mother as well as the father if at all possible. Again, it's (sadly) not that unusual for a parent to stand by as their child is abused, and given that your 'friend' is now pregnant even the best person would feel a bit torn and perhaps paralyzed into inaction. The mother isn't going to have the same potential barriers to make her hesitate about protecting her son.

I don't understand the spite, he's an innocent little boy

In my friend's stepmother's case it was very clearly all about an intense jealousy of his (dead!) mother - she couldn't bear the mention of her. What on earth she was doing starting a relationship with a widower and father when she felt that way - and why he went along with it - will be a mystery that I suppose my friend will never solve.

This thread has made me so sad.

I think her husband should be your first port of call.

Ask her opinions of the step son in carefully worded messaging so that you have all the comments she has made to you in writing then screen shot it to the dad and the mum.

YANBU of course not.

If she talks only about him to you - not to him like this, I'd wait for her next little bitching and name calling session then chip in at the right point with a Whoa there... bit harsh saying that about the poor lad what's he done at you?

She might take the huff or come back with "Well he is a little shit and he is and his Mum_" but I'd say the same thing and bat it back Yeah but even if he is a little shit and his Mum a horrible cow it's not his fault is it? Leave the lad alone Jeez :(

Bizarre how people get into group name-calling about someone which, in a group where the person isn't around to hear it or be upset by it, they get worse cos it's not considered cruel if the person isn't there and doesn't hear what's said.

This old friend might have a similar thing where she's part of the people who routinely get together and bitch and complain about husbands, kids, slag people off thinking it's all in good fun.

If you can give a simple "Oh come on play fair and don't be mean" and she really didn't mean for it to be cruel she's likely to stop. f she's just a horrible cow she might throw a hissy fit and tantrum at you which if she does she does.

I wouldn't get involved, embroiled or start involving the ex and the Dad at all. Keep well clear of that but just a gentle nudge to say "You know this is making you sound and look a right nasty piece of work right? Sat here ripping on your future stepson like you're on the school yard it does not do you any favours"

I'm positive that her negativity towards him is out of insecurity about his ex wife (boys mum) who her H has remained civil with and so co-parents with, with no drama.

If they do happen to disagree over something to do with DSS then she thrives on it and likes the idea of them butting heads.

It seems as though she wants her H and their future as a family but not the 'baggage' (her words) and history that he comes with, like a ready made family and an ex wife.

She's luckier than some, that her H's ex wife is reasonable and friendly towards her and accommodating of her place in her DS's life. I wish I could say the same about my DP's ex, but that's another thread.

I'd love to have the civil relationship that she has with her H's ex, on the surface at least.

If she thinks she has it hard having a H with an ex wife and child then god help her if she divorces this one and meets somebody else who actually does have a cow for an ex wife.

It seems as though she wants her H and their future as a family but not the 'baggage' (her words) and history that he comes with, like a ready made family and an ex wife.

There are a LOT of people like that. 'please ditch your first child so you can be a fully devoted dad to our child'.

If I was the childs mother I would definatley want and have a right to know this is going on. You have to tell the mother.

Can you get in touch with the Dad?

I’d let both the Mum & Dad know what she’s saying & doing. She could really damage this poor wee boy.

Please tell someone. You don’t know how she’s treating this little boy when no one else is around. If she’s malicious enough to say horrible things about a 7 year old then I bet you she’s horrid enough to say things to his face when no one is around to hear her.

I think you have to let the boy's father know. It's abusive.

Just playing devils advocate here (not excusing or condoning her behaviour at all before I get attacked from the mumsnet mob) are you sure he’s an angel that you say he is? Have you ever met him? Everyone thought my step daughter was an angel until I put cameras in the house and caught her on film, hitting, kicking, spitting on me and pushing my at the time baby daughters Moses basket over so she fell onto the hardwood floor and nipping her etc. It was like something out of a horror film and no one believed me.

Or do you think it’s sinply a case of she’s miffed he’s got a past?

Did this only start since she’s been pregnant, could be linked to that? Maybe she needs some therapy or outside intervention.

Honestly I would do some digging and if it turns out she is just being a cow to him cause she’s jealous and insecure then I’d issue an ultimatum, get help and sort it out or you’ll tell his dad.

How she speaks about a little boy has completely altered my opinion of her, I haven't seen such spite in her before and she's not somebody I want as a friend now.

Tell her this.

I've never met her DSS, I moved from our home city some years ago and haven't seen her since. We aren't that close so neither of us have made a point of meeting up, only catching up on the phone every now and then.

I've no idea what his behaviour is actually like, he may well be naughty for all I know but even so I think the type of comments she makes are cruel.

She has always moaned about him to an extent but it has definitely ramped up since she got pregnant. Her baby is due shortly.