Aibu to want to strangle my mother

[Cabinetoffthewall]

Nc as outing.

I have a good relationship with my mum and we talk every couple of days or so :-)

In the last year I have had 2 miscarriages (one that was exceptionally crappy at 14 weeks as it went on from 12 with us knowing baby wasn't developing well and eventually heart stopped).

I am now 26 weeks pregnant. Last week I noticed baby hadn't been moving as much as previously but I put it down to being earlyish days and I had been quite busy.

At my midwife appt on Friday I mentioned it and she immediately referred me to the hospital. I was quite taken aback by this as tbh I hadn't been overly worried. Anyway all was fine and baby is just a bit lazy :-p

I rang my mum and told her I'd been to the hospital and she said it was ridiculous to go in for monitoring just because baby had reduced movements. She said babies do these things and will have quite times. She also said I need to be aware that the bigger baby gets the less he will move?! I told her she is completely wrong about that last bit and that the nhs now advises you DO go in for reduced movements as it can be a sign of something wrong.

I agree with her that 9/10 it will be nothing but I said I would rather go in and be told that than miss something.

She thinks that's daft and doesn't see the point of all this learning babies movement patterns etc. She has two children (never any issues with mc etc) and kept saying how it would all be fine. She thinks I need to relax and enough this pregnancy (which I am!!!).

I am slightly anxious because of everything that has happened in the last year but I have thrown myself into this pregnancy and have enjoyed buying baby clothes, talking about baby etc.

Feel like my mum doesn't really 'get it' and completely ignores what I'm saying about current medical advice.

Anyway we haven't spoken since Friday night when I text her saying I thought she should realise I'm just trying to keep myself and baby safe and that I will continue to follow midwife guidelines not her anecdotal advice. Maybe I was a bit harsh :-/

She then text me on Monday and said 'are you out of your huff yet?'

Quite disrespectful that, isn't it? Did her mother behave this way when she was pregnant or did she, like you - an adult - listen to the professionals and do what SHE felt was right?

I'm glad you are building clear boundaries OP as I think you'll continue to need them both during the remainder of your pregnancy and after the birth.

I thought your message to her was great - that, continue to be Grey Rock whenever necessary and clarity around what you will and will not accept, particularly after your baby is born.

Good luck for an easy birth. 🌹

are you out of your huff yet?
"No mother, I am not huffing, nor am I over being upset with you and hurt by you. Stop patronising me."

I think even without the miscarriages, telling you to ignore current medical advice is not on.
Have you sent her a link to count the kicks? Why does she think she knows better than medical professionals?

I hope she changes when the baby's born otherwise it's going to be hard to get her to stick to the things you know are safe - car seats, back sleeping, current weaning guidelines etc. I'd make it clear she needs to respect your style of parenting otherwise there won't be as much opportunity for one on one time with the baby if she can't stick to the rules.

Yes you were fine but lots of babies in the past weren't and campaigns like back to sleep have saved thousands of lives

Just read your update. Yes some babies have sleepy days. But some have sleepy weeks because, sadly, something has gone wrong, and they are distressed.

Midwives always say it's no trouble to check you over if there are reduced movements, they encourage you to be seen, and it's hardly a massive inconvenience to you (unless you live hours away from your maternity unit) so why is she even pressing this? A visit to check out everything being OK isn't harming anyone, it's not like you've been in every other day

You've probably got the details on one of the leaflets but there's apps you can use to keep track of movements easily, they might be reassuring? Also really useful to show hcp if you do need to be seen again.

YANBU about your DM. Some people seem to take it as a personal attack when advice changes. Ending the conversation when she starts knowingly rubbishing current advice is probably the best thing to simultaneously stop an argument and hopefully get her to stop it alltogether. I'd keep on dealing with it as you are.

Difficult though, sometimes you just want some sympathy not advice.

Babies may move less, but you'll feel the slightest twinge as there's no room!

Please don't listen to your mum! Reduced movements ALWAYS need to be checked. I had reduced movements 9 times with my pregnancy and on the last time it was found that baby had a low heart rate and needed to come out, and I was induced. If I had assumed that it was fine like the other 8 times i had gone in I could maybe not have had my now 10 week old. It's so important, never ignore it.

Kicks Count is great for information on baby movements!

Also not YNBU about now doubting your mother. My MIL likes to pretend she knows everything but almost choked my baby when giving him a bottle as she rammed it into their mouth, yet she refuses to listen to my suggestions or requests and wonders why I'm saying no to her babysitting.

*no not not!!

I would give up on trying to change your Mum’s opinion on anything. If she makes a comment, just go “oh thanks for letting me know, I’ll bear it in mind” and then use or discard as you see fit. It would be nice if you could persuade her to agree with you, but its unlikely to happen, so save your breath and change the subject.

@cabinet
Manual strangulation is physically difficult especially whilst pregnant, maybe choose another method for her death 😉
Best of luck with the wee one x

Just ignore her advice, you're doing all the right things for your baby from a fully educated position. She's pretty insensitive after what you've already been through.
Don't have a major falling out if you can help it. She'll probably adore the baby when it comes and you will want her to be around.
But just keep doing what you feel to be right, ignore her input, and make your own choices. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy

I'd be sending her links like:

www.tommys.org/pregnancy-information/pregnancy-complications/baby-loss/miscarriage/miscarriage-support/supporting-someone-who-has-had-miscarriage

www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/your-feelings/supporting-someone-through-pregnancy-loss/

www.tommys.org/pregnancy/symptom-checker/baby-fetal-movements

From 18-24 weeks on you should feel the baby move more and more. After 32 weekss_, the movements will stay roughly the same until you give birth.
• It is NOT TRUE that babies move less towards the end of pregnancy.
• You should CONTINUE to feel your baby move right up to the time you go into labour and during labour.

And REsend these every time she makes an insensitive comment!

And if she still pushes ask her something like

"Exactly why do you think that comment is helpful?" "Do you really think ignoring potential symptoms of a problem is a good idea?"

Wow! I'd advise you start setting those boundaries NOW!

"No I'm not paranoid/a snowflake JUST because I disagree with you! Do NOT dismiss my opinions/feelings"

She sees you as a petulant teen. "Huff?" "No mum it was not a huff, I chose to no longer discuss the matter with you because you weren't listening or accepting that I am able to make my own choices about my body and pregnancy. Stop treating me like a disobedient child"

I'm actually wondering if you love your mum so much because she's been a good mum or if you're mired in FOG?

My mother got amazingly angry that I called Braxton Hicks by their name. Apparently I should have called them "practice contractions" and why did I have to use stupid medical names that no one understands.

She got apocalyptically cross when I said that the midwife had called them that, as if I was deliberately calling her stupid.

It took me having my 4th child before she stopped telling me that modern midwives make everything so complicated, and me having my 6th before she started using the same language!

She was very sympathetic about my miscarriages having suffered them herself, but not about me bleeding before my first loss as "I bled all the way with you and you're fine, stop being so dramatic". Which is odd when you think about it.

I think its all to do with her not understanding your losses or her understanding and not wanting to think about her own losses. Either way I would repy to her text with 'I will be over my "huff" when you are over thinking that you know better than highly qualified medical professionals'

Oh and I suspect that my sister was involved in her winding her neck in when I was pg with #4 (after many losses) because she said that maybe someone should remind mum that with this baby I would have had twice as many kids as mum had had and so therefore knew twice as much :o

YANBU to want to strangle her but you will BU if you go through with it!

All you can do is keep telling her that you are following current advice, which has changed since 'her day'. If she doesn't respect your wishes she won't be doing much babysitting - not because you want to punish her but because she may be increasing the risk of harm or injury. Of course in 30 years time, when today's mums are becoming grannies, the guidance may have changed again.

I have a "minimiser mum" myself so I was getting ready to say that perhaps this is her way of getting you to worry less about things (at least that's what my mum does - she does mean well in that sense but it can feel like genuine issues get swept under the rug a bit) but from your update she sounds like a PITA actually.

You obviously have very different views on parenting and with a youngish child of her own, she's still very much in the "Mother knows best" mindset, forgetting it's your baby, not hers. Going forward, you're just going to have to keep repeating, "Thanks for the advice, mum" and then totally ignore what's she's said. Don't disagree, don't argue, just a quick, "Thanks" and carry on as you were.

She is totally wrong in her thinking, the hospital staff would rather you come in 20 times because you are worried and find everything is ok than have you come in once and find it was too late.

Babies movements change but should not reduce as they get bigger and having baby go quiet a few days before due date is a myth, any reduced movement should be checked out.

I’d hide my hurt and make a joke of it in front of family. ‘Oh you know Mum, she’d have a tumour as big as a second head and still put off GP advice’. Make it out to be a personality quirk of hers (which it is).

When it comes up in private on the phone with her, I’d shut it down quick smart. ‘Mum, we’ve talked about this. We’ll have to agree to disagree on these health things’. Make it ‘health’ things rather than ‘baby’ things. Cos it is.

Also, if you know her advice will hurt your feelings, then you’ll just have to stop asking for advice. Yes, it’s a big deal to be referred to hospital for reduced movement with your history. But there are other people you can call for support (practical and emotional) surely? Don’t ring the only one who consistently underplays things and suggests you’re a drama queen. Get over the ‘but she should be nicer’ thinking. As she gets older, her filter isn’t going to improve. Let her show her love for you in other things (presumably she does?) and look elsewhere for reactions that don’t involve her annoying ‘stuff n nonsense’ approach.

Good luck with the pregnancy, you deserve some!

Wow thanks to you all for the lovely responses 😊😊 you are all right she is not going to change so I need to change my expectations. Luckily I have a very supportive dh and step sister 😊 and lovely friends!

I will send her those links if she insists on continuing this conversation but I am also going to keep shutting it down in terms of not getting into an emotive debate over it all.

To the pp who said about FOG I can honestly say she is a good mum and I know she has my best interests at heart but she is unfortunately as stubborn as a mule 🤦🏻‍♀️ We are very alike in some ways!

Weird that my mum has always been my first port of call for advice but I now have to adapt that! In future I'm going to monitor what I tell her about baby (if I go back for reduced movements I wouldn't tell her now until I need to if that makes sense).

I need to assert that I am mum now and while I'll always be her baby I will be doing what I (and dh!) think is best for my own child.

Thank you everyone 😊

Sorry meant to also say while she comes across as insensitive (and I think she is at times!) she's always been like this and would be about a multitude of things. She is not known to worry until she needs to. My aunt has called her out on it before but she just doesn't understand why people panic before they need to....sometimes I wish I could be that relaxed! 🙈

I don't want people to think she's a bad mum she's just not emotive and like people have said she just doesn't understand how I feel after my mcs. She shows her love to me and dh (and baby actually) in many other ways and has been very supportive of us both.

My mum was like that too and I'd had miscarriages and was hyper alert to everything

In a sense she's right about movement, albeit movement changes and vigour of movement reduces as the baby grows and space becomes more limited BUT that's very different to not feeling your baby move as often iyswim - my two were literally having a party between 20 ish weeks and maybe 28 weeks ish - spinning around, bending my abdomen all ways lol - but I was like you too and reduced feelings a few times and ended up on the monitor.

My hospital did a trace with movements and I hit a button where I could feel movement, it was amazing what I couldn't actually feel as the trace showed loads of movement I just couldn't feel at all - but it was comforting for me to know this (probably why they do it lol )

Enjoy your pregnancy and perhaps share less with your mum 😉

Stick to your guns, keep monitoring - keep your baby safe and just smile and say 'yes maybe I am' when she tells you that you are paranoid, then keep contact to a minimum.

She sounds exactly like my MIL. I just chose what info to share and not share with her so I don’t have to listen to her crap and feel offended by her all the time. Hope you’re ok. X

I'd just ignore / not tell her everything. My mother was the same so I just never told her anything .

MIL asked me when DS was 4 weeks of of be putting him in his nursery soon, I did no not until at least six months. Cue oh the guidelines more are very cautious aren't they, God knows how any of our babies survived (from the woman who rode horses until eight months pregnant and drank through her pregnancy, because she was 'young and didn't want to miss out' - she was 22.... I pointed out the huge drop in SIDs since her generation had babies and that I'd never forgive myself if I ignored the advice and something happened there's just no need. She can roll her eyes all she likes, not her baby not her choice. Make that your mantra OP