To feel so sad for this little boy?

[ODGU]

An (old) friend is expecting her first baby with her husband who already has a seven year old son from a previous marriage.

On the surface friend comes across as a good step parent ('if a bit performance parenty on social media') but has become increasingly negative about her step son behind the scenes, to the extent I'd say she's being very cruel.

She is forever complaining about him saying what a little @%$! he is, calling him names (to others) and mocking his appearance (for example his clothes or haircut). She's also making pre conceived assumptions that he's going to end up homosexual because he's very feminine, whiny and a mummies boy and complaining to her H about him being around so often and how H babies him.

She's seemingly oblivious or doesn't care that the new baby news may be impacting his behaviour and he might be feeling a little insecure and pushed out.

Friend doesn't like the boys mother which I believe is a catalyst to her attitude towards the son, but the boys mother is oblivious and believes then get on well and have a good relationship.

My feelings toward said friend have began to sour as I can't condone the way she's speaking about an innocent little boy (as a mother of a very sensitive DS I feel terribly sad for him) and i feel he's only going to be further demonized and pushed aside once her baby arrives if she has her way.

I don't know her H well but from what I can tell he's a good father who wouldn't stand for this sort of thing if he were totally in the loop, but she leads him to believe she loves his son very much.

Would you say something to her in defence of the child, say something to the child's mother, or should I mind my own business? I don't like confrontation but feel so sorry for him.

He's 7. If he's misbehaving that doesn't justify her attitude in any way.
His father needs to know that the woman he presumably leaves his son with sometimes can't stand him.

Just playing devils advocate here (not excusing or condoning her behaviour at all before I get attacked from the mumsnet mob) are you sure he’s an angel that you say he is?

What exactly do you think a 7 year old might have done that would warrant mocking his hair? It would be different if she was saying that she was struggling to cope with really challenging behaviour but that's not what OP described at all.

If she's like this about the kid, if you want to get involved at all you need to tell the Mum with screenshots, and you need to tell the Dad.

Sadly the chances are high that the Dad will not do anything about it but the Mum will be aware and will hopefully plan how to handle it. -You- can't stop it. But she can try to provide a cushion for the nastiness. That nastiness will get worse when her own child is born :/

My stepmother was this variety of poison. No one could have stopped it but now, in hindsight, I realise a few people saw what was going on and tried to do the best they could. It wasn't much but it did, and still does, make a difference. Please be one of the good people in life.

Yeah they are cruel and immature, I was just saying there’s usually a catalyst for this type of behaviour and I wonder if hers is linked to some kind of pre-natal depression or anxiety?

Which if it is it can be fixed which is best for everyone all round.

Of course it could just be an irrational dislike based on silly or even no reasons, which obviously isn’t okay at all and really she needs to leave her OH if she can’t accept his son. Can’t see it lasting if she’s doing this for no reason, I would hang fire on telling his dad and ask some probing questions I’d just call her and say ‘look I’m worried about you and DSS, what’s going on? Why are you saying these things it’s not normal or okay’ and see how that goes and make it clear you’ll tell her OH if you feel you have no other option.

We need to call out arseholes. If we all called out arseholes, the world would be a better place.

Here we go, can’t ever just ask a fucking question.

What exactly do you think a 7 year old might have done that would warrant mocking his hair? It would be different if she was saying that she was struggling to cope with really challenging behaviour but that's not what OP described at all.

Did I say it was okay? When did I say it was okay to mock his haircut? I didn’t. And I don’t believe it’s okay at all. In fact I said her behaviour isn’t okay, don’t put words in my mouth or deliberately misinterpret what I’ve said, can’t describe how much I’m not in the fucking mood.

I was simply pointing out there may be a reason for this and I wondered if it could be fixed, I didn’t at all condone her behaviour in any way shape or form.

I’m aware OP didn’t describe the the SM was struggling with her DSS behaviour, I simply asked the question. She actually replied that she didn’t know. Therefore of course that’s not what she described as like she says, she doesn’t know.

Speaking as a stepmum, she sounds like an arsehole. Presumably she wouldn’t want anyone talking about her new baby like that, let alone someone who is going to be looking after that child on a regular basis. Screenshot those messages. And tell the father. If he’s too blinded by his cock to care, tell the mother. Please please tell someone. Poor child doesn’t deserve this shit.

"She's scared he will end up homosexual because he is very feminine, whiny and a mummies boy"

As the mother of a gay son I really wish she had said that to me OP. There is so much wrong with that sentence.

I hate her.

Erm, maybe if you 'aren't in the fucking mood' to have anyone question what you say, don't take part in a forum discussion? And yes, saying that there 'may be a reason' for her to mock the appearance of a seven year old is condoning it.

Unanimity here - tell dad and mum, with evidence where possible. I’d be tempted to put the shits up the nasty piece of work and tell her you’re so concerned you’ve reported her to SS for emotional abuse.

Hi OP, I would implore you to do something about this even if it costs you the friendship. She is not worth having as a friend in any event IMO. My now ex-h left me for OW. Our son was 2 at the time. OW has been vile to my son, the fact is she doesn't want him around, he impacts on their life, he doesn't "fit" into her little family unit where she can create an image of her, my ex-h and her son being one happy family. There is a huge backstory to this. However, my DS is now 8, he is also autistic which she has recently accused me of "elevating" . He has on several occasions come home and cried about comments from OW. Rather than make a massive fuss and because he has very limited contact and no overnights, I have chivvied him along and distracted until she started to ramp up her horrible comments about me to DS, out of earshot of his father. She is as sly as fuck. I called her out on it in a message to ex, he obviously spoke to her. The emails I received from her in relation to this told me everything I needed to know and necessitated police involvement such was the bile and threats. I will not stand by and allow my son to be subjected to her jealous, malicious shit. There isn't much I can do because we are under a court order, but contact is limited and I have asked ex-h not to leave DS alone with her. They are relocating and I believe contact will end and quite frankly, I will be relieved. It has caused my DS so much distress, he is an innocent who has suffered because of their shitty, selfish, self centred decisions.

I would do my level best to contact mum, with screenshots and indeed the same with dad. She is going to get worse when the new baby is born. She is clearly resentful of this child and he deserves better. None of this is his fault and it will impact on him. You know that ultimately this is the right thing to do. Good luck

@finding
There's no mention of bad behaviour, it's all snide petty shit.

Give over. You know full well you’re deliberately choosing to insinuating I’m condoning behaviour I’ve said numerous times is not okay simply because you don’t like that I’ve put forward some perfectly reasonable ideas over why this may be happening.

Putting forward ideas and possible solutions is vastly different to saying ‘I think this behaviour is okay’ and you know it.

Please point out to me where I said ‘it is okay for her to mock that boys hairs because she must have a reason’ you can’t because I didn’t say that, don’t try it on.

What I actually said was that there is usually a catalyst for this type of behaviour and with her being pregnant could it be linked to some form of depression or anxiety, how is that condoning anything? Of course it’s not. Get a grip.

Screenshot everything she had said then show his parents it. It's disgusting picking on a child like that, I would be furious.

@TheFormidableMrsC your comment made me really sad, I'm sorry your DS has been treat that way.

Although perhaps not relevant, my DS is being assessed for ASD too and I'm extremely protective of him, in part because of his differences. My worst nightmare would be for him to be subject to cruelty or emotional abuse so I really feel for you.

Good riddance to the witch when she moves and here's to hoping your DS will be far happier without such toxic shit in his life x

I've been speaking to my OH about this too, he said if I want to say something then do it anonymously but that takes any credibility out of my account if I can't provide evidence such as the screenshots, doesn't it?

Looks like I'll have to put myself in the firing line if I want to say something, which I do, so I'm going to.

It’s not uncommon,OP. There are lots of people - of both sexes - who struggle with a partner’s existing children. Certainly, my ex seems to attract them! I would let the mum know so she can try and deal with the issue as well as support her child.

Women of this ilk make me sick. They have no idea of the damage they do. At least, I suspect they must know at some level but consider it reasonable if it helps them get what they want.

Why don't you tell her husband to go look himself at her Social Media so he can read it himself.

I've known a couple of people like this who seem to become very jealous of SC when they have their first DC. One even said she wouldn't care if they died in an accident. I was horrified and have avoided spending time with since. Another one took the little boys pictures down slowly but surely and it wasn't long till he stopped coming round. She also mocked his appearance. This was a 5 year old boy! Its horrible and reveals and not very nice person.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/3535104-I-feel-like-a-horrible-person-but-I-cannot-STAND-my-step-daughter
Here's the link to the previously mentioned thread.
Poor little boy, hope that you can help him.

Looks like that thread has been taken down for review by MNHQ

I would tell the mother if you can.

I've known three men who have allowed their children from a previous relationship to be treated appallingly by their new partner, so I wouldn't be so sure the father is unaware of what is going on. In all three cases none of the children now have any contact with their father, and for good reason.

You have proof you have texts/msgs, send these to her husband.

@ODGU I appreciate your lovely comments, I am sorry you're facing a diagnosis too...although hopefully you will find things much easier when you have one...doors open etc. My DS is what is described as "high functioning" but it's still bloody hard work as I am sure you know! As I said, there is a massive, long backstory to my situation but essentially her hatred of me and indeed how much my DS looks like me has made a difference, that is my opinion anyway. He's not a cutesy blonde haired teeny toddler anymore and is perfectly able to speak up...she doesn't like it. She chose to move 400 miles away...I am sure there was a method in her madness in that respect . What galls me is that ex-h abandoned DS...but when OW's friends found out there was child he wasn't seeing, it was embarrassing for her so ex took me to court for contact...and that is a whole other story from hell. Suffice to say, they didn't get anything like what they wanted so now it's all inconvenient and they can't show off the whole "blended family" bollocks and have most likely had to explain why my ex-h has such very limited and no overnight contact. Anyway, I've banged on enough about that, I wish you luck with your DS and his diagnosis and hope that it brings you the help you need.

In terms of your DH's comments about anonymity, I kind of get his drift with it, but you can't do this effectively without putting yourself into the firing line and if I were you, I most certainly would. Somebody has to advocate for this little lad, even if he IS a bit of a shit at times (what 7 year old isn't?). You can do this!

Oh @ODGU I know this must be such a difficult situation for you but I think you have to say something even if it ends the friendship. I know I couldn’t like someone very much if they were doing this anyway. Please please please for the sake of this little boy call her out on it.