To say that some people use their mental health for attention

[ODGU]

Firstly I'm not bashing people with mental health, I have struggles myself.

A member of my family lives with a long term mental health diagnosis, that much is undisputed and it must be incredibly difficult for them to endure. I get that.

However, they regularly make the decision to stop taking their medication which they know they need to stay functioning and well. Their choice to stop their medication always coincides with something important going on in somebody else's life, think weddings, babies or big life events.

I'm about to give birth and this person has decided to stop their medication once again, causing a big panic within the family and worrying my DM sick, taking her focus and excitement away from her impending granddaughter and making it all about them. The same thing happened when I announced my last pregnancy, when my son was born, when I announced DD's pregnancy and now she's almost about to arrive.. they're doing it again.

We don't live together so babies are not a stress trigger for them.

She also did the same when my DB got married and my DM almost missed his big day because this relative (her sister) was causing a big fuss, again stopped taking her tablets.

The tablets work well and when maintained the mental illness is unrecognizable.

Today I told my DM that she's an attention seeker who uses her MH to control people around her.

AIBU to say that this is the case in a (probably very small) number of people.

Totally!
My mum and sister do it constantly!!
Every time they don't get their own way all of the sudden there's a major issue with something they are taking, vailed threats of self harm ect. As soon as someone gives in and agrees to do as they want all of the sudden no more issues, the low mood is totally gone. Can be anything from having a lift to the shop, baby sitting, cleaning or refusing to get them a drink literally anything. Happens to often for it to be a coincidence.
I respect and completely understand there mental health issues are not fabricated and they are in a very very small minority but they certainly use them as an excuse to manipulate everything and everyone to their advantage.

People with mental or physical health problems who were shitty before they got ill will carry on being shitty when they are ill. And the current climate of 'destigmatizing' mental ill health, while absolutely a good thing for a lot of people, is also something for self-obsessed wankstains to take advantage of - they will announce they have depression, anxiety etc despite not having seen any HCPs: they just want to get their own way all the time.

Also, the bottom line is: even if someone can't help their shitty behaviour because it is an aspect of their mental illness, that does not mean other people just have to put up with it, especially if the unwell person's behaviour involves stealing, property damage or physical/verbal abuse of others. Sometimes you just have to keep the person at a distance because your wellbeing matters, too.

@ReanimatedSGB You're right, absolutely. My F was abusive to DSis and me (including SA). He then developed Parkinson's Disease, and that made me feel awful about the fact that he made my skin crawl when I was around him.

Now I understand that he remained an abusive arsehole, he just happened to have Parkinson's Disease. The two are not mutually exclusive.

I don't think YABU at all, @OP, and I say that as someone who has had not-insignificant mental health problems for most of their life.

I know plenty of people (as I say, myself included) who have mental health problems, who would just do anything to be normal and who try their damnest to lead a normal life where MH problems do not define us. However, I also know one or two people who use their MH issues as an attention-seeking mechanism. Whether or not that's part of their MH issues, I don't know, but I sure as hell had enough of trying to look after myself without, say, dealing with lists of demands, issued via FB, as to how everyone should support them ("make sure I eat by bringing me food") or being expected to ferry others around at my own cost and inconvenience (because "I need to get out and about").

This may well come across as heartless, but one thing I have learned (the very hard way) is that sometimes you need to step back from people who have no intention of taking responsibility for themselves, and who will just keep taking more and more from you without so much as a second thought about the effect on you. You cannot always carry them and yourself.

YANBU to be frustrated but it does seem pretty clear that the mental health decline happens around the time of baby/wedding news so it doesn't take a genius to figure out why empathy might be required too.

No stranger to MH issues either

It's both YABU and YANBU from me

My family have always been twats about my Mental Health, insisting it's entirely chemical and definitely not also a direct byproduct of shitty life experiences indeed involving some of them

They seem to think any relapse I've had is a choice and it literally NEVER has been

That said, on the merry go round of services I have met and spent time with various people with different diagnoses

I have met at least 3 if not 4 people whose behaviour at times smacked of attention seeking and manipulating others around them, but then that desire to have the attention of illness is as someone else posted, mental unwellness of itself

And I also agree with the poster about recent trendiness, popularity and manufactured excuse.

People with genuine MH are reluctant to call attention to it due to stigma and in extreme situations trying to avoid a hospital stint

MinisterForCheekyFuckery makes an excellent point as well, seen plenty of that.

limekiwi so people just have to like it and lump it with how they are being treated and affected if someone has mental ill health and the only consideration is to them!

You are absolutely right. I am in a similar situation myself with an older sibling.

Just an FYI though - no one will give you sympathy if you say it out loud. I'd get it off your chest in private with your DH when you need and wouldn't ever say to anyone else. With my sibling's problem it apparently makes them be abusive, both physically and emotionally, and not speak to people in the family for months on end, make arrangements with people and then not show up, invite people who live far away around for coffee and then not open the front door to them, and disappear in the middle of someone's wedding reception and say they are going to kill themselves but really just go to the pub for a drink. My sibling and I don't speak much anymore and I am quite happy with this arrangement.

Your Aunt sounds like my sister, her mental illness is just another tool in her belt to use to get attention, to manipulate, and hurt people with.

Luckily for my daughter and me I cut her off long ago. It's a shame your mother won't do the same.

Isn’t it part of her illness though?? Would you be annoyed at the ‘fuss’ of a relative who has a physical disability trying to join in events that’s are trickier because if saybbeing in a wheel chair?

In many cases it probably is part of the illness however in my case family only began acting they way they now do after the diagnosis seemingly seeing it as some sort of get out of every thing card.
Everyone is different. If the behaviour existed before then it's just one of those things you have to accommodate for, if it all started after I find it very hard to believe it's just due to poor mental health diagnosis.
Every one is different though so no one person is ever going to have the same experience as another.

Oh these bloody milennial snowflakes moaning about mental healtg..sarcasm obviously.
I had extreme mh problems and was in hospital. Was it for attention? Not really but i did get the urgent medical attention thay i needed. However, your relative seems to find family events hard. So do many but why are they such a trigger? Family dynamics can cause severe mh problems ime.

I didn’t read your full post I will later.
However I do agree.
The thing that gripes me is the people that use it as a theme for their Instagram.
One day there a fashion blogger next a fitness coach then a mental health advocate throwing in oh when I was feeling like this etc.
You don’t need to use it as your personal diary.
Most people will say talking helps but seriously I can’t escape the mental health anxiety all day on sm.
I actually find that ignoring my anxiety helps in not seeing how everyone has it too. But we are encouraged to talk about it now and sometimes it beneficial to actually take our minds off it that can help but it’s the in thing now for people to have it.
One thing I can never get my head around is bloggers can say oh iv just had a panic attack then a half hour later all glammed up going to a packed event?
After an attack I have to lie down as I am shaking still trying to get my heart rate down and have toilet trouble. I think it’s for attention they do it when they are caught out lying all the time.

I do understand some people can be like this.

It can however sometimes be an assumption.

I have had this the opposite way- have MH problems and then severely ill, unfortunately at the time of a family wedding. Even though I needed emergency surgery some family members think I did it to get attention yes, as if you could cause that situation yourself.

Again, when admitted another time, due to the problem, a relative asked me 'is it because the school holidays are coming up'- no, it is not deliberate.

It is horrible people feeling you are doing these things deliberately when that is not the case. So please be careful when making these assumptions as not all are like this.

It can even cause problems with doctors - I've had a delayed diagnosis due to them putting things down to MH when was a urgent medical condition. It't very scary and find it hard to trust people now.

Home 77 that’s awful xx
Yes it can go the opposite way of course x

I think people with Mental health issues are as varied as the rest of us. Some are manipulative or attention seeking and some aren't.

I have a relative who rationalises all his unpleasant behaviour as a symptom of depression. Anger, verbal abuse, gambling, starting and then quickly quitting new jobs, not contributing to household expenses for months at a time, debt etc etc. It's used up every last bit of sympathy his family have.

I'm with you OP. This shit ruins family relationships.

It might help if people didn't make a fuss / panic though

Exactly.

It’s likely connected but it might be connected in a slightly different way. Your DM is looking forward to something and talking about this a lot ( and so less about your aunt’s needs) and she’s planning to go away and your aunt is worried about this. The problem is that she doesn’t think rationally so her choices and conclusions are strange for you but probably are very straightforward for her.
Your DM should use a mixture of healthy ignorance and talking less about exciting upcoming events and her plans. She also needs to find someone trusted who will step up into crisis when she is away. She can’t be the only one who is dealing with this, she needs to have sort of “emergency carer” for your aunt.

YES! And then all the collusion and ‘poor you’ comments start. Sympathy and empathy are such important things but there’s a line where it become unhelpful. I see it all the time all over FB, ‘it gives me anxiety to go out’, no you just fancy a lazy night in on the sofa. It discredits those who have actual issues and stops people getting any better.

Agree with @HighestMountains that it's part of their condition. They need to be made aware what they're doing and seek therapy to help.

I don't think that's fair though lynx should OPs mother not be able to talk about positive things in her life and l don't think it's the mother's responsibility to find someone to be with/responsible for the aunt whenever she's not, unless the aunt is so unwell she requires constant supervision.

she's an attention seeker who uses her MH to control people around her.

Could well be, OP. But that's often part of the illness isn't it? My Dad has long term M ill-H and after years of institutionalisation and being the most needy person on the block, he can't seem to bear it when other people have things going on that attract attention. My wedding was a classic, stopped taking his meds, escalated into a major manic episode and he changed his mind daily about whether he was going to be a part of it/walk me down the aisle and expressing his desire to sabotage the whole event, until eventually (2 days before the wedding) I told him he wasn't coming and I wouldn't tolerate him fucking it up for me. Many a sleepless night worrying about what he was going to do, I can tell you.

I think the only thing you can do (for your own good) is to find some sort of acceptance that it's part of who she is and decide how much of a relationship you can have with her. I limit contact with my Dad when he's getting manic, because I've taken the damage for so many years and now I am determined to protect my DCs. And be there for your DM, for whom this must be absolutely agonising.