Aibu to want to strangle my mother

[Cabinetoffthewall]

Nc as outing.

I have a good relationship with my mum and we talk every couple of days or so :-)

In the last year I have had 2 miscarriages (one that was exceptionally crappy at 14 weeks as it went on from 12 with us knowing baby wasn't developing well and eventually heart stopped).

I am now 26 weeks pregnant. Last week I noticed baby hadn't been moving as much as previously but I put it down to being earlyish days and I had been quite busy.

At my midwife appt on Friday I mentioned it and she immediately referred me to the hospital. I was quite taken aback by this as tbh I hadn't been overly worried. Anyway all was fine and baby is just a bit lazy :-p

I rang my mum and told her I'd been to the hospital and she said it was ridiculous to go in for monitoring just because baby had reduced movements. She said babies do these things and will have quite times. She also said I need to be aware that the bigger baby gets the less he will move?! I told her she is completely wrong about that last bit and that the nhs now advises you DO go in for reduced movements as it can be a sign of something wrong.

I agree with her that 9/10 it will be nothing but I said I would rather go in and be told that than miss something.

She thinks that's daft and doesn't see the point of all this learning babies movement patterns etc. She has two children (never any issues with mc etc) and kept saying how it would all be fine. She thinks I need to relax and enough this pregnancy (which I am!!!).

I am slightly anxious because of everything that has happened in the last year but I have thrown myself into this pregnancy and have enjoyed buying baby clothes, talking about baby etc.

Feel like my mum doesn't really 'get it' and completely ignores what I'm saying about current medical advice.

Anyway we haven't spoken since Friday night when I text her saying I thought she should realise I'm just trying to keep myself and baby safe and that I will continue to follow midwife guidelines not her anecdotal advice. Maybe I was a bit harsh :-/

Sorry that was so long I meant to add Aibu not to contact her and just have some time to cool off a bit? She has messaged me a couple of times asking if I'm finished my huff 🤨

If you plan on strangulation it’s best you avoid posting it on social media! Police are tech savvy!!

Failing that, she’s has no filter. Just ignore her.

I think unless someone has been through a miscarriage, they cannot possibly understand how this can make you feel in the next pregnancy.
Please try to put it down to ignorance, and maybe explain how you feel to her.

@GreenTulips dash 🤦🏻‍♀️ I'll have to think of another way 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ Haha in all seriousness she is a great mum she just is very lax about health and just thinks things will be fine all the time! She had a scare (to do with her heart) a few years ago and was told to go to the hospital but she didn't follow it up for months because 'she knew it would be nothing'!!!!

@Hadalifeonce yes agree on this. She said after the first loss that we didn't know baby so to focus on that 🤨 she doesn't mean anything bad by that she just doesn't get it at all. I've tried explaining but she just says I can't let my life be dictated by the past and should enjoy this baby and it being healthy etc. I also sent her some links on Friday about reduced movement advice and offered to let her see the leaflets I got when we went to Midwife's for first appt. She just thinks it's all over the top and paranoia!

I am so sorry you have been through this, you need to find someone else to confide in, if possible. Sounds like your mum can't or won't. Good luck

@hadalifeonce thank you 😊😊

There is a leaflet that says about reduced movements and in big bold letters it says ignore advice that as your baby gets bigger movements will reduce. Have a look for it at your next appt and give it to her

YANBU, OP. I'm sorry for your losses and hope the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly.

Hopefully this won't be the case for you, but I found that my parents got a lot worse/ more controlling after I had a child. My mother has had a lot of tantrums about advice on parenting having changed (which she takes as a personal insult to herself as a mother), and my father has been very snide behind my SIL's back about her breastfeeding exclusively and doing baby led weaning (because neither was common in his and my mother's circles when they were new parents, therefore both must be pointless).

Hopefully this won't turn out to be the case for you, but if there are any repeat occurrences of this kind of stuff from your mother, maybe have a think about laying down some boundaries.

@Nameusernameuser I have it (or something that sounds very similar from Tommy's?) and sent her a pic of it but she's not interested 🙄

Think I'm going to have to accept she just can't understand mc etc and that she is set in her ways in terms of what she thinks about pregnancy and being dramatic!

(sorry, that was a bit long-winded as am totally shattered, but you get my drift!)

@Sleepisoverrated12 yes this is a worry for me. We have chatted about it and I've said I worry we will fall out because while I used to go to her for advice etc a lot I am now a grown up and going to be a mum. We agree on most things (she had my sister 10 years ago) so she gets the whole breastfeeding thing etc but she has made comments about taking baby out in the first few days so I can rest. When I said I didn't think I'd be happy about that until he was maybe a few weeks she said she hoped I wouldn't be a helicopter parent.

I love my mum to bits and I do really respect her opinions on most things I just wish she realised I have my own opinions too and didn't just say I was being paranoid or a snowflake when I'm just trying to do what is best for baby!

My mum would be exactly the same. Sometimes you have to take a deep breath and agree to disagree. Family is a funny thing and I'm sure her heart is in the right place. I'd probably reply and ask if we can just move on and ask her to trust me to do what's best for my own baby and remind her that you value her opinion but you do things differently.

It’s a shift in the dynamic of your relationship. She’s still treating you like a child but you're moving on and the cracks are now showing

If you work on caring less about her opinions, you won’t get so wound up when she belittles the way you want to do things. So if she starts on about how monitoring movements is ridiculous, pointless and over worrying, let it wash over you. I would just say “hmmm, yeah, mmmm, interesting” or whatever, while getting my coat and leaving for the hospital.

She has opinions. You’ve listened, and decided to ignore. Which is fine. You don’t need to create a battle to try and change her opinion, or to justify your own opinion. Leave her to it, and get on with the way you want to do things.

I think advice has changed so much in the last 30 or so years that our parents just don’t realise.

When I was pregnant I had HG and couldn’t keep anything down, not even water, and my mum thought I was making a fuss going into hospital to get a drip for dehydration. She kept saying “well just try and sip a little bit of water anyway” when I told her every time I ate or drank anything I threw up.

I wish I had some solutions to suggest to you but, to be honest, my DC is three and I'm still having the same issues with my mother. Mumsnet can be a bit of a bear pit but it's really helped me at times (under previous user names) - it can be really helpful just to write things down and have someone say "yeah, your mum is a bit out of line there". For starters, I can safely tell you that talking about 'helicopter parenting" in the context of a newborn is frankly batshit!

It's hard when you love your mum and you're really close, isn't it? But you're not rejecting her or disrespecting her by being your own person.

Just ignore her it's going to get a whole lot worse when you have the baby and she criticizes everything you do based on advice given 30 years ago.

I would just ignore her. It will be good practise for when you have the baby and she insists you should put him/her to sleep on their front or start feeding solids at 3 months or whatever!

Yeah jelly beans it'll be: solids at 3 months, don't hold baby you'll spoil them, put baby rice in bottle, put baby on front to sleep, put baby on bottle if not gaining weight quick enough etc etc.

You need to send her something like this:

"I will be whatever parent I want to be, not the parent you think I should be. If you try to make me feel bad about it, I will just spend less time with you to avoid being made to feel like that. THAT is as much choice you get in my pregnancy and child rearing."

My Mother's always full of old wives tales that have no place in modern medicine nor child rearing. I find it easier to just go "Hmm, that's interesting." Or "Oh okay." Because she can't be reasoned with.

Maybe in the future try that since it sounds like she's cut from the same cloth. I don't think I'd let her babysit though.

Do you think maybe she means that the midwife was worrying you unnecessarily by referring you in? (Not that she’s right at all, just maybe she meant it protectively and didn’t want you overly worried?)

I coudlnt talk to my mum about much at all throughout my pregnancy and it's the same still with motherhood in general. Whenever I talk about something to do with it she acts as if I am making a fuss or trying to draw attention to myself. My mum's friend on the other hand has a daughter my age and she is so supportive wanting to be there every step of the way in the pregnancy and the baby stages. Some mum's just are not able to be that supportive. Try and rely on friends who are mum's or pregnant for support and advice and hopefully you'll find them more understanding. Maybe try joining NCT group x

My mum came out with some absolute shit when I was expecting, birthing (at home, in water), breastfeeding (on demand), caring (picking baby up the second she cried), sleeping (co-sleeping). Basically everything I did was the exact opposite to what she was taught and did. And guess what? My baby and I were fabulous together!

'Mum, things have changed since your day' was my mantra uttered through gritted teeth on many occasion.

Keep doing what you do, be intuitive, ask advice from the professionals or friends who've recently been through pregnancy themselves, and ignore your dear old-fashioned mother.

Good luck with your baby OP x

My MIL was exactly the same when I went in for reduced movements. I just rolled my eyes at her. She'd soon have changed her tune if she knew someone who had had a problem!

It's such a hard one because I 100% trust her to babysit but then she says things like paying attention to babys movements is ridiculous and I'm like 😳🤨 weirdly she had me very young so her last baby was only 10 years ago, I don't know what they advised about movement then but she hasn't really got the excuse of her last baby being 30 years back when things were majorly different? If that makes sense!

@FalldereedilIdo no her argument was definitely that monitoring was over the top and babies often don't move for ages! She said baby might be having a 'sleepy week'. And she said that towards the end of my pregnancy baby will move less as he/she has less room and I should prepare for that.

She just won't be told she is wrong (I showed her the research and she said the nhs says a lot of things and I can't live my life on edge?) I'm not on edge but nor am I going to ignore medical advice!

Friday night my last message to her was that we would have to agree to disagree but that I was concerned we would have a huge falling out if she didn't respect my choice to go with what the midwife and professionals advise. She then rang me and started up again so I said I wasn't discussing it any more and would speak to her later to which she said fine. She then text me on Monday and said 'are you out of your huff yet?' I did not reply.