hiding possible pregnancy

[scared524773]

Hi. Really worried. I am 22 and boyfriend is 20. We’ve only been together for a year.

I have a bad feeling I may be pregnant. I fell pregnant on the pill 2 years ago and remember my symptoms etc very well. I had an implantation bleed and felt very sea sick before I’d even tested positive, I also just had a really strong gut feeling about it. I ended up having a termination. It has been very hard to deal with.

Anyway. I have been on the pill still, thinking it was a fluke last time, however I have had exact same symptoms this week and had a very faint positive on one of those first response ones.

I am shitting bricks quite honestly. My boyfriend isn’t the type of person who would walk out, however I am really close to my 8 month old neice and he makes comments saying I’m broody and I ‘better not get ideas’ etc so I’m really scared he thinks I’ve been skipping my pill or something. Obviously I haven’t but I had a pregnancy scare when I first got with him (was off contraception for a couple of months as I was having a lot of problems with the implant and got it removed etc and hadn’t been back on pill for long), and his first words were ‘have you really been taking your pill?’

So I’m panicking big time. I have told him to use condoms a million times but maybe it’s my fault for letting his excuses slide.

My question is, would it be wrong (if I really am pregnant) to hide it from him for a little while? E.g. until the 12 week scan? Because A) I don’t want to stress him out and make him mad if it were to end in miscarriage as I know it’s high risk until then, and B) my termination 2 years ago was something I had no intention of doing and was talked into by my ex boyfriend and I’m scared it happens again as I find it very hard to not feel guilt tripped into things (stupid I know) and if I get to 12 weeks and see a little baby with a heartbeat I know I definitely wouldn’t do it.

I’m so scared my heart is racing 😣

He sounds dreadful, OP. Why wouldn't you want to end things, but you'd be OK if he did?

To be honest, it sounds as if you have very little concept of being able or allowed to make your own choices for your own life, and until you gain more of a sense of your own autonomy, it will be very difficult for you to make a genuine choice for or against this baby.

Alongside getting a clearer idea of what stage you are at, you should be looking into getting counselling to work out what you want. Discount the boyfriend from the decision, even if you don't actually end the relationship (yet). You don't have to terminate if it is not what you want; equally, you don't have to proceed with the pregnancy if this is not the right time for you to havw a child, with all the consequences and limitations that involves, particularly in what sounds a precarious time of your life. But you need to inform yourself fully, reflect and make the decision for yourself and not in accordance with what anyone else wants of you.

Have you thought of a medical termination? The one where you just take the pills to basically bring on your period?

If you're very early - under five weeks - that might be an easy option.

I understand you don't want to be railroaded into a termination you haven't chosen but don't lose sight of whether you actually want a child and single parenthood.

Ps your bf sounds v immature.

If you have been taking the pill every day as directed, you are almost certainly not pregnant. Take another test and see your GP to discuss. It does however sound as if you want to be pregnant.

Tawdry what after a positive pregnancy test! It's not 100% on the pill!

A medical termination is not 'bringing on your period', although at very early stages the result may not be physically much different from a period.

OP, I can't help agreeing with Tawdry that pregnancy does seem to have loomed quite large in your life for some time - your counselling should perhaps explore why.

Why do you think so little of yourself that you make excuses for such an unutterable twat?

Ditch him, get some self-esteem, and start making grown up plans to be a single parent.

He's a dick, laughing about pushing you downstairs ?

You need to think hard about this if it's what you want. You dint actually need him. What's your plans for work ?

He sounds horrible but you sound incredibly immature. Do you really think that comment about pushing someone down the stairs is 'lads talk'? Do you think its acceptable?

Confirm If you are pregnant first and take it from there. But think long and hard, its not easy doing it yourself and you are quite young. One thing for sure, this guy isnt a good one.

Not telling anybody just prolongs the inevitable. Neither your bf or family sound particularly supportive and as terminations are still available after 12 weeks, you’ve just kicking the can down the street.

The first step is to confirm if there is a pregnancy. The second, is to decide if you want to have a child.

We can all scream he should have been proactive but the sad truth is, that women are often left holding the baby. Therefore, him using a condom should have been a dealbreaker. He wouldn’t be the first man to see fertility as the woman’s responsibility and sadly, society agrees.

You’re been here before, so expect pressure and backlash and the real possibility that you could be a single parent without support.

You need to get a good positive first. Then I'd tell him by text message - give him time to process, get over the shock and hopefully come back with a decent response

Give yourself a couple of weeks to sort your head out. Dont tell him by text (ffs) but maybe in a public place, neutral territory. Good luck whatever you decide

I'm not saying I don't believe you about it being an accident. But you seem to have some unresolved issues regarding your previous termination (which I totally understand) and I do wonder whether you skipped some pills on purpose (No judgements, this is an anonymous site)

A friend of mine was pregnant with her first at 20. She's my best friend but we are very different in many ways. I was at uni at the time and she had had a rough few years as a teenager and had mixed with the wrong crowds. She told us that she thought she'd been taking the pills but that she then found they had popped out in her bag. Basically lied. It's sad really because we all knew it was on purpose. We were still so happy for her and mega supportive. I think she felt embarrassed but I don't know why? She's the most amazing mum.

I am not too sure why you're family wouldn't be supportive? It's a shame. You are an adult. It's not like you are 16 and still under your parents care.

Hugs for you, OP. Please be careful with your boyfriend. At best, his "joke" was in unbelievably poor taste. At worst, he could actually be dangerous. Pregnancy can be a trigger for domestic abuse, so don't think that just because he hasn't been (physically) abusive yet, he couldn't become so when you tell him.

There are a lot of red flags in general in what you wrote.

If you're pregnant, you don't need to tell him before you want to and absolutely wait till 12 weeks or after if you want to. But are there other people (if not family then close friends) you could tell sooner, for support? You are feeling sick and have a huge amount going on, so someone you could safely look to for support could be good.

If you're not pregnant, it sounds like you would like a child; do you really want one with him? Pregnant or not, from what you've written I strongly feel you'd be way better off without him.

If you are pregnant then I think you should tell him right away, his reaction isn't going to change whether you are 5 weeks or 12wks. You will just be putting off the inevitable and causing yourself extra anxiety. Good you are prepared to go it alone, I think you'll have to. Best of lock whatever you decide

Only you know whether you've tsjrn the pill everyday at the same time or whether you've subconsciously haven't been so careful because deepninside, you wanted a child.

However, bec prepared for him to question it. You've shown signs o being broody, your job is going nowhere, you regret the previous abortion and the pill is normally a safe mode of contraception which means that falling pregnant twice on it taken rightly is very very unlikely.

How he will react, who knows. He might believe you've tricked him and be very angry or he might not care because he is actually quite frill at the idea of becoming a dad and excited at the prospect of sharing this with you.

Either way, he deserves to know soon. It will make it even more suspicious that it was no accident if you wait for the scan. Face up to the situation and tell him. Deal with the consequences.

"If you are pregnant then I think you should tell him right away, his reaction isn't going to change whether you are 5 weeks or 12wks. You will just be putting off the inevitable and causing yourself extra anxiety. Good you are prepared to go it alone, I think you'll have to. Best of lock whatever you decide flowers"

I agree with that. No point delaying the inevitable and I'd honestly cut out anyone who tries to talk you into abortion.

If you do keep it please don't make the mistake of giving the baby his name.

In a normal situation, PPs are right that you should tell him.

In your situation, there could be reasons not to.

What you have written raises flags about the potential for abuse, or possibly ongoing abuse you may become aware of with hindsight.

When you are pregnant you may feel extra vulnerable, and you and a pregnancy could be in emotional or physical danger.

The fact that you were talked into having an abortion you didn’t want last time suggests you could benefit from working on your assertiveness because in an ideal world you should have been able to stick to your guns about such a big life decision.

But in the here and now, if you’re sure you would want to keep a baby, and legitimately concerned you would not be able to stand up to any pressure to abort, that is a reason to put off telling (if you have in your mind that the 12 week scan is a threshold after which you wouldn’t do it no matter what), quite aside from safety aspects.

I just hope you can get some real life support from somewhere though, OP, whether or not you’re pregnant.

So he knew you got pregnant on the pill before, he really doesn't want to be a parent, but refuses to wear condoms despite you asking .

He would have no right at all to be angry

@Tavannach - eerrr very unhelpful and it IS a recognisable tiny baby at 12 weeks 🙄

@scared524773 - ok so it looks like you either don't take the pill properly, or you just can't rely on it, so speak to your doctor about other methods of contraception

Also I'd be inclined to go to the doctor ASAP and get support from the medical fraternity who won't be judging and putting their 10 penneth in like your parents and family

I think your boyfriend had a right to know but maybe you need to seek advice first - a friend had a child already, and her husband walked out on her after falling pregnant with second child, it was planned. She got an early scan to help
Make a decision (she kept the baby), she did it alone and it was hard but she's fine.

You need to own this and make decisions, don't bury your head til 12 weeks

Good luck and be brave!

The 12 week scan will show a developing pregnancy not "a little baby".

Great input there, that's brilliant advice

OP he doesn't sound great, you do what you want to do with your body and don't let anyone talk you into anything you don't want to do. If he blames you, get rid of him.

So he knew you got pregnant on the pill before, he really doesn't want to be a parent, but refuses to wear condoms despite you asking

He would have no right at all to be angry

Agree with this completely. He knew the risks and had been warned this had happened before. The only person he can be angry with is himself.

Hi. I have been taking my pill. Only times I’ve slipped up on it have been a few times where I forget it all day then take it outside of the time limit, but I’ve told him before I can be forgetful with it and he still won’t use condoms.

As for the still having problems from the termination, you’re right. I can’t have wine anymore because it triggers this totally broken side of me to come out where I just feel beyond empty and regret it so much. I do love babies, but my boyfriend knows I do and knows I would do anything to go back in time and change things so it’s bothing new.

If it’s positive counselling sounds good, thank you for that suggestion.

My family are supportive, I think I’ve made them feel awful as they suggested termination last time and have since said they wish they hadn’t because it knows how much it still hurts me.

I’m going to try and get some more tests today. Thank you everyone. X

He sounds fucking horrible and I'm sorry, every example you give of his nasty comments make him sound like EXACTLY the kind of person who would dump you asap. So be prepared. I'd stake a fair bit of money on him completely turning on you, refusing to take an ounce of responsibility for anything and disappearing.

And refusing to wear condoms - bleurgh. Nasty little habit, that one - put pressure and weasel out of taking responsibility for contraception. Have you taken your pill, woman - let me remind you every time it comes up just how much contraception is YOUR responsibility. Condoms? Aw come on babe I can't feel a thing. My pleasure is my main concern. Pregnancy - you can worry about that.

You won't see him for dust and I'd say that's a damn good outcome!

It's entirely up to you whether or not you go ahead, I would agree though that if you can minimise pressure from either him or your family then do so. Don't tell them until as late as possible. Him too, but just be absolutely prepared for him to give you a foul mouthful and walk out.

If you're not pregnant, can I just say you can do a lot better than this piece of shit anyway?

So you do take your pill but outside the timeframe?

There are so many red flags here, it's untrue. It sounds like he wouldn't be happy about the news but you need to make some tough decisions. But make sure that they're your decisions and stop being swayed by others.