Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that this mum is continuing to be glaringly rude?

80 replies

BettyBoooo · 14/03/2019 11:56

This is a big mess and I need some impartial advice please!

We live in a village - it's a small place in every sense - we are all in each others' pockets. The children are early primary aged and I know most mums with children of that age who live here at least to see. Anyhow, there has always been one particular child who was a bit hitty compared to the others. Not the devil you understand - just a big-for-his-age boy with some big feelings. So as it was none of my business, and as I have just the one, quiet, sweet girl, (who has never hit anyone ever) - I kept my nose well out of it when the other mothers remarked.... as I understood I'd just been lucky and had no useful advice.

So last summer we were out in a big group on a picnic. My daughter suddenly returned to me distraught. She was so upset I'd thought she'd been stung! It transpired that hitty-mum had overheard her saying she didn't want to play with hitty-child and taken her to task over what a horrible, mean child she was.

Just to be fair, she admits she did say this to her friend - she doesn't like playing with him for obv reasons. And it was only a verbal bollocking.... and yes, she is a sensitive soul who is scared of the second Harry Potter film. Raised it calmly with the other mother a few days later and she replied that my daughter had been mean and "deserved" to be upset. Then she swore at me.

So that went well Confused So obviously I have been trying to keep out of her way a bit. However in such a small place, it is really hard, as we sit on the same committees and so on. Since the incident, she ignores me pointedly. So in a room with a handful of mums sitting round a table, she won't respond to anything I say - like I'm invisible.

My friend thinks I should just ignore it back, but aibu to find this intolerably rude and unacceptable. I'm quite a shy person and it makes me really uncomfortable. Hit me some honest advice. I need it.

OP posts:
Mookatron · 14/03/2019 13:10

Additionally all little girls who avoid a boy because he might hit her are not 'manipulative'.

It's always tricky to manage kids' relationships, especially when one is inclined to hit the other. Definitely calling other people's kids mean and their mothers bitches is not the way to handle it.

downcasteyes · 14/03/2019 13:14

Breeze through it and do not let it get to you as far as possible.

You can't make other people behave with dignity and class - all you can do is to embody those qualities yourself. Her behaviour is ridiculously childish: by raising a sardonic eyebrow and continuing on your way, you can make her look a fool.

Squigglesworth · 14/03/2019 13:15

So if Child A sees Child B hitting Children C and D, Child A can't think to him/herself "Hm, Child B is being mean" and want to avoid that person? Child A has to wait until s/he has actually been hit before being allowed to make a decision about who they do and do not want to play with?

At that age, Child B is old enough to know better (barring developmental delays) and should learn that hitting other children makes they sad/hurt/angry. There's nothing cruel about that. It's a very useful and valuable lesson-- and one best learned as young as possible, imho.

Also, they're all still very young. If/when Child B matures and stops hitting, OP's daughter will probably decide to play with him of her own volition-- but it should be her own decision, not something she's forced into by adults because they think it would be "nice" or "kind" of her to play with him.

alaric77 · 14/03/2019 13:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 14/03/2019 13:18

What kind of adult makes a child cry so much that their parent thinks she’s been stung by a bee?! The other mother sounds horrendous tbh. I don’t blame the OP’s child for not wanting anything to do with this boy. Good on her for standing up for herself.

AuntieCJ · 14/03/2019 13:18

Disturbing to read the OP's DD getting so much criticism. Aren't we bringing up our daughters to know it's fine to say no?

It isn't unkind to not play with someone you don't like. Just as it isn't unkind to not have sex with a man we don't want to have sex with. Girls need to practise saying no to boys.

OP's DD is establishing boundaries and should be allowed to do that.

LondonJax · 14/03/2019 13:19

Yes @Stinkytoe and some members of MN also seem to think that every child should be kind to every other child even the ones who decides it's fun to hit or who haven't been taught by their parents that there are consequences to hitting.

Because, of course, every (hitty) child deserves a break but kids who are normally quiet should just suck it up and take the punch. Well sorry, I'm one of those parents who tell my DS to avoid the hitty kids like the plague. There are plenty of friends out there who will treat my DS with respect, he doesn't need to hang around a 'hitty kid' like a lacky.

LondonJax · 14/03/2019 13:21

@AuntieCJ

This ^^

diddl · 14/03/2019 13:21

I don't think that kids should have to play with someone when they don't want to.

What happened at the picnic seems to be all quite vague though.

What led to your daughter saying she didn't want to play with the boy?

Had he asked?
Had the friend suggested it?

VelvetPineapple · 14/03/2019 13:23

Well it’s obvious where her child has learned violent behaviour! This is good news, you now have a very good reason for you and your DD to stay away from this awful woman and her vicious child. She had no business speaking to your child like that - it’s not her place. Use the fact that it’s a small village to your advantage. Tell EVERYONE about her behaviour.

alaric77 · 14/03/2019 13:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Topseyt · 14/03/2019 13:26

Why are you so keen to get her to interact with you? I wouldn't be, and would be inclined to ignore her presence as much as possible, even if you are involved in the same committee meetings.

EstrellaDamn · 14/03/2019 13:28

@stinkytoe apologies if I have misunderstood your post, but are you suggesting that it's bullying to decline to play with another child?

If you are, that is ridiculous. How would you feel if, say, your boss forced you to become mates with a colleague you loathe?

Sockwomble · 14/03/2019 13:30

The OP said that her daughter was telling her friend that she didn't want to play with the boy. It's seems to be 'talking about' that caused the telling off and we don't know what was said or the way it was said.

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 14/03/2019 13:37

Fine for a child to not want to play with a child who hits. The sex of the children isn’t relevant.

I’d be tempted to have some fun by referring to myself as the silly bitch to the other parents. Because you must be a SB to not want your daughter being hit, no?

Jellyonawonkyplate · 14/03/2019 13:39

It makes me feel so sad. It’s like they equate every rough little boy into a violent man and that just isn’t the case!

This, in spades. I think some posters take out their deep seated issues about men on threads like these and it makes me feel a bit sick.

JellyBaby666 · 14/03/2019 13:43

Not all hitty boys (or girls) will go on to be abusive or violent adults. However, there is nothing wrong in empowering a young girl (or boy) to set boundaries and say no, especially if they've seen the child be mean or hurt someone else.

If it was 2 boys, would people be suggesting that the child who said they didn't want to play should 'be nice'?

AryaStarkWolf · 14/03/2019 13:50

Just carry on as normal, infact I'd purposely speak to her just so she looks like an idiot when she ignores you

pallisers · 14/03/2019 13:50

Boy hits. Girl doesn't want to play with him because he hits. Girl is a unkind and a bully.

No wonder the relationships board is full of women putting up with utter crap.

Just ignore the woman, OP, or rather ignore her ignoring you. Carry on as normal. there really is nothing that can be done with people like that.

Motoko · 14/03/2019 14:04

Your 'one, quiet, sweet girl' telling the other children not to play with the mean, hitty, 6 year old.

Changing the narrative to suit your own agenda, because you've decided OP is in the wrong, huh?

OP's DD was not" "telling the other children not to play" with the boy. She said she* didn't want to play with him. Two completely different scenarios.

And there's nothing wrong about not wanting to play with a child who hits.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/03/2019 14:09

My dd goes to school with a boy, who used to hit at that age. He doesn’t anymore. His mother was in an emotionally and physically abusive marriage, which she left just before he started school.

One of the mums told her dd when she was about 6 she wasn’t allowed to play with him including on school grounds. This same Monterey also grabbed the boy one time and shouted at him when he hit her dd. Adult on child bullying. I told the class teacher about both. A lot of nastiness came from this woman and she looooved to gossip about the boy. Sad.

Dd was friends with this boy and he did hurt her maybe 3 times. We agreed when it happened she would leave him alone and play with him another day. The last time she was getting a bit older, maybe 7 and I did tell her she could choose to play with him or not, as she preferred.

I live in a village. A lot of parents didn’t behave like me and are actually pretty intolerant of the boy and have a very long memory - the children are now yr6. Perhaps this woman has had some serious flak from parents or perhaps she’s a nasty bully herself. If she is genuinely just sticking up for her child, that I can understand. Tbh I wouldn’t have said anything after the event. No good can come of it.

You therefore should have tackled it at the time or not at all. Along the lines of “is everything ok?” As for shouting at you and calling you nasty names in the playground, you can make the school aware and ask them to help you out. They can’t do anything about something, which happened outside school though.

As for what to do? Take an honest look at yourself, see if you’ve partly created this situation. If you have, I think you start with an apology even though she was perhaps not nice to your dd.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/03/2019 14:11

Monterey = mother (interesting autocorrect!)

MerryBerryCheesecake · 14/03/2019 14:15

Just leave her be to get on with her nastiness. Just imagine being friends with her and being pressured into playdates between her child and yours, having to watch he's not battering your kid while you're treading on eggshells with her so she doesn't go off on one again. Best off well out of it if you ask me. She will alienate everybody eventually, one by one. Her kind don't change and take against others over nothing with alarming speed and hold on to it forever. She'll turn out to be her own worst enemy in the end.

Failing that, there is the mean girls method. Whisper "fuck you, you entitled cunt" in her ear and smile sweetly when you turn away so others won't suspect. Watch her struggle not to respond and when she turns red with indignation and can't stop herself, deny it. Nobody will believe her as it would clearly be out of character for you. I don't really recommend this as it is likely to escalate matters but it could be kept as an option depending on how much she pisses you off.

TedAndLola · 14/03/2019 14:20

Children should NOT be made to play with other children who hit them. I really hope the mothers on this thread wouldn't really force their children to do that.

This is a natural consequence of being "hitty." If the boy doesn't like it then he will learn to adjust his behaviour.

YourEggnogIsBetterThanMine · 14/03/2019 14:28

I absolutely tell my DD not to play with "hitty" children. We are having a similar problem at the moment. I don't judge the child or the parents - I don't think she is a bad girl or her parents bad parents - but I also will not allow my child to be a punching bag. Your DD should not be made to feel bad for keeping herself safe ffs.