To think some people are just unlucky?

[Iseverynametaken]

Starting to feel like I might be unlucky. Seems like things always just, not only go wrong, but seemingly all at once. I try very hard to be positive and am a very caring and giving person so at times selfishly think why me? I feel like I notice some people manage to just coast through life and things seem to always go their way, while others, try as they might, seem to just always have a hard time. I do have anxiety and perhaps look at other peoples lives through rose tinted glasses, but even my husband agrees we do seem to cop the short end of the stick alot.

Not wanting to have a pity party over here, but just having a hard time staying upbeat at the moment! (Hoping that things surely turn around soon)

thedisorganisedmum Please tell me how I can make my own luck out of genetic illness and a string of bereavements?

Objectively, yes, some people do have better luck than others. However, you can make yourself feel lucky by choosing to put more focus on the positive things in your life and give less weight to the negatives.

Example: My DP is a pessimist by nature. He does have bad luck at times, but in general not moreso than other people. He’s in good health, lives in a nice house, has a good job, but his pessimism when something goes wrong leaves him unable to see the woods for the trees.

Conversely, I’m an optimist and tend to push through the bad times without giving them too much headspace - deal with it, focus on the positives and move on.
I feel lucky to have the life I have, despite, objectively, not being a lucky person (health problems, abuse, homelessness and poverty have all featured at points in my history.)

Wallowing in our misfortunes doesn’t change anything or do our mental health any good. Acknowledge it, but don’t let it define you or your life.

Please tell me how I can make my own luck out of genetic illness and a string of bereavements?

You can't avoid having those, but you can be lucky in other aspects of your life.
For example, you were able to have children when some people can't.
You seem to have a decent husband who you love, while others haven't had one.
A string of bereavements may mean that those people have led long lives. The death rate suddenly increases at older ages (70s or so), but many illnesses

OTOH, some things you can control. Some people (but not all) with recurrent financial problems could minimise or avoid them by saving more, borrowing less, getting insurance, etc.
If people regularly maintain their cars, the probability of having a road side problem decreases. And so on.

No, only one was older. The rest were in their 50s/early 60s.
Of course you have some control over your life. And of course I have had some good luck. But please understand that when you go through a period of lots of shitty things happening, you get word down. And meaningless platitudes are simply that.

It's a difficult one, that's for sure.

I did grumble once to a friend that a mutual friend was the luckiest person I knew. Friend replied sagely that "they work extremely hard at being lucky". And I think that in their case, it was true. Lucky Friend has a Very Top Job and basically Has It All, but she had the fortune (or was it design?) to marry someone who does something arty from home so always looked after the dcs.

I have had some bad luck along the line, but some of it was self-inflicted, I suppose. I could have conducted more due diligence on dh, for example! I had horrid in-laws, and if I really wanted nice ones I could have dumped dh (before he was dh). Dh has the sort of job involving long hours and travel, so had to forfeit my career. Again, I knew this in advance and I could again have selected a partner more like my friend's.

Even health issues - I suppose if we all had genetic testing we could potentially screen out any "bad luck", but that is morally dubious.

I have had more serious bad luck which I shall keep to myself, but even then drilling down I can kind of rationalise why it happened.

Some people do have appalling luck, I agree, such as being murdered by a stranger or having a freak accident. That is hard to make sense of.

I used to work with someone like that when I was a nurse. She never had any luck, but she was the loveliest, kindest, caring person you could ever meet. She really didn't have a nasty bone in her body.

You need to discover the Law of Attraction. Positive things happen to positive people. It's proven.
Really? I've been trying to prove it for years and I'm still ill and broke. Maybe I'm just not being positive enough? Yes, that must be it - it's my fault for being so negative!
I think you'll find that the only people who have benefited from the Law of Attraction are the people who sell books and courses teaching people how to benefit from the Law of Attraction!

OP I have anxiety and I think it’s far easier to focus on the negatives and bad luck than the good sometimes.

I’ve had a bad run in the last 3 years - several deaths, including two very close deaths (to the point where my friends joke about not wanting to be around me in case they drop dead!) me having two serious illnesses, two kids with MH issues, lost my job, a car accident, dog almost died, I was left caring for a relative after one of the deaths and a serious illness, best friend was paralysed, etc etc.

But that’s just life. The rest of my life is brilliant. They’re just bumps in the road that you need to try and not focus on. And if something is going wrong, try and change it! In that time I’ve also found a new, brilliant job that I love, moved house, bought a new car, lost weight and toned up, etc.

So other people think I’m unlucky and in some ways I am, but I am very lucky in other ways.

Read Richard Wiseman's 'The Luck factor'. He makes the very good point that so-called lucky people actually look for opportunities to be lucky - they regularly enter raffles and competitions, buy lotto tickets, network for job opportunities and so on. Whereas people who think they never hae any luck actually don't give themselves the opportunity to be lucky; they say things like "I never enter raffles, because I never win."

Iseverynametake
I know it's hard to feel upbeat when nothing good ever seems to happen to you (been there, done that, couldn't afford the t-shirt...) but try to remember no no run of bad luck can last for ever. Keep on going, remember the good things you have and try to look for the positive in everything.

No one is going to sail through life to a ripe old age completely free of ill health, bereavement, and other ill fortunes. Some areas such as employment, it can be easier to make your own luck to some extent. Lifestyle may be able to mitigate other factors such as genes to some extent. There are no fool proof ways to insure your life against "bad luck". We don't start off with an even playing field of circumstances and potential.

Some misfortunes drip through life at a steady rate that are easier to manage. Some come in clusters. Sometimes that is co-incidence, sometimes it is connected. A friend lost an uncle suddenly after a short illness... the grandparents were already in poor health and within 18 months both had died, probably accelerated by the premature death of their son, then their spouse. I lost two (unrelated) grandparents and an uncle (after an unexpected short illness) over 6 years... it was not as shocking over that timescale and felt less "unlucky".

Being made redundant from job one, means you are in a less secure position in the early days of job two, and at much higher risk of having to look for job three within a couple of years. That may also heavily dent your confidence at seeking work and make job hunting harder. Of my uni friends that graduated around the same time, those that were made redundant around 2009/10 had a much less settled time over the next 5-10 years than those that remained employed over the economic crash.

Shit will happen. The luck of the timing of some of that shit can be down to (poor) luck. Sometimes shit encourages more shit. A positive attitude and choices might mitigate some potential shit. Sometimes there is too much shit to shift thorough in one go by just being resiliant. People will hit shit at different phases of life. Someone having a "lucky" phase may have passed through shit already (maybe they currently have a nice house and are debt free because they've already passed through the shit of bereavement), maybe that shit lies a few years ahead. Wallowing won't help, but sometimes it can be overwhelming.

Plod on. Do the best you can in the circumstances you have.

Conversely I am reading a book called "You Should Have Known" where the psychotherapist declares that, well, we should have known.

I do agree somewhat, in that if you lose your job, well, you could have seen that, say, print media was in trouble. If your dh leaves you or is violent, well, you might have read the signs earlier and not ignored them thinking someone would change. If you go hiking in Columbia and are robbed and murdered... well...

OF COURSE some things can't be foreseen, but others are somewhat predictable.

Then of course there is the dismissing of hard work as "luck". Usually it's a combination of both (percentages altering). A trivial example is someone telling me that I am "lucky" to have a good dog. No, I picked a fairly amenable breed and then shed blood, sweat and tears trying (and often failing!) to train him.

If you go hiking in Columbia and are robbed and murdered... well...

I know the US has a high rate of violence and murder, but I don't think it's that high in most places called Columbia, nor in the District of Columbia (where Washington DC is located). I think you mean Colombia. Although many people are able to go there without major problems.

Whoops. Although there are some bits of DC where I might think twice before setting out on a hike...

People want to think they have more control over their life than all the research says they do have. They want to think it will never happen to them.
So people in Britain have their children die. Few could have prevented it.People have partners die young, only some of which could have been prevented. People get raped, mugged, harassed, etc, many of which the victim could have not prevented.
So just amongst work colleagues - one was unable to work for 7 years after a car accident and lots of surgery. The car accident was not her fault. She is now back at work in a lower paid and less skilled job than before. Another work colleague died of ovarian cancer leaving two children behind. She led a very healthy lifestyle.
My view is that unless you live a very dysfunctional life, the major tragedies you have no or little control over, the minor tragedies you are more likely to be able to control.

yes some people are just unlucky but it's also how you respond to that - I was made redundant last year but instead of being all boo hoo for me I saw it as a new opportunity - your attitude to luck effects your luck

Yes, me.
About to be made unemployed even though I have worked extremely hard.
Been let down countless times by people who now lead very lovely lives.
Physically unattractive
Have a chronic condition
No friends
Not close to my family
I'm always described as kind, caring and hard working but just look where it has got me. 😐

@mbosnz My theory is 'shit happens. Sometimes shit happens to you'.

It's about perspective, and your attitude towards moving past "shit that's happened to you"

I don't agree. It's more that positive people will give more value to the positive things that happen rather than the negative.

And in turn, their lives are more positive, so you don't really disagree, you're just looking at it differently.

There's less luck in life that people like to believe. How you handle the worst situation is not luck

Agree. Again, its down to your own self-motivation, not the circumstances which you find yourself in.

@GrumpyGran8 Well you sure sound really positive Not sure you're doing it quite right!

I actually think everyone has periods of being "unlucky" but the difference is how resilient we are and how we bounce back from the shit thrown at us.

The two most horrible people I know have great lives.

A colleague who is the nastiest, 2 faced, self absorbed person has two gorgeous kids, happily married to a rich man who adores her, gorgeous house, very successful at work, attractive and lots of friends.

Another one treated her partner terribly for years but found someone immediately after their split. She is very selfish but again is beautiful, has an adoring partner despite them meeting on the rebound and everyone say in it wouldn't last, gorgeous kid, lots of friends and successful at work.

"No one is going to sail through life to a ripe old age completely free of ill health, bereavement, and other ill fortunes" .

Yes - I'm wary of identifying anyone as coasting through life. About a year ago, my friend A was envying friend B for her "golden" life and complaining that some people have nothing but good luck (B being good-looking, professionally successful without having really had to try for it, happily married and pregnant with another child who had been conceived without difficulty). I said that, while I very much hoped that B's happiness would continue, you can't really judge that anyone is a "lucky" person except in retrospect after they are dead, because otherwise you never know what is round the corner. The following week, B gave birth very prematurely to a poorly baby. Hopefully all OK now, but hard times will come at some point to anyone who is lucky enough to live long enough.

I think so. There’s an acquaintance of mine who I’m in awe of. She’s 39. She has quite a debilitating condition that stole her career. She had a very late miscarriage and the surgery for that has massively impacted her long term fertility, and then cruelly her husband was diagnosed with a terminal rare-ish cancer. Her grandmother had a massive stroke when they were on a last holiday, and her cat was knocked down on Boxing Day.

She’s now widowed and yet considers herself lucky to have spent 15 years with the love of her life. I’m in absolute awe how she keeps getting up when the world seems repeatedly determined to kick her hard.

Yes you are right, how you handle the worst situation is down to you. So how would you handle your child being abducted, raped and murdered by a stranger?
Because I am not talking about a one off thing like being made redundant. That happens to most people eventually. I am talking about major shit, or lots and lots of things.
Everyone has their point where they can't just be all pollyanna