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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell the truth straight up

51 replies

Billy02 · 16/03/2019 10:14

really need some advice and have name changed for this.
Person A has 2 children and id pregnant with third, has a partner.
A has never had a steady life, must be carrying lots of baggage and i feel so sorry for them.

A lives in squalor so I'm told. The house stinks, there are cat faeces and stuff splashed up the walls, never been cleaned off.
No carpets on the floor etc , and in need of a whole deep clean, plus some.

Anyone who sees A just gossips behind her back, none of them tell her I suppose they don't want to upset her.
She doesn't neglect her kids, she worships them, and loves them so much.

I don't live close enough to just pop over for tea, I'm told I wouldn't want to drink out of the cups anyway.
Should I go over say my bit and offer to clean the whole house, I thought maybe do it with her and show her how to do it and a reasonable standard, I'm not perfect and have a mess sometimes, but never as bad as this sounds.
Even though we aren't close I love A and want to help her rather than judge her.
All suggestions welcome.

OP posts:

Ellisandra · 16/03/2019 10:19

I can guarantee that A knows exactly how to clean.

And if you clean up, a week later it will look the same.

If you want to help A, you’d be better off assessing the cause and not the result.

Maybe what she needs is a regular babysitter so she gets a break. Or a supportive friend to encourage counselling.

Swooping in, cleaning it, “telling it like it is” will quite likely just be a judgment that makes her feel crap.

I know you’re well meaning, but this really won’t be because she doesn’t know it’s a mess, or doesn’t know one end of a mop from another.

Caselgarcia · 16/03/2019 10:19

If she is struggling, yes I think that's a nice idea. You could phrase it along the lines ' now you're pregnant and getting tired easily, would it help for me to come round and help with the housework?, it could be fun just the two of us'.

Ellisandra · 16/03/2019 10:20

And you’ve never even been to her house! On that basis, I really don’t think you’re close enough to her to be telling the truth straight up.

ScreamingValenta · 16/03/2019 10:23

I think Caselgarcia's suggestion is really good.

CircleofWillis · 16/03/2019 10:24

what Ellisandra said.

chickensub · 16/03/2019 10:25

Living in squalor with cat faeces is neglect.

You can't clean her house and expect it to stay that way if she's used to living like that. She needs ongoing support. Call ss if you're concerned that living conditions are in fact that bad.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 16/03/2019 10:26

How patronising! Unless A has learning diffciculties she knows her house is dirty and knows how to clean it. She doesn’t need to be shown how to clean. You could offer to give her a hand to clean it if she wants that but otherwise but stay out of it. Also, you have no idea if any of what you’ve heard is true. It may be someone being a nasty gossipy cunt. You don’t seem close enough to A to be involved anyway.

lboogy · 16/03/2019 10:27

@Ellisandra has said it allows

lboogy · 16/03/2019 10:27

All *

screamifyouwant · 16/03/2019 10:28

And if you clean up, a week later it will look the same.
It may be that she doesn't know where to start or chooses to ignore. Or maybe she doesn't care prefers to spend her time with her kids rather than cleaning. It doesn't sound pleasant and it makes you think if you were honest how could she me offended she must realise .
Some people are super house proud others are not but the cat faeces
You could offer to help and say the cat faeces is not very hygienic it needs to be cleaned. Some people are clueless .

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 16/03/2019 10:28

'The truth' as per all the local gossips you mean?

You've never even been to her house but think that you should be the person to deliver the news to her face that her house and kids need a wash?

VioletCharlotte · 16/03/2019 10:29

It's difficult to answer this without understanding what your relationship is with person A. You say you've never been to their house, so I don't think you can really offer to help her clean without first hand experience of what her situation is. It sounds like you really care about her and want to help, so I would suggest getting to know her better, inviting her to your house, meeting for coffee. If you can build a good friendship with her, she may open up to you about what's going on and you'll be better places to offer assistance.

Original poster

Billy02 · 16/03/2019 10:45

I've never been to her house and haven't seen A for about 11 years, then I only bumped into her.
i really do love her and nobody has really ever been there for her. Her dad thought he was doing best by her, but he didn't really put her first.
her own mother has a difficult/ not close relationship and A was abandoned by her when a baby.
I've never been able to help A as lived opposite side of country, now I'm an hour away.
I know it's bad because family have told me, I thought one was exaggerating, but others went and said the same.
I just want to help A, but take on board, I can't swoop in.

OP posts:

LikeACowsOpinion · 16/03/2019 10:45

If someone who had never been to my home turned up because someone told them it was a tip, 'told me how it is' and said they were going to show me how to clean to a reasonable standard; they wouldn't be getting past the front mat.

You may be well-meaning but it's coming across very patronising and 'I know best'.

If you haven't seen for yourself and are just going on the say so of the insidious gossipers then I think you'd be best off leaving it until you've had a chance to look.

If you 'love' A and feel as though she's struggling, make time to go and see her at her home.
But don't have an ulterior motive and don't be one of those 'I tell it how it is and if you don't like it, tough' people because she'll sense it from a mile off (then whatever friendship you have will be as good as over.)

ILoveMaxiBondi · 16/03/2019 10:54

A has managed without you rescuing her for 11 years. I think she’s fine.

JaneEyre07 · 16/03/2019 10:59

If you're that concerned, phone the NSPCC and report your concerns so she can get proper help?

Namechange8471 · 16/03/2019 11:01

If you've never been in the house how do you know?

Could all be nasty gossip

Missingstreetlife · 16/03/2019 11:04

Are you related? You could make a friend of her first otherwise it's a bit patronising

IHateUncleJamie · 16/03/2019 11:04

Why don’t you go and see for yourself first, before stepping in and saying anything? As you now live near enough, why wouldn’t you ask if you can visit to see how she is? Then come away and decide if you need to either offer help or speak to the NSPCC. At the moment you’re just listening to other people’s gossipy opinions.

IncrediblySadToo · 16/03/2019 11:05

What is your relationship to her?

What relationship to you both are the family that do visit her and why haven’t they got her help?

BeersAndBassGuitars · 16/03/2019 11:08

Living in squalor with cat faeces is neglect.

This.

I've never been to her house and haven't seen A for about 11 years, then I only bumped into her. i really do love her and nobody has really ever been there for her.

Back off. You don't love her. You haven't seen her for 11 years and you've never been to her house. Take off your rose tinted spectacles and your shining armour. How incredibly patronising to assume that this woman, whatever the reasons for her current living conditions, will want someone she barely knows, yet claims to love her , swooping in and making herself feel better in this way.

She's not your project.

If you genuinely care/are concerned, call the NSPCC as someone else suggested. They will be able to support her.

carrotflinger · 16/03/2019 11:08

If you haven't seen her for 11 years you can't really swoop in on a rescue mission based on some gossip.

It would be better if you visited her to catch up and see how she is doing etc. without wading in and trying to teach her how to clean.

mrsrhodgilbert · 16/03/2019 11:08

Sounds to me that she could be a relative and you could perhaps arrange to visit and see for yourself first. You sound kind but there might be more to it than you can deal with alone. I’ve read threads on here from women who had very chaotic childhoods and wished someone had taken an interest at the time so I say go and see.

Ellisandra · 16/03/2019 11:10

I’m curious about how much you “love” A, when you’ve not made the effort to see her in 11 years - which sounds like it also covers the births of her first two children?

The best thing you can do for her right now is visit (if she even wants you to?) but forgetting all notion of cleaning. Just go, treat her like a normal friend, arrive straight from Starbucks coffee in hand if you’re worried about her kettle/cups. Honestly, I do that with my cousin - I have first hand experience of not wanting to drink there!

If you are concerned for her children then by all means contact SS with your own knowledge, not gossip.

My cousin’s place makes me shudder - a week of washing up in cold filthy scummy water, encrusted food. Spilled popcorn on floor for days. Cat faeces on floor / wall around the litter box. Bedrooms with so much stuff on the floor that you can’t see the carpet - I’m not exaggerating.

Her kids are never in dirty clothes, and they shower and wash hair every day. The plates stack up, but the food is served on clean plates.

She loves them and cares brilliantly for them. She has anxiety and depression and it takes all her energy to parent and keep her shit together at work. She hasn’t the physical or mental energy to do anything but the minimum of housework.

musicposy · 16/03/2019 11:10

I'd leave well alone.

I always remember a few weeks after I'd had DD1, two friends came round who were at that time childless. The house was a pit, literally dirty dishes stacked to above eye level in the kitchen, hoovering not done for weeks and weeks. I just couldn't keep on top of it.

They said "we know it's hard having a baby but you really should get it cleaner than this. Would you like us to clean the house for you?"

I said no. The judgement I felt was awful. Because they didn't know how hard it was, didn't have a clue about my life. It sounds odd but I didn't want it cleaned by someone else. I wanted to one day be in the position where life wasn't so exhausting that I could do it myself.

For years the house was dire. You wouldn't have wanted to eat or drink at mine either, though weirdly none of us were ever ill (I've always been picky about handwashing etc). I look back at photos now from when the girls were young and we all say "look at how messy the house is!" But you know what, my girls say they had a wonderful childhood. They were adored and I always wanted to play with them and have fun doing stuff - I couldn't see the point in wasting their precious childhood cleaning. They are almost grown up now, one at home, one at uni. The house got cleaner over the years and now it's immaculate- I have the time to do it.

I'm still friends with the two who came round. We all agree my house used to be dire but they say they were wrong to be so judgemental. Be friends, have fun together, but don't suggest you clean up her house.

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