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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that this mum is continuing to be glaringly rude?

80 replies

BettyBoooo · 14/03/2019 11:56

This is a big mess and I need some impartial advice please!

We live in a village - it's a small place in every sense - we are all in each others' pockets. The children are early primary aged and I know most mums with children of that age who live here at least to see. Anyhow, there has always been one particular child who was a bit hitty compared to the others. Not the devil you understand - just a big-for-his-age boy with some big feelings. So as it was none of my business, and as I have just the one, quiet, sweet girl, (who has never hit anyone ever) - I kept my nose well out of it when the other mothers remarked.... as I understood I'd just been lucky and had no useful advice.

So last summer we were out in a big group on a picnic. My daughter suddenly returned to me distraught. She was so upset I'd thought she'd been stung! It transpired that hitty-mum had overheard her saying she didn't want to play with hitty-child and taken her to task over what a horrible, mean child she was.

Just to be fair, she admits she did say this to her friend - she doesn't like playing with him for obv reasons. And it was only a verbal bollocking.... and yes, she is a sensitive soul who is scared of the second Harry Potter film. Raised it calmly with the other mother a few days later and she replied that my daughter had been mean and "deserved" to be upset. Then she swore at me.

So that went well So obviously I have been trying to keep out of her way a bit. However in such a small place, it is really hard, as we sit on the same committees and so on. Since the incident, she ignores me pointedly. So in a room with a handful of mums sitting round a table, she won't respond to anything I say - like I'm invisible.

My friend thinks I should just ignore it back, but aibu to find this intolerably rude and unacceptable. I'm quite a shy person and it makes me really uncomfortable. Hit me some honest advice. I need it.

OP posts:

Stinkytoe · 14/03/2019 12:44

I think you should read back through your post, you sound very judgemental and I do wonder how much of this you’ve, perhaps accidentally, passed on to your daughter.

It isn’t nice for a child to purposefully exclude other children from play, especially at such a young age. Perhaps your daughter wasn’t being as “sweet” as you like to make out?

That being said, as an adult, to ignore somebody when they directly speak to you is ridiculously rude. I would follow some of the advice from PPs to publicly call her out on it.

minipie · 14/03/2019 12:45

Have you told your DD in the past not to play with the boy? (I’m willing to bet you have. Not very nice of you if so).

Do you know what exactly the boy’s mum actually said to your DD?

When you approached the boy’s mum, did you acknowledge it wasn’t kind of your DD to refuse to play with the boy? Did you acknowledge you only had your DD’s version of what had been said to her?

Honestly you sound very holier than thou about your own behaviour and your daughter’s, and you don’t seem to realise it’s pretty horrible to gossip about and deliberately leave out a child just because they have a reputation for being “hitty”.

Hollowvictory · 14/03/2019 12:47

Who cares if a bully's mum blanks you? Ignore her back. Give her no heads pace.

WeepingWillowWeepingWino · 14/03/2019 12:48

Stinky so children should just put up with being hit all the time to be nice? A girl should put up with this from a boy to be 'nice'?

Fuck that shit. That might have rolled whilst in nursery but in school, too bad. He'll learn the hard way not to be violent to the others if his parents aren't going to bother.

AuntieCJ · 14/03/2019 12:49

Just ignore her back. She will soon do the same to everyone else.

Jellyonawonkyplate · 14/03/2019 12:50

You possibly need to look at your own behaviour and that of your DD a bit more closely..

Your 'one, quiet, sweet girl' telling the other children not to play with the mean, hitty, 6 year old.

Yeah, ok. If you weren't there at the time, I would have told her off too. Wonder where she gets the judginess from?

Stinkytoe · 14/03/2019 12:51

I don’t know why everything is made into a girl vs boy issue on mumsnet.

My advice would be the same be it two girls, two boys or a girl being the aggressor.

He’s only 6 for goodness sake. Bullying by exclusion isn’t any less bullying.

Teaching your child to be kind isn’t a bad thing.

Squigglesworth · 14/03/2019 12:55

It seems like everyone else in the group knows (or soon will know) what she and her son are like. I'd try not to worry about it, because it's clearly she who has the problem.

As for whether to ignore her or "call her out" in front of everyone (making a point of speaking to her by name, asking her what her problem is, etc.), to be honest, I'd probably ignore her. I'm not sure that's the best response, but it doesn't sound like you'll get far by confronting her. She's already shown how she'll most likely react, and as it obviously stresses you to confront her, it probably wouldn't serve any useful purpose. On the other hand, things may come to a head anyway...

Even in small communities, there are still rude, unreasonable, bratty people (kids and adults alike), and sometimes the best thing you can do is avoid interacting with them and more or less pretend they don't exist.

Glower · 14/03/2019 12:57

I don’t know what you can do except ignore! I had someone who started doing this to me... I tried asking them a question directly and they just said something that didn’t make sense to me and kept repeating the same thing when I asked for clarification 🤷‍♀️ I know it feels awkward but remember they’re just making themselves look ridiculous!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 14/03/2019 12:57

Jellyonawonkyplate wtf?

You sound like you have the same attitude as the mum in question

Hadalifeonce · 14/03/2019 12:57

Jelly, the OP's DD was saying that SHE didn't want to play with the boy, not telling others not to.

WeepingWillowWeepingWino · 14/03/2019 12:57

It's both. Teaching kids to put up with violence from their peers is bad, teaching girls to put up with violence from boys even more so.

I teach my child to be kind. I don't teach her to be a doormat. Or a punchbag.

Ghanagirl · 14/03/2019 12:58

In my experience people who talk about how sweet and good their child is whilst labelling another child negatively are often unaware of quite manipulative behaviour.

Mookatron · 14/03/2019 12:59

I might have a conversation along the lines of 'has he ever hit you? Then give him a chance' with my daughter but not if this woman had laid into her about it and then called me a silly bitch in public!

InfiniteCurve · 14/03/2019 12:59

So children aren't allowed to not want to play with other children who hit them? The message I got from OP was that her DD said something along the lines of "I don't want to play with X ,I don't like it when he hits me"
And they must be encouraged to play with said children because otherwise it would be bullying by exclusion?
Really?
Six is old enough to know not to hit.If there are other issues I would encourage my child to play if - big if - school and parents were working to help him stop,and it was exuberance not malice.If not,not so much. And even then it'd depend,I'm not sure that you must play with X even if he hits you as that is the kind thing to do is a good life lesson for anyone.

MrBobLoblaw · 14/03/2019 13:00

She sounds like a pain OP but if I'm honest I don't really know why you're so bothered about what she thinks? She clearly never going to be a friend so if I were you I'd just give her space and ignore any rubbish she spouts.

DoJo · 14/03/2019 13:02

Have you told your DD in the past not to play with the boy? (I’m willing to bet you have. Not very nice of you if so).

The OP gives no indication that she has said this, but even if she had, what would be the problem with that?

My son can be a bit hitty, but I tell him to avoid anyone who hits at school because the likelihood is that they will get into it and end up fighting. It's not a judgement - I suspect that they are both as bad as each other, but avoiding each other is the best solution until they are better at impulse control.

Similarly, there is a smallish, timid boy who I know has also been advised to avoid the hitty boys (mine included probably) because being involved in that kind of 'play' upsets him and can make him teary all day if he is hit at break or lunchtime. Do you really think they should be encouraged to play together?

Easterbunnyiscomingsoon · 14/03/2019 13:02

Learn the phrase 'ignorant bitch' in another language and mutter it to yourself whenever you see her.
Make you feel like you have really told her ime!
Just pretend she isn't in your company when she is. After all everyone knows who she is and her dc!!

And remember not favourably.

Squigglesworth · 14/03/2019 13:03

I'm pretty confident that if the other mother had only mildly reprimanded OP's daughter for somehow "verbally abusing" the boy, her response to OP's questions wouldn't have been so violent. It's much more likely that she wasn't "kind" to OP's daughter, even if the child's sensitivity magnified her reaction.

And yes, why should a child (girl OR boy) have to be "kind" to another child who goes around bullying/pushing the other kids around? No, it's not nice to exclude others for no good reason, but similarly, there's nothing wrong with avoiding someone who's treated you poorly. If the boy is excluded and feels a little hurt, maybe he'll learn to treat his friends better!

EstrellaDamn · 14/03/2019 13:03

Honestly, I'd have to laugh at her repeated ignoring of your presence. Like, a disparaging laugh, raise an eyebrow at the other mums as if to say 'check the state of this one' and leave it at that.

I couldn't be arsed trying to make a decent relationship with such an unpleasant person.

Stinkytoe · 14/03/2019 13:04

Nowhere does it say that the little boy had hit the little girl. She just didn’t want to play with him.

That’s unkind and yes, bullying behaviour and she should’ve been told off for it.

There’s a child in DS’s class who is repeatedly too rough. I know his mother is at her wits end and is trying everything to sort the behaviour out. He’s getting better but it doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be allowed any friends in the meantime!

Bobbybobbins · 14/03/2019 13:05

I would ignore her. I think it was unfair for her to speak to your daughter about voicing her opinion. It would be different if, as pp have said, she was telling others what to do.

I have two DS with SEN who display some unusual behaviour (no violence but non verbal and struggle with playing) Frequently when picking them up from nursery the other kids will tell me 'DS did X today!' I would never even consider speaking to them about it! Sometimes it is very upsetting which sounds crazy.

Sockwomble · 14/03/2019 13:05

Just keep things on a civil level and leave it at that.
She was wrong to say the bitch remark and about being glad your daughter was upset but you cannot be sure your daughter is as innocent as you think she is.

Stinkytoe · 14/03/2019 13:06

The members of MN can be so spiteful to other children. It makes me feel so sad. It’s like they equate every rough little boy into a violent man and that just isn’t the case!

People should really take a look at their own behaviour!

LoadOfUtterBoswellocks · 14/03/2019 13:09

Oh sod trying to put the blame on the OP. I've been the mum of a 'hitter/pusher' - part of what I said to her about it afterwards was that she couldn't expect people to want to play with her if she was mean to them. Who the hell advises a small child to repeatedly put themselves in harm's way and calls it 'being kind'?

If you hit people, you won't have any friends. Not the victim's fault!

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