To say that some people use their mental health for attention

[ODGU]

Firstly I'm not bashing people with mental health, I have struggles myself.

A member of my family lives with a long term mental health diagnosis, that much is undisputed and it must be incredibly difficult for them to endure. I get that.

However, they regularly make the decision to stop taking their medication which they know they need to stay functioning and well. Their choice to stop their medication always coincides with something important going on in somebody else's life, think weddings, babies or big life events.

I'm about to give birth and this person has decided to stop their medication once again, causing a big panic within the family and worrying my DM sick, taking her focus and excitement away from her impending granddaughter and making it all about them. The same thing happened when I announced my last pregnancy, when my son was born, when I announced DD's pregnancy and now she's almost about to arrive.. they're doing it again.

We don't live together so babies are not a stress trigger for them.

She also did the same when my DB got married and my DM almost missed his big day because this relative (her sister) was causing a big fuss, again stopped taking her tablets.

The tablets work well and when maintained the mental illness is unrecognizable.

Today I told my DM that she's an attention seeker who uses her MH to control people around her.

AIBU to say that this is the case in a (probably very small) number of people.

I agree OP.

I agree with Vodka:
"I think it’s more about their personality than their mental health. If this person didn’t have mental health issues then maybe they’d still find something to try and get attention from others. "

Attention needing behaviours are part and parcel of some MH conditions, unfortunately. This is because the person is so pathologically fearful of rejection they are convinced that they have to be in crisis for anyone to give a shit about them. It can be extremely draining and difficult for those around them but imagine being that person. Imagine being so scared and insecure all the time, convinced that you are so fundamentally unloveable and worthless that you have to harm yourself (either directly or by doing something self destructive like coming off medication) for anyone to care about you. Some of the young people I work with are completely overwhelmed by their MH illness but paradoxically they are terrified of getting better because their belief is "why would anyone bother with me if I wasn't ill?"
It's very sad but I understand your frustration OP and if it's negatively impacting your life then it's not unreasonable for you to distance yourself.

It's exasperating because I see the toll it's taking on my mother who's getting into her advanced years now, but I feel powerless to do anything to help because the pair have a co-dependent relationship that revolves around my aunt's MH.

My mother isn't allowed to enjoy time with her grandchildren or spend quality time with me or my brother, because my aunt gets jealous and feels sidelined and the attention seeking ramps up again.

There are all kinds of reasons why people stop being compliant with medication regimes. Attention seeking is one of them.

You have my sympathy OP, and yanbu imo.

My mum has a sister who is similar. When my mum had a terrible car accident, and nearly died when I was 17, my grandad's first reaction after relief that mum was ok was "For God's sake, don't tell ***"

This aunt has had liver problems after my uncle, their youngest brother died from alcoholism, that mysteriously vanished months later, when my other uncle died a couple of years back from cancer she suddenly had breast cancer, but then told another aunt it had miraculously been healed by prayer, only to then say she had lied and it was back while we were away on a girls weekend.

She's a nightmare. I invited her to my wedding, my brother did not. She tried to make both occasions about her.

Mum and her 2 other sisters spend most their time ignoring her dramatics these days. Thing is, ifnow she announced she really is ill, I'm not sure if anyone will believe her. She does have MH issues, but she's also a constant attention seeker.

Minister Fantastic post. I work in mental health and what you have said is so true.

Yes sadly I think some people do.

Mental health is used by some as the excuse for anything they are pulled up on. Yes mental health is rubbish but it’s not a green light to treat people in a nasty way.

Of course some people do genuinely suffer terribly with mental health problems but for people it is just an excuse.

I also think doctors can be too eager to hand out anti depressants and diagnose depression. I had a stillborn dd at 35 weeks a few years ago, my baby died I was grieving and in pain as any mother would be. I was offered anti depressants, not sure why as what I was experiencing was the natural grief process.

@PinkHeart5914 I'm so very sorry for the loss of your little girl

I think your energy needs to be directed here to supporting your Mum and helping her work through why she is enabling her sister to do damage. Has she talked this through with any of the professionals worrying with your sister? They may be able to provide whole family care - different to disclosing any confidential information about your Aunt. Your Mum probalay needs to learn some tough love techniques. She needs to keep consistent with your Aunt who is likely worried that she will be abandoned because of x happening. It may be that part of this though is that your Mum needs to back off a little so she has room for everything and everyone in her life.

Very pedantic point - it's not mental health you're talking about OP, it's mental ill-health. Or as some pp have said, mental health problems. I think it matters to get the words right because it makes it clear that we all have mental health or mental ill-health and one can change into the other - it's not an us and them.

I cant believe what I am reading, the majority of people will at some time suffer from mental health problems & deserve sympathy, caring & respect. I have suffered from anxiety & depression since I was 17 & have taken medication for over 30 years, have spent hundreds of hours in therapy & counselling. Mental health problems are no joke & anyone who suffers has my sympathy & I believe that anyone who says that they have not had any mental health problems ever in their life must be walking around deaf & blind.

Why would you start a post like this? Did you think it would have a positive effect?
Way to make people feel shitter
You have no way of knowing what people are feeling inside.
If you do indeed suffer from mental health problems yourself like you say think you'd know that.

Today I told my DM she's an attention seeker who uses her mental health to control those around her

Wow. Just wow.

Sorry, mental ill health.

Also I'm very sympathetic to others with such struggles and there has been times when I've needed sympathy, caring and compassion. I wouldn't begrudge that of people in crisis, ever. I've provided alot of emotional and practical support to my aunt during times of crisis, to the detriment of myself on occasion.

My frustration stems from the clear pattern of using her problems to manipulate people around her.

She can be well, life is running smoothly, medication is working precisely as it should and all is well but then somebody else around her will get some news or have something to be happy about, or my mother will decide to spend a rare few days on her own then suddenly she decides she's stopping the medication again and were back to square one.

During a relapse last year she told me I was to blame because I hadn't been going to visit her in a few weeks, I had a newborn baby and was expected to take four busses over the course of the day to get to and from her second floor flat with no lift access. I do agree with the poster who said personality plays a big part, she's selfish by nature which is why I believe she uses her mental ill health to manipulate. If it wasn't the mental ill health it would definitely be something else.

She has lied and pretended to have heart troubles, strokes, an array of serious problems which were untrue.

I know of others who have significant mental health problems (one in particular springs to mind with the same diagnosis) who absolutely doesn't manipulate and emotionally abuse those around them the way this person does.

I apologise if I've caused any offence, I am absolutely not trying to shoot down anybody who is/has had struggles with poor mental health, like I say I've been there myself with postnatal depression and anxiety and it was a terribly difficult time but not once did I behave the way this person does, nor do the others I know who are in therapy or on medication for mental ill health.

I know of others who have significant mental health problems (one in particular springs to mind with the same diagnosis) who absolutely doesn't manipulate and emotionally abuse those around them the way this person does.

The thing is that "MH problems" covers a huge range of very different conditions and presentations. Some are more complex and challenging than others. You can't compare the behaviours and emotional responses of someone with Anxiety/depression to something like Complex PTSD, Schizoaffective Disorder or Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorders. Even two people with the exact same diagnosis could be at very different stages in their recovery, have different levels of capacity or functioning. Some people with Schizophrenia for example are perfectly able to hold down a job, maintain stable relationships and behave in a way that society deems "acceptable" the vast majority of the time whereas others with the same diagnosis may need constant care and support. We're all individuals, people with MH problems are no exception to that.

YANBU to express your opinion OP, I feel for you - but I think you are U if you think you can change this.

You need to take a step back, take care of yourself and your family, and have boundaries with your mum and aunt. Even if everyone on the thread agreed with you, it would change nothing, so you need to focus on yourself and your own wellbeing.

It sounds as though your aunt’s problems are severe. IME a person with mental illness needs to engage with treatment and recovery. This can be too hard for some, and they retreat into illness as it’s familiar and they get the secondary gain of attention etc. Although it’s annoying it’s understandable, but others can choose whether/how much to engage/enable.

Enjoy your new baby when s/he arrives!

OP, your aunt sounds like my DB. He clearly has MH issues as a result of the childhood abuse that both my siblings and I went through. So do DSis and I, and we also have complex MH issues.

So I do get it. But my DB hasn't held down a job since being in his early twenties (he's now 51). He expects my DM to sort everything out for him and has a co dependent relationship with her. The problem now is that she'll be turning 80 this year so it can't go on like this.

My DM used to draw me into it by asking me to 'look out' for my DB. I've had to pull back from him, because DH and I have 2 adopted DDs and DD1 (10 this month) has attachment issues and I really can't cope with taking responsibility for my DB as well. (He played a part in the SA that DSis and I suffered; we know he was a victim, too, but it doesn't take away the memories.)

He doesn't attention seek, but I do think he isn't really as hopeless as he thinks he is. But he always will be if we step in every single time he can't deal with something himself.

I obviously can't tell you whether your aunt is attention seeking. But she certainly could be. Having MH issues isn't an excuse for treating your family badly.

You could be writing about my mother, @

@ODGU. She missed my wedding and all sorts of events. She has told me that if they cut her benefits she'll stop taking her meds and deliberately become unwell.
She also uses the threat "you'll make me unwell" when I'm not doing what she wants. It's thoroughly unpleasant.

@OGDU
I'm in agreement with a lot of what you say, why are other posters immediately assuming the aunt has severe or worse problems? Is it possible yrs she has MH needs but is exaggerating them to manipulate and get attention? Why does everyone go for the assumption of the poor wee helpless soul, there are many people who use Mental or physical health issues to manipulate and guilt their family. I know of parents who hugely exaggerate their child's health issues for their own benefit, don't always assume everyone is genuine.

I think if my child was about to give birth, and I had a sister with MH issues who was sometimes drug resistant, l would get on with supporting my daughter and let my sister make her own choices.

YANBU.

I would point out that in this case, it's not just for attention, it can also be an excuse. I once saw a woman treat her husband in an appalling and humiliating way in public (think screaming and slapping) and then excuse it by saying "He should have remembered it's the 25th anniversary of my divorce and I have anxiety".

I don't think it in any way diminishes the seriousness of MH problems to say that people deal with them differently. Some of those ways can be self-destructive, or destructive of others.

I think I may have come across badly to some on here with this post, I am sorry if I've been insensitive and I understand why it would come across that way.

If I was currently struggling with poor mental health and I saw this thread I'd likely take offence myself.

Just to reiterate once more I'm not making a sweeping generalisation of people struggling with mental health problems, my opinion is subjective and brought about by witnessing the pattern of behaviour in this specific person and thinking that it may be the same in a small number of other cases.

I'm reassured to read that some others can relate and agree that I'm not being completely unreasonable as they know people who this could apply to.

I’m not bashing people with mental health

Well that would be all people, every human in the world ‘has’ mental health.
The issue is when the mental health is not good. Where has this thing come from where people say ‘mental health’ as if that is an illness. It’s like saying ‘I have a leg’ or ‘I have physical health’. It’s hugely annoying and I really wish people would stop doing it.

As for the OP. It could well be for attention, I’d argue that need for attention is a part of the mental illness though.
That doesn’t mean it doesn’t get hugely wearing on those around the ill person. My mother does the same thing and whilst I accept it as part of her illness that doesn’t mean I have to accept as part of my life. My own health was suffering for so I chose to have very limited contact and not get myself upset over it anymore.