to think that this mum is continuing to be glaringly rude?

[BettyBoooo]

This is a big mess and I need some impartial advice please!

We live in a village - it's a small place in every sense - we are all in each others' pockets. The children are early primary aged and I know most mums with children of that age who live here at least to see. Anyhow, there has always been one particular child who was a bit hitty compared to the others. Not the devil you understand - just a big-for-his-age boy with some big feelings. So as it was none of my business, and as I have just the one, quiet, sweet girl, (who has never hit anyone ever) - I kept my nose well out of it when the other mothers remarked.... as I understood I'd just been lucky and had no useful advice.

So last summer we were out in a big group on a picnic. My daughter suddenly returned to me distraught. She was so upset I'd thought she'd been stung! It transpired that hitty-mum had overheard her saying she didn't want to play with hitty-child and taken her to task over what a horrible, mean child she was.

Just to be fair, she admits she did say this to her friend - she doesn't like playing with him for obv reasons. And it was only a verbal bollocking.... and yes, she is a sensitive soul who is scared of the second Harry Potter film. Raised it calmly with the other mother a few days later and she replied that my daughter had been mean and "deserved" to be upset. Then she swore at me.

So that went well So obviously I have been trying to keep out of her way a bit. However in such a small place, it is really hard, as we sit on the same committees and so on. Since the incident, she ignores me pointedly. So in a room with a handful of mums sitting round a table, she won't respond to anything I say - like I'm invisible.

My friend thinks I should just ignore it back, but aibu to find this intolerably rude and unacceptable. I'm quite a shy person and it makes me really uncomfortable. Hit me some honest advice. I need it.

Of course children are allowed not to want to play with another child that has a tendency to hit! That is not bullying
You can’t make people want to be friends with you and accuse them of bullying if they dont!

I'm in the camp of it being a natural consequence for the hitty boy to find that other children do not wish to play with him. The mother should help him learn not to, by gently explaining that other kids won't want to play with him if he hits, not turn her wrath onto a small kid who, quite understandably, wants to avoid being clobbered. This will give him a chance to learn not to do it sooner, rather than later, which will be to everybody's benefit, including his own. If children are coerced into playing with him regardless, this behaviour will continue for longer.

I have no doubt the mother is upset and embarrassed by his behaviour, and has lashed out at OP and her DD. I can understand that, perhaps, in the heat of the moment. To carry on the behaviour like this months later is ridiculous. I think the best tack is to take the high ground and ignore the behaviour, and carry on regardless. Others will see her for what she is and OP will contrast favourably.

*Ofcoursechildrenareallowednottowanttoplaywithanotherchildthathasatendencytohit!ThatisnotbullyingconfusedYoucan’tmakepeoplewanttobefriendswithyouandaccusethemofbullyingiftheydont!"
This^ or as my mum used to say "shall I lie down so they can walk all over me?"
OP. this woman sounds like one of those who like to have someone around that they have a feud with and can make a big show of ignoring or generally dissing.
You say you are in close unavoidable proximity. I think you need to be very careful that she doesn't escalate this, annoying though it may be.. I think your best approach is to continue to be to be cheerfully and blissfully unaware of her rudeness, speak to her like anyone else and as if she is not ignoring you. Pretend you haven't got your glasses on or something so you can't see the sour expression or filthy looks.
It may seem very passive but it has two advantages
Firstly, it gives everyone around you a breather. They can see that you are not the person driving it. You look mature and normal and she doesn't.
If she's been enjoying the drama, this will be very annoying for her, how can she continue without showing herself up?
In the longer term, the more normal you are, the less satisfying her ignoring you drama becomes.. and she may even just give it up without losing face because you are keeping it normal. You'd have to sacrifice the pleasure of making an immediate cutting remark back but in the long term it will be public that she can't drag you down to her level and if she does continue to be a b to you, people will soon see that its her fault not yours.
lWin Win for you I'd say.

RearEnded00 is right. That's how I'd play it.

Living in a small community is difficult, sometimes you have to ignore things and de-escalate situations until they blow over. You have to live beside these people and even if you don't like them, one of your mates might and you'll have to rub along beside them on some social situations.

Kids grow up quickly. Most hitty kids don't remain hitty. It will pass.

Thanks everyone.

No, of course I didn't instruct my daughter not to play with this child - that would be mean I continued to include him in general invites, and focused on how its most likely a stage, and mentioned other children who grew out of it. I encouraged to say no to particular games, which she didn't like and always seem to end up with her being pushed/shoved/hit and injured. She didn't like him, and probably would have preferred him not to be there, but in all honesty that was her own opinion, not mine.

Its hard to explain something so long and invovled in a short post, but in all honesty, I have no problem with the child - whose behaviour needs addressing, but it typical. It's the mother I find scary and difficult!

Thanks for all the replies - I think what I take is that whilst it would be very satisfying in some ways to confront her rudeness - and I think you have helped me feel certain this is rudeness... no good can come of it. So thank you for letting me vent - and I will try and put as much distance between us as I can, and ignore her as well as I can when that's impossible.