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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To no longer tell MIL about DDs medical issue

54 replies

flothatchicken · 15/03/2019 10:18

DD is 2 and has a medical issue that we are hoping surgery will resolve in a couple of months time. But we don't know what the outcome of that will be and it could lead to much more surgical and non surgical intervention.

We live in a small town, a place where everyone knows everyone's business which is something I've always disliked about the area. MIL is a bit of a gossip in all honesty and will constantly be saying "don't tell them that I told you but blah blah blah". I've told her that I don't want to know if they've asked her to keep it to herself but she doesn't see a problem with it.

I've found out from bumping into someone that she has told them all about DDs medical issue after we've told her so many times to keep it to herself, it's not nice for DD to have everyone know her private business especially if we stay in the same town when she's a teen/adult etc. She obviously hasn't listened and this isn't the first time she's done this. We've asked her several times not to.

I've told DH that's it, she's made this issue herself and she's no longer to be told about anything to do with DDs medical info. Positive or negative. She can't be trusted and I want DD's private information to be respected.

He is in agreement but admitted it is an awkward situation, which I agree with. I'm worried I might be projecting because I was mercilessly bullied as a teen because of a medical issue that my mum told everyone she bloody met about. The issue was no longer present but bullies can be horrible and I was reminded of it constantly.

AIBU?

OP posts:
foxsbiscuit · 15/03/2019 10:21

You are absolutely right. Don't tell her anything and tell her why. She should be ashamed of herself.

Ohyesiam · 15/03/2019 10:26

I’m completely on your side here. I am a medical professional so have really good confidentiality, I just don’t get it when people endlessly question others about their health, and then pass the info on.

And I don’t think it’s that awkward, I think I’d be quite happy to say to your mother-in-law she’s not getting any more information because her confidentiality is so shockingly bad.

You’re right here op , stick to your guns

BlueMerchant · 15/03/2019 10:27

She doesn't have the right to know. I wouldn't mention when did has appointments and if she finds out and asks then be vague and answer with an 'ok thanks' and repeat 'ok thanks ' if she tries to dig for more information.Your oh needs to stick to these words too.
It's likely she will realize that word has got back to you that she's been talking about DD.
If she asks you why you are not telling her things then I'd just be honest and tell her how it's private and you can't trust her to respect your dds privacy.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 15/03/2019 10:27

100% agree. There are things I can’t get worked up about but it’s really unfair to talk about medical issues, especially when you’ve been asked not to.

Sicario · 15/03/2019 10:28

I think you're right too. My sister is like this, unable to hold water, never mind something confidential. I don't tell her anything any more, because if I do I might as well take out a full page ad in the newspaper.

MulticolourMophead · 15/03/2019 10:28

I agree you are right to keep the information from her, she doesn't have an automatic right to know.

And I don't think you are projecting. Kids haven't changed that much, they'll still gossip about stuff.

TidyDancer · 15/03/2019 10:29

I agree OP. And I would definitely tell her why too. It's unfair for her to say anything you've asked her not to.

Tinty · 15/03/2019 10:46

You are definitely right, don't tell her anything.

I don't tell my own mum anything at all because she tells THE WHOLE WORLD everything.

My mum is lovely but just loves talking and couldn't keep something private if she was paid a million pounds.

I am the other way, I don't tell anyone things people tell me, not even my partner.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 15/03/2019 10:49

No, YADNBU. Small-minded, petty gossips really irritate me. I don't listen and I don't indulge (actually, this stuff is really very boring).

Shared DNA doesn't give her an automatic right to be given this information. Put her on an information diet, and grey rock her to the hilt. And if she's that bad, it might be worth having a word with your GP surgery to ensure she can't call asking for information from them, either. Ask if they'll set you up a password, without which they are not to divulge information. That ought to clip her wings!

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this, and wish your DD all good future health.

NewFoneWhoDis · 15/03/2019 10:53

This is my mother. Her version of keeping a secret is telling everyone "don't tell NewFone I told you this but..."

So she gets to hear fuck all. She thinks I've a terribly boring life and I only tell her stuff that's mundane. If there's something ongoing that she enquires about such as a medical issue she gets told that there's no update and when there is, we will let her know. and then we don't

Leeds2 · 15/03/2019 10:53

YANBU at all. But makes sure that DH is in complete agreement, as he may be more likely to give in if MIL pressurizes him for information.

AnnaMagnani · 15/03/2019 10:55

Oh, don't tell her. If she can't be supportive, what's the point in sharing with her?

DontCallMeCharlotte · 15/03/2019 10:56

And if she's that bad, it might be worth having a word with your GP surgery to ensure she can't call asking for information from them, either. Ask if they'll set you up a password, without which they are not to divulge information.

Hang on, are you saying there are GP surgeries on this planet that would give out information to anyone but the patient or next of kin?? That's shocking if true.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/03/2019 10:56

YANBU. I also hate people that do the 'Don't let on you know but blah, blah, blah...'

Maybe you and DP need to have an agreed statement as such for when she inevitably asks... maybe come up with something you're both comfortable saying to her?

"Sorry MIL, but we're keeping her private business private from now on."
And repeat infinitum... or whatever you want to say.

If it's the same coming from both of you that might help.

steppemum · 15/03/2019 10:57

I would also let her know why.
So she asks - how is dd? I would say - fine. Then she will ask about upcoming op, or her medical issue and I woudl say to her - sorry, I am not going to share anything about that with you, because you cannot keep it to yourself, and it is private to dd, and I don't want everyone in town to know.

However much she flusters etc, just shrug and move on.

Purplecatshopaholic · 15/03/2019 11:01

I work in HR so confidentiality is just a given, I dont tell anyone anything really! Just stop telling this woman stuff, you know you cant trust her! Your daughter has a right to privacy

AnneOfCleanTables · 15/03/2019 11:04

If you live in a small town, is it likely other people will know about DD's medical issue and progress? If so, then I think it would be unfair to leave DMIL open to finding out updates from strangers.
I know generally that MN doesn't agree with me on this but I think medical issues can impact others ie your DMIL might want to chat to a friend about it for support for her and I don't think that's unkind or that unusual tbh.

Yabbers · 15/03/2019 11:05

What did she say when you tackled her about it?

justasking111 · 15/03/2019 11:05

Our family keep family business between family, that is the way it should be. Sorry your mum needs to be kept out of the loop. We do not talk about our children our grandchildren about things like this.

I hope your daughter has a successful operation and can move forward with less issues.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/03/2019 11:11

YANBU. In your shoes I would be furious with her. I would tell her nothing from now on, and I would tell her why. I wouldn't be vague about it, on her first question (however innocuous that particular question was, doesn't matter) next time I saw her it would be "I'm not discussing DD's health with you ever again. It was upsetting, people in the street telling me all about DD's condition, knowing that they'd got all this information from you. So stop asking, I can't trust you with the answers."

Yes, it's harsh. But if asking her nicely, as you have in the past, hasn't worked, then you need to try something else. "If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got." She'll undoubtedly now gossip about how horrible you are, but those she gossips to will probably see where you're coming from better than her.

PolarBearDisguisedAsAPenguin · 15/03/2019 11:13

YANBU and I don’t think you are projecting but I also think you need to stop telling anyone about it if you don’t want to run the risk of others being told, not just your MIL.

LagunaBubbles · 15/03/2019 11:15

I take it you have spoken to her to let her you you know she's been gossiping after you said not to?

justmyview · 15/03/2019 11:21

If you live in a small town, is it likely other people will know about DD's medical issue and progress? If so, then I think it would be unfair to leave DMIL open to finding out updates from strangers

I agree with this. But if you're not telling other people, then I think it's fair enough to keep info to yourselves and explain why

Drum2018 · 15/03/2019 11:27

I remember my mum telling a visitor that I had thrush - I was there in the room and I was 19!! I wouldn't bother telling your mil any more information. If she asks just say there is no update, dd is fine. Even when she has the surgery I'd just keep it between yourselves. Ds is due a procedure and we haven't told anyone. It's nobody else's business, not even close family.

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 15/03/2019 11:28

Seeing as you've already told her multiple times not to tell other people, I wouldn't be giving her any more information. She should have more respect for your DD and your wishes.

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