To think this is a cheeky way to invite someone to a wedding.

[ThereWillBeAdequateFood]

This is the second time someone’s done this recently.

Received a message from bride to be. “Just checking if you are free on XXXth August”

I replied “I think so, haven’t book a holiday yet.”

She replies “Great that’s our wedding day, so glad you will be able to make it.”

The invite arrives a few weeks later for an evening invite. So I feel committed to the bloomin thing - I’m now meant to sort out holidays and child care around an evening invite to her wedding.

Am I being a bit of a bitch, I feel really annoyed by this.

I'd be annoyed, the first text mentions their wedding day and they want you there, then later it's just an evening invite. And you feel awkward as you may well have said you were busy if that was what was mentioned in first place (as you need to weigh up if worth attending just the evening)
I really would not travel for an evening invite or stay in a hotel unless it was say a family wedding and I'd be catching up with family too over the time.

Then why have you gone on so much about it being an evening invite if that doesn't bother you at all?

In your OP you say: "The invite arrives a few weeks later for an evening^ invite. So I feel committed to the bloomin thing - I’m now meant to sort out holidays and child care around an evening^ invite to her wedding." [emphasis added].

I wouldn't hold off other plans for an evening invitation.
By that I mean if a holiday comes up then book it.

'Then why have you gone on so much about it being an evening invite if that doesn't bother you at all? '

Quite

Then why have you gone on so much about it being an evening invite if that doesn't bother you at all

burnout has put it well.

I don’t mind a evening invite if it’s clear that’s what you are being invited to in the first place.

But the way this was initially framed was as an invite to a wedding.

Its like someone inviting you to an amazing restaurant. You agree and then find out you are only going there for drinks and a bag of crisps. There’s nothing wrong with drinks and crisps but it’s not clear that was the plan originally.

Nobody in their right mind double checks on people who turn down their invite and demands to know why

I don’t know. The next time I see her I can image her asking what’s come up meaning I can’t come anymore. Hardly an unusual question and far from an interrogation.

I’m starting to get that I’m a massive overthinker. I’ll try and reign myself in.

You don't come across like a nice person, I'm surprised anyone wants to invite you to any event. Seriously bad attitude.

Surfingtheweb unnecessarily rude.

If you don't want to go then just rsvp saying so. If she contacts you about just make it something up. It's not that complicated

I think the OP should get married on the same day. That'll sort it.

Just don't go - use all this annoyance and energy for something productive in your life rather than getting wound up over a text!

YABU. She didn't say 'great, you're coming' she said 'great, you're free to come'. Which is different. You should have said 'I'm free at the minute but haven't made any holiday plans yet so I may or may not be coming.' Poor girl probably thinks everyone is excited about her wedding as she is, don't be so mean.

Bollocks to it, evening invite, not exactly asking you to be bridesmaid- if you need to book a holiday or something just go and send a note saying you can't come as only time you could book holidays etc

just rsvp no and if she questions it,
say sorry i got a better offer and as i was on the "B" list for your wedding i thought it wouldn't bother you if i didn't come then lol guess that makes you my "B" list lol

*Or I could rsvp - “yes I’d love to come but I need to sort out childcare. I’ll let you know when it’s sorted” and in a couple of months I explain actually I can’t get childcare, really sorry.

Maybe I’m a cow*

Sorry but I cannot see how saying "yeah I might come" so you will be included and paid for in buffet numbers etc (I think all evening did I have been to have been catered by way of a hot or cold buffet) when you know full when you won't go is not the nicer thing to do.

Just be a grown up and say sorry I can't make it. If she does ask, and with a wedding coming I doubt she will have tome to be bothered why 1 evening guest can't come, just say that you want to use that date for your holiday or whatever.

I’ll make something up. I’ll just provisionally reply as long as I can get childcare. Closer to the date my childcare will become suddenly unavailable.

Oh fgs, don't do this. 😠😠 That would piss a bride off and is selfish, not a white lie at all. You're trying yourself up in knots overthinking and overcomplicating this

Just decline the invite and wish her well for her wedding. "Thank-you for the invite, we are unable to attend" Viola. Done. And then forget about it.

It may have been annoying & presumptive how she asked, but it's the biggest thing in her life & maybe she was trying to save on invite costs/work out numbers...

If she asks later why you can't go to her wedding, so what? "It was kind of you to invite us/me, but we were unable to go" and repeat. Then change the subject or ask how the wedding dress search is going. Just move the conversation along or give a version of honesty "it's right in middle of holidays and we are likely to be away, but it'll be lovely to see the photos"

I hate evening wedding functions. Dull as dishwater, the all day-ers are usually pissed and loud. Expensive drinks, often a journey to get there and a present to boot, food minimal and lots of people you don’t know. So you stand there like a lemon and get five minutes with the bridge who is looking bedraggled by this time, tell her she looks beautiful then fuck off at the earliest opportunity.

Close friends invite you the day, colleagues and acquaintances don’t.

Decline with no detail.

*bride not bridge

"I think evening-only invites are rude! It's a big expense if you need to arrange childcare, hotels, travel, and of course social etiquette dictates you buy an expensive gift."

Surely people don't travel for the evening party? The evening party only thing is for local guests isn't it? And you don't need to buy an expensive gift if you're only invited to the evening.

Surely no one expects you to arrange holiday plans around an evening only invite to a wedding? If you don't want to go politely decline no need to provide an excuse.

I think she's just excited about her wedding.
You're overthinking it and reading too much into a text.

^I think she's just excited about her wedding.
You're overthinking it and reading too much into a text^

I definitely overthink stuff. I’m pretty sure she thinks that text was confirmation I would be attending but maybe not.

I’ll write back today and decline the invite. See what she says / if she says anything at all.

I never bother with going to evening invites.
I'd be more likely to go to daytime only!

“'Just checking if you are free on XXXth August”'

She hasn't even mentioned holidays etc

She literally asked if you were free

You also mentioned this is the 'second time this has happened'

Serially offended by invitations