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AIBU?

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Original poster

hiding possible pregnancy

74 replies

scared524773 · 14/03/2019 01:35

Hi. Really worried. I am 22 and boyfriend is 20. We’ve only been together for a year.

I have a bad feeling I may be pregnant. I fell pregnant on the pill 2 years ago and remember my symptoms etc very well. I had an implantation bleed and felt very sea sick before I’d even tested positive, I also just had a really strong gut feeling about it. I ended up having a termination. It has been very hard to deal with.

Anyway. I have been on the pill still, thinking it was a fluke last time, however I have had exact same symptoms this week and had a very faint positive on one of those first response ones.

I am shitting bricks quite honestly. My boyfriend isn’t the type of person who would walk out, however I am really close to my 8 month old neice and he makes comments saying I’m broody and I ‘better not get ideas’ etc so I’m really scared he thinks I’ve been skipping my pill or something. Obviously I haven’t but I had a pregnancy scare when I first got with him (was off contraception for a couple of months as I was having a lot of problems with the implant and got it removed etc and hadn’t been back on pill for long), and his first words were ‘have you really been taking your pill?’

So I’m panicking big time. I have told him to use condoms a million times but maybe it’s my fault for letting his excuses slide.

My question is, would it be wrong (if I really am pregnant) to hide it from him for a little while? E.g. until the 12 week scan? Because A) I don’t want to stress him out and make him mad if it were to end in miscarriage as I know it’s high risk until then, and B) my termination 2 years ago was something I had no intention of doing and was talked into by my ex boyfriend and I’m scared it happens again as I find it very hard to not feel guilt tripped into things (stupid I know) and if I get to 12 weeks and see a little baby with a heartbeat I know I definitely wouldn’t do it.

I’m so scared my heart is racing 😣

OP posts:
Tavannach · 14/03/2019 01:37

The 12 week scan will show a developing pregnancy not "a little baby".

drinkygin · 14/03/2019 01:39

Ahhh hugs OP. Don’t panic. Are there friends or family who could support you in real life? You don’t need to do anything you don’t want to do, but I don’t think you should lie to your boyfriend. It’s unfair to him and will only add to your anxiety. Be open and honest with him and remember it’s your body and your choice. Take care x

Original poster
scared524773 · 14/03/2019 01:39

@Tavannach well it would show more than a sac which is what I saw last time. That’s not the point anyway

OP posts:
Original poster
scared524773 · 14/03/2019 01:41

@drinkygin sort of but I also want to hide it from them? Just everyone. I have such a fear from last time because my family all jumped down my throat telling me to get a termination and I can’t believe how easily they swayed me, I wouldn’t even want to risk it if that makes sense?

OP posts:
drinkygin · 14/03/2019 01:50

But you being 12 weeks won’t stop them from reacting in that way. You can have a termination after 12 weeks. Perhaps when you tell them and make it clear you’ve decided to continue with the pregnancy, they’ll get over it and support you? I don’t think this is something you should go through on your own. What about a friend? Plus if you’re sick it will be very difficult to hide.

Smotheroffive · 14/03/2019 01:53

This is your body and pregnancy.

It's very clear what you want, so you need to stick to your guns, nonoone else should make you feel you have to go through a termination if it's not what you want, but your bf is only 20 and he has the choice to not want to be a father! Although he is financially responsible for the life he created.

You need to be prepared to go it alone as he might not be ready or willing to take on the role of father which would be hugely shit considering his cavalier attitude to prevention of pregnancy!!

Congratulations, and look after yourself

Middlrm · 14/03/2019 01:57

You sound like you want to keep the baby, although less than ideal situation.

If that’s the case then congratulations.

I get the sense also that he is not going to react favourably to the news ( hence it’s sn less than ideal situation)

. Worse case if he doesn’t stick around you will be able most likely to do it on your own, it won’t be easy ... having a baby with my husband has been tough especially the first couple of months but I have seen people do it I have a friend who is an amazing single mum.

Financially speak to citizens advice discuss with who you live with the situation or parents if you need to move back home as it will effect everyone and you need support

You get to make the main choice about abort or not that being said once I was sure i an pregnant..I would have the conversation earlier than 12 weeks just to be sure you don’t want to change your mind having discussed and confronted reality with him
( well you can change your mind but it would be tough I saw the best image of my babies face in that scan ... he looked just like his dad and knew I had a little boy weeks before they told me and he looks just a bigger version now of that image ... if I had to abort it would have really stung that late on ( for me ) as I could see the little person.

Also I would not take any blame around condemns your doing your part with the pill 💊 and sounds like you discussed using them when in a long term relationship I have let condoms slide provided stds have been checked for and I knew the pill was taken correctly. Nothing was stopping him from putting them on if he was worried x

Smotheroffive · 14/03/2019 02:01

He really can't blame you for being pregnant when he's taken zero responsibility for avoiding it.

PregnantSea · 14/03/2019 02:03

I'm sorry for being a judgemental busy body but I have to say... Your boyfriend doesn't sound that great. At your pregnancy scare his first words were "have you really been taking your pill?". Wtf?? And you're saying he makes excuses not to wear condoms but calls you broody and says he doesn't want a baby, and may possibly blame you if you accidentally fall pregnant? He sounds very immature and selfish. And the fact that one of your main concerns during an unwanted pregnancy is that he'll a cause you of doing it on purpose? I'd walk away from him OP. You know best what to do though, I'm just going off what you've posted here.

Anyway, regarding the pregnancy, it's up to you what you do. If you got a faint positive then there's almost no chance that you aren't pregnant, sorry OP. False positives are almost unheard of. So if you don't want to be pregnant then you need to do something about this asap. Just take some time for yourself and have a think about what you really want. Is there a trusted relative that you could confide in for support?

Original poster
scared524773 · 14/03/2019 02:11

Thank you everyone.

And I know he doesn’t sound great on paper, sometimes when I talk about him I think over what I’ve said and realise as nice he can be at times he also has done and said some frankly odd things. I wouldn’t want to end things though but if he ended things I would honestly be ok. The termination taught me a big lesson in that I didn’t need /him/ and I don’t know why /he/ was such a huge part of my decision when I’ve always been very happy as a single person prior to that pregnancy.

I’m just so confused about what to do, and I guess really embarrassed and ashamed that I’ve managed to make the same huge mistake twice.

OP posts:
Smotheroffive · 14/03/2019 02:36

Well, you haven't actually made a mistake have you. The pill isn't 100% reliable so out of every 100 women, 2 will conceive, just because it's not 100% reliable. He knows this, and he should be using condoms if he's so against pregnancy.

This is his fault, not yours!

What do you mean, he says odd things, like what?

AnyWalls · 14/03/2019 02:37

I would tell him.

If he's a dick about it, well what are you losing?

Smotheroffive · 14/03/2019 02:40

OP runs the risk of doing as he tells her and doesn't want to find herself in such an awful position again, liable to do what he says he thinks she should do!

Original poster
scared524773 · 14/03/2019 02:45

@Smotheroffive literally just little odd things. Nothing really weird but like we both have the kind of sense of humour where we’ll push each others buttons a bit, but sometimes he pushes at buttons that really shouldn’t be pushed at. I.e. at a family party my aunt made a comment about “must be something in the water everyone’s pregnant” and he said to me as a joke “I’d push you down the stairs”. Now I know that’s just him thinking he’s funny, of course he doesn’t mean it, I think it’s a joke a lot of lads that age make tbh but when he knows my history it just seems odd to say?

And financially I’m not doing great as the restaurant I worked at just closed down with no real warning, and he’s quite well off at the minute but if he takes me for a meal or something (that’s his choice I obvs don’t force him) he’ll go “I’ve just spent _ on you, you’re getting drinks in next time” etc which is fair enough when I have money but he knows I’m really struggling and he knows how much comments like that make me feel like shit.

OP posts:
Original poster
scared524773 · 14/03/2019 02:48

And yes exactly. It seems so easy to say tell him but I honestly was the most independent, take no bullshit kind of person the last time but somehow with a bit of persuasion I found myself just going along with it and I don’t even know who I was when I made that choice. I’m scared I go into that weird easily controlled mode again because I was literally such a pushover last time somehow.

OP posts:
Smotheroffive · 14/03/2019 02:59

I think the example you used is a massive red flag. I found reading that very shocking. It's just not funny, its pretty gross. I think you deserve.better
That's not an insignificant thing. I would literally get shot of him, he sounds awful and certainly not father material.

He might not be directly threatening you but you are already doubting your own mind, and getting weird vibes from him. He convinced you to have an abortion to didn't wa nt, and he's making it very clear his attitude to pregnancy with threats of harm even if he is disguising them as jokes. It's really nasty. Please get away from him.

Original poster
scared524773 · 14/03/2019 03:02

@Smotheroffive the previous pregnancy was with someone else so I don’t think he connects to it, he’s very detached from how much it still pains me and has no real idea. I think men just think it’s nothing.

Going to retest until I’m certain it’s staying put and then see how I feel about telling him. Thank you for the advice x

OP posts:
LilQueenie · 14/03/2019 03:03

No contraception is 100% so he needs to take responsibility instead of leaving it to you.

Smotheroffive · 14/03/2019 03:06

No, that's not all men. He doesn't.sound pleasant, considerate or.caring.

Please reconsider your relationship as it doesn't sound like you really have one. I can't believe someone could be so nasty to you.

Princessmushroom · 14/03/2019 05:55

Before you jump to conclusions and decide to keep it from him for 12 weeks or not, could you go and get a test done today? You might be worrying for nothing

BlueMidnight · 14/03/2019 06:00

You’re running ahead of yourself OP. You have various symptoms but they may or may not point to pregnancy. Do a test today and then you’ll know for sure.

Smotheroffive · 14/03/2019 06:18

Op has a positive test already on an early response kit

TonightJosephine · 14/03/2019 06:32

OP your boyfriend sounds horrible and very immature. I think you should end this relationship, whether you continue with your pregnancy or not. You'll be far better off going it alone. Do you have any friends or family you can talk to?

PurpleDaisies · 14/03/2019 06:34

You need to find out if you actually are pregnant first.

PurpleDaisies · 14/03/2019 06:36

Sorry, just spotted you have a faint positive.

It is your decision. I’m not sure what hiding it will achieve but if you need more time to make up your own mind, you’re not obliged to tell him immediately.

I’d seek some impartial counselling to help you. You probably need to be prepared to go it alone if you decide to have the baby.