To think this is a cheeky way to invite someone to a wedding.

[ThereWillBeAdequateFood]

This is the second time someone’s done this recently.

Received a message from bride to be. “Just checking if you are free on XXXth August”

I replied “I think so, haven’t book a holiday yet.”

She replies “Great that’s our wedding day, so glad you will be able to make it.”

The invite arrives a few weeks later for an evening invite. So I feel committed to the bloomin thing - I’m now meant to sort out holidays and child care around an evening invite to her wedding.

Am I being a bit of a bitch, I feel really annoyed by this.

Decline due to having no childcare available on that evening. It’s the best thing about having children - you’ve always got an excuse not to go to events that you don’t want to attend!

you don't sound like you like her very much OP, perhaps she thinks you are much better friends than you seem to think you are are so assumes it's a given you'll want to come. If you are free so far as you know, what actually is the issue?

Regardless, making up lies about childcare so you can then cancel at the last minute with an 'i'll show her' attitude, taking the piss out of the ways you might get her back on the internet with other people and so on all seems at least on a par with her wording to you about going to her wedding , after you had already said you were likely free. Just because you perceive it as sneaky doesn't mean it was, i hardly think she is so desperate for you to be there she is plotting ways to get you to commit, if you are evening only anyway tbh. How do you know she has pencilled you in for anything rather than just made an offhand comment on the phone anyway?

Simply decline if you do not want to go, instead of participating in that sort of passive aggressive nonsense. If you don't like her or have a grievance with her wording for whatever reason, speak to her directly, or stop speaking to her entirely then you won't have to worry. The whole thing seems like quite a non-issue.

Oh don’t worry I will be declining. I just think it’s cheeky that she’s already pencilled me in with “oh great you can come”

Wow - just wow!

And you're her friend???

I'd hate to think what her enemies are like.

And yes, you are being rude and weird writing a post about it What's bad about being given a wedding invitation and having a night out with friends (?)

Hmmmmm don’t know... it depends on the person, their tone and your relationship I think. In some cases, I’d definitely find this a bit .

I too, now do the whole; “oh I don’t know what our plans are that weekend, I’ll have to check the calendar” thing. It’s usually true anyway.

Fwiw, a male friend of mine did something a bit like this. Phoned me out of the blue having not spoken to me for years, announcing he’d just got engaged and that he wanted to make sure I could come to the wedding, it would mean so much to him blah blah. I thought “well that’s a bit unexpected but how nice”. He then sent out (email) save the dates etc and then a paper invitation. Mine was just to me, (not my husband), for the evening do and it was on the other side of the country in the arse end of nowhere. I was heavily pregnant, my mum had just died very suddenly and I couldn’t drive as I had no license at that point (I was a late learner). When I declined, he sent me a really text. It really put me off him.

He was a bit of a groomzilla by all accounts! He managed to fall out with a few people over his bloody wedding.

sorry - I forgot
dh has developed bubonic plague
or dc have Lassa Fever
I have been called into work to do urgent presentation
My boiler(or whatever) has died & that's the only time they can fix it
Aliens have landed in my back garden
I am stocking up in case/because of no deal Brexit
I have lost the will to live because of Brexit

Does everyone hate evening invites? It's quite normal round here I've been to all day weddings and evening only and both have been great! I sent people evening ones only for my wedding (small budget and huge family!!) but only to people who are local I'd never expect anyone to need to book a hotel if only invited to the evening.

Bloody hell, so now inviting someone to your wedding is rude!
Just decline the invitation if you don't want to go. Jesus.

the non cheeky way would have been, for any normal human being:

I am getting married xx day, are you free that evening?

How difficult is that!

Agreed; hate evening invitations; you either invite to the whole thing or you don’t; however I know is common here but I am not English

You're waaaay overthinking.

You say you don't like her "assumption" but I honestly think you've got that basic premise all wrong and worked yourself into a dither from there.

If I was shown those two texts I would deduce that someone was organising a wedding with not much notice, and had to pick a date and then send messages to people with fingers crossed that they could make it. The slightly coy first message I would attribute to her worry that people would get pissed off if a date had been picked that they couldn't make: judging by the mean way people speak on here when weddings come up, I don't think that's a stretch. And the second text is her relief that, thank goodness, she hadn't had to cut you out of the celebration with her choice and doesn't need to worry about you being offended. It's a bit of an awkward way to communicate but perhaps she's an over-thinker too. And she may well be truly delighted that you can come; maybe that second message was joy and relief, not arrogant assumption.

Either way, you don't seem that fussed for her. Don't go if you don't want, but for crying out loud don't lie about it. It's perfectly fine to say that childcare is an issue, or to book a holiday that week after all due to prices or convenience to your family.

And to those that think evening invites are insulting: get over yourselves. People cannot necessarily afford to pay for everyone they like and love to eat an expensive meal. No-one's forcing you to fork out for anything.

Assuming attendance without actually asking or sending an invitation as is the general, polite practice, is rude ...

Unless it's an 'evening only' invitation. In which case that's also rude.

This behaviour screams entitlement, but then again, a lot of things about weddings do. Apparently you're not a close enough friend to merit attending the actual wedding and reception, but you are 'worthy' of being railroaded into accepting an evening-only invitation by disingenuous means.

Decline the invitation. Why is this even a dilemma?

Evening invitations are rude. You’re not good enough to go to the full wedding but good enough to make up the numbers on the dance floor in the evening (and to give a present). A second class guest. Nah. I always decline them.

You ARE overthinking it OP. Sounds like general miscommunication between you and not quick enough wits on your part. 😊 lesson learned for next time though - being non-committal is your friend in these circumstances. "Unsure at the moment I'll need to check our calendar."

almost

If I was shown those two texts I would deduce that someone was organising a wedding with not much notice, and had to pick a date and then send messages to people with fingers crossed that they could make it. The slightly coy first message I would attribute to her worry that people would get pissed off if a date had been picked that they couldn't make: judging by the mean way people speak on here when weddings come up, I don't think that's a stretch. And the second text is her relief that, thank goodness, she hadn't had to cut you out of the celebration with her choice and doesn't need to worry about you being offended. It's a bit of an awkward way to communicate but perhaps she's an over-thinker too. And she may well be truly delighted that you can come; maybe that second message was joy and relief, not arrogant assumption

That’s a lot of deducing considering you don’t know the couple and I do. She’s not at all “coy” and the wedding is not remotely a last minute wedding by any stretch of the imagination.

but for crying out loud don't lie about it

There’s this thing called a white lie, people do it all the time. I can’t suddenly say something’s turned up 2 weeks after I said I was free on the date of her wedding.

I could just rsvp “can’t attend” which will probably make her wonder why the hell I suddenly can’t make it. She’ll ask me why and I’ll have to explain that I don’t fancy a £50 cab journey and childcare for what is basically a not very good disco (this is the not lying method).

Or I could rsvp - “yes I’d love to come but I need to sort out childcare. I’ll let you know when it’s sorted” and in a couple of months I explain actually I can’t get childcare, really sorry.

Maybe I’m a coward but telling a white lie seems kinder.

I’m not going to try and suggest I’m not an over thinker. Clearly I’m an overthinker

Evening invitations are rude. You’re not good enough to go to the full wedding but good enough to make up the numbers on the dance floor in the evening (and to give a present). A second class guest. Nah. I always decline them

What an absolute crock of shit. Alot of people just cannot afford to have more than close family for a full sit down meal. Are those people not allowed to have their friends with them in the evening to celebrate. God some people are hard work. Get invited to share a special day with friends, get fed, watered, entertained, chance to catch up with mutual friends but no, that's not good enough, they need to be guest of honour at the bloody bridal table

Assuming attendance without actually asking or sending an invitation as is the general, polite practice, is rude ...

Agree

Oh, the ones that are really bad, Luna, are the ones that ask you to come and watch the wedding, then fuck off until the evening do.

And to those that think evening invites are insulting: get over yourselves. People cannot necessarily afford to pay for everyone they like and love to eat an expensive meal. No-one's forcing you to fork out for anything.

Why have an expensive meal at all? Why stick to the tired ol' all bloody day format where it drags on for fucking hours and hours and hours, with this 'breakfast' that isn't for a set few (that usually sucks) and then this poxy disco for the B-listers because you 'couldn't afford it'? Why not do something different?

God some people are hard work. Get invited to share a special day with friends, get fed, watered, entertained, chance to catch up with mutual friends but no, that's not good enough, they need to be guest of honour at the bloody bridal table

Thing is you’ve just described a day invite

Get invited to share a special day with friends an evening

get fed often a cold bacon butty

watered you normally don’t get “watered” in the evening

I don’t mind evening invites but yes people sending out “save the date cards” to be followed up by an evening invite annoy me. It makes it harder to turn down the invite as you should have already pencilled it in your diary.

XiCi
*
👏🏼👏🏼* if someone had turned down an evening invite to my wedding because they were "only" an evening guest (which no one did) then I'd be glad the self centred tossers hadn't attended.

but yes people sending out “save the date cards” to be followed up by an evening invite annoy me. It makes it harder to turn down the invite as you should have already pencilled it in your diary.

It doesn't at all! Fuck that. If it's not local, and it usually isn't, it's easy peasy to just send the RSVP back with a decline. The invited is usually just a tout for swag or cash or one they used out of misguided courtesy, not because they actually want you there.

FGS

Just decline then

Save the huge headache

And the 50 quid you keep banging on about....

I don't somehow think the B&G will be heartbroken

The invited is usually just a tout for swag or cash or one they used out of misguided courtesy

So why send the Save the Date Ca

Oops

Ca = card

I mean... I wouldn’t turn down an evening invitation “because I was just an evening guest”, but obviously, I’m not going to make as much effort to go somewhere for a short do... I wouldn’t travel all that far for a few hours in the evening, (especially not when my dh hasn’t been invited, I’m heavily pregnant and can’t drive) the same as I wouldn’t go to Australia for a long weekend. I just wouldn’t.

I’m arranging a christening at the moment and I’m not even inviting guests from my home town, or further afield, as it’s too far to even entertain the idea of them coming all this way for such a short event 🤷‍♀️.

That said, I wouldn’t take offence at being invited to an evening do. That’s not even what the op is offended by.

That said, I wouldn’t take offence at being invited to an evening do. That’s not even what the op is offended by

That’s right just annoyed by the presumption of attendance.